Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Daisy Picking

I love it, I love it not.  I love it, I love it not.

That's the kind of relationship I have had with my apartment over the past 4 years.  I've mentioned my apartment numerous times and I'm sure I have mentioned it even more than I recall.  The thing is that my apartment has played such a significant role.

I moved in here the summer of 2010 with my husband, my 10 month old son, and my two dogs.  I found this apartment and ended up choosing this apartment before Dale ever even saw it.  We bought our house that way (you had to move quick back in 2004!) and he said he trusted me to do it again with an apartment.  Well... he wasn't so happy.  He was really upset actually.  This apartment was smaller and not in as nice of a condition as the one we were currently living in at the time.  However, we had already given notice and we had to find a place.  I was the one looking and everything else that I saw in the neighborhood we wanted was smaller and pricier, except this place.  It was smaller, but the biggest I had seen and it was significantly less than others in the neighborhood and $350 less than what were were currently paying.  And since NYC was not a permanent home, I thought we could make it work for a year, two at the most.  It made sense.

So from the very beginning, this place always did feel like mine.  I picked it out, I defended it.  I love it.

Looking back now, this apartment was one of the many things that was just picking at our relationship.  Dale did get over it, as we obviously moved in, but the whole process was awful... the way he made me feel for choosing this place and the actual move itself.  We even had issues getting our deposit back from our old landlords, $2000!  What they were doing was unfair and I was about a step away from going to court in January of 2011.  I dropped the whole issue when Dale accused me of spending more effort trying to get that money back than on him.  January.  2011.  I didn't know that he was in such a poor state mentally.  He hid it well.  What I saw was a man who was just not happy with me.  Nothing I did was good enough and he was mean to me.  Awful actually.  I love it not.

This apartment holds the memories of my son's first steps and his first birthday.  It also holds the memories of our lasts.  Our last times and moments shared as a family.  Our last birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, and all of the other day to day memories.  Memories of all five of us, dogs included.   This was that last place that we all called home together.  I love it.

This apartment also holds the worst of the worst.  This apartment saw Dale's unraveling.  This is the place where he threw his worst at me and I saw his demons.  This is the place where he first attempted.  This is the place where he attacked me.  This is the place where I spent my last night with him, holding his hand as he sobbed and sobbed for what he had done until he fell asleep.  All that I knew to do was to reassure him that the person that just choked me was not a monster.  I knew he wasn't, but I also knew that I was afraid and had made the decision then to put the life and safety of our son and my own ahead of his.  The absolute hardest decision I ever had to make and ever will, especially when you know what the possible outcome could be.  A decision no one should ever have to make.  This is also the place where during that same time, I think that Dale also decided to put our son's and my own safety and life above his own, in the only way that his unraveled mind knew how.  This is the place where 17 days later, I got the call.  The call that changed everything.  I love it not.

This apartment is the place that allowed me to maintain what little of the life I once had.  This was the place that I could afford on my own and allowed me to not disrupt my son's life anymore than it had been already by having to move 3 years ago.  This was the place that was so close to work that it made my very difficult life, in those early days, manageable.  This is the place where my son and I became this incredible team.  This is the place that holds all-that-I-can-remember happy, warm, loving memories with my son as grew from a 20 month year old baby to a five year old little man.  This is the place where I somehow battled the pain, grief, confusion, loneliness, and sadness.  This is the place where amongst the rubble of a broken life, I found myself.  This is the place that helped me to decide that NYC is home, a place and a feeling I hadn't truly experienced in my adult life.  I love it.

If these walls could talk, I wonder what they'd say about me.  In these past 4 years, these walls absorbed both the very worst and the very best in life and in the human spirit.  This apartment... I love it and I hate it all at the same time.  Pushing aside all feelings for John, since he is what this move is all about, I don't know if I am happy or sad to be leaving this place.  I know that I hadn't yet, on my own.  There's a part of me that wishes I could stay here and be happy forever.  There is something stagnant and safe in that.  Then there's that part of me that wonders why and how I could have stayed here after all that had happened.  Perhaps it is your pick.  On any given day at any given time, it could be either... I love it.  I love it not.  But more than likely it's a bit of both at the same time.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

It's Official...

I'm moving!

I first mentioned this probably back in April, since that is when John and I first began talking about moving in together. Seven months later and we finally have a move-in date, November 23.  Odd date, I know, but since we both have our current apartments until December 1st, it gives us some time to move in at a less hectic pace.

So this apartment... it's pretty cool.  It's very cool actually and I am so excited.  I saw this apartment before, it must have been about a year ago or so when I was looking around and deciding if I wanted to move out of my current apartment before my son started kindergarten and before John was ever in my life.  It was way out of my price range, but it was unique and just one of those apartments that stood out from the rest.  So, you could imagine my surprise and my excitement when John emailed me the link to this very same place last week because he knew I would love it.  We went to look at it the very next day and we both loved it.  We found our home... yay!

Since this is my excited post (there will be more around this gigantic milestone!) let me tell you what makes this apartment so awesome...

1.  My big move, it's literally 2 blocks up and 2 blocks to the right from where I currently live, lol.  I'll still be in my neighborhood, just a different section of it.

2. I am now only 2 blocks away from Prospect Park.  The closer proximity and the live in sitter (lol) gives me more reasons to be able to run more often start running again.

3.  My commute to work will be 7 minutes, instead of 5... sacrifices, sacrifices, ;)

4.  We are in a two block radius of 3 different playgrounds!

5.  We will be in a different school zone.  A school I applied to get my son into, but didn't get into because we were out of zone.  Now we are in!  However, we are still so close to my son's current school, he is going to stay put.  He loves it there and I don't want to disrupt every part of his life.  I will find out my options and make a decision this summer about where he will attend next school year.  Either way, both schools are excellent!

6.  Dishwasher, enough said.  Well, almost...

7.  Washer and dryer in the actual unit!

8.  A new build... from 2007.  Everyone and their mother could not have possibly lived there in only 7 years.

9.  The Kitchen... modern, stainless steel appliances, granite counter tops... clean and fresh!

10.  The open floor plan... the kitchen opens up to the living room.  Its a big space and it will be great for entertaining.

11.  The vaulted ceilings and sky lights!    There is so much light in this apartment!  I love natural light and this is actually what hooked both of our attentions.

12.  The balcony off of the master bedroom.  Granted, the bedrooms are not as big as I would have wanted.  But, I would much rather have a large living space, which we do.  So its a trade-off that is worth it as is the private balcony.

13. The rooftop deck!  Awesome!!!  It's completely private too.  It's rather big and we can fit a decent crowd up there, too bad we're moving in November when it will be too cold to spend much time up there.  But... I think I sold this move and this apartment to my son when I told him we could put a sandbox up there (he's obsessed with diggers!).  What is also very cool is the walk way from the door to the terrace.  You actually are on a "ramp" that goes over the kitchen and living room.  There are windows on both sides, so you can actually look into the apartment, again, all private.

14.  I could never afford this place on my own, however it is significantly less than what we both pay in rent combined.  I like that John doesn't live above his means and that we found this awesome home and it's not going to break the bank, we can actually save.

15.  This place is very modern.  I've never done modern before.  It's so fresh and new to me.  It really is starting over and it seems to be cleaning the slate.  That's a good thing.

16.  I love how I loved this apartment on my own.  The apartment itself, the building, the different section of my neighborhood were all things that I loved about this apartment.  I love how John knew that I would love it without my ever telling him.  And I love how things that I love on my own can find their way seamlessly with John.