Monday, October 29, 2012


Hurricane Sandy.  I am one of the lucky ones that still has power.  The lights have been flickering and I am prepared, but so far so good.  I feel a bit guilty hoping not to lose power when so many others have lost so much more.  The brunt of this storm really didn't hit the NYC area until after it was already dark, so I am not sure what kind of destruction it caused in my neighborhood.  However, I am not in a flood zone and have been fortunate enough to not have had that much rain either.  It'll be interesting to see what the morning light will bring.

This is not my first brush with a hurricane (or tropical storm).  After living in Virginia for less than a month, Hurricane Isabel struck way back in 2003.  I lost power for 10 days.  Let me tell you, it was awful!  It was September in VA.  It was humid and buggy and just disgusting.  School was closed for that same amount of time, so I couldn't even find refuge at work.  Not fun, not fun at all.

A couple of years later, still in VA, a tropical storm came through.  That was the storm in which I killed my car.  I lived only a few blocks away from the school I worked at, but I drove because it was RAINING!  I got stuck in some deep water and had to abandon my car.  I ran the rest of the way to work and arrived like a wet dog.  The assistant principal and another teacher came back out in the rain with me to push my car to the side of the road.  That was awful, just awful!

Last year, Hurricane Irene came through the NYC area.  I fled!  It was still during my summer vacation so I had no need to be here.  I didn't want to chance it and my son and I drove out to my parents' house and stayed there until the storm passed and everything cleared.

This time, I had no choice.  School is being called on a day by day basis and I can't just up and go.  Fortunately, like I said, I have not been terribly effected.  I know not everyone is as lucky.  I am thanking my lucky stars.  And my thoughts go out to anyone who lost a loved one or their homes and other valued possessions.  Stay safe everyone!

Saturday, October 27, 2012


I feel as though I have so much to say, but nothing seems to be coming out.  Fittingly enough, it's not just my words that are having a hard time surfacing, I have some feelings that I am confused about and don't completely understand either.

In my last posting, I shared with you how I had met a wonderful man.  He is (still) everything that I had written in my last posting and even some more.  When I am with him I feel happy and my mind does not wander.  I don't feel any hesitations, it just feels good and right and I just go with it.  He is the first that I have really welcomed into my life with a genuine excitement.  However, that excitement has not been able to really surface beyond my own self.  I have told my friends about him and I say that I really like him and leave it at that.  I have told my parents that he is a really great guy and have left it at that.  I have not even called my very best friend to share any of the details of what has been going on in the past couple of weeks... and I don't know why.

The way that I feel on the inside does not match the way that I am projecting on the outside.  Of course I've thought (and thought and thought) about this, but I am still unsure of why this is so.

What I am sure of is that this is all about me.  I definitely have some kind of mental block.  What I am unable to determine is if I am in some sort of self preservation/protection mode or if I am just breaking down new barriers in moving on, or maybe a combination of the two.  I was talking to my brother, of all people (lol), about this and he helped make me see that maybe I just have to be comfortable with the fact that life has and is moving on and that in living my life I have found someone who makes me happy.  And that's okay.  That's more than okay.  Maybe he is right.  Once I can truly accept that I have the right to find happiness and to move on living a happy life, then maybe that's when I can share my happiness with others.

Kinks... Everything is still a process.  I can talk and prepare for what may come all I want, but I can't anticipate the feelings that will arise until I am actually experiencing them.  Perhaps if I focus more on what I am actually experiencing and feeling they will help to smooth out those kinks, whatever they may be, all the quicker.  I just want to be more aware of where they stem from so that I am dealing with them in a positive way.  I don't want them to creep up on me and take away any piece of happiness or the wonderful feelings that I am having, they just feel too good.  

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

A Touch of Warmth

A little more than three weeks ago I met a man online and since that time, we have met in person four times and have texted almost daily.  Two weeks ago, after our first date, my impression of him was that he was kind and sweet and my word for him was warm.  I have had two more dates with him since that time and I am sticking to my first impression... warm.

Although I have described him as sweet and kind, I wouldn't say that he is sappy nice.  A nice guy yes, but I have associated the word "nice" when it has come to dating to good guys with no spark.  He is not that.  There is something edgy about him, not bad boy, but something that I can't quite put my finger on.  Maybe its his confidence, not arrogance, but confidence that makes his sweet side that much more pronounced.

I enjoy being with him.  When I am with him, I am with him in the moment and that is such a great place to be.  This is new territory for me... not just seeing someone more than once, but being open to having a physical and emotional connection with another man.  But he has made it easy and I am surprised at how easy it has been.

We have not spoken much about the circumstances surrounding my husband's death, but it's more than just that... I haven't shared who I was prior to that and how I have changed to become who I am today, the person that he is sitting next to.  It's important for me to share who and why I am who I am and what that has caused me to think, believe, and want out of life.  But I haven't, atleast not yet.  However, from his responses and reactions to the little that I have said have caused me to believe that he has thought about this.  Maybe its the polite and respectful thing for any man to do for any woman, but the pace of this relationship I feel is directly in my hands.  He is flirty and I know that he has a strong attraction towards me.  He has made that known, but he has also made it known that he understands that this is difficult for me nonetheless and I feel that I have the control as far as where, when and what happens to move this along.

Tomorrow, he will be coming over to my apartment.  It's difficult to work around busy schedules and plan babysitting on top of that.  He will be going out of town for a long weekend and I'd like to see him again before he leaves.  I may not have many options to work with, but I am not hastily inviting this man into my home.  This is such a personal and intimate event, one that I hadn't even considered to be until tonight.  Inviting one into your home is inviting them into your life.  You get a sense of who that person is without the facade, behind closed doors.  Pictures, momentos, style, domestic skills, wealth... all can be looked at (and maybe assumed) from going into one's home.  I have to admit thought that I am actually excited about it.  I am not nervous or scared because I haven't felt that way with him at any other time.

In the past year and five months, I have counted and have been thankful for my many blessings.  I have always felt that I was being taken care of, whether is was through the people that are in my life or just the convenience of the location of my apartment in relation to work and my son's day care.  No matter the situation, I have felt this entire time, that I had what I needed for any particular moment.  Even when I look back at the three other men that I had gone out with, The Fab Four, they each served a purpose and played their role well (sorry if that sounds insensitive, I don't mean it to).  My point is, is that at this time in my life, I am ready to move on a bit more, a bit further and this man that I have met is the perfect person to do it with.  He is warm, yes, but comfortable and I just like him.  I don't know how I will feel about him in two weeks, two months, or anything beyond that.  I don't know if he is the one, if he is my amazing.  It doesn't even matter though because right now, he is the right one and I am looking forward to taking that next big step for me with him.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Busy, Busy, Busy

I can't believe that it's been over a week since my last posting.  Time certainly flies, especially when you are having fun and having fun is what I have been busy doing lately.  Because I am sure you are so intrigued, here is all the fun that I have been up to this past week (and few days).

Last Sunday and Monday:  My trip to Mystic!!  The weather cooperated as much as it possibly could and my son and I had a wonderful time at the seaport, aquarium, beach, and even the hotel indoor pool (the rain just couldn't hold out completely).  What a wonderful weekend this was!!!

Mystic Seaport
Mystic Pizza... Yum!
A beluga whale at the aquarium... awesome!
My son was able to touch sharks and sting rays again.
Well... not from this tank.
New London, CT
The clouds were mesmerizing...

Tuesday:  Date #3... at a cozy, quaint wine house.  More to come on this one!

Wednesday:  Therapy Wednesday... Have I ever mentioned that?!?

Thursday:  Sitter, but no date... except for the gym, which I needed.  But I was up super late cooking and cleaning for...

Friday:  Wine and Treats night with the ladies!  The theme was Halloween and it was lots of fun.  I didn't have one in September and it was nice to sit and relax and just chit chat with some of the ladies that I work with, friends, that I haven't had the opportunity to do so with as much I would have liked in the past month.  

Saturday:  Date #4!!!

Sunday:  A gorgeous fall day at Central Park with my son!  

So just in case you missed me, this is where I have been.  Keeping busy... it's a good thing.  :)

Saturday, October 6, 2012

So Much to Do

One of the best things about living in New York City is that I can never complain about not having anything to do.  There is so such much from Lincoln Center Performances to a walk in the park, the possibilities are endless.  What else is so great about living in New York is that there is so much to do in just a short driving span outside of the city as well.  Many of these places can be made into a day trip and some are excellent for a long weekend.  Thank you Christopher Columbus for sailing across the ocean blue and for this long weekend.

Right now, I am sitting in a hotel room in Mystic, Connecticut pooped out from enjoying the first of a three day trip with none other than my son.  I had such an awesome day today!  First off, I love fall.  I absolutely love it and today was a perfect fall day for the activities that I had planned.  We drove about 2 hours out of the city to Essex, CT where we took a 2 1/2 hour steam train and river boat ride.  It was awesome.  We sat in an open car located right behind the engine, which was really cool.  The scenery from both the train and boat was quintessential New England in the fall!

After that, we drove about 25 minutes to Oakdale, CT to The Dinosaur Place.  This was so much fun!  You basically walk through some trails in the woods and there are life size dinosaurs scattered throughout.  It was just... cool.  There are also some neat indoor activities to do like excavations and such, but we just stayed outside today and enjoyed the beautiful day.

That beautiful day lasted just until we reached the hotel and then the rain came.  It's supposed to stay and rain all day long tomorrow :( but clear up and be cool but clear on Monday.  Our plans are tainted a bit by the weather, but not ruined.  Tomorrow we are going to the Mystic Aquarium which is supposed to be wonderful and we will of course find and eat Mystic Pizza and think of Julia Roberts.  I'm hoping there will be a bit of a break in the rain so that we can atleast go to a cider mill and get apples and pumpkins.  On Monday, we will have to do a more rushed tour of the Seaport, as we were originally going to do that tomorrow.  But that should be great regardless.

I love finding these smaller scaled things to do, especially with my son.  I feel like these are the types of things that I did with him when we were in California as well and they have brought such a variety of different and interesting experiences for me and my son.  I feel like in planning these trips, I do think first of what I am going to do with my son to keep him happy and occupied, but I am also thinking of myself too.  It has been fun and enough for me to just go to these different places for the experience in viewing someplace new.  It has been equally fun finding activities in these places that will give my son an experience that I think is different and mind opening for my son.

There is so much to do, not just in New York City and its surrounding area.  But everywhere.  You just have to look and use a little imagination.  It is however the time spent together that is the best part.  My son was just wonderful today and we had a blast.  I am very much looking forward to the next couple of days, rain or shine.

The Steam Train
Swans in the Connecticut River
The Dinosaur Place!
A little boys paradise...

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Fab Four

It has been about eight months since I have ventured out into the (online) dating world and what do I have to show for those 8 months... 5 1/2 dates in total with four men.  Hmmm.... Lol.

My very first date was back in April and just the fact that I was going out was a huge step for me.  It only took two months later for my second date and two months after that, in August, my third date.  I didn't even post about that one.  It wasn't a bad date.  None of them were.  I think that I was really lucky with those three as they were all complete gentlemen towards me and I had a really good time with each of them.  I just didn't want to continue on with them because I just wasn't feeling it.  Maybe one date wasn't fair, but I guess that was my loss I was willing to chance.

Well it has been two months since my last date in August and low and behold, I am keeping up with the pattern.  I had a date last night.  I had met him very briefly (hence the 1/2) last weekend for coffee and got a good vibe from him.  The one date wonder actually wanted to see someone a second time, lol.  We had been texting between then and now, but last night was date night.

But let me back up a bit.  I had a really nice time with him when we met for coffee which was literally about a 30 minute encounter.  However, in that short time I felt as if he were someone that I could really see myself with and I was actually excited to have had made plans to meet again.  Later that night I cried.  I realized that I could see myself with him because he had a lot of physical features similar to my husband.   He, as in his personality, didn't strike a reminder button with me, just his looks.

But I liked him.  And I thought that it was time to take the plunge into going out with someone that I actually could see myself with so that I could and would actually want to go out multiple times with the same person.  That became the next scary step.  But I took it last night in leather heeled boots, in the rain, with frizzy hair :( lol.  I had a really great time, it wasn't just nice.

He seems to be very sweet and I just like him.  There was only one moment when I had a reminder of my husband, but it came and went.  Other than that, I was mentally with this man the whole night.  His body language was telling me that he's quite into me, lol.  That made me feel more aware of my own and actually how closed I was, but as the night went on, I felt more comfortable and opened up more too.  The night even ended with a kiss, a few actually.  It had a been quite a while, but I wasn't awkward (I don't think).  It was nice, really nice and I felt completely comfortable with him.  There weren't even any tears shed when I came home.

I can honestly say that right now, I feel very much in the moment.  And in this present time, this man feels very... warm.  I am looking forward to our next date, but that is about as far as I am looking.

The Fab Four... Thanks guys.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Not Super Cool, but AWEsome!

What an awesome experience to watch your child grow.  What else is awesome (and very scary too) is how you can see yourself in your child.  My son just turned three last month and he is at the age where he mimics everything he sees.  It's sweet, it's funny, it's... a whole lotta pressure!  I influence him in ways and he picks up on things that I didn't even realize were obvious or me for that matter.

On Saturday we were at a small quiet playground.  There were two other boys there, one my son's age, the other I'd say was about 5 years old.  What was great was that they were all kinda sorta playing together (which meant I could actually sit) and what was even better was to watch how my son interacts with peers.  OMG... what a little dorky goofball my son is.  At first I couldn't help but to laugh at him.  Then I got a little bit panicked because I began to wonder if he is a bit too odd which would lead to teasing later in life.  Then, I realized that he was actually the leader of the group and in a quiet behind the scenes sorta way, he dictated how the game was being played (beam :).

But this is what I saw... the older boy was pretending to be some kind of monster.  My son would look at him and scream (like a girl... okay, like the way I scream when I play with him) and he'd run away (also like a girl... okay, like me, but I never knew I ran like a girl and I was pretty athletic back in the day).  The other boy just egged the older one on to "scare" my son (all in good nature).  My son was the one who talked the whole time.  Nonstop.  He even changed his voice to a low manly one (I do this with him to either distract him from a tantrum or to get him to continue walking vs. being carried) which I think frightened the other little boys.  It was definitely funny, but okay a little weird too.  Wherever my son ran, the others followed.  My son was definitely the life of that party.  It was just a real neat thing to watch.  And I learned so much about my son and about me as a parent and the awesome responsibility that I have in raising him.

I have been having a bit of an issue at my son's daycare.  I guess technically I should call it preschool since his days now are more curriculum based.  The main issue is that his teacher has been working on hand grip with the class.  She talks to me everyday about what they did that day and how my son is doing (which is great).  But, then that also means that everyday I am told to practice at home with him and that he hasn't improved in the few weeks of doing this.

As a teacher, I respect his teacher.  Now, I am on the other side and its very different.  However, there are some similarities too.  As a teacher I always appreciated students' differences in abilities and talents and although I held them to high standards, I did my best to not let my teaching be confined by the state tests.  So, as a parent I see what my child is capable of doing... loves books and comprehends them, very logistical, very much left brained.  He's very intelligent and I am not worried about his abilities to be successful in school.  He does however gets frustrated easily and depending on the task will give up on his own.  He also isn't completely potty trained yet.  So, knowing him and what I know as an early educator, development is crucial.  It's okay for him to not hold a marker/crayon the right way right now.  I do show him how to hold it correctly.  But he switches to a more comfortable grip which allows what he produces to be better.  He's just not ready yet.  But also too, I have to admit, I don't want to do "homework" with him right now.  I know what school is like and how demanding even kindergarten is.  My son doesn't color or draw everyday, it's just not his thing and I am not going to force into it.  I want him to be a creative little kid for as long as he can be!

So I feel a bit of pull from both sides.  I understand the academic part.  But my instincts as a parent are stronger.  Right now, I am more focused on making sure that my son is developing the critical necessities for becoming a confident little man.  I want him to learn how to be kind and respectful to other people and to the environment.  I want him to develop strong social skills.  I want him to be able to communicate his thoughts in a positive way.  I want to foster his interests and talents.  And I want to expose him to as much as I possibly can and give him as many different experiences as I can.  That is what is important to me and I think that is what would have been important to my husband as well.

I did succumb to some guilt (sorry 4 Agreements) and bought some colorful workbooks and special toddler scissors.  Today was the first day and my son loved them!  I showed him how to hold the marker and he tried.  But, it looked uncomfortable and I showed him an in between grip which seemed to work.  It'll come... but when the time is right (just like everything else in life).

I'm learning too as I do this, so I guess my son is raising me too in a way.  What an important and equally awesome job we have.