Wednesday, July 16, 2014

My Truth

For over the past two and a half years, I have used this blog as an outlet to help me to not only release my thoughts, but to help sort them as well.  This blog was also my way of owning those thoughts and feelings because once they became published, they were out there in the world.  It didn't matter if 100 people viewed my blog, 10, or 0... I wrote them just the same because this was as it still is, for me.  As I think back on the posts that I have written, I realize that there were certain topics or points that I brought up repeatedly.  When I think of them now, I understand why they came up so frequently, and they did because I needed to remind myself of them.  I needed to hear myself say them over and over again because they were topics that I had questioned and even doubted in and about myself. 

Two and a half years ago, when I first began writing, I was still in the beginning stages of healing after the death of my husband, which happened by his own choice.  Suicide.  My life was shattered and not only was the life that I had once known gone, but there so were so many questions.  So many questions, so many doubts, so many uncertainties that completely overwhelmed me.  But I took a deep breath and ever so slowly and ever so carefully, put one foot in front of the other and moved forward the best and only way that I knew how. 

I have always shared my thoughts, my feelings... my life, honestly.  Some things were easy to share and reveal, some took some time.  Two and half years later, I can finally reveal more of my truth.

My truth... I was given a second chance.  You do not need to search long and hard to find a tragic story about a family with one of its members having a mental illness.  Even in the early moments of shock and utter sadness, I was grateful for my own life.  Perhaps that was the driving force behind all that I have tried to accomplish and create in these past few years... my appreciation for life. 

Life is not perfect.  There are tough times, sad times, crazy times, and hard to understand times.  But rarely do I complain.  What do I have to complain about?  The things that I can control, I do.  One of the best feelings is taking ownership of your own life and the decisions that you make.  And I do.  I am creating the best life that I can and there is no freer feeling than to know that you have the power to make that happen.  There are many things that I nor anyone else can control, but that is when you have to let go, as hard as it is, and have faith.  It doesn't need to even be a Godly faith, just something that you can believe in to help you to get through the challenges that life brings to us all.   And I have found that as well.  I cannot say that I feel closer to God or that my beliefs have been strengthened.  But I can say that I have grown spiritually as has my faith in the human spirit.  I do believe that there is more beyond the physical vessels that roam this earth.

My greatest truth... I am happy.  I am happy and I can now say that openly without feeling the need to justify it or to explain how I can be despite what has happened.  That's it, plain and simple, I am happy and I love my life.  Deep down, I always have.  It just took a long time to get to the point where I could drop the guilt and let myself embrace that happiness. 



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