Sunday, January 26, 2014

The "L" Word

The Look.  I love the way my New Yorker looks at me.  It makes me feel so many different things all at once and they are all wonderful.  Above all, it makes me feel significant.  In this look I can feel how significant that this man that I have known for such a short amount of time views me, and it's awesome!  It's something that I am simply embracing and don't want to lose.

I have yet to tell him anything substantial about the events that surrounded Dale's death and even my relationship with him for that matter.  He knows that Dale took his own life, but that's all.  He has never asked any questions.  He never asked how when I first told him that I was a widow.  Weeks later, he never asked for more details after I told him how Dale died.  There has been no pressure, there has been no probing, and that has been such a comfort. 

On my end, I did not expect to have gone this long without telling him more about the past.  The way he has handled himself and the situation has definitely played a role.  I also feel that time has played a role as well.  With Jesse, I felt weigh heavily on me until I did tell him.  A year ago, I felt that I was defined by it.  Now, it is only part of what has made me into who I am today.  It is a very significant piece, the most, but still a piece.  I think that is a good think in where I am mentally today.  There is however a third reason as well.  That reason, the look.  I don't want it to change.

NYer is a forty year old man who embraced life and who has lived his life fully.  All that being said, I have noticed through his words in our conversations in the past few dates something that is rather innocent about him.  Innocent... not the word you'd use to describe a grown man, but I can't help but to see it.  Three times I noticed it.  Twice he was commenting on movies with rather horrific events.  And a third time when he was describing some new friends that he went out to visit in Seattle.  Call it innocence, call it ignorance, call it denial, call it whatever... I think he is going to be shocked when I tell him my story.  Shocked in a sense that I feel as if the reality of the situation is going to take a piece of innocence from him. 

I can't help but to wonder if it will change the way he looks at me. 

On Friday, the real "L" word was said to me.  I can't sit here and type about how romantic it was or how I had a shiver of affection surge through my body.  It wasn't like that.  It's not because it didn't mean anything to me.  It means so much.  But, he didn't have to say it out loud.  I already knew.  Love is not the word.  Love is the actions.  It is how a person treats you.  It is the effort that they put into you.  It is the way in which they look at you...

There is something innocent and pure in the way that he looks at me.  I'm not sure that will be able to remain in tact.  My experience was horrific, it even stripped me of some of the innocence I still possessed as a grown woman.  And I think it will change what I treasure so much from him right now. 

I don't know what exactly it is that I am in fear of.  I just feel that the look will change and I am fearing the unknown.  Perhaps I should have saved yesterday's post title and song for today, "Be Brave."  And more than that, I think I just need to trust him and believe in him and that look. 

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Be Brave

I am nearing the end of space on my charm bracelet.  Each bead representing something learned in the past two years for me... All, except one.  My rose quartz bead.

I knew after our first date (two months ago today!) that there was something different about him.  I left that first date feeling an appreciation for a man who stood out from the others because I felt he was the real deal.  I didn't know if his deal was that kind that I wanted, but I appreciated him for just being himself.  It wasn't long after that first date that I realized that this man was someone who was capable of taking me outside of my comfort zone, if I let him.  And I wanted him to.

When I decided that, I realized to my dismay that I do carry some baggage.  I do have hold ups and reservations and fears that no amount of talking about and no amount of wishful thinking can cure.  The only thing that I can do is to face them head on.  Since these are issues surrounding being part of a relationship, there is no alternative.  I cannot avoid them if I want to be part of any meaningful relationship.

So when I came across a rose quartz bead in my search for beads to represent my learning of embracing and enjoying the process and maintaining all that I learned and believed in to get me to where I am, I had to buy it.  Why rose quartz?  My friend carries a rose quartz crystal with her all the time.  It's believed to attract and to keep love.  That is why she carries it.  However, it is also believed to "heal one's heart from pain" and to help "dissolve painful memories related to love."  That is why I carry it.

Why is it important to step outside of your walls of comfort?  It's because that's how you grow as a person.  Because I saw him as a real person, I felt that I could trust him.  That makes him a safe person.  However, that doesn't make the fear any less.  It just made me more brave to face my fears.  But it's scary.  It's still putting myself out there.  It's still risky.  It's still awkward. 

People do all sorts of things to help them deal and face their fears.  I bought a $20 bead of rose quartz.  And if it has helped in any way, it was such a small price to pay for something amazing.

Monday, January 20, 2014

All on a Day

MLK, Jr. Day... Four years ago today I bought my car.  That was such an awful experience.   The worst part about that experience was what occurred to me about my relationship with Dale.  It was then that I began to realize how awful our communication was, how disconnected we were, and how unsupportive he could be of me and my decisions.  January of 2010... That seemed to be the beginning of what snowballed out of control by the end of that year.

MLK, Jr. Day... One year ago today was the last day that I spent with and saw Jesse.  I spent almost the last entire year wanting to see him again.  But he never called back in May and we never just bumped into one another in the neighborhood or on the subway (we lived close).  Other than a bottle of perfume, it's almost as if he never existed.  I deleted the texts.  Never had any pictures.  He really did disappear from my life without a trace and one year ago today was the last day that I had with a man that I truly cared about and with whom broke my heart.

MLK, Jr. Day... Today my New Yorker is really my New Yorker now as we decided that we are in a real relationship.  I am still not in love but I do love him for who he is.  Not so long ago I described him as vibrant and loving.   I need to add genuine to that list as well.  As I am getting to know him more and more, I am finding that all of the things that I thought he may be are really true.  And it's not true because I am psychic or that I am delusional, they are true because he truly is who he says he is and how he presents himself to be.  He's honest... genuine.  I cannot imagine anyone being more right for me at this moment in time.  The best part, he feels the same.  And, we're happy.  :)


Sunday, January 19, 2014


I'm not quite sure when it began, but for some time now I have been having dreams about houses.  In each dream it is a different house.  In each dream it is a large house.  In each dream I am moving in or renovating it.  In each dream the house is empty.  In each dream the house never feels like home.  In each dream the house is scary... not haunted, but unsettling to me.

For the most part, these dreams are rather uneventful.  I don't remember much about them other than these homes tend to be old, big, and empty.  In these dreams, I have plans for the house, but I have yet to see these plans ever take place.  There are people in my dreams, mainly my family.  But, I do not recall the conversations within the dream.

There were a couple of dreams that stand out as in I remember details about them other than just the fact I had another house dream.  There was one however that just frightened me and I woke up spooked.  This was the dream that I had while my son staying with my parent's and I was home alone, just a couple of weeks ago.  I didn't give many details in "Back to Normal."  But, I would like to share more now.

I remember I had just moved into a new house.  This one house was different than most of my other dreams because this house didn't feel old.  It was big, but it was airy and light.  The architecture seemed more simple.  But, it there were lots of white walls and lots of sun light.  My sister was in this dream too.  So was Dale. I remember being outside in my new neighborhood and hearing that he was nearby.  In my dream, I knew that I needed to get home as soon as possible, because he was mad at me.  Angry.  In my dreams that I have had with Dale, I am always fully aware that he is dead.  In this dream, I don't think I was aware of that.  All I knew was that I was scared and I didn't want to see him.  The next scene in this dream was that I was in that house, getting ready to go out.  I remember that I thought my sister was in the house with me.  When I found out she wasn't, I was a bit uneasy about being there alone.  Then the doorbell rang.  I panicked.  I was immediately frightened that it was Dale and that he was going to come in.  I remember sprinting to the front door completely terrified because I knew it was unlocked.  And when I got there, the door was open.  However, the person who stood before me wasn't Dale, it was a contractor.  He was coming to paint.  I woke up at this point and was upset.  It took me a long time to fall back to sleep, and when I did, it was with the lights on. :(

Last Saturday was my next house dream.  In this dream I was again in an old, large house.  This one was very tall with many floors.  This house also had an attic and a winding staircase leading to them.  This staircase went on for a couple of floors.  It was in poor condition as well.  I don't remember much about the rest of this house, but only the nervousness that I felt every time I went up to the attic.  At the time and even after I immediately woke up, I remember what I did in the attic.  Now, I remember very little.  I remember walking up the stairs with someone and I remember a man and a child in the attic one time too, but it wasn't scary or creepy in the dream.  What I also remember about climbing these stairs was that each time I did, the hallway was becoming lighter and lighter.  I remember at one point someone that was walking upstairs with me said to someone else what a great job I was doing decorating my way all the way up to the attic.  (Even though I don't remember ever seeing the rest of the house that I assumed did a great job redecorating?.?)  And that was it.

When I woke up on Sunday morning, I decided to Google the meaning of dreaming about a house.  I had enough of them that I was curious to find out what some believe it to mean.  This is what I read from Dream Moods...

Your dream house is symbolic of the Self, while the rooms inside the house relate to various aspects of the Self and to the many facets of your personality. The attic refers to the mind, while the basement represents the subconscious.

To see an attic in your dream represents hidden memories or repressed thoughts that is being revealed. It also symbolizes your mind, spirituality, and your connection to the higher Self. Alternatively, it signifies difficulties in your life that may hinder you from attaining your goals and aspirations. However, after a long period of struggle, you will overcome these difficulties. 
  To see a cluttered attic in your dream, is a sign to organize your mind and thoughts.    Perhaps, you need to rid yourself of the past and let go of the past emotions that are holding you back. 
After I read that, it made sense to me and I couldn't help but to believe that there is truth in the meaning behind our dreams.  It made complete sense, especially these last two.  In the scary dream, I was in a new house, which is representative of starting a new phase of your life.  And... I am becoming more emotionally mature :).  I had this dream in the midst of the week that I was able to spend both days and nights with my New Yorker, the first time I was able to spend that significant amount of time with anyone.  It would be and it is scary to think that the past (represented by Dale) and the turmoil of it could enter into this new phase and ruin it in some way.  So not wanting him to enter that new, clean, fresh house makes perfect sense.

As far as what I took from the attic dream, that one occurred last weekend.  Last weekend I was in the midst of my doubt and worry about my New Yorker.  When I read that dreaming about the attic could represent the need to let go of the past and the emotions from that that are keeping me back, it made me think about what I was so bothered by what happened with the New Yorker.

Fear.  My greatest fear in being part of a relationship is to wake up one day and find myself completely unhappy.  Not just unhappy, but in such an awful relationship that I wonder how I ever could have allowed myself to get to that point.  I am afraid to find myself in such a bad relationship that it makes me doubt why I ever I needed to leave Dale.  Which is what I did.  When I realized that stepping away was what I needed to do for all three of us, I did it.  I had to and I know that I did.  However,  I am terrified to one day wake up and doubt the decision that led to such tragedy.

So I am was on (explain soon!) high alert for any warning signs that could potentially put me up face to face with a fear that I should never have to face. 

I hope soon that I will have a dream in which my house is a home and that it is filled with every one and everything that I love the most. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

War Wounds

When I am bothered, utterly and truly upset and stressed, my insides become freezing cold.  It doesn't matter the temperature, in the midst of the hottest summer day, that deep chill of stress sets in and nothing will eleviate it except to eleviate the stress.

Monday this bitter chill set in.  Not only that, but I felt sick.  My stomach was in knots and I could barely eat all day long.  Monday, I was expecting a phone call.  A phone call in which I had to express my thoughts and feelings over what had happened over the weekend.  Like I had posted on Sunday, what had happened wasn't a deal breaker, however I have to admit there was a part of me that considered walking away mainly because it seemed a better alternative to having to confront my New Yorker.  It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. 

I was petrified.  I feared that once I opened up my mouth and began to share what had bothered me and how it made me feel that somehow my words would not be heard.  Instead they would be twisted and used against me and that by the end of the conversation, I would have been pretty much convinced that it really was my fault.  That's what my life once was.

Even though I have worked so hard through that tough pain, and have built more self confidence, and had written down what I had wanted to say (just in case), and that I didn't think that the New Yorker would attack my thoughts and words... I still was completely stressed.

When he called, I didn't tell him what bothered me and how it made me feel.  I didn't have too.  He began by saying "I know your mad..."  He apologized and vowed to make it up to me so that I would know and not doubt how he really feels about me.  And even though I completely trusted his sincerity, I still opened my mouth and spoke for myself just to voice my own thoughts because I wanted the both of us to hear them.  And... I survived! 

This fear had nothing to do with my New Yorker.  I am sure to be uncomfortable with any future confrontation that I have with him or with anyone else.  However, that fear will be less harsh and that does have everything to do with him. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Forgetting the Now

"When you look too far ahead into the future, it's easy to forget the moment you're in and to lose appreciation for the only thing in life that is certain... what is before you in the present time of now."

This was the post that I had wanted to write on Friday.  But I had not yet shared what had been going on with the New Yorker and how I was feeling.  However, had I posted this on Friday, I wouldn't have come up with my very own quote and the last post prior to Friday, does not end with the way this one began as "At Any Other Time" does.  However, I have to admit that writing the past couple of posts were a bit difficult in that I wanted to write them how I felt before Friday, unbiased.  See, Friday changed things a bit.  

He flew out Wednesday night to visit some friends for an extended long weekend.  Great!  He went to Seattle and I was really excited for him because I had just been there myself and loved it.  I was also happy because I wanted to be able to show him that I respect his freedom because my own is so important.  

Before he flew out on Wednesday, he had asked if I'd like to go to a concert with him at the end of February.  That's over a month away!  Why do I mention this?  Well it was half of the inspiration for my quote.  The other half... 

His texts were sporadic, at times I didn't get a response for hours or even the next day.  They were different too.  I wasn't expecting mushy, but if I was only going to get one I didn't want the status of his hangover.  I did get a text from him on Friday apologizing for disappearing, blaming it on his intoxication. 

I'm a thinker.  I'm a processor.  I'm an analyzer.  I am still in self protection mode.  And, I had all weekend to think about this.  I am still getting to know him.  I am still learning about who he is and how he works. What I have issue with is that I was treated differently.  I didn't need, want, or expect texts all day every day.  I just wanted him to act/text like he did when he was here.  When he was here and went out with friends, he would laugh and tell me not to answer the phone, that he may say too much under the influence.  Away, he distanced himself even further and disappeared.  And his reason is not an excuse that I find acceptable, cute, or impressive. Even more than that, it is one that took me completely by surprise.  I didn't expect that from him.

This is not a deal breaker, but we took a step back.  We need to talk. I need to let him know how that made me feel.  I need him to be consistent so that I can trust him.  There is no point in looking ahead if the it's not right in the now. 

At No Other Time

Were our paths ever to have crossed at any other point in our lives,  I doubt that either one of us would have considered the other.  I even felt it on our first date.  For no reason, I felt that had I met him at any other time other than right then, he would have been one of the many good time dates that never saw a second.

As I begin to get to know him better and learn more and more about him, I realize that those initial thoughts actually have some validity... We are very different people who have led even more different lives.  I think I was also right on when I wrote the post, "Stepping Outside of My Comfort Zone."  I think with him I will see different things, try new things, and most pushing of all... let go of old thoughts and perspectives and take on new ones.

I am an intimate person.  I keep a small group of people close to me.  It has been a challenge for me to add on an extra outer layer of friends that I can sustain a relationship with without having them in my inner circle.  In many ways, I am a loner.  I function well alone and am not afraid to be alone (although I hate the term loner).  I met Dale a month shy of my 19th birthday.  I got married when I was 23 and I was with him and only him for almost 14 years.  During that time, we did not do anything wild and crazy.  We backpacked through Scotland, we moved alot, we went out occasionally with friends, we spent most of our time together hiking, kayaking, antiquing, taking small day trips.. just the two of us.

New Yorker is social.  He does have an inner circle of his most important peeps.  But he has a vast outer circle that he isn't afraid or shy about tapping in to.   He is 40.  He has never been married.  He definitely lives the life of a bachelor.  He was a frat boy in college.  A class skipping, hard core party boy.  He did have a job after college, but also bar tended and lived a late night life for many years.

My view of him probably would have been extreme.  His view of me probably would have been boring.  I doubt neither one of us would have given the other a second thought had we met earlier in our lives. 

Now, I am looking for someone who is social.  I want someone who has friends.  I want a relationship that is not isolated.  I also want to feel more alive.  I don't feel the need to jump out of a plane to do that.  Nor do I feel that partying and getting wasted is the way either.  But, I would like to meet more people, see different things, and try new things that I didn't do earlier in my life.  Some of these things I didn't do because I didn't have the opportunity to do them.  Some of these things I didn't do  out of a lack of confidence, sometimes out of a lack of money, perhaps out of a  lack of friends in my life, and most likely of all, fear. 

He is excited because he knows that there's so much to show me and he wants to.  Combine that with my last post and that makes for something potentially amazing.  I like how the past doesn't seem so relevant.  It only led us to the present and it's the right now that matters most. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

The New Yorker

I am torn between vibrant and loving.  Two very different words.  Two complimentary words.  Two words that I would use to describe my New Yorker.  He is awesome for sure.  And there have been times when I have looked at him or just thought of him in amazement.

He has told me time and again of how much he likes me and how happy he is to have met me and to have me in his life.  What is better than hearing those words is being able to actually believe them.  And I do.  I do because he backs them up with his actions.  He puts both the time and the effort into making our time spent special.  He has been nothing but thoughtful, caring, respectful... a true gentleman.  I love the way that he looks at me.  It makes me feel like he truly sees me.  And what I see is someone who is being completely genuine.

While I love all of the above about him, I have not yet fallen in love.  What I do feel, as I did on our very first date, is appreciation.   And I am happy too for having had met him and for having him in my life right now. 

Monday, January 6, 2014

Back to Normal

After 16 days (minus the one day I had to go in last week) off of work and after 5 days off of being mommy, things are back to normal and I have to admit, if feels... great!

I love the perks of being a teacher.  The time off for the holidays and during the summer to spend with my family is awesome and invaluable.  As I shared in a previous post, I had a great Christmas spent with my family and when I returned back home, I did so without my son, giving me an extra 5 days off in a completely different way.

This past week at home, all by myself, I was completely lazy.  Completely.  Besides taking down the Christmas tree, I did very little.  I didn't catch up on anything.  I didn't work out.  I didn't check things off of my "To Do" list.  I didn't even blog.  I did go out at night a few times (more on that in a later post!), but during the day and on the nights I didn't go out, I lounged.   I am not one who looks forward to "time off" to catch up sleep or tv or just to be lazy and lounge.  When I get "free time" I prefer to go out and do things that I cannot do or that are more difficult to do with my son.  However, it was so darn cold out.  Typically, shopping would sound fun, but not at the end of December, not for me.   I am all shopped out and out of money at this time of year.  So, lazy lounging for me it was.  I tried to make the best of it as it is something that I don't typically get to do.  Don't get me wrong, it was nice and I did enjoy it. 

I hated sleeping alone in my apartment without my son.  It's not like he's the protective man of the house, lol... but he does add comfort, which I missed.  Being the first time alone in my apartment without him, I was a bit... honestly?  Spooked.  I even slept with a light on.  Perhaps I planted the seed myself, but there was one night that I had a frightening dream.  It did involve Dale and it freaked me out.  It was the first time that I had a dream such as that and it was unsettling.  :(

But... my son returned Saturday.  He was so excited to see me, which made my heart burst.  He had lots and lots of hugs and kisses and stories to tell me.  It was wonderful!  We spent all day yesterday playing and catching up and today... it was back to school and work.  Everything is back to normal.

I like normalcy.  I don't like to get into such a routine that everything becomes hum drum and mundane.  However, I have to admit that I do thrive on a certain amount of routine and structure.  It helps me to keep busy and moving.  I don't like to lazily lounge.  I feel that's wasted time and time is too precious to waste in that way.  Besides... how am I supposed to keep up with all that I want to accomplish in this new year if I'm sitting on my bootie?  ;)