Thursday, January 31, 2013


Friday I realized that I was in a relationship that I could no longer take part in.  My final straw was the absence of a response to my question about the dinner I was going to make for a (still up in the air) dinner date over the weekend.  The reason no longer mattered because it had been one too many times.  Even if it was a legitimate reason, I would have accepted that the universe had different plans for us.

So over the weekend, starting with Friday, I used this blog to help prepare me and to help keep me focused so that I would be able to walk away.  It is such a difficult thing to do.  I truly liked this guy, but as I posted in Someone Special he really was running on the fumes of the wonderful man that I meant in October.  We did have a day, a moment in November when we shared a deeper level of ourselves when we revealed some of our life's stories to one another.  That too helped to contribute to my willingness to give him the benefit of the doubt and to give him space and patience because I felt an understanding, a connection.  And combining that with who I thought he was from October, I thought he deserved that.  But honestly, he had not been so wonderful since.  He didn't prove to be the opposite.  He just put in enough to keep me wondering and I did.  As I posted on Friday in As Is that's all I wanted.  I just wanted to know who he was because as time moved on, I felt as though I knew him less and less.

Saturday, I made my list of needs and wants because I knew I needed to check and see where he fell and he was coming up short on my list of needs.  I texted him that night and told him that he made me feel like I fit in best when convenient.  To me, that was my "I've had enough" text to him because that is unacceptable.  He responded the next morning and said he wanted to talk about it and he'd get back to me ASAP to figure out the where and when to do this in person.  That night I reflected on the journey that I have taken over the past year and a half.  Like my list of needs and wants, what I have discovered and learned along the way is not something that I will push aside for anyone.  It's part of my perspective and views on life, it's a part of me.  So when ASAP was not any sooner than Monday night, I called.  No answer.  I left a message telling him that I just need to hear something from him.  I told him that I met a wonderful man back in October but that I felt like I didn't know who he was and that's all I had wanted.  It took me texting him Tuesday morning with a "Give me some type of acknowledgement" text to finally get a response.  He apologized and said he was planning on texting me later that day.  That day and night came and went.  But Wednesday, I finally got the closure I needed and wanted...

"Have a great day!  So sorry about the commute this morning.  I love you and so glad I got to see you last night!"  This was the text I received Wednesday morning.  I did not see him Tuesday night.

So I was texting the "I'm the other woman, that makes so much sense" text.  I received one from him stating that his best friend from California was in town and it was for her.   "I don't want you to think anything."  Uhhhh..... I am sure you don't want me to think anything.  As his "girlfriend" why wouldn't that have been mentioned?  Why wouldn't you want to introduce me to your best friend?  Why couldn't you make the slightest contact to me in the past few days when you can send a such a thoughtful text to someone else?

Those questions I didn't ask.  I didn't care what the answers were.  What I finally had was closure and I felt some relief because now everything seemed to make sense and fit.  That is what I texted back to him.  I also added on that it is the little things that matter most (hence last night's post title).  His failure to acknowledge me over the weekend combined with the times he had done it before (but which I gave him the benefit of the doubt because it was not a pattern yet and I believed he truly was going through some tough times) took its toll and I no longer trusted him.  He responded with an apology and that its not what it appears.  He told me he was not trying to hurt me and that he wanted to talk.  That was at 11:00 am yesterday.  I have heard absolutely nothing from him.  If there was a shred of truth, I would think it would be natural to defend one's own good name.

Even though I had already decided that I couldn't go on in this relationship that was completely stagnant, this was not the closure I had expected.  I actually wondered and was worried that he may be suffering from depression.  There are some things that were said and actions that made me wonder.  Add to that some of the things going on in his life, it would have made sense.  But this was all before I discovered that I have no idea now what he ever said to me that was true.

What a way to get back into the game.  This was such a dramatic four months and it was all his.  He can keep it.  I am done.  I have my closure and oh, it hurts, but atleast now I can move on without the wonder. 

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Little Things

I truly believe that it is the little things that matter most in life.  They are the special things that we give to one another that don't come with a price tag.  They are the gifts that come from within another and that is where their beauty lies.  It seems unfair to call them little things because when you have been touched by one, it makes you smile both in and out.  And if that is the effect that it had on you, then you know that it came from a place where someone took the effort to put in a great deal of thought and kindness just for you.

For me, it was nice to have felt and to have experienced some of these little things from a man once again.  It was nice to be complimented, to feel a warm hand along my back, to get a little kiss on the forehead.  It was also nice to find someone who was patient and understanding, someone who made me feel comfortable and made me feel like I was completely accepted as I took a step further out into the unfamiliar territory of dating. 

These little things add up to a whole lot.  They can be looked at as the foundation for building trust, communication, respect, loyalty, and all of the other important building blocks needed for a solid relationship.  So call them little, but don't let that determine their significance. 

Back in the 90's I was a big Bush fan.  No, not George... Gavin.  Gavin Rossdale.?!  One of their big songs back in was "Little Things" and to quote a verse, "It's the little things that kill..."   And how true that is.  Just as those little things can help build a solid foundation, take them away and what was built can easily crumble.

For me, communication is my Achilles heel.  I know that I need to get over my... shyness?, fear?,... whatever it may be and become more vocal and share my thoughts, questions, concerns more freely.  I lived once through the devastation that is can lead to when it breaks down and that is a path I refuse to walk down again.  So I have and still do make a conscious effort to make sure that I am communicating as I need to be no matter how uncomfortable it has been sometimes.  I also know that it's not just one sided.  I expect the same openness in return.  And that has been a big issue in the relationship that I have been in.  There have been many times when I was left feeling in limbo because communication broke down. 

It starts off small with little things.  After a while, those little things add up and it seems as though the whole system of communication breaks down.  But it doesn't stop there.  Everything is so intertwined that when communication breaks down it leaves you wondering what you can trust and where the respect is.  This is where I have been for the past few days, not knowing what was going on because of a lack of communication.  And try as you will to not make assumptions, you cannot deny the fact that a snowball effect is potentially in motion. 

Little things.  Appreciate them.  And don't forget about them.  They mean so much. 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Little Reminders

As I have posted so many times, this past year + has been a journey for me... a journey of discovery about myself, people, spirituality, and life.  Along the way, I collected little reminders to keep close to me so that I wouldn't forget what I found to be most important.  I have shared bits and pieces of my collection before, but there are some pieces I have yet to share.  Since I am trying to regain balance once again and do not want to forget or let fade what I have learned along the way, I am going to share my collection of what I have learned thus far in my journey.

Passion... You have but one life to live.  Live it with passion and enjoy the moment.  Don't let fears and past experiences take away from your present and future happinesses.

Words... This one was actually given to me to represent this blog.  But words... hold so much power.  Don't ever underestimate the power that they hold and more importantly the value of the person who is brave enough to share them.

Auburn Swirl Bead

Don't Settle... What you are looking for is out there.  Be patient and don't rush or settle for anything less than what you want and deserve.

Independence...  You are stronger, greater, wiser, and more beautiful than you ever imagined yourself being.  Don't ever underestimate what you are capable of accomplishing.  "You plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers." (Veronica Shoffstall)

Simplicity...  Simple Beauty... It is the little things, the simple things in life that matter the most.  That look, that smile.  A hug.  Laughter.  Quiet moments.  Sunsets.  Waves crashing.  A cool breeze.  Summer rain.  Autumn leaves. The sun... glimmering through aspen.

Loss... Heartache.  You cannot go through life without experiencing this.  It's inevitable.  When you lose someone that you love, you don't really lose them.  All you have to do is open your eyes and your heart and you will see that they are always with you.  You may not be able to see them, but you can feel them.
"The best and most beautiful things in life cannot be seen or even touched.  They must be felt with the heart."  Helen Keller

Love... Happiness... "Wherever your heart lies is where you will find your treasure."  This is what is engraved into this charm. 

Inner Light... We each have our own inner light.  It is strong, bright, and beautiful.  The human spirit.  We gravitate towards those people whom shine the brightest onto us and for us. 

Balance... Organized chaos is a term us teachers often use.  All of our ducks don't need to be lined up in perfect rows in order to have balance.  As long as you don't give up, don't lose sight, and fight for all of the things that are most important to you... they will always find their way back.

Yes, my charm bracelet.  A very random collection of life lessons learned with more room at add on.   Take a close look at those who wear them.  I wonder what story theirs tells?  Who knows, maybe you'll even find me. 

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Needs vs. Wants

I have a friend with whom I have had a number of conversations with on the topic of needs vs. wants in a relationship.  We've talked about our own relationships, relationships that our family members and friends are or have been in, and even relationships we have seen on t.v. (lol).  I think it's important to be able to distinguish between the two.  I view the wants as the things that can be compromised and overlooked... trumped, if you will, by a man's (or woman's) ability to meet your needs.

Over the course of the past year, once I really began to find and define myself once again, I gave a great deal of thought as to what my needs are.  Some came to me immediately.  Some I have learned along the way.  I have yet to not only share them, but to put them into any type of official written text.  This seemed to be a fitting text to follow yesterday's.  So here we go...

My Needs in a Relationship
  • I need for my man to be mentally stable.  I need for him to be able to have a positive outlook on life no matter what it may throw at him or us.  I also need for him to have that inner peace within himself where he is happy with who he is and the life he has created and lived.
  • I need for my man to view and to love my son as his own.
  • I need for my man to be respectful.  I need for him to respect me.  I need for him to respect other people as well, a gentleman.  
  • I need to feel safe and comfortable with my man.  I need for him to genuinely accept me for who I am, flaws and all, without ever making me feel that I need to change or compromise myself for him or the relationship.  I also need to feel safe in trusting his words, intentions, and actions.  I need to feel comfortable so that I can truly let go and be me and to share myself completely, both emotionally (communication) and physically (yes, great sex!).  
  • I need for my man to be actively engaged.  I need someone who is present and who takes an active role in the both our relationship and in the relationship with our child(ren).  I need someone who has the confidence and independence to take initiative on their own.  I need for him to be able to enjoy life and to be able to see and appreciate the small things.  I need for him to be able to find balance between family, friends, hobbies, and work. 
  • I need for my man to be responsible and reliable.  I need to be able to rely on him and his word.  I need for him to value what he says and stick to it.  I need for him to be financially responsible too.
  • I need to be given freedom.  I need the space to continue to work on myself and to grow as a person.  
  • I need to feel adored by my man.  I need to have a relationship that is more than functional.  I need a man who views me as his amazing.

My Wants in a Relationship
  • I want someone with a sense of humor and who can make me laugh.
  • I want someone whom I find physically attractive. 
  • I want someone who is confident, not arrogant.
  • I want someone who makes more money than me.  
  • I want someone who is well rounded, someone who will go to a Yankee game and a Yo Yo Ma concert with me. 
  • I want someone warm, sweet, and affectionate. 

Am I missing anything!?!  What are your needs and wants???  I'd love to hear them!

Friday, January 25, 2013

As Is

It's easy to get caught up in the "Coulda, Woulda, Shouldas" in life and let them drive our thoughts.  I recently found myself caught up in a web of should have's as in I have been talking, seeing, dating this guy for about four months now, I should.... this, that, and yadda, yadda, yadda.

What I want more than anything at this point with him right now it just to better know him.  When I first met him at the end of September, I met up with him thinking that he was a nice guy but not expecting to go beyond that first date.  But when I met him for the first time, a brief 30 minute encounter over coffee, I felt something that I hadn't with anyone else.  I wanted to see him again for the sole reason of that feeling that came over me when I was with him.  That feeling reappeared and distinguished itself more on our first real date when I found that I could let my mind go and was able to enjoy that night with him in the moment just as it was.  As that first month continued and I saw more and more of him, I found him to be very kind and respectful, comfortable to be around, easy to talk to, accepting, and as I had mentioned previously, my word for him was warm.  There were some things about him that I wouldn't have picked out in a person and even now I wonder if I would have ever contacted him first based on his profile.  But compared to what was and is most important, they seemed more like minor details.  And despite the fact that I didn't view him as perfect, he was exactly what I needed at that time. 

Then, as I have previously posted, life happened.   I saw less and and less of him.  When I did see him, I still felt the same great feelings that I just described above.  It was the time in between that was unsettling to me and what still is unsettling to me.  I don't sit around and think about where he is and who he is with and what he is doing.  Instead, I do wonder how he loves.  Everyone expresses their love in different ways.  Everyone has different needs, wants, and expectations in a relationship.  I wonder if the distance and absence during the time in between is purely our busy schedules and bad luck timing or if he is creating some of that too on his own.  Last week I could feel the spark beginning to fade as I described this relationship moving slower than a snail's pace.  I have begun to doubt how much effort he is willing to put into this (since some of the issues have truly been back luck and bad timing) but he did come through last week.  I saw him twice actually and he took the initiative.  He asked about my plans for the week and suggested dinner this weekend.  I was happy for the opportunity to build some continuity because I just want to know who he is.  However, between Monday and tonight, I have heard very little from him and I don't know what the plans are for this weekend are either. 

I know that he has been through a lot in a short amount of time and I can both appreciate and understand the challenges in getting through tough times.  But I don't want to excuse his behaviors either.  All I want to know is where does he lie on the spectrum between the amazingly wonderful man I met in September and the one I can't quite seem to put my finger on now.  Time is precious.  And although I do agree with taking things slow, is it worth taking things so slowly with him?  I'm not sure and I find this to be terribly unsettling.

One of my mantras is "Listen to Your Gut."  So what is mine saying?  It's telling me that he genuinely is a good guy.  Unfortunately, it cannot tell me more of who he is and what he is thinking and feeling.  I'm not worried about having my heart broken, for two reasons.  One, I'm not in love.  Two, can I experience more pain than what I have already encountered?  But,  coulda, woulda, shoulda.  I don't want to have any regrets either.   So, my gut is also telling me to stick it out a bit longer.  Perhaps so that I can ask him these questions myself?... that's what my mind is telling me to do right now.

I just want to know him, as is.   

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Grasping the Controllable

Although I am not quite sure what word I would use to describe it, it appears that I have a posting "theme" for January.  There are many things that pop up and happen in life that we have very little to no control over.  But that doesn't mean that there is a complete absence of control... there are always choices and options... You just have to look for, find, and grasp the controllable and hold on to those reigns for as long as you need to.  You may be lead down a path that you have never seen before or one that you never imaged yourself taking.  That's the journey of life.  And as long as you don't lose sight of the controllable, new choices and options will be laid before you and you can change your path at any time.  Easier said than done.  When we get to the point where we feel this way, the decisions we have to make are difficult regardless of the fact that we are able to recognize that we do in fact have choices... options... control.   

I feel as though I have already had to make those difficult decisions.  What I am dealing with now are the consequences of my decisions.  While somewhat exhausting, I have been reminded to put things into perspective and that has helped me to relax more and to recognize all of my options.

Parenting:  This month my son started soccer.  It is a very small group of eight children that are either 3 or 4 years old.  He has had only 3 "practices" so far and with each, it has gotten worse and worse.  Day 1:  I realized that my son was the silly kid.  He listened and followed along, but he fell (on purpose) during stretching and running.  He couldn't seem to stand still.  Alright... so he's only 3, okay.  Day 2:  During stretching, he laid on his back and didn't follow along with the others.  When everyone took off running, my son stood still.  When waiting in line to kick the ball, my son turned to the boy behind him and stuck out his tongue.  He didn't finish the whole practice because he came to me for a drink and decided not to go back and play.   Day 3:  He seemed happy to go.  But when "practice" started and someone else took his purple ball, he decided he wasn't going to do anything.  And he didn't.   He sat with me for 30 minutes.
My thought... Who is this child?  It was neat to watch him interact with other children and another lead adult other than family and friends.  But, I was surprised by what I saw.  I don't care about soccer.  It's fine if he hates it.  I was upset by how he behaved.  As a single parent, the responsibility of raising my son lies solely with me and that's a lot of pressure.  And I didn't want to hear that he's so young... he's a boy... maybe he just doesn't like soccer... etc... etc... etc...  I was terribly upset and felt very lonely.
The solution?  It was quite easy actually.  I just needed to hear good, bad, or indifferent from someone who really knew my son.  It took me a couple days for it to dawn on me to ask.... his teacher!  God bless teachers, lol.  I told her the situation.  She laughed at me (she has been working with children for a very long time) and told me that my son is a good boy.  He is well behaved and the least of her worries.  I cannot tell you how great that was to hear.  I don't want to wear mommy goggles, but at the same time I don't want to become a psycho micromanaging mommy either.  I needed a little kick in the ass of reality and I needed to hear it from someone who was going to give it to me straight.  Truth is, he is a great kid.  But he is just that, a kid.  And I have taken a breath and can now relax and go with the flow on Sunday when we go back to play(?) soccer.

I've also been dealing with the dilemma of my son not falling asleep at night.  During the weekday when he is at school, he naps.... tonight he fell asleep at around 9:45.  That has thrown me off balance because that is so late, that puts me very behind in all that I need and want to accomplish each night.  I refused to change the time I was putting him to sleep (7:30ish) because I don't want for him to get accustomed to a later nightly routine.  However, this week, my babysitter was away and I changed our schedule around a bit.  I did something that I have been avoiding doing during the week because I just feel bad about doing it.  I had wanted to go to the gym this week, but my only option was to bring my son to the babysitting there.  I've always felt bad about picking him up from daycare and basically dropping him off at another.  But, when I actually did it, that didn't seem to be the case.  I picked him up right after work.  We had enough time at home to play and interact before having dinner and then went to the gym after dinner.  All while getting home shortly after 7.  He was in bed by 8 both nights we did this.  It actually worked out nicely and I am now contemplating not "wasting" a sitter night going to the gym when my son can go with me.  This was an option I knew I had, but was just afraid to try.  I am glad I did.  I need that balance not just of getting away, but exercising in general has been something that I have incorporated into my healing and something I need to continue to do. 

Friends:  I do keep a close circle.  And I have to admit that the majority of my friends here in NYC are women that I work with.  Most of them are married and have children or married and pregnant.  However, I feel like it is so hard to make plans that are actually able to stick... single or not!  This week, two friends that I don't work with both coincidentally texted me.  It had been a long time and it was nice to hear from them.  I know that I could have been more proactive myself and texted them earlier and more often.  But we plan on getting together in February and I am excited for that.

I've also done something outside of my box.  I found a few single mommy groups on "Meet Up" and joined them.  I haven't heard back yet about any upcoming meet ups, so we'll see where that takes me.  It was during all of my worry throughout the soccer debacle that I realized that maybe it would be nice to have some single mommy friends too.  It is different when you are raising a child(ren) alone and maybe a support group like that would be something that I would both benefit from and enjoy.

Beyond Friends:  Lol... I'll save this one for tomorrow.  It's been more that a week (see "Someone Special" if curious) and time to update.


Saturday, January 19, 2013

Stepping Back

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about how I felt as if my life was on a treadmill.  I wasn't stuck, I was moving, but I just wasn't getting anywhere.  Perhaps I didn't believe my own insight that I gained when I wrote that post.  Perhaps I missed a message.  Perhaps I just needed it thrown in my face in a more physical sense, because that is just what happened to me tonight.

It's Saturday and I had my babysitter for a night out!  The plan was to go see a movie, just one subway stop away.  Come to find out there was work being done on my line, so I had to take the train one stop back to go ahead three.  Okay, not a big deal, I needed to stop at the ATM anyways.  So I did and then I hoped back on the train to go back one which is where the theater is located.  I blame the extra time it took me to get there... the movie was sold out.  Alright... there was another movie in a Manhattan theater I also wanted to see, so I decided to just go there instead.  So, back on to the subway.  This time I had to go back two to transfer to a Manhattan bound train.  So I did.  Things were going smoothly until the train was stopped for some time for some reason, so I hopped off the train and took another in the same direction.  This one was running express for some reason and I passed my stop.  So, I had to get off and take a train back to the station that I was just waiting at to take the train I had been waiting in.  I got on and it did move and I took it too my destination.  This process took almost 2 hours, no lie!  And I never made the backup movie either.  Instead I had dinner and did some window shopping.  I had to leave extra early to get home on time because I had to do almost the same thing... to get home, I had to catch the train in the opposite direction for a couple of stops so that I could transfer to the train going back to the direction of my home.  Sound confusing?  Stupid?  Boring?  I literally was moving for two hours and literally not getting anywhere.  Which is how my life has felt recently.

As I sat on the train listening to music and wishing I hadn't forgotten my Cosmo magazine, I tried to not think about how I was paying my sitter for me to just basically ride the train all night.  But it was hard and I was disappointed.  On my way back, I had a different perspective.  One of the places I had stopped and did some window shopping was Pier 1.  I have been in the process of updating and redecorating my apartment and one thing that I am focusing on is to create a better (color) flow between the rooms.  However, I have been stuck on some color choices and that has slowed my transformation.  But when I walked into Pier 1, I immediately noticed the blues.  I was thinking of changing and adding blue to my kitchen, but a friend suggested leaving what I had and to add a canary yellow to what I already have and I liked that idea too.  So, seeing all this blue made me really want to add this to my home.  It looked clean and modern and I thought it would be perfect for the living room and the kitchen (in yellow) and the rug runner I want for the hallway leading to it would all flow!  So, I think I am going to go with blue, a dark sapphire/nautical blue.  A color I hadn't even considered and one that I think is going to be perfect!

I think that I have clung onto the notion of continuously being active and moving forward in fear of what would happen if I stopped.  I feared becoming stuck.  I feared losing precious time.  I don't have to fear becoming stuck anymore because I am mentally healthy and I know that deep down, becoming stuck just won't happen.  I do still fear wasting precious time... life.  However, that does not have to be the case either.  If I feel that I am, I just need to open my eyes and see what is before me.  Even though I felt like I didn't get anywhere tonight and I definitely wasn't taken to where I really wanted to be and go, I still got something out of my night.  It wasn't a bust and I am not sitting here thinking that I wasted my money on a sitter.  It may just sound like nonsense colors and decor to you, but to me, it's about creating and stamping my home with who I am and how I want to present myself through it.  Tonight, I made some progress, I made some decisions which are going to allow me to continue on.  And all this on a night when I felt like I had to continue to keep traveling backwards before I could go forward. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Someone Special

It has been quite awhile since I have posted about my adventures in dating.  Truth is I have been in what feels like a standstill (Hmmm... wonder if that has contributed to my thoughts in Lost in Transition!?!).

At the end of September I met a man who I thought was wonderful (Yes, he was the inspiration for Sharing, A Touch of Warmth, Kinks, and the last of The Fab Four.)  We went out a bunch of times and I had such a great time with him.  As I had described him before, he was comfortable to be around, he was interesting, and he was just very attractive in every way.  With him I felt in the moment and I was happy.  Even though I had some of my own issues and kinks to deal with since he was the first person to enter into my life that I wanted to try and have a relationship with, October was a great month with him!  Ironic that one of my issues back then was how I felt guilty that everything seemed so easy with him.  Since October, nothing has been easy...

At the end of the month he got some devastating news about the health of a very close family member.  Cancer.  Not too long after that, a terrible incident occurred which did involve an ex.  Unfortunately, I could relate in many ways to this and I couldn't help but to feel more connected to him.  However, the stress of everything that had happened started to take its toll.  I started to see less and less of him.  We kept in touch via texting, but between busy schedules, the holidays, and life circumstances, we only saw each other once in November.  And I saw him again once in the beginning of December.

Although I could see the big picture and I knew that it wasn't personal, his actions were effecting me as I was put on the back burner (and probably rightly so) but, the issue that I had was that he wasn't communicating with me.  So I decided to do what my first gut reaction was to do back in November and that was to step away.  The reason I didn't do it back in November was because I felt like I was reliving the same thoughts and reactions as I had with my husband when I wanted to step away so that we could take care of ourselves individually first.  I didn't want to have to do this again.  I was hoping that I didn't have to, but as it turned out, I did.  And I think he felt relieved.

So in the middle of December, I walked away on good terms with a man that I still thought of as wonderful, but just one whose life turned sideways on him and he had to straighten it up.  I went back online and surprisingly found myself with a date just a few days later.  Well, that date never happened.  I had gotten sick and had to cancel and then I went away for a week for Christmas.  Honestly, I did want to go out, but as the one date wonder again, lol.  I had no interest in this turning into something, but I got the feeling he was looking for more, so I couldn't reschedule.

When I got back, just before New Year's, I got a text... and we met up and talked.  His spirits were lifted and he seemed like the guy that I met back in October.  He wanted to try again.  We left that option open, and I wanted that too.  It has been 15 days since I have seen him.  He got sick and then my son was sick.  And now....?

He made such an amazing impression in October, that I've let him run on the fumes of that for the past three months.  But, I have to admit, they are wearing.  One thing we did decide that we both needed to take things slowly.  We are both busy people, and especially for me, I wanted to make sure that I don't get so caught up that I lose myself in a relationship, so slow worked for me.  But between that and random life events, I don't think we are even at a snail's pace.  I feel that spark fading as we haven't been able to build much in the absence of one another.

I have worked so hard to keep moving forward.  I didn't at first, but now I feel like this "thing" is stalling and it's not in any moment.  I feel that since there have been so many outside circumstances that have made the timing for us not work, that we needed to be more active in creating circumstances in which we could work.  That takes more effort.  I am not so sure he is putting that extra effort and I need, want, and deserve to be with someone who will.  So, I'll wait only until the end of this week to see if he comes through or not. If he doesn't and there is no moving on with him, that won't take away the fact that he helped me to move on mentally in so many other ways.  But, I do hope that he will.  I'd like to have the opportunity to see where and what kind of relationship could develop with the man who helped me open up so many doors.  Either way, he is someone special. 

Saturday, January 12, 2013


I think that one of the keys to being happy is to have a balanced life.  Everyone has different needs and wants so everyone juggles with their own personal balancing act.  To top that all off, our needs and wants are influenced and effected by outside forces, so we have to throw that into the mix as well.  So finding a healthy, happy balance takes a great deal of effort.

I feel out of balance right now.  These past few months have just been... strange and I feel as though things just built up and threw me out of whack.  I'd have to say, it started this summer.  Despite having spent a good amount of time with my parents and sending my son to day care atleast once a week when I was back home in New York, the summer was tiring.  We traveled alot and were always on the go.  Then there was the trip to California where my son and I spent 24 x 7 x 10 - 45 minutes (he spend with my brother in the pool) together.  It was exhausting.  I am not complaining about any of this.  My summer was fantastic!  I enjoyed not only giving my son many different experiences, but I enjoyed being able to experience so many wonderful times with him as well!  I should have been able to recoup in the following weeks, but I really didn't.

In September, school began and I went back to work.  That meant that my son went back to day care full time.  This is when he began to not fall asleep at night.  My son, who used to fall asleep within 15-20 minutes of putting him down was now taking 1.5-2 hours to fall asleep!  I lay down with him each night.  That's something that I started after my husband died and it's just something that stuck.  It's actually precious and I love it, but after so much time, I have to admit it loses its charm.  However, what that meant for me was a few things... 1.  Sometimes I fell asleep waiting with him.  Then I would wake groggy and would have a bunch of things to do before I could go to bed.  2.  Even if I didn't fall asleep.  Instead of being able to begin my housework and school work and relaxation time around 8 o'clock, I wasn't starting it until 9, 9:30, even 10 sometimes.  That meant I stayed up later to finish or I just didn't do it. It took me a couple of months to realize that it was the naps that he was taking at day care.  He still naps and I have tried to adjust, but it's still difficult to get everything done that I would like to each night.

I also decided in September that I wanted to take this dating thing a bit more seriously and find someone that I could see myself potentially going out with atleast more than once.  Sorting through and e-mailing, texting, or talking to people that you meet online can be a job all on its own.  It's very time consuming and as I stated above, my time was dwindling.  However, I did have two dates... the first one stood me up and I never heard from him again, lol.  The second I did have and that just so happens to be the same guy that I am still... talking, seeing, dating?... today.  We saw each other a bunch of times in October and that added another element into my balancing act.

I have to admit that I have not seen or have gone out with my friends as much as I would have liked to or as much as I did last year.  Part of it is my fault and my inability to find the time and money to do so.  However, some of my friends are going through some changes in their lives too like new homes and pregnancies, so it has been a combination.  I did host one dinner party and had lots of fun.  But it was only one.  Hurricane Sandy, the holiday season, and now the flu have all contributed to cancellations and that's been a big letdown for me.

October was actually really great!  Every weekend was planned with some wonderful fall festivity to do.  That is when my son and I went to Mystic, CT for the long weekend.   Looking back now, I was so excited to do as many fall activities as I could, I didn't plan anything with anyone.  It was me and my son... again.  I should have planned better and have done some of those activities with some of my friends who have children my son's age.  That would have helped balance things out. 

Hurricane Sandy hit just a couple of days before Halloween.  It was such a strange time.  I am so lucky that I did not lose anything, not even electricity.  But it still caused such havoc.  One, we were home bound for almost a week.  A couple days were spend inside because of the weather.  Then afterwards, there wasn't much to do outside because the city shut down.  It wasn't safe to walk around.  Stores, parks, etc. were all closed.  Even as things started to slowly open and get back to "normal" there was the issue of gas.  No one had it, so no one went anywhere.  It took a good few weeks just for us lucky ones to get back to normal.  That time was very mentally exhausting because I was with my son and it mainly was just the two of us.  There wasn't anywhere to go and there was so much going on that even play dates seemed to be too much. I love him dearly, but it took its toll... on both of us, lol. 

Before I knew it, it was already Thanksgiving.  I drove across state for a few days to spend the holiday with my family.  It was also during this time that my new "friend" (ugh, I hate to call him that, but since I haven't posted anything much about him, that's what I will call him for now) and I were having a difficulties finding the time to see one another.   He had a lot going on and I just didn't know what was going on with us.  I didn't know him that well or for that long, but I really liked him so it was a bit troubling.   

December... started off great!  I thought things were finally getting back on track.  Every weekend was booked... Polar Express with friends and kids, two weekends in a row with visitors, my birthday... it was all great!  Then I got sick.  I got sick in middle of December.  I just finished my antibiotics last week and this week my son had the flu.  It's been almost a month of sickness and it has been draining!  I've been such a hermit, and not by choice.

So here I am today...  trying to find what I need and want to do to shift the weight over towards my side a bit more.  When I read what I just wrote, there is nothing that was so awful that happened and I am very fortunate for that!  Ironic that many of the things that I feel helped throw things out of balance were positive things... like vacations and holidays. 

I feel that last year, I knew that I had to focus on finding myself and I had to make sure that I was doing things to that would ensure my mental and physical health.  And I did.   And it felt great, I felt great!  I was a more energetic mother, friend, and teacher.   I need to find that again.  And I will, as long as I can find that balance.    

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Lost in Transition

Not so long ago, it seemed as if every few months, my son would enter a new phase of life.  Not so surprising since he's only three now and that's what babies do.  I remember that these changes always seemed to happen just as I finished adjusting and became comfortable with the phase that he was in.  I also remember that the transitional time wasn't just an adjustment for me, it was for my son too.  His mood and behaviors would change a bit... he seemed a bit off.  That's how I knew he was in the process of some kind of change. 

I think I'm in the process of a change.

For some time now, I have felt a bit off.  I don't feel unhappy or stuck.  But I have felt like I've been on a treadmill... moving, but not getting anywhere.  Today I actually sat down and thought about all of this and that was my big revelation.  I'm not sure how to describe how I feel about it.  Frustrated?  Disheartened?  A bit, but not enough to label my feelings with those words.  And that is when I thought about my experience with my son as he moved through so many stages so quickly when he was a baby.  My phasing just doesn't seem to be transitioning as quickly.  In many ways, I wish it would.  I don't like it.  But at the same time, maybe there is a reason.  If I'm not consciously thinking about it, perhaps then my subconscious is moving at the exact pace it is meant to move. 

So what is this change?

Back in November, I posted about how I was going to attempt The Happiness Project once again and I was going to start from the beginning with organization.  Well, I did start it in November and I feel like I am still working on that first month and I just can't move on to the second.  I feel cluttered and unorganized.  But really, its just that I am ready to shed some more of my old possessions.  Since I have decided that NYC is home (Home Sweet Brooklyn!?!) I have also decided that staying in my current apartment is best (financially, ease of life, etc.).  So, I decided if I was going to stay in this apartment, I was going to update it as much as I can to make it me.  To make it truly home.  This process, although fun, is difficult in that there are things that I want to get rid of because they don't fit in or I'm just plain tired of them but... It's that whole process of letting more things go.  I'm not very materialistic and I have tried not to put so much sentiment onto materialistic items, but these items are just reminders of my past.  And as hard as I have worked to make it possible to look forward with hope and a smile, it breaks my heart to know that someday soon all of these things will eventually be phased out and replaced. 

Currently, I'm working on my kitchen.  I just bought (and put together!) and new kitchen island with a granite (yay!) counter top.  I have very little counter space, so this was almost a necessity.  But that meant that I no longer needed or had room for the old one.  Since the new one has more storage, I also took down the butcher's rack to make more room in the kitchen.  I'm giving the old cart away to someone who needs it and that makes me feel good.  The racks are probably just going to be put in front of my house and some stranger will probably pick them up.  I cannot tell you how many of my possessions have been given away in those two ways.  I know that it is completely my decision to give them up, but I think giving them up is part of my healing and process of moving on and that was something that was more forced upon me to have to do. 

As I was taking down those racks last night, it made me sad because I was taking down what my husband had put up.  And then I did something that I don't know if I had allowed myself to do ever... It was so quiet in my apartment last night, I closed my eyes and I tried to remember the sounds that I used to hear.  My husband would have been in the next room with the t.v. on.  He would have been making tea, as he drank a cup every night.  My dogs would have been walking around, playing, whining to go outside, or just lying next to my husband who liked to sit on the floor with them and his tea while he watched some history show.  But instead, it was silent.  And lonely. 

And as sad and as painful as the loneliness was, there was also something else in that loneliness.  I know that some of it will never ever be filled.  However, some of it can and I want that.  I will always be a work in progress, but I don't need that alone time anymore to find myself and to heal.  I miss having someone to share all aspects of life with (not just raising my son as I usually post).  So I think that it is this that is truly the root of my of my thoughts and feelings, not the loss of a cheap, ugly butcher's rack.  Shedding more concrete possessions is really a representation for the emotional shedding that I have been doing.  It's not just an idea anymore, it's now a reality that I want to share my life again with someone. 

These transitional phases are so difficult.  I'm thinking the best thing to do is to just let it be.  There are some things that you just cannot rush.  Perhaps I need to show myself the same patience that I needed to give my son and still do as he continues to change and grow as that is what I am doing myself. 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Follow Me?

I just put up the followers gadget and yes after a whole year of blogging I have two, lol.  In my defense, I initially had this gadget posted, but took it off after only a couple of weeks.  So if anyone else was interested in following me, they wouldn't have been able to. 

However, there are people out there who do read this blog.  And whether you are a regular or a one timer, I thank you. Except for an occasional post label, I have not advertised my blog in any way.  But I actually do enjoy looking at my stats and seeing how many page views my posts get. 

So, since I have never done this, I would like to welcome you to my blog.  If you would like to be an official follower, that would be awesome!  If not, that's okay too.  Keep reading anyways.  And comments are always welcome as well!