At Peace

I have had two dreams in the past few weeks where Dale had appeared.  While I remember just bits and pieces between the two, the general feeling that I was left after waking from them was the same.

In the first, Dale had come back.  Although I have always been aware in my dreams that he is dead, his appearance has always been explained through him coming back to life or even that his death was a big hoax.  In this dream, I wasn't aware of where he came back from, only that he was there.

The magnitude of the pull and the desire to be with him, to be near him, was so strong.  It reminded me of how I felt about him in life.  If I could choose one word to describe how I felt about him, it would be adore.  I absolutely adored him.  So you can imagine my elation to be with him once again.

What I was aware of in this dream, was that there was another man in my life, John.  He didn't make an appearance, but I was fully aware of his presence and importance in my life.  I knew that he, not Dale, was the one that I belonged with.  He was the one that was right for me at the point in my life.

What I felt for Dale was a connection, not on a romantic level and far beyond a friendship level.  I don't know quite how to explain it, but to compare it to a love that you feel towards your child. It was genuine and pure.  Unconditional.  A bond that could not be broken, even with having another man in my life.  My second dream, which I remember even less details from, only reaffirmed this.

I can't help but to let my mind wander from time to time to think about what life would be like if Dale were still here.  I wonder what life would have been like if he stayed, but our marriage didn't last.  How would we have acted and felt about one another?  How hard would that have been to sever those ties?  I can't help but to think that perhaps the timeline might have been the same.  I'd like to think that in the end, we would have been able to remain friends, even if our marriage had come to an end (as it was heading that way).

Back to reality, I'd like to think that we are both at peace now.  While his mind destroyed his life, mine has worked it's way to a place where I couldn't ask for more.  A place where confusion, denial, fear, and anger have left and have been replaced with an indescribable warmth of peace and happiness to see him once again, even if only in my dreams.

I do hope that Heaven is real.