Hello Old Friend

It is weird to be back here.  When I left in January, I stayed away for quite some time.  Months.  Then every so often, I would check in and read some old posts.  It usually began with the curiosity of what was going on in my life at a certain time and a desire to reminisce.  Ironically, I found this blog to be much like the appreciation for a dead artist... more popular now then when I was actually writing, lol.
But I have been thinking about a revisit for a while now and today just happens to be the day I have actually clicked onto "New Post" and am actually typing.

I am getting married.  Married.  Yes, I am getting married.  In less than a year, I will be getting married... again.

When I left in January, I was only a couple of months moved in with John.  In the past 10 months very little, yet so much has changed evolved.  Perhaps blossomed would have been a better choice of word to use since I feel like I have rooted myself during this process as well.

I am getting married.  It became official just this past week, that on October 8, 2016... I will say "I do" to John, the man that I had referred to on this blog as my amazing so many times before I had ever even known his name or his face.  

A Moment's Glory

For the past three years, "Glimmering through Aspen" has been my heart and soul.  It has been my comfort and even a companion.  However, I cannot deny that the focus and purpose of this blog has faded.  Life is not stagnant and it has moved forward bringing inevitable change.  The best that we can do is to keep up and to live a happy life is to adapt to that change and to evolve.  I've faded from this blog over the past year because I've been evolving.  And that is a good thing, a very good thing.  :)

When I finally came to accept that where I am job-wise is exactly where I need to be at this moment, that opened up many doors for possibilities as I mentioned in my last post.  And when I took a step back and a deep breath, I realized that what I want to focus on at this point in my life is writing and photography.  If you have followed me at all, neither one of those may not come as a shocker.  To me, writing was something that I have always toyed around with.  In my early twenties I wrote children's books (unpublished).  I used many of those stories in my classroom and during that same time I really started to develop my curriculum writing, again unpublished, but for my own use. Writing turned to therapy after Dale died and thus this blog was created.  Writing is something that I am not ready to let go of...

I have been thinking about writing a book.  A memoir perhaps.  A realistic fiction perhaps.  I am not sure.  I have yet to type a single word but my mind and this blog are both full of them.  The idea at first frightened me.  The truth is scary and is painful.  But as time passed, I found it easier to share more deeper and darker details here and I also found myself sharing my experience with other widow's on their blogs.  I am also unsure of the purpose for this book.  If I were to ever share it with a publisher or with anyone for that matter, what is my reason?  My best friend said my story is one about hope.  She also added in that it is about the love and sacrifice that Dale had made for myself and my son, which she believes to be true. I like that story, but I do fear the other angles that could possibly be taken as well.  However, at some point soon, I am going to type my first word.  I am going to throw it all out there and if it stays in my computer only, so be it.  It wouldn't be the first time that I have written something for anyone other than myself.  But, it's an idea.  Terrifying and enticing at the same time.

Photography... This is an aftermath from Dale's death.  It began with my solo trip to Las Vegas in 2012.  Since then I actually bought a $4000 piece of work (thank God it was damaged and I was refunded!!) and even planned an entire vacation around a tree that I wanted to see (the one in the damaged artwork).  I've been finding such joy in taking pictures... of nature.  I love landscape and architecture and in the past (almost) three years since my trip to Vegas have collected some beautiful shots.  I just got a brand new camera (from John, which makes him all the more amazing as he paid attention and bought me something that he knew I really wanted without my ever disclosing to him my new found passion).  I am excited to take some classes (cameras are really complicated these days!) and even more so excited to capture the beauty that surrounds me on a daily basis and to go on more inspiring vacations as well.

"A Moment's Glory... Capturing Life Before the Moment Passes"...  This is my new blog.  I just created it yesterday and I am going completely out of my comfort zone by sharing my lens and my thoughts using my true identity.  So just in case if you were ever wondering if I was real... check me out!  But you won't find me on Blogger.  I also decided to expand my knowledge and use something new, Wordpress.

I am not completely sure of what will become of this.  What I do know is that I do not want to stop writing.  I also know that I need to move on from this blog as well.  I know too that I need a purpose in the things that I do. It was not okay for me to just take pictures to add to my thousands of other digital images that sit in my computer.  So, my idea for now is to post once a week.  I will use either a photo as inspiration and compliment it with words or vice versa.  My focus will be on enjoying life.  I am in a happy place now and I want to celebrate it and hopefully encourage others to share their happinesses as well.

(I haven't posted yet, but you can now find me at https://amomentsglory.wordpress.com/).

I reserve the right to come back to this blog and post at any given time, lol... But, thank you to anyone and everyone who has visited "Glimmering Through Aspen" over the past 3 years.  <3

Options and Decisions

For some time now I have had the nagging feeling that there is something more out there for me to be doing.  What I have been struggling with is determining what in fact that is.

I thought perhaps that I was in need of a change in my job.  This is now my 14th year teaching (WOW!) and prior to moving to NYC I had taught in three different school for two years each.  Although each a challenge in its own way, I loved those schools and was happy in each of them.  It was other factors in my life that made me move so often.  Here in NYC for the past 7+ years, it has been the opposite.  I never ever thought that I would still be at the same school that I started in because I have never been truly happy there.  It was never my intention to stay there.  After my first year, I applied elsewhere.  I decided to stay however because I was given the opportunity to obtain my permanent teaching license if I completed a master's program within a year.  So, I took that option and challenge.  Staying where I was made the most sense and made a very busy year just a bit easier, so I stayed put.

Completing my master's would give me some more opportunities to expand my marketability as well as alleviate the pressure of knowing that at some point I had to complete it anyways.  However, I finished my master's literally weeks before my son was born.  My son was born in September, not the most ideal time for a teacher to start at a new school, so again I stayed at my school.  However, my master's did grant me the opportunity to take the newly opened technology teacher position at my school that year.  The change was a welcome and a blessing in many ways.  

Only twenty months after my son was born, Dale died.  And for the past three years, I have tried to keep the changes in our lives to a minimum.  My job was a constant... it was a part of my life that I did not have to start all over again, and for that, I was thankful.  Again, I stayed.  

In the past three years, although I was not ready to make a change job-wise, I did look for other avenues.  I looked for part-time jobs and  I looked for freelance curriculum writing jobs.  It wasn't about the money, it was about a new change and a new challenge to spark that side of me.  However, I never found a fit.  

This past summer I actually decided to apply for a different position within my school district.  It was something completely different from teaching.  It was a peer observing position.  During the application process what I realized was that everything that I felt made me a good candidate came from things that I accomplished in my first six years of teaching, prior to coming to NYC.  Needless to say I did not even get called for an interview and what I was left with was a low feeling of what I already knew and what I feel so strongly in that I need a change.  

What I know right now is that I still enjoy teaching.  I work hard, enjoy the students, and am effective at what I do in the classroom.  I know that right now is still not the time to make a change, again.  So I have tried to challenge myself by trying new methods and projects with my students.  That along with a few other tactics have made me content in my classroom for the time being and that allowed me to come to a different conclusion...

What I want to change doesn't necessarily stem from the career side of me.  However, I know that it doesn't categorize with me in my role as mom, partner, or friend.  It is also more than just a hobby as well.  I have a difficult time doing things that do not serve a purpose.  (Perhaps that's the introvert part of me.)  So, why did I go into such lengths and details about my job if this is not about a job or career change?  

It's about what's looking right at me and making decisions based on the choices that I have made which have led me to where I am and the options that lay before me.  My life is set up in a wonderful way and my job plays such a critical role in that.  I live and work so closely to one another.  And even thought I am antsy and feel the need for a change, what I was overlooking for so long was the opportunity that I was given with time.  Being a mother and being in a new relationship is time consuming.  That time is precious and it is time that I am not willing to give up.  However, I do have time because of  the comfort that I have in my job.  Time that I can use to fill up that need to do more.

I left my last post sharing my feelings of being at a crossroad.  This is where and why I feel that way.  For months now I have felt this way and even though I am not certain where the path will take me.  I feel as though I have an inspiration to get me started.  

Fading

The past three years of my life have been like no other.  While this time is not one that I would ever want to experience again or relive, there are aspects of it that I do not want to lose and want to carry with me as I journey along in this thing called life, my life.

Not so long ago, I read a blog posting on a widow's blog (unfortunately cannot remember which one to credit) which was called the "9/11 Effect."  I remember that time immediately following the devastation and tragedy of 9/11.  I remember how there was such a camaraderie, a pride for being an American... people were nicer, kinder, more understanding.  Then as time went on, that began to fade.  This blog posting compared that to the loss of her husband.  At first there were so many people surrounding her and supporting her.  But as time went on, so did life.  And for most everyone, life continued on in a normal manner.  It's the ones who were the closest that are effected the most, the one's whose lives have been forever changed and struggle to find "normal" since what once was will never be again.  In its place, a new normal needs to be accepted and that is such a difficult thing to do.

This past year, my time on this blog has significantly faded.  I've had plenty of thoughts and plenty of things to write about, but the focus of this blog that has served me so well began to fade.  At first I felt uninspired, but sitting here now reflecting back on 2014, that is a very unfair word to describe what was going on in my mind and in my life.  This year has been phenomenal.  Unfortunately, it is for that very positive reason why I have spent so very little time blogging.

I have found and accepted a new normal.  It was actually something that started the very first day of life without Dale and for me was something that took a solid 3.5 years to create.  I have healed and my thoughts and emotions no longer feel raw.  The hurt, sadness, confusion, and guilt have all faded to an extent.  They have faded enough to allow me to begin Life 2.0.  However, while I am happy to be in a place where those sharp feelings have faded, there are other things that have faded with time as well.

There was a reawakening that happened with me when I found myself in a position I never imagined.  I had to start a new life and because of what happened I saw things differently.  In many ways I felt like the small child along side my 20 month old son experiencing and witnessing things for the first time.  I was in AWE over so many things, simple things and found beauty in life.

I had a chance to start over.  I tried new things and rediscovered myself.  I took control over my life and made choices that I wanted to make, not choices that I felt obligated to make.  I found freedom and independence.  I traveled to places that I wanted to visit.  I found purpose and meaning in so many different places... through travels, reading, experiencing, even with friends that I made and people that I needed to let go of.

Now that I am in this new norm, I am in a place of peace.  I am in a place of happiness.  But that AWE has faded and I fear becoming content.  I am no longer a single mom doing it all alone in a city far away from those closest to me.  It is even hard for me to think of myself as a widow now.  I have not forgotten Dale.  I never will.  He has left a hole within me that will never be filled no matter how good life is.  But, I do not nor cannot define myself as a young widowed mother.  I am no longer that person.

So while I find myself in a phase of life where so much is fading... I know that the only way that I can continue on the path of a happy life is to live as I have for the past three years.  Attempting to understand life and finding myself and love were my driving forces.  These three can never be fully accomplished.  I can't check them off the list as they will always be a work in progress.  However, what once was... the present, has faded.  I know that my past will always be behind me, I can feel it like a hand on my shoulder.  But, I am at a point where I need and want more.  What it is though, I am not sure.  I feel as though I am at a significant crossroad right now.  I have options, but which path to choose?  I am not sure.

  

Blogaversary

Three years... that's how long I have been sharing my life on this blog.  Three years and nearly 350 posts.  I had no idea what would come of this when I started.  These past three years have been quite incredible, not necessarily incredible in a positive light all the time, but incredible nonetheless.

Three years ago, when I wrote my first post, I did so with the hope of helping to find myself.  I had wanted to find my voice and more importantly, to own it.  This blog served as a therapy for me, one that had lasted longer than any other form of therapy that I needed to get me to where I am today.

Where am I today?  Three years later... I am sitting in my new apartment... the one that I just moved into with the man that is my amazing.  Despite all of the emotions and angst that I have been posting more recently that this move was causing and despite all of the boxes and messes that still linger, I feel at peace.  I feel a weight lifted from my chest and I can breathe again because I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  And that is an amazing feeling.

So happy blog-anniversary to me!  It has been quite a journey.

Where Do I Belong?

Recently I have been more active in reading other widow's blogs.  Active in a sense that I check in and read a couple times a weeks and will even go back to posts that I have missed during the course of that week.  Even more than that, I have even commented several times.  Since becoming a widow myself, I have browsed blogs in the past few years, but not like this.  Never consistently.  And I never commented.  I just knew they were out there and knew that if I ever felt like I needed to feel that connection with other widows, they were out there.

I began frequenting these blogs more often in the past couple of months.  I think what I was really looking for was someone who had moved on.  I was looking for someone to describe what it was like to find another love and to create a new life with him.  I wanted to hear about the promise and hope of a wonderful present and future, but also the struggles that it entailed in truly moving on.  I can't say that I really found that blog.  What I did find is "Widow's Voice:  Seven Widowed Voices Sharing Love, Loss, and Hope."  What I like about this blog is that there are 7 different writers.  They all are all widows and all have their own stories and unique journeys.  There is even a widow who lost her husband to suicide.  I often seek out her posts because we share that commonality (unfortunately) and there is a comfort in that.  However, because of the variety of stories and widows, I have to say that I have felt some connection with each of them.  And it's nice.  Being a widow is an experience like no other, and being in my 30's, even a rarer commonality to find with anyone my age.

I was very proud of myself for commenting, not only because I was opening up my thoughts and feelings at the moment on that topic, but I also opened up my blog.  I made comments signed into my own blog account which opened the door to anyone who happened to click onto my name.  After all of this time, my blog is still a rather hidden blog.  I do not advertise it to anyone, even friends.  It has always been just for me, and for anyone who happened to stumble across it.  But back to the point I wanted to make, it was when I began commenting that I actually began to feel a disconnect with these widows.

It is not just this blog alone, but I have not come across any blogs in which there was trouble in the relationship.  I remember reading another post from another blog in which this widow attended a widow camp.  Even in her post she commented on the many different people she met and the many different stories that they all had.  The one thing that they all had in common was that they lost their husbands and the wonderful life and marriage that they had with him.  She said there were but very few people that she met there that didn't.

I think that is part of what has opened me up more and more about the tumultuous aspects of my relationship with Dale.  I felt as if I were not being genuine in not sharing my whole truth.  To me.  That is part of my story too.  That is my truth.  It has taken me this long to finally feel comfortable enough to reveal this part.  I don't think it was ever about protecting myself.  It was about protecting him.  The truth is ugly and I never wanted to paint him that way.  I think after 3 years of blogging and nearly 400 posts, I did a good job in not doing that.  I was trying to stay focused on the positives.  I needed to.  And I wasn't ready until now to reveal any more.  I needed too.  This move, this new life that is now just days away... it has stirred things up for me emotionally.

I have grown so much since I first began this blog.  And while the posts that I have written in the past month are darkest that I have shared, it is not because I am in a bad place.  I am in such a good place that I know that I am strong enough, brave enough, and confident enough to confront them.  I need to release these thoughts that have resurfaced so that I can let them go.  It is when they get stuck and swim in your head that they become most dangerous.

So where do I belong?  Everywhere and nowhere...

I remember the summer of 2010.  My sister had just gone through a divorce.  I remember sitting in this very apartment looking at my son and my husband and wondering how I could ever start again.  I wondered how I could ever love someone like I loved Dale.  He was the first and only man that I had ever loved and the thought was incomprehensible to me.  It was not that at this point only months, literally months before he took his own life, our marriage was absolutely wonderful.  It wasn't.  It was unhealthy then.  Call it denial, call it ignorance... I'll call it consciously unaware of our reality.  However, what was real to me at that time was my love for him.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  So I do belong with those widows who grieve the loss of their loved one.

I also belong with those silent widows.  The ones who know true fear and horror.  The ones who have seen a different kind of hell.  The ones who can't help but to be thankful for their lives.  That is me too.

It is excruciatingly exhausting to be on both ends of the spectrum.  Like I posted yesterday, I have come to terms with my reality and 95% of the time,  I am in check.  I am balanced.  But when I lean more to one side, it doesn't matter which one, they both have negative consequences of guilt and self doubt.

Where do I belong?  Exactly where I am.

The Theory of... My Feelings

Last week I was at the height of my emotional roller coaster when I watched this trailer.  So when I unsurprisingly found myself crying within 30 seconds, I thought it was because of the beauty of this story.  It's sad and tragic, yet so hopeful and inspiring.  It's a love story.  A beautiful love story with all the glory and all the battles that life can throw at us.  That is something that I felt I could identify with and this short glance at this movie pulled at my heartstrings.  

It wasn't until and hour or so later that night when I began to question why I felt so affected by this movie.  And it was a hard truth.  

I do not know this story.  I never read the book.  I did not see the whole movie.  But what I took from this less than three minute preview is that this young couple had so much promise to have a wonderful life together and he a brilliant future career wise.  Then he was diagnosed with a horrible illness in ALS.  The awe and the inspiration that this short clip released was that despite the devastation and the struggle, they were still able to have that wonderful life and brilliant career... just in a different way.    

In another clip I had found, it focused more on his wife Jane and her strength.  She chose to stay with this man before she even knew what exactly it all would entail.  And she stood by him, until the very end.  Why I was so affected was because watching this drew out my feelings of guilt.  The insecurities and the questions that still exist on my role in what happened in my own life, in my marriage.  I questioned myself and my strength as Dale's wife.  And it was just another painful stab in what has already been a painful process in these past few weeks.  

It wasn't until the next day that I began to process all of my thoughts around what this movie conjured within me.  The thing is, is that I cannot compare my story to this one.  It is not the same and it is unfair to Dale and to myself for having done so.  Dale suffered and struggled with his mental illness for 25 years.   It was a tough and exhausting fight, but we had our moments of pure joy and happiness too.  He did not use all of the resources available to him, but he fought nonetheless and I stood by him for nearly 14 of those years. I never chose to walk away, it was a necessity that I was removed from the picture for the time being.  

I think that is where I get hung up.  There is a gap of 17 days from the last time I saw him to the day that he died.  Within that first week, the only form of communication was severed because even a phone call aroused the demons within him so much so that his mother thought it best that we don't talk for the time being.  It was a safety issue for my son and I just as much as it was for him.  But I was helpless.  There was nothing more that I could do, just hope. 

I think it is just that I still haven't fully comprehended and accepted what led us to that point.  It is hard to admit that.  To others.  To myself.  And one day, to my son.  He will have questions.  He will want answers.  Someday, he will deserve to know the truth.  

Ninety five percent of the time, I internally know and accept the truth.  I know that the decisions that I had made were done so with respect and with love.  I know that I gave everything that I had to my marriage.  And I have no regrets and no guilt.  But there are times, like when I saw this clip that the 5% comes out and I can't help but to wonder why things didn't take a different direction for us.  

It is not as if this story has the happiest of endings.  Perhaps its just because she was able to stand by him until the very end.