Last week I was at the height of my emotional roller coaster when I watched this trailer. So when I unsurprisingly found myself crying within 30 seconds, I thought it was because of the beauty of this story. It's sad and tragic, yet so hopeful and inspiring. It's a love story. A beautiful love story with all the glory and all the battles that life can throw at us. That is something that I felt I could identify with and this short glance at this movie pulled at my heartstrings.
It wasn't until and hour or so later that night when I began to question why I felt so affected by this movie. And it was a hard truth.
I do not know this story. I never read the book. I did not see the whole movie. But what I took from this less than three minute preview is that this young couple had so much promise to have a wonderful life together and he a brilliant future career wise. Then he was diagnosed with a horrible illness in ALS. The awe and the inspiration that this short clip released was that despite the devastation and the struggle, they were still able to have that wonderful life and brilliant career... just in a different way.
In another clip I had found, it focused more on his wife Jane and her strength. She chose to stay with this man before she even knew what exactly it all would entail. And she stood by him, until the very end. Why I was so affected was because watching this drew out my feelings of guilt. The insecurities and the questions that still exist on my role in what happened in my own life, in my marriage. I questioned myself and my strength as Dale's wife. And it was just another painful stab in what has already been a painful process in these past few weeks.
It wasn't until the next day that I began to process all of my thoughts around what this movie conjured within me. The thing is, is that I cannot compare my story to this one. It is not the same and it is unfair to Dale and to myself for having done so. Dale suffered and struggled with his mental illness for 25 years. It was a tough and exhausting fight, but we had our moments of pure joy and happiness too. He did not use all of the resources available to him, but he fought nonetheless and I stood by him for nearly 14 of those years. I never chose to walk away, it was a necessity that I was removed from the picture for the time being.
I think that is where I get hung up. There is a gap of 17 days from the last time I saw him to the day that he died. Within that first week, the only form of communication was severed because even a phone call aroused the demons within him so much so that his mother thought it best that we don't talk for the time being. It was a safety issue for my son and I just as much as it was for him. But I was helpless. There was nothing more that I could do, just hope.
I think it is just that I still haven't fully comprehended and accepted what led us to that point. It is hard to admit that. To others. To myself. And one day, to my son. He will have questions. He will want answers. Someday, he will deserve to know the truth.
Ninety five percent of the time, I internally know and accept the truth. I know that the decisions that I had made were done so with respect and with love. I know that I gave everything that I had to my marriage. And I have no regrets and no guilt. But there are times, like when I saw this clip that the 5% comes out and I can't help but to wonder why things didn't take a different direction for us.
It is not as if this story has the happiest of endings. Perhaps its just because she was able to stand by him until the very end.
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