Wednesday, May 16, 2018

6 years

**Note:  I found this as a draft as I came here to post for the 7 year anniversary.  I don't think that I have visited this blog since last year, on the same day, at the same time.  Even though I didn't complete my thoughts, I decided to post it anyways.

May 16, 2017
For better or for worse, the lives that we are currently living can forever be changed in an instant.  The life that I once knew and cherished began to crack long before it's destruction.  It became weak and vulnerable.  However, it didn't shatter until I got that phone call 6 years ago today.  The words "he's gone" is all that needed to be said to let the bottom out.

Six years is a long time.  It's the majority of my 7 year old's life.  It's enough time to be immersed in living a new one.  And that is where I am today...

I still think of him, of Dale, every day.  But I don't let my thoughts linger or wander.  I have exhausted all routes to further my understanding of all that had happened.  There is nothing more to think about, it just is. 

I still do dream of him.  Sometimes I am conflicted in my dreams because both he and John are in the picture and Dale is never the person that I am meant to be with.  Sometimes my dreams are so pleasant that I wake with a heartache because he's no longer in the conscious world.

I have found that while I do think of him less, I think of him more softly which causes me to miss him more now than before.  We spent so much time together and so much time alone, that there will always be that "black hole" of memories that only come and pass through me, but never are able to be revived again.  That saddens me and makes me feel that Dale's death took a extra piece of me with him.  

I have been hardened.  I am not as empathetic as you may assume someone in my situation might be.  My vision of what is truly sympathetic has been reserved for just that... truly sympathetic.  I do not get caught up in trivial details nor in details in which people have control over, but do nothing about them.  Sometimes this makes me feel that I am a bitch.  Sometimes I am grateful that I appreciate that I haven't lost appreciation for the little things because I still don't get caught up in the big.  

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