A Visit

One year ago from this day was my husband's funeral.  I do not want to walk down the road of reliving details from that day.  However, one thing that I did do on this day was that I gave the eulogy.  Preparing for it was extremely difficult.  What do you say when it is your final words?  How do you honor a life in only a few minutes?  How do you stand up in front of a group a people, no matter if they are family and friends, and speak about your husband at his funeral?

It was something that I felt I absolutely both needed and wanted to do.  And I did it.  I got choked up a few times, but recomposed myself and made it through.  I believe it was my desire to say these words for and to my husband more than any other reason that made it possible for me to get through it.  At the time, I was just grateful that I made it through it.  Looking back on it now, I am so happy that I was able to share my thoughts through my words with all of the people that had loved and cared about my husband.  Especially in the manner in which he died, I believe there were so many unsettled feelings and questions.  I had wanted to honor him and his memory by speaking words that were honest and genuine.

That night I received a visit.  Over the course of the past year, I believe that I had a few visits.  I have had many dreams, but these "visits" which also occurred to me during my sleep feel very, very different.  I have not had one in quite a long time, but on the night of the funeral, I believe to the very core of my being, that I had a visit.

I was at the bottom of a hill with my son and my husband's best friend from high school.  I am not sure what my son was doing, but he had the full attention of me and this friend.  We were all at peace and were able to enjoy the moment that we were in.  Then I saw him.  Up on the hill stood my husband.  He was wearing jeans and a light blue sweater.  I knew this outfit very well!  He stood at the top and kept his distance, not coming down any closer to us.  When his friend saw him, in his typical way, he waved and waved like a big dork, and was all smiles.  I looked up at him and could feel my smile shoot out from within, I beamed.  When my husband saw us and our reactions, he gave us a little head nod.  It seemed as if he took one last good look at us and as he turned to walk back up the hill I could see him wipe a tear from his eye.

That was my visit.  What this meant to me was that my husband wanted to check in and see if our son and I were okay, that we were taken care of.  This friend, who does not live close enough to us to have a daily presence in our lives,  I believe is someone that my husband truly believed in as a genuine, kind, good man.  I think he just represented all the people who were there, are there, and will continue to be there in our lives to support and love my son and myself.  This visit was so simple, no words were said, yet is said so much.  It was perfect and I am thankful for my husband for giving that to me.

One Year

On the one year anniversary of my husband's death, I spent the entire day alone with my son.  My son and I spent the day at the park.  I did not want to start any traditions for this day with my son.  I wanted to make it as simple as possible.  I wanted it to be a day that appreciated the simplest pleasures in life, and it was.

I don't know if it was the release of emotions for the past two weeks, pouring out my heart on this blog over the past few days, or a spiritual presence, but I felt as if I a blanket of peace had been laid upon me that day.  I still felt the hurt and sadness, but I also felt a certain quiet that seemed to slow things down and it took the edge off a bit.

My son was an absolute sweetheart on Thursday.  He is still so young and doesn't understand, but it was as if he somehow knew the significance of this day.  He had hugs for me all day long, hugs that were just random and hugs that I didn't even have to ask for.  In some ways it was bittersweet because he was so happy that day.  He had smiles all day long and laughed and laughed.  It was hard to not to become effected by this mood of his and he completely lifted my spirits.

I say I was alone on this day, but there was an out pour of love and warm thoughts that were sent our way on Thursday.  Whether it was a phone call, a text message, or a bouquet of fruits, I knew that my son and I were in other's thoughts and prayers and that we really were not alone.  <3

Although I did not start a tradition on this day with my son.  I did start one of my own.  I bought a very nice leather bound journal.  I decided that each year, I would write to my husband as if I were talking to him.  I felt that this might be a positive release for me and I also felt that years from now, when my son is older this might be a piece that will be meaningful to him.  It may answer some questions that he may have, it may help him to understand, it may bring him peace, or even a smile brought upon by a memory.  I am not sure, but this is something that I do want to do each year.

I feel as though my writing today is not very eloquent and focused.  These past few days have exhausted me mentally and today is the first day in a few that I actually feel like I have some energy.  So this is where I will end for tonight.

Year one.  The fastest and slowest year of my life.

Keepsakes

Weather has always been a trigger of memories for me.  Whether its the way the breeze brushes your cheeks, the earthy smell of spring, or a misty Sunday morning... it has always brought back memories.  Today was one of those days.  It was a gloomy, rainy day.  It has actually been pretty gloomy and rainy all week, but today it decided to remind me of my trip to Scotland.  A happy memory, a very happy memory.

Our trip to Scotland was my engagement present to Him.  Yup, that's right.  I got a ring, he got a plane ticket.  The year was 2001.  The month was June.  I was a recent college graduate who was also recently engaged.  We had decided to embrace our age, the European culture, and the moment and we backpacked it!  We even stayed in hostels.  That is something that I would never do again (not because it was a bad experience, I just feel too old for that now) and that's what made it so awesome.

We flew into London, which I loved, but only stayed a few days because our real destination was Scotland.  We visited Edinburgh, Inverness, and Sterling and we traveled through Great Britain by train.  I fell in love.  The land was gorgeous, breathtaking actually.  The coast, the rolling green land, it was fantastic.  I loved the castles and the architecture.  I loved the language and seeing men walking around town in kilts.  I loved it all because I was happy.  I was happy because I could see how happy He was.  He was part Scottish and he had always wanted to visit Scotland.  I was so happy to be the one to experience this complete bliss of his with him.

While we were there, He picked up a kilt with his family's plaid that he had pre-ordered before our arrival.   He wore that kilt on our wedding day as did all our groomsmen.  He was always so proud and happy to put on that kilt.  Now, that kilt is one of the precious mementos that I have to pass on to our son.  I also look forward to the day when I can bring my son to Scotland.  I want to share with him what his father and I shared together.  I want him to have this experience so that he can feel a certain closeness with his father.  To take a deep breath of air from this foreign land, to look around, and to see what his father once saw.  

***

I am so happy that we shared a son.  My husband had so many special keepsakes that are more easily passed down from father to son.  Besides the kilt, there are watches, rings, ties, books, a gorgeous model ship, and even a family bible dated back to the mid 1800's.  While I wish I didn't have to share with my son who his father was in this way, I am truly grateful for the photos, letters, stories, and mementos that I do have so that my son will grow up knowing who is father was.  He was unique and he possessed so many wonderful qualities.