A Midlife Crisis

About 6 months ago, I woke up from an afternoon nap/dream in a sudden panic.  I never could remember the details of my dream, but the aftermath of this particular dream has haunted me ever since.  When I woke in that sudden state of angst it was because I had been hit with the realization that I will not be here forever.  I have an expiration tag.

Now, this knowledge is not something that is new to me.  I am very well aware that none of us are making it out of here alive.  But whatever occurred to me during and because of this dream, made me acutely aware of this mortal fact.  And it has effected me in such a way that I have since felt anxious, fear, and sadness.  Not constantly, but it's there.  I definitely feel it's presence.

It's weird, but Dale's death made me fear death less than at any other point in my life. Perhaps it is because Dale's death in someways defined death to me as a silence.  Dale was silent.  His memory lives on with us, but he was silenced from making any new memories and with sharing anything with us any more.  As horrible as that is, I also told myself that Dale was at peace. That helped to soften the blow.  Hell, I told myself anything and everything at that point to soften the blow, including the fact that everyone dies.  However, when I told myself that just 4 years ago, it was a comfort to my situation.  Now, it's the core for my midlife crisis.

There have been quite a few deaths in or close to my family in the past few years.  Obviously, Dale, my uncle and my grandmother hit closest to home.  However, I have seen a handful of my father's friends pass away in the past few years as well.  My father is 66 years old.  At one point, he had a lot of friends.  Now, there is just one left (besides himself) from his core group of friends that he grew up with and knew his entire life.  John's father is also 66 years old and lost two of his best friends in this past year and is coming to the same situation as my father.  Selfishly, I am happy that my father is still among the living.  But I can't help but to wonder what that does to a person.  Life is a game of chance, a Russian roulette.  And if you are lucky enough to escape sickness, an accident, or any other life ending event... at one point, you will find yourself left behind by so many that were once so near and dear to your heart.

My grandmother will be turning 90 in March.  One of my earliest posts was dedicated to her, "Inspiration."  Time when you are older, is much like time with a baby.  So much can happen is such a short amount of time.  It has been almost 4 years since I wrote "Inspiration" and since that time, my grandmother is near completely blind.  Her hearing is going as well.  Along with losing sight and sound, she has also lost her spunk.  She is still capable of living alone, but it's not so much that she is living alone (she has for over 35 years), but she feels alone.  Her inability to see and to hear well has closed her off to the world.  This summer, while she was at my son's family birthday party, I saw her break down in tears out of frustration because her body is not letting what her mind is still capable of doing.  Mentally, she is still all there.  She is amazing.  But her physical limitations are taking a toll on her mentality.  It was heartbreaking to watch this.  And it only fueled the flames of my own mortality issues that had only recently surfaced.

I have never been a numbers person as far as the number on the scale.  But I have always been a numbers person as far as age.  Two weeks ago, I turned 37.  (I know 37 is still young in the grand scheme of things, but I remember when my father was 37.)  As far as 37 goes, and looks, I am holding my own, quite well.  However, I can't help but to compare myself... to myself.  And I have noticed some changes that I feel really started about two years ago and that I have been in complete denial about.  The first one being my weight.  I've noticed a change in my body and how food effects me about two years ago.  I haven't done much about it, being in a state of denial, but I have gained about 8 pounds in the past 2 years.  That may not sound like much, but I have been a consistent weight my entire life.  And I am attributing the change in metabolism to aging.  While I don't feel like I have lots of wrinkles on my face, I am starting to see how I am going to age.  Do you know Droopy?  The Looney Tunes Dog?  I've always had "chubby" cheeks and I am quite positive they are going to droop.  I can see the very beginning stage of it, and my mother has it too.
I've also been obsessed with my teeth!  (Sounds like I'm a hot ass mess, doesn't it?)  I hate the dentist. Every time I go, I have a new cavity.  I'm at the point where I don't even think that's even possible.  But each time they find a new tooth with a new cavity.  Fortunately, I still have all of my teeth.  But I fear losing them.  I really do.  I have cut down on sugar.  I brush.  I floss. I use ACT.  But it's still the same every time I go.  It's going to be a very sad day for me with I lose my first tooth.  Unlike my six year old, I know there isn't one waiting to replace it.  Again, aging!

You know the saying, "Don't regret growing old, it's a privilege denied to many."?
There is a beauty in that saying.  It is very true.  I do hope that I am one of the lucky ones who gets to grow old.  However, I cannot deny what I am feeling at this moment.  This fear that I have stems moreso from aging than actual death itself.  So just this past weekend, I have declared myself in a state of mid-life crisis, at the age of 37, which if you ask Google, isn't so uncommon.  What may be odd is that I feel like I am going through a man's mid-life crisis (almost to a tee! ) as opposed to a woman's mid-life crisis (almost none of those!)

All I know is that whatever this is, it isn't stopping me from living my life.  Some of the fear and anxiety has crept in and has taken away some joy, I must admit.  But... I'm just hoping that  this only happens once in a lifetime.  I am paying my dues now.  I can't help but to wonder if this is hitting me at an earlier stage because I have been somewhat aged by my experiences.  

Good news for me... I think I am in the depression state.  Only 2 more to go!

Is anyone else going through something similar to this?  Please share.  Just reading that people in their 30's can go through something like this has made a huge difference... it's not just me!

Midlife Crisis Images taken from http://thedailypositive.com/30-year-olds-handle-mid-life-crisis/

Nothing Sweet about this Bitter

In December, I shared a post about what I referred to as my "midlife crisis."  I self diagnosed myself after doing a Google search and I even found this handy visual to show the process or steps of a midlife crisis.

In December, I was feeling down... I was in the depressed stage.  I got tired of it, and decided to take some action to help alleviate some of that anxiety.  I have visited this blog more.  I revived the blog that I left this one for, which focuses on  living a happy and healthy life (and have been posting almost daily for nearly two months now).  I have worked out 30 out of the last 35 days and my mood had started to lift.

As all of this was going on, I started to notice bits of anger come in and out from time to time, and they were directed at Dale.  I can honestly say, that throughout everything, I never became angry.  I never felt real anger towards him.  I never hated or blamed God.  I never hated or blamed society or the stigma on mental health or on the treatment that he finally began to take part in during his last few months.  I did feel some anger towards this family.  But never Dale.  I was deeply sad for him.

Not all of my memories with Dale are happy ones.  One of the things that I had have to deal with as I think back on my life with him, is that so many of my memories are tainted with his mood swings, sharp words, and the realization that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was during those moments.  But I took ownership for the choices that I made and that empowered me rather than making me feel like a victim.  And I had no regrets.  I made, what I believed to be, the best choice at any of those given times.

So now as I am going through this "midlife crisis" I can't help but to think back on my younger years of my twenties and even into my earlier thirties and the truth of the matter is that those years were very heavy and stressful.  Dale put his health and happiness into my hands.  Not his, mine.  And I was blamed when he fell into a bad cycle.  Repeatedly, over the course of our 13+ years together.  He was exhausting.  I had very few friends.  I was isolated from my family.  Life revolved around him and his illness.  I believe that there is a big part of him that wanted it that way, and I let it happen.  And after all of this time, I can see the truth and the reality of our relationship and I am angry at him for not doing anything to help himself deal with his issues other than to dump and blame it on me.  Those actions took pieces away of my life and I have so many empty, black hole, memories as it is.

Part of me is happy to have some of this anger inside and to be able to surface it and release it.  At the same time, I feel that this anger places blame on Dale and that takes away my ownership of it.  That makes me like I had less control over my life, that I let things happen, and that is leading to the beginning of feeling some amount of regret and bitterness.  Which I don't want to feel.

These emotions are not shocking to me.  They have a right to be there.  I do hope that they will come and pass.  I do not want to get stuck in any of them and I do not want to live with anger or resentment towards Dale.

Catching Up

What better way to catch up on an absent year than to reflect on the past year.  Overall, 2015 was a great year and it leaves so much to look forward to in 2016!  Ironically, that even though I declared myself in a state of a midlife crisis in my last post, I wasn't overly emotional about New Year's yesterday as I typically am.  Instead of looking back too much into the past and too far into the unknown future, I was just happy and thankful for this past year and excited and hopeful about the plans that I do have in this new year.  But just in case you missed me over the passed year, this is what I have been up too...

After saying goodbye to this blog in January, I immediately began a new blog, "A Moment's Glory."  I thought that it would be an outlet and representation of where I was at the time.  I took a photography course in January and February and was excited about showcasing my love for photography and my writing in a combined effort.  However, neither the blog nor the photography lasted long.  I loved the course.  I learned how to use my new camera and how to take some great shots!  I realized that like my personal/family photos, I just started a collection that had the potential to become a giant mass to put onto my to-do list.  I hate editing photos and for whatever reason, I hate deleting them as well.  I found it hard to write and my blog never took off.  I can't say that I was extremely disappointed about it because I ended that blog to start a new one.  Whaaaat?!?  That's right, you read it correctly.  I stopped writing in "A Moment's Glory" at the end of April because I had started a new blog, lol.  But, before getting to that I have a few more events to update on that occurred in-between.

In February, John, Ewan, and I took our first family vacation.  We went to Puerto Rico and it was fantastic!  It was great to have some uninterrupted family bonding time, especially for John and Ewan.  Ewan even began to swim on his own! thanks to John!  Besides that, Puerto Rico was just beautiful.  Flying in from NYC was so easy and being that we were still in US Territory made it such a smooth vacation.  We enjoyed it so much that we even booked a flight back in October to check out wedding venues!

In March I went to a home party for a facial line of beauty products.  I wasn't particularly interested in those products, but I wanted to help out a friend who had just signed up to sell them.  Well... I didn't come home with products, but I did come home with the idea of starting up my own business!  I had written in this blog before about wanting to do something more and different in the job field.  So, beauty products (which I have never been into, besides wearing makeup from Walgreens) seemed somehow like a good choice, lol.  I didn't sign up with my friend though.  Those products were very expensive and full of chemicals.  So I did some research.

In April, I became an official consultant with Lemongrass Spa.  A small beauty and skin care line company with natural and organic products.  The products are fantastic but even more so healthy and safe to use.  I started to pay attention more to the products that I was using, not only in my shower but in my makeup and even in what I was using to clean the house.  It's amazing what is allowed in our products!  So I was happy and proud to share a safe and affordable alternative to my family and friends and clients that I met along the way.  What I also learned along the way of this newfound business is that I am a terrible salesperson!  I still have yet to recruit anyone to join the team.  But I love the products, I believe in them, and I am doing something that is waaay outside of the box for me and my comfort zone regardless.  I was also inspired to start that new blog with the focus on being healthy and happy.   I posted about inspiring people, positive quotes, and whatever else I could find to help people to find and appreciate their own individual and unique inner beauty.  I even set up a donation page with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention in which I (publicly) shared Dale's story.  I donate 10% of my earning from Lemongrass Spa to the AFSP as well.  In April, everything seemed to come together in an unforeseen way.  However, I have to say that it has been tough to maintain.  I have not been organized with my blog and go long periods without posting.  I have also lost some intensity in my business since becoming engaged and busy planning a wedding. But they are both still there and were a big part of my 2015.

May marked the 4th anniversary since Dale's death.  My parents were visiting that weekend and I tried to go along as if it were a regular day.  That didn't come out quite right.... what I mean is that the prior 3 anniversaries, it was as if time stopped.  I put my life on hold and dedicated that day to being alone with my son.  This year, I didn't push anyone away.  I found that I wanted to, but not only were my parents visiting, I now live with someone and couldn't escape.  It proved to be a difficult day in a different way.  It was hard living "normally" on that day.  I think some built-in quite time is appropriate for that day, but I also think that continuing to live on that day is equally important too.  I learned that on this anniversary.

Ewan graduated from kindergarten in June!  He loved his teacher and he loved school and I couldn't ask for anything more.  He had a fantastic year and I was am just so incredible proud of him!  (More on him in a later post.)

Late June/early July is when I had the dream that awakened my midlife crisis.

In August, John and I vacationed in The Nordic Lands!  We started off in Stockholm, Sweden for a couple of days.  Then we flew to Copenhagen, Denmark for just a day and a half before taking an overnight ferry to Oslo, Norway.  It was on the ferry somewhere in the middle of the Black Sea that John proposed to me.  We had been taking about it and I knew that it was coming.  Although, if he hadn't slipped and accidentally (without him even knowing it) showed me the ring in Stockholm, I would have been completely surprised that he decided to do it during the vacation.  Needless to say it was an extra special and memorable vacation.  Besides that, The Nordic Lands are just beautiful.  We went hiking in Norway and OMG... the views were simply spectacular!

Ewan turned six and started first grade on the same day in September!  It also became official that John had been in Ewan's life longer than Dale had been.  It's sad to think of it that way.  However, John and Ewan have developed their own special relationship.  Ewan does not call John dad and when asked he says that his dad is dead and that he doesn't have one.  He is very comfortable and matter-of-fact in his words when he says this.  More so than I am.  John is not upset by this at all and I respect and appreciate that from him.  I have never spoke to Ewan about John and his role.  I wanted that to take its own course.  Honestly, it makes me happy that Ewan reserves that special spot for Dale.  John will get all of the rewards of being able to be an active part of Ewan's life and being able to watch him grow.  Dale won't.  More than anything, I am glad that Dale is still alive in Ewan's heart and mind.

Wedding planning, wedding planning, wedding planning.... that pretty much sums up the end of my year!  Yes, I am having a wedding.  A big one in fact.  I was perfectly fine in not remarrying.  Once engaged, I was find with a small destination wedding.  However, through a series of different events, we are having a wedding in NYC (Staten Island to be exact) and after lots of hesitation, we are all in.  John has never been married before and has lots of friends and family.  For me, my life is very different now.  My family remains the same, but my friends are completely different than 14 years ago when I married Dale.  My friend Jessica told me that I had more reason to celebrate than anyone and those words opened the door to wanting a day to celebrate and have a blast with the people who have been a part of (atleast on my end) the journey from picking up the pieces to building a whole new life in the past (almost) five years.

So there you have it!  The general gist of my 2015.  I do have so much to look forward to in 2016 and I wish all of you a very happy and healthy new year!!!