Two months ago, when I last posted, my mind was racing. There were so many new and exciting things going on in my life, yet at the same time, they were causing my mind to race and I felt overwhelmed with both my thoughts and my feelings. This blog, which sole's purpose is to be a therapeutic release for me, seemed to instigate rather than soothe my racing mind and I felt like my content lost its intent, it's purpose.
So much of what was going on in my mind at the time revolved around what was coming. May 17th is the date on the death certificate and it is the date that is etched into the tombstone. However, for me, May 16th is the hardest day. That is the day that the act was done. That is the day that holds the last and final moments of a life. This year, May 16th was especially hard. I cried more than I had the year before. Life was different now.
The events that had taken place, the dreams that I had been having, the significance of what these days meant... they all coincided. On May 16th I cried for the loss of a life. Not just any life, but the life of my husband and the life of my son's father. I cried as I had in the previous years for this loss. What was different this year and what made it harder than last was that I was crying because I was saying goodbye. A real and genuine goodbye that I don't think I ever really had done. Three years. It was time to truly let go, to let go of everything and to just be.
Everything has been said and done. There has been an ending. And my way of saying that goodbye was to post the Eskimo Proverb out to the universe. If I could say anything to Dale, I would tell him that I hope that he is now at peace and has found that light within him, his happiness. I have forgiven him. I have forgiven myself. I have accepted his life, our life together, and my life now. And, that was my goodbye.
I woke up the morning of May 17th to find it much like the day after a terrible storm. It's always sunny. There is a deafening silence. There is the horrific sight of all the damage caused. But it always seems to be sunny. And that is how I felt. It was a new day. A day that wouldn't let you forget what happened, but a new day regardless. A day to appreciate and to be happy that you were able to open your eyes too. A new day filled with hope.
So, I took a deep breath and I felt lighter. All of those thoughts and feelings that had been overwhelming me didn't seem so significant. I had made my peace and those thoughts were at bay. I took a break from blogging because I just wanted to make sure that I kept them there. And I have.
There are so many wonderful things going on in my life right now. And what's even better, is that I can now feel and appreciate them wholeheartedly without any type of reservation.
So much of what was going on in my mind at the time revolved around what was coming. May 17th is the date on the death certificate and it is the date that is etched into the tombstone. However, for me, May 16th is the hardest day. That is the day that the act was done. That is the day that holds the last and final moments of a life. This year, May 16th was especially hard. I cried more than I had the year before. Life was different now.
The events that had taken place, the dreams that I had been having, the significance of what these days meant... they all coincided. On May 16th I cried for the loss of a life. Not just any life, but the life of my husband and the life of my son's father. I cried as I had in the previous years for this loss. What was different this year and what made it harder than last was that I was crying because I was saying goodbye. A real and genuine goodbye that I don't think I ever really had done. Three years. It was time to truly let go, to let go of everything and to just be.
Everything has been said and done. There has been an ending. And my way of saying that goodbye was to post the Eskimo Proverb out to the universe. If I could say anything to Dale, I would tell him that I hope that he is now at peace and has found that light within him, his happiness. I have forgiven him. I have forgiven myself. I have accepted his life, our life together, and my life now. And, that was my goodbye.
I woke up the morning of May 17th to find it much like the day after a terrible storm. It's always sunny. There is a deafening silence. There is the horrific sight of all the damage caused. But it always seems to be sunny. And that is how I felt. It was a new day. A day that wouldn't let you forget what happened, but a new day regardless. A day to appreciate and to be happy that you were able to open your eyes too. A new day filled with hope.
So, I took a deep breath and I felt lighter. All of those thoughts and feelings that had been overwhelming me didn't seem so significant. I had made my peace and those thoughts were at bay. I took a break from blogging because I just wanted to make sure that I kept them there. And I have.
There are so many wonderful things going on in my life right now. And what's even better, is that I can now feel and appreciate them wholeheartedly without any type of reservation.
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