Monday, December 29, 2014


The past three years of my life have been like no other.  While this time is not one that I would ever want to experience again or relive, there are aspects of it that I do not want to lose and want to carry with me as I journey along in this thing called life, my life.

Not so long ago, I read a blog posting on a widow's blog (unfortunately cannot remember which one to credit) which was called the "9/11 Effect."  I remember that time immediately following the devastation and tragedy of 9/11.  I remember how there was such a camaraderie, a pride for being an American... people were nicer, kinder, more understanding.  Then as time went on, that began to fade.  This blog posting compared that to the loss of her husband.  At first there were so many people surrounding her and supporting her.  But as time went on, so did life.  And for most everyone, life continued on in a normal manner.  It's the ones who were the closest that are effected the most, the one's whose lives have been forever changed and struggle to find "normal" since what once was will never be again.  In its place, a new normal needs to be accepted and that is such a difficult thing to do.

This past year, my time on this blog has significantly faded.  I've had plenty of thoughts and plenty of things to write about, but the focus of this blog that has served me so well began to fade.  At first I felt uninspired, but sitting here now reflecting back on 2014, that is a very unfair word to describe what was going on in my mind and in my life.  This year has been phenomenal.  Unfortunately, it is for that very positive reason why I have spent so very little time blogging.

I have found and accepted a new normal.  It was actually something that started the very first day of life without Dale and for me was something that took a solid 3.5 years to create.  I have healed and my thoughts and emotions no longer feel raw.  The hurt, sadness, confusion, and guilt have all faded to an extent.  They have faded enough to allow me to begin Life 2.0.  However, while I am happy to be in a place where those sharp feelings have faded, there are other things that have faded with time as well.

There was a reawakening that happened with me when I found myself in a position I never imagined.  I had to start a new life and because of what happened I saw things differently.  In many ways I felt like the small child along side my 20 month old son experiencing and witnessing things for the first time.  I was in AWE over so many things, simple things and found beauty in life.

I had a chance to start over.  I tried new things and rediscovered myself.  I took control over my life and made choices that I wanted to make, not choices that I felt obligated to make.  I found freedom and independence.  I traveled to places that I wanted to visit.  I found purpose and meaning in so many different places... through travels, reading, experiencing, even with friends that I made and people that I needed to let go of.

Now that I am in this new norm, I am in a place of peace.  I am in a place of happiness.  But that AWE has faded and I fear becoming content.  I am no longer a single mom doing it all alone in a city far away from those closest to me.  It is even hard for me to think of myself as a widow now.  I have not forgotten Dale.  I never will.  He has left a hole within me that will never be filled no matter how good life is.  But, I do not nor cannot define myself as a young widowed mother.  I am no longer that person.

So while I find myself in a phase of life where so much is fading... I know that the only way that I can continue on the path of a happy life is to live as I have for the past three years.  Attempting to understand life and finding myself and love were my driving forces.  These three can never be fully accomplished.  I can't check them off the list as they will always be a work in progress.  However, what once was... the present, has faded.  I know that my past will always be behind me, I can feel it like a hand on my shoulder.  But, I am at a point where I need and want more.  What it is though, I am not sure.  I feel as though I am at a significant crossroad right now.  I have options, but which path to choose?  I am not sure.


Sunday, December 7, 2014


Three years... that's how long I have been sharing my life on this blog.  Three years and nearly 350 posts.  I had no idea what would come of this when I started.  These past three years have been quite incredible, not necessarily incredible in a positive light all the time, but incredible nonetheless.

Three years ago, when I wrote my first post, I did so with the hope of helping to find myself.  I had wanted to find my voice and more importantly, to own it.  This blog served as a therapy for me, one that had lasted longer than any other form of therapy that I needed to get me to where I am today.

Where am I today?  Three years later... I am sitting in my new apartment... the one that I just moved into with the man that is my amazing.  Despite all of the emotions and angst that I have been posting more recently that this move was causing and despite all of the boxes and messes that still linger, I feel at peace.  I feel a weight lifted from my chest and I can breathe again because I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  And that is an amazing feeling.

So happy blog-anniversary to me!  It has been quite a journey.