I have shared the sentiments of this trip on more than one posting. It truly was sentimental to me and even poetic in a way. It was a trip that prior to taking I would have liked to have experienced with someone, but now that it's been said and done, I know that it was a trip that I was meant to take alone. It was for me and for me alone to experience and not once during my entire trip did I feel alone. And perhaps I wasn't...
I flew out on August 3rd, the day that I was married eleven years prior. I had a connection in Cleveland before arriving in Portland and just before we were getting ready to board, I heard our wedding song playing in the terminal. It's an older song and a rather uncommon song and I don't know when the last time I heard it because it's just one of those songs that you rarely ever hear (Runaway by The Coors). I couldn't believe my ears when I heard it because I didn't know if I wanted to listen to it or cover my ears... It's a hard day for me. I couldn't help but to hear and I tried to remain composed and succumbed to just teary eyes. Shortly thereafter I boarded the plane. This was the plane ride that I saw the rainbow!
I hate flying, but I love the window seat and that day was the perfect day for flying. I could see the landscape below and there were just enough clouds to make it romantic in a sense. Since my head was glued to the window (I think I'm that nervous passenger that makes everyone else nervous, lol) I could see this large and unique looking cloud approaching. It curved almost inside of itself which almost made it seem like there was something inside (I don't know how to explain it and my pictures didn't capture it). I couldn't help but to think... Heaven? and that is honestly what made me reach down for my camera. I had just never seen anything like it. As I waited for what seemed like forever for my phone to turn on, I continued to watch the cloud and then became a bit frightened that perhaps it wasn't heaven but a tornado forming. When it never turned into a twister I breathed a sigh of relief and began to take a few photos. It wasn't until I looked back at the cloud after we had already passed it that I saw the rainbow. It was more than just seeing a rainbow to me though (although that in and of itself was amazing), it was that I saw a rainbow on that particular day and after hearing our song. I couldn't help but to well up on the plane and that feeling stayed with me for most of the remainder of that flight. It was a feeling of sadness yes, but I also felt that I was exactly where I was meant to be and what a feeling that was. And just what if... what if that was my gift. A rainbow. On my wedding day. That made me feel both a peace and a comfort in where I was in that moment. And in that moment I was on my way to a place that I was led to by following the pieces of my life that I had to put back together. And that rainbow was beautiful and majestic. What ifs don't always have to hold negative connotations, they can be equally positive... and that was a what if I wanted to believe in. I want to believe that there is something greater out there. Something greater than us. And I couldn't help but to.
When I was in Portland I wandered and I happened upon a bridge that looked quite pretty and one that had great views. As I ventured out onto the bridge I noticed chalk writings on the bridge with sayings such as "You are a beautiful soul." and "Life is worth living." I knew what they meant when I saw them and I immediately had a pang in my heart. This beautiful view was no longer beautiful but eerie and sad. This bridge that I now know is named Vista Bridge, is one of the top suicide bridges in the country. When I was there, there were two ladies standing at one end underneath a suicide prevention banner. I went to talk to them and they happened to be volunteers on watch. There were 3 jumpers in the past 6 months and barriers were being put on it. But since it was a historical landmark it was a tricky process so in the meantime people were volunteering to stand guard. After talking to them for a bit, I shared that I lost my husband to suicide and although the situation helped to make it easier for me to share, it was the first time that I have shared publicly. And when I did, it came out just as if I had told them my husband died of cancer. It wasn't shameful, it wasn't a dark secret I had to hide, it just was and I have to admit that it felt good to be able to say it out loud like that. Just before I left there was a teenaged boy who rode up on his bike and stopped across the street from us. We all turned to him and he quickly took his backpack off. I say he did it quickly and he did, but to me it was in slow motion. I think my heart stopped and I think that the other ladies' hearts did too. He did not jump. And I don't know if I could have volunteered to do that job. I think I would have felt that same way with anyone and everyone that crossed the bridge. Stumbling upon this bridge did not take anything away from me on this trip, it just simply reminded my of why I was actually here to begin with.
Also when I was in Portland, I met up with a friend. I use the term friend loosely because I met up with Dale's neighbor that he grew up with. I had only met her once in my life, but her family was close with Dale's family. It was completely coincidental that she lives in Portland and it was a last minute meeting. I ran into her mother when I was visiting his family just days before this trip and I told her about it. Between that and Facebook, I couldn't hide my trip. It wasn't that I wanted to, it was just that since I don't really know her, I was worried it was going to be awkward. But it wasn't. Not at all. And it was actually nice to talk to someone who knew my husband so well. It was a very random encounter, but again just another reminder of him.
When I was at The Olympic Peninsula, someone pointed out to me a thistle bush. It wasn't out of place being there, but thistles are a reminder to me of Dale. He was Scottish. We took a trip together to Scotland. He had picked one for me bare handed and that is something that I still have, wrapped in a tartan. The groomsmen all wore kilts in our wedding. I even have a thistle tattoo. Just another reminder.
And on my last night on this trip, I had a dream. And in this dream he spoke to me for the very first time since his death. It was a weird dream... I had asked him to tell his mother that she needs to start chipping in for her share of the rent (We didn't live with her in real life!) and he told me that he would and he did... It wasn't a profound dream by any means, but it was something. I think that something was that I have made it far enough along the path of healing to let parts of him back in. I did have to shut parts out... it was too painful, too confusing, and just too much to have all at once. Pieces slowly began to trickle back in as time moved on, and I think all of these pieces that I encountered on this trip that made me think of him were available to me only because I was open enough again to receive them.
I returned home on August 9th, just in time to have ice cream cake with my son in memory of his father's birthday. The time between August 3-August 9 is almost like The Bermuda Triangle (without being a triangle). I did not intentionally plan this trip to fall exactly within that time frame. I was actually a bit weirded out by it and tried not to think about it that way. But...
This trip was perfect. The things that I had planned all worked out seamlessly and exceeded my expectations. It may have been what I didn't plan and what I stumbled into that made this trip all the more... sentimental, poetic, majestic, spectacular, exquisite, and amazing.
I flew out on August 3rd, the day that I was married eleven years prior. I had a connection in Cleveland before arriving in Portland and just before we were getting ready to board, I heard our wedding song playing in the terminal. It's an older song and a rather uncommon song and I don't know when the last time I heard it because it's just one of those songs that you rarely ever hear (Runaway by The Coors). I couldn't believe my ears when I heard it because I didn't know if I wanted to listen to it or cover my ears... It's a hard day for me. I couldn't help but to hear and I tried to remain composed and succumbed to just teary eyes. Shortly thereafter I boarded the plane. This was the plane ride that I saw the rainbow!
I hate flying, but I love the window seat and that day was the perfect day for flying. I could see the landscape below and there were just enough clouds to make it romantic in a sense. Since my head was glued to the window (I think I'm that nervous passenger that makes everyone else nervous, lol) I could see this large and unique looking cloud approaching. It curved almost inside of itself which almost made it seem like there was something inside (I don't know how to explain it and my pictures didn't capture it). I couldn't help but to think... Heaven? and that is honestly what made me reach down for my camera. I had just never seen anything like it. As I waited for what seemed like forever for my phone to turn on, I continued to watch the cloud and then became a bit frightened that perhaps it wasn't heaven but a tornado forming. When it never turned into a twister I breathed a sigh of relief and began to take a few photos. It wasn't until I looked back at the cloud after we had already passed it that I saw the rainbow. It was more than just seeing a rainbow to me though (although that in and of itself was amazing), it was that I saw a rainbow on that particular day and after hearing our song. I couldn't help but to well up on the plane and that feeling stayed with me for most of the remainder of that flight. It was a feeling of sadness yes, but I also felt that I was exactly where I was meant to be and what a feeling that was. And just what if... what if that was my gift. A rainbow. On my wedding day. That made me feel both a peace and a comfort in where I was in that moment. And in that moment I was on my way to a place that I was led to by following the pieces of my life that I had to put back together. And that rainbow was beautiful and majestic. What ifs don't always have to hold negative connotations, they can be equally positive... and that was a what if I wanted to believe in. I want to believe that there is something greater out there. Something greater than us. And I couldn't help but to.
When I was in Portland I wandered and I happened upon a bridge that looked quite pretty and one that had great views. As I ventured out onto the bridge I noticed chalk writings on the bridge with sayings such as "You are a beautiful soul." and "Life is worth living." I knew what they meant when I saw them and I immediately had a pang in my heart. This beautiful view was no longer beautiful but eerie and sad. This bridge that I now know is named Vista Bridge, is one of the top suicide bridges in the country. When I was there, there were two ladies standing at one end underneath a suicide prevention banner. I went to talk to them and they happened to be volunteers on watch. There were 3 jumpers in the past 6 months and barriers were being put on it. But since it was a historical landmark it was a tricky process so in the meantime people were volunteering to stand guard. After talking to them for a bit, I shared that I lost my husband to suicide and although the situation helped to make it easier for me to share, it was the first time that I have shared publicly. And when I did, it came out just as if I had told them my husband died of cancer. It wasn't shameful, it wasn't a dark secret I had to hide, it just was and I have to admit that it felt good to be able to say it out loud like that. Just before I left there was a teenaged boy who rode up on his bike and stopped across the street from us. We all turned to him and he quickly took his backpack off. I say he did it quickly and he did, but to me it was in slow motion. I think my heart stopped and I think that the other ladies' hearts did too. He did not jump. And I don't know if I could have volunteered to do that job. I think I would have felt that same way with anyone and everyone that crossed the bridge. Stumbling upon this bridge did not take anything away from me on this trip, it just simply reminded my of why I was actually here to begin with.
Also when I was in Portland, I met up with a friend. I use the term friend loosely because I met up with Dale's neighbor that he grew up with. I had only met her once in my life, but her family was close with Dale's family. It was completely coincidental that she lives in Portland and it was a last minute meeting. I ran into her mother when I was visiting his family just days before this trip and I told her about it. Between that and Facebook, I couldn't hide my trip. It wasn't that I wanted to, it was just that since I don't really know her, I was worried it was going to be awkward. But it wasn't. Not at all. And it was actually nice to talk to someone who knew my husband so well. It was a very random encounter, but again just another reminder of him.
When I was at The Olympic Peninsula, someone pointed out to me a thistle bush. It wasn't out of place being there, but thistles are a reminder to me of Dale. He was Scottish. We took a trip together to Scotland. He had picked one for me bare handed and that is something that I still have, wrapped in a tartan. The groomsmen all wore kilts in our wedding. I even have a thistle tattoo. Just another reminder.
And on my last night on this trip, I had a dream. And in this dream he spoke to me for the very first time since his death. It was a weird dream... I had asked him to tell his mother that she needs to start chipping in for her share of the rent (We didn't live with her in real life!) and he told me that he would and he did... It wasn't a profound dream by any means, but it was something. I think that something was that I have made it far enough along the path of healing to let parts of him back in. I did have to shut parts out... it was too painful, too confusing, and just too much to have all at once. Pieces slowly began to trickle back in as time moved on, and I think all of these pieces that I encountered on this trip that made me think of him were available to me only because I was open enough again to receive them.
I returned home on August 9th, just in time to have ice cream cake with my son in memory of his father's birthday. The time between August 3-August 9 is almost like The Bermuda Triangle (without being a triangle). I did not intentionally plan this trip to fall exactly within that time frame. I was actually a bit weirded out by it and tried not to think about it that way. But...
This trip was perfect. The things that I had planned all worked out seamlessly and exceeded my expectations. It may have been what I didn't plan and what I stumbled into that made this trip all the more... sentimental, poetic, majestic, spectacular, exquisite, and amazing.
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