Sunday, February 16, 2014

A Last Redezvous?

In October I was feeling a bit down and out.  I was tired of meeting wrong guy after wrong guy.  Even my mom could feel the frustration and she told me that "he was just around the corner."  And you know, I actually believed her.  Ever since I had come home from my NW trip, I felt that I was in a new phase.  I felt different.  I did feel as if he were just around the corner and my mom saying that to me only helped me to actually believe it even more.

So, I started to think about how BIG this actually was going to be when it happened.  As wonderful and as amazing as it was going to be, the one thing that was bittersweet to me was going to be the change of dynamics between my son and myself.  That sounds completely selfish, I know.  I want nothing more than a great man for both of us.  But, we do have something special.  I know it will always be special, but part of that uniqueness comes from it being just the two of us.

Those thoughts gave me the courage to book a trip to Disney World for just me and my son.  I didn't ask anyone else, not my parents... no one.  I wanted it to be just the two of us.  And we are leaving tomorrow... actually today... in 9 hours.  I can't believe it is here already.  I am super excited and super nervous all at the same time.  I think that I am going to need a vacation after my vacation, lol.  But it is going to be truly special and magical.  I am so happy to be spending it with my son... alone. 

You see, I think that perhaps he was just around the corner, a corner that I turned... :)

We will be back Friday... Hopefully I will have pictures to share next weekend! 

Proofs of Love

It was almost exactly two years ago that I stepped back out into the dating world.  It had taken me nearly a year to do this and in that first year I did some deep soul searching about who I was and who I needed and wanted to be in my life.  The past two years of dating has helped me to define that, but the foundation was built as I began to rebuild myself that first year. 

Two years ago, I wrote a post with the same title as this one...  Proofs of Love (click to read the older version).  When I wrote that I did so almost innocently.  I was so full of hope that this actually existed.  It wasn't based on anything other than the quote, "There is no love, only proofs of love" and my own romantic optimism. 

Yesterday morning I sat in my classroom before my work day began and read that post.  I had forgotten what my Valentine's Day had been like that first year.  I had somewhat forgotten about that post and certainly didn't realize that I had posted it on Valentine's Day. 

Reading that post yesterday morning, brought tears to my eyes.  Two years ago, those words were what I was hoping for.  They were what I had wanted to find and to feel with someone.  Yesterday, I realized that I have all that I had wanted for when I wrote that post... I am given proofs of love everyday by this incredible man that I call my New Yorker. 

The entire day was completely wonderful yesterday.  And at the end of the night when he told me that he loved me, I looked at him, smiled, and said "I know."  He asked how and my response was quick and easy.  "You show me."  After a short nod, he kissed me on the forehead and felt surrounded by it... his love.  <3

Sunday, February 9, 2014

A Big Moment

When my grandmother talks about my grandfathers, I can hear the love in her voice that she had for both of them.  When she talks about my step-grandfather, the man that she married after my grandfather passed away, I hear something more. 

My step-grandfather was 17 years older than my grandmother.  To my grandmother, that was just a number.  To her, she had met a man who understood her pain, having been widowed himself.  But even more than that, she had met a man who wanted to take care of her and wanted to make her happy.  When she speaks of him I can hear in her voice not only her love for him, but his love for her. 

My grandmother had two young children, my father who was 8 and my aunt who was 6.  My step-grandfather had children of his own, but being 17 years older, they were already grown and out of the house.  My grandmother says that he looked at her children as an opportunity to do that all over again and he embraced them as his own.  He helped to raise two wonderful people in my father and my aunt.  He was the one there for all of the big moments... graduations, weddings, (grand)children.  My father and my aunt were both old enough to have memories and to have been influenced by my grandfather, but my step-grandfather's role was no less significant.  As difficult as it is to say, it was even more. 

I think that is the more that I hear in my grandmother's voice.  It's more than an appreciation towards him.  Actually, I am not sure what word I can use to describe it.  It's just something more.  I always picked up on that feeling from her even before I became a widow myself.  But it wasn't until after, that I could truly begin to understand that feeling. 

It takes a very special man to do what my step-grandfather did.  I know that there are men (and women!) that step up to the plate everyday.  But I know that in my grandmother's case, it was more than just stepping up to the plate.  He wasn't there because he felt sorry for a young widowed mother and her two children and he wanted to do an honorable thing.  He loved and adored my grandmother.  And he loved and adored her children as if they were his own.  That's what made him honorable.  He had a big heart and he opened it up to all three of them. 

I understand that feeling even more now than ever before because my son and my New Yorker have met.  I have seen first hand the interactions between the two of them.  And it's... incredible. :')
My son has been so happy during our times spent together.  He's chatty and silly and comfortable around him.  And my New Yorker, the 40 year old bachelor who didn't think he had it in him to be a good father... is a natural.  And not just in the way that he interacts and connects with my son.  But as a caretaker too... removing the knife from the place setting (even I still forget sometimes!), covering his head so he doesn't bump it on the table when he goes to pick something off of the floor, being able to divert his attention when a little tantrum is about to take place... just little common sense things that wouldn't necessarily come to a person who doesn't have children. 

Tuesday was a big moment day.  It was a huge deal for me to let my son into the picture.  It was a huge deal that my New Yorker wanted this to happen.  He was the one who first brought it up.  We discussed this weeks before it actually happened and I was made well aware of both his excitement and fears in meeting my son and why.  It's because of how he feels about me.  And the beauty that I saw with him and my son interacting, is a direct  result of those feelings. 

As far as my feelings go, it is love.  It is appreciation.  It's also more.  A whole lot more. 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Mommy Milestones

This past week, I've hit some big milestones as a mom.  In other words... my little boy is growing up!!!

My son is finally old enough to join a Little League Tee Ball team!  He has a later birthday and missed the cutoff last year.  But this year he's ready to go!  This brings back such memories for me as I played organized softball from the time I was nine and throughout high school.  I have SO many memories as much of the summer time was spent playing and traveling to different tournaments.  My Little League team won states one year and my high school team was one of the top ranked teams in New York State.  So I have been very excited for my son to be old enough to start playing baseball.  And now that the time is here, I can't help but to wonder where did that time go!?!  Crazy!

This week I also signed my son up for a summer camp.  He loves, loves, loves to dig in the dirt and so what better place than the Botanic Garden?  He'll be learning about soil, seeds, bugs, and all things dirty.  He'll have a chance to channel his inner country boy and he's going to love it!  It's twice a week for the whole month of July and... it's a drop off!  He's finally old enough to be dropped off somewhere (other than school) and left... for 3 hours!  Woo hoo!  Since the gardens are one of my favorite places, I plan on spending a good amount of the days there, relaxing and reading.  It's also across the street from a park.  So on my energetic days, I can go running.  Or maybe best yet, lay out in the sun! 

I also finished applying my son for kindergarten this week!  Kindergarten!!!  I have decided to stay put in my apartment because financially it makes the most sense.  Our zoned school is also very nice as well.   However, I did apply to two other schools that are nearby.  Chances are that we won't get in because they typically only take zoned children as well.  But, I had the opportunity to apply to schools outside of my zone and they are close enough to make them doable.  And even more importantly, they are very, very good schools.... public NYC schools!  It's funny to think that my son is a true New Yorker... a born and raised Brooklyn boy!

I discovered last week that my son also has a loose tooth!  It's his first... but he's only four.  He was so excited at first especially since he knows that the Tooth Fairy will come.  What he didn't understand was what a loose tooth really was and how it felt.  He also didn't realize that he would be losing all of his teeth.  He was actually a bit devastated when I told him.  He cried and cried.  I couldn't help but to laugh (bad mom, lol).  But I squeezed him tight as he cried as I think I was crying a bit inside too being hit with another biggie.  My son really is growing up!

Perhaps the biggest milestone of them all, was what occurred on Tuesday.  My son and my New Yorker met for the very first time!  This was such a big day... for all of us.