Fame!

I am not a dancer.  I don't even have enough rhythm in my whole body to fill up my little pinky.  Yet today, I found myself in a NYC dance studio!

It was actually a very cool and a very not me experience.

Tonight I went to my first belly dancing class!  And it was so much fun!  It was a small group of women... not sure if I am going to meet and make my new BFF there, lol, but... they were nice and I had a really great time.

My instructor was a cute, young Manhattanite with stars in her eyes.  The studio was full of young aspiring hopefuls.  It was neat step into that life.  It's very different than my own, even when I was in my very early twenties.  I had already planned out my life in many ways... I had my career and my future husband all lined up before I even graduated college.  But this post is not about that.

This post is about the fun I had tonight.  It's about getting out into the city and feeling its energy.  It's about trying something new.  It's about not stopping and becoming complacent in life.  It's about doing things that make you feel happy and alive.  It's about... working those hips and mastering the shimmy!  

I can't wait to go back!  :)

The Black Hole

Lately I have been thinking about my life.  I have been thinking about Dale more and thinking back on my life with him.  In many ways it has gotten easier to think about him and our life together, but there are still many ways in which I find it very difficult to do.  Besides the pain and sadness, there is the heartbreaking reality which inspired this blog post... a black hole.

Much of my life with my husband was spent with just him.  I loved being with him.  I loved the hikes, the kayaks, the coffee shops, the antique shops, the long walks with the dogs, the intimate Thanksgiving dinners, the cozy Christmas mornings, the quite nights in drinking tea... I remember thinking that I could move away with him, out in the middle of nowhere, live off of the land, and be completely happy.  And I believed that for a long time. 

What I know now is how important it is to have people in your life, other people besides your significant other.  With each move we made, we had less friends.  We lived farther from family.  We just weren't getting lost in one another's company anymore, we were becoming isolated.  Very isolated.  And now I am feeling another consequence for that, my fading memories.

I met Dale almost exactly 16 years ago.  We were together ever since... almost 14 years.  I was only 32 when he died.  So a huge chunk of my life was spent with him.  And a large chunk of that time spent with him was spent with him alone.  So many of my memories were not only intertwined with him, but my own individual memories were shared mainly with him.  When something good, bad, funny, etc. happened to me... I shared it with him.  I didn't call my parents.  I didn't have many friends to not only create memories with, but to share my life experiences and stories with.  For better or worse, Dale and I truly were two peas in a pod and that pod was out in the middle of the sea. 

So as time passes and I have no one to recall memories with, I am forgetting many things.  Not just about Dale, but about me too.  It was my life.  And so much of my life died with Dale.  In this case, I feel that time is working against me and is sucking up my memories where they will be lost forever in a black hole. 

That is why it was extra painful to lose my dogs.  Just their presence was a living reminder of some of my most cherished memories with Dale.  My son is too, of course.  But the time we had with our son was only just a sliver of our time together.  The majority of my life with him was with him and the dogs. 

When I think back on my life with him as I am now, it seems incomprehensible to me how I have been able to stand.  Honestly, I do not know how I have been able to get up every single day and smile.  The end and the months leading to the end was traumatic.  It was awful.  It was excruciating.  But still... there were so many years with so many happy, amazing memories created. 

I had a dream last night.  I couldn't see him, but I was talking to him.  That's unusual since it's always the opposite.  This was only the second dream that I have had where we spoke.  But, last night we were having an actual conversation.  I don't remember the sound of his voice in the dream.  Again, I didn't see him, but I knew that it was him.  In so many of my dreams, I am aware that he is dead, but in my dreams it didn't really happen.  For one reason or another, the death was faked.  I didn't feel that sense last night, I was just in the moment of talking to him and telling him about everything that had happened this past year.  The part that I remember telling him was that my grandmother died.  I remember telling him that it was my mother's mother and how our dog Skye died on the same day.  He spoke back to me telling me that he thought she (the dog) may had passed since he didn't see her anywhere.  And that was it.  That was my dream.  That was the most he had ever spoken to me in my dream. 

I miss him.  I miss that part of my life that is missing without him.  I have done something that I have never done.  I took out his wedding band and put it on a chain.  I'm going to wear it tomorrow to work.  I don't plan on keeping his ring with me at all times from now on.  I just feel like I want to feel him close, for just a bit.  It's taken a long time to feel comfortable inviting him back into my life.  And we deserve it.  We both do, for all great memories that time allowed for us to share and for all of those great memories that time has already began to take away. 

Climbing Back on to the Turnip Truck

So it’s 7:15 on a Tuesday night and instead of a date that I prematurely set with a man to follow a lunch date yesterday, I am sitting in a bar about a block away from my apartment.  I’m sitting here with my laptop and my freshly manicured fingers typing away.  My pretzel-crumbed plate is staring at me as I wish there were more to pick at, but atleast I still have my glass of Stella Artois to keep me company.  I got a good set up here, at my little table.  I’ve got 45 minutes to kill before I head home and relieve my babysitter’s three-hour shift.  I feel like a New Yorker… I’m feeling good right now, like I used to when I was enjoying the present moment and not worrying about the future.

What happened?  When did I fall off of that wagon?  I was right when I posted not too long ago that my main goal in this new phase of my life is to maintain what I have worked so hard at building.  I am currently searching for a bead to add to my bracelet to represent that.  I became cocky.  I just one day woke up and decided that I didn’t need any more life lessons, I had had enough.  Well, life didn’t see it that way and I have felt the repercussions of my arrogance since. 

[I wish this bar had peanuts.]

I have decided that I let things become stagnant.  I stopped trying new things and putting myself out there.  I became semi-obsessed with controlling the uncontrollable and like I posted yesterday, I really did hit a low.  So last night, I decided that I am officially taking myself offline (dating).  I need to not use that as my crutch to try different avenues.  So also last night, I joined 3 new meet-up groups (www.meetup.com:  There’s a group for e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g! lol).  I joined a singles board game group.  They meet every other Tuesday and at a bar in Manhattan.  Cool!  It could be cool to meet someone special there, but even if I don’t, I am sure to meet new people and maybe even make some new friends!  I just got accepted to become a member of this group today, so I will have to wait until the 26^th to go.  I’m excited!

The second group that I joined I am quite sure I will NOT find a date at.  It’s a belly dancer group!!!  I have absolutely NO rhythm or moves at all whatsoever!  But… I have wanted for some time to join some kind of dance program (ballroom, salsa, belly) and it took me until yesterday to actually do it.  I have already RSVP’d  to next Wednesday’s class.  I am hoping to coax a friend to coming with me, but even if not, I am still going and I am very excited about this one!

My final group is a mommy book and wine club.  I have wanted to join a book club since my own flopped nearly two years ago.  This group meets only once a month and they are located very close to home.  Did I mention you need to bring a bottle of wine to each meeting?!?  :)    Again, won’t be meeting any men there, but I really am not that man-obsessed.  I would like to network, meet new people, etc. 

I also spoke to my friend who is a kickboxer today.  I wanted to start an offical class, but opted to run at the park (free!) during September and October.  It is officially super cold out and there is no way, my little behind will be running in the cold, dark months of winter.  I hope to go 2x a week immediately after work where I can leave my son at day care and pick him up by 5.  

If I can pull that off, go the board game nights 2x a month, belly dancing 2x a month, the book club once a month, and go out with girlfriends atleast once a month, I will be a happy camper.  Notice that there is not one mention of a date!?!  If it happens, it happens.  But I need to keep busy with things that will help me to grow and to stay happy! 

I have to admit, 2013 has not been an easy year.  There’s no comparison to the horror and trauma of 2011, but still… it has not been easy.  It’s time to get the ball rolling.  First to start off my new age of 35 (in less than 1 month, agh!!) and the new year! 

P.S.   The bar tender is super cute and could put on quite the gun show.  ;)  I guess I should atleast smile, right?  (I’m so bad at this! Lol)

P.S.S.  I came home at 8:00 to find that my son was already asleep… :)

It's a good night.  

Under Pressure

Under pressure... that is absolutely how I have been feeling for the past, I don't know... months  It's been wearing at me and I think that I finally the bottom. 

What is it?  What's eating at me?  None other than the desire to meet someone.  I've taken out any potential fun in the process.  I feel like I am being strict and rigid and analyzing my naturally analytical mind.  I didn't really begin to feel the pressure until I returned home from the trip to the Northwest.  I felt like that was the ending of one phase and I was into a new.  I felt really ready to meet someone and since I felt ready, I expected it/him to basically fall into my lap right then and there.  And when he didn't... I began to press.  I began to stress and obsess.  I began to feel that negative tension and first the loneliness factor started to kick in, then the self pity, then the pressure began to take on a life of its own. 

The pressure that I have put upon myself is much more than just that I feel I am ready.  I am turning 35 next month.  35 will be the new age next to my profile on the online dating sites I am on.  I can't help to feel that number will work against me or atleast, it won't help.  But its even more than just that.  I would like to have another child.  35 is a big year.  I am officially in my mid-thirties and I don't have that much time left to have children.  I am not being overly dramatic, that's just the truth.  At this point, I feel as though I would take having another child off the plate when I turn 38.  I know that's three years, but three years goes very quickly... I have been single now for almost that long. 

Another reason that I have put so much pressure on myself is my son.  He talks and talks more and more about his father and the things that they do and what he will tell him.  Just the other day my son told me that "the ghost tree is going to give me a new daddy and a baby sister."  I have never heard of the "ghost tree" before.  I have never mentioned to him that I wanted to find a new daddy for him, ever.  I don't know where this came from, but I have to admit, I wanted to believe in this ghost tree too!  Nevertheless, it breaks my heart to hear my son talk about and ask questions about dads.  I know he is missing out on this crucial piece in his life.  I cannot fill that piece.  All I can do is try to soften the edges and... find someone to fill that role for him.  It is this reason, my son, the child that I do have which truly adds on the pressure for me. 

I know I shouldn't feel this way.  I know that I cannot force things to happen.  I know that I have very little to no control over when this will happen.  And I think all of that contributed to all of the freaking out I did this weekend over that guy I posted about on Saturday.  

I have to control the controllable and let go of the rest.  It's taking away my fun and even my general happiness and it's just not worth it.  Time to POP that bubble of pressure!

Reality Bites

Last Friday, I posted "Just Around the Corner" sharing my thoughts that I had about this feeling that perhaps something was indeed just around the corner for me. 

On Saturday, I met a guy online whom I liked pretty much right away.  He contacted me first.  He complemented me.  He seemed very sweet.  He seemed interested.  He seemed enthusiastic.  He seemed open and easy to chat with.  Over the past week we continued to e-mail and I liked him more and more.  He remembered things that I said and asked me about them.  He asked me about my son and remember things I had mentioned about him.  He felt easy going and easy to share things with and I felt comfortable telling him some things about my son rather than just mentioning to him that I had one.  He asked me if I'd like to meet up and we set a date for Tuesday.  We moved on to texting and I was enjoying getting to know him. 

I had two reservations.  One is that he's a smoker.  That's not a deal breaker, but a disgusting and expensive habit that I'm not very much attracted too.  The other is that he's a 36 year old student who moved back home with his parents in New Jersey while getting his degree.  He's in a radiology program which I have learned is quite extensive and rigorous.  I understand how expensive it is to live here and how hard it would be able to work while in residency to make ends meat.  So that didn't bother me so much because he was working towards a high achieving goal.  However, he is unemployed.  How do I date someone unemployed?  I'm not even thinking materialistically.  But just to go out for a cup of coffee... Dinner?  That would make me feel bad and I can't afford to pay for dinners when I am paying for a sitter.  But, I took a breath and let that go because I liked him. 

He said he had a good feeling about this and I wanted to believe him and I did.  He acted the way Jesse did and it was such a great feeling.  It was that feeling that I was looking and looking for and hadn't been able to find since Jesse.  I even put my dating reservations down and wanted to act like I did when I met Jesse and not feel like I had to play things rigid or safe.  I just went with the flow.  I told him that he made me smile and that I was excited about meeting him.  We even began to almost make plans for dates beyond the first, or atleast assumptions.  Again, it felt nice. 

So, when he both found out that we were going to be in Manhattan this afternoon, he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee.  I told him I would have my son and he said he knew.  Again, it was nice that having a son wasn't an issue.  I had never introduced my son to anyone and I was unsure of how to do it.  I said it needed to be very, very casual and he said he's a casual person.  I didn't see any harm with this, so I went with it.  And I met this man today.

The man that I met today and the man that I envisioned myself meeting today are two very different people.  It began when he first approached us.  I never would have recognized him because he looked 10 years older than his pictures.  It is very hard to believe that he is only 36.  He is very handsome in his cover photo (which I did learn yesterday was a "couple?" of years old).  I did notice a difference in that handsomeness in all the rest of the photos, but he looked cute enough.  He looks so very different than even those photos.  That really threw me.  However, one can up their looks by their overall appearance.  The right clothes, etc... it can make such a different.  He was dressed frumpy.  I couldn't even talk myself into him more by finding something physcially attractive about him.  He didn't help himself out at all. 

What threw me even more so than his appearance was his personality.  He did say that he was chatty and he did say he funny in a clownish sort of way.  I didn't know what that really meant or looked like until I saw him in person.  He talked loudly in a very quiet coffee shop.  He was nosey and I thought he was actually going to go up to a group of people (study group?) and ask them what they were doing.  He shouted across the room to the clerk to ask a question.  He poured an enormous amount of sugar into his coffee and was jittery and moved and talked the whole time.  He seemed somewhat arrogant in the way that he told my he didn't ever have to study because he was smart and how he was happy that he knew people who would be graduating ahead of him so that they could be the in to to get him a job after he was done.  I just... ugh... I was turned off more by his personality than his appearance. 

My friends thought that maybe he was just nervous.  That could be it.  But he did act the exact way that he described himself.  My friends told me that I should give him a second chance and keep the date with him.  I was planning on it.  However, as the night has gone on... I'm not sure if I want to.  I am having a hard time keeping an open mind.  And if I can't do that, what's the point in meeting him again?

One friend did ask me what I liked about him today.  I had to think a bit but... he was attentive to my son.  He did buy my coffee and my son's milk.  He did smile alot.  He was kind.  But honestly,  there isn't one person that I have gone out with that I couldn't describe that way.  What made him different was... I had high expectations going into this with him.  Whereas with all the others, Jesse included, I didn't expect too much or didn't know what to expect.  

So, if I had such high expectations and I really, really wanted this to work... why am I finding it so easy to talk myself out of him?  I wanted things to work with the professor and I talked myself into him.  Even when I wasn't sure, I stuck around to find answers.  Do I already have my answers and I don't need to stick around?  I really thought this was my "just around the corner"... why am I not trying to talk myself back into him? 

There are people who look great on paper.  There are people who look great in virtuality.  Neither are the actual reality.  Reality can bite sometimes.  And I went from a nervous, excited high today to a disappointed, shallow (because you're not what I expected and not what I think I want) low. 

Phew

I don't mean to sound over dramatic, but I kind of feel like a dodged a bullet today.  I couldn't be more relieved.

Today I had an appointment with a dermatologist.  I have this mole on my abdomen, near the bra line.  Over the years, it has grown and although it has kept a circular shape there is a variation in coloring.  This past winter, I asked my PCP to take a look at it and she did.  She said to her it looked fine, but added on that she wasn't the expert.  She referred me to a specialist and that was as far as that went.  I have no idea why I never went.  I'm guessing it was time or laziness... probably both.

In September a colleague of mine told me that she had to have a mole removed because it was precancerous.  This particular mole was one that was almost identical to one that I have, not on my abdomen, but on my thigh.  I remember laughing and commenting on how we like that mole on our leg when we noticed we share that commonality this spring.  However, I wasn't laughing anymore.  What I realized was how stupid I was for not having gone to see a dermatologist in the winter. 

So today was my day.  I actually had three that I wanted to get checked out.  Today was a day that I had been somewhat dreading for the past week since I made the appointment.  I wanted to stay positive, but the truth is... I had no idea what the outcome would be from my visit.  I, of course, was hoping for the best.  But you just never know.  Cancer doesn't care who you are, how old you are, or that you are the sole care taker for your child.  It doesn't discriminate. 

So when the doctor told me that all three looked just fine, I couldn't help but to hold back tears.  Tears of relief.  I told her how scary it was to come in not knowing what the findings could have been.  She told me that I should come back in a year, just so that two of them can be measured and monitored.  But she reassured me that I had nothing to worry about with those moles at this point in my life. 

Phew... I am so happy and thankful that I was given a clean bill of health today.  I know that is not the case for everyone... whether its cancer or some other ailing disease.  So not only am I happy and thankful.  I feel very lucky too. 

Something Sweet

Love can be many things... Passionate, Intense,  Romantic, Complicated, Genuine, Amazing, Patient, Challenging, Beautiful... And sometimes it is just simple and sweet. 

 

Around the Corner

I was talking to my mom a few weeks ago about the lack of any potential men in my life.  There have been none.  Zip.  Zero.  Notta.  Other than the professor, I have not been out on a date since April.  That's a long time.  The online action has been very quiet.  I have chatted with men, but it hasn't amounted to anything.  I could have had a date a couple of weeks ago, but I changed my mind and cancelled because we basically skipped the get-to-know-you small talk and I just didn't feel like wasting my time with someone that I wasn't so interested in and whom I didn't feel was so interested in me.  So... that's been it for me in the dating world.  However...

At the end of this conversation with my mother, she told me as any good, reassuring mother would, "Don't worry, he's just around the corner."  You know, I think she's right.  I don't know why I feel that she is, but I do.  Even though there is currently no one in my life or even knocking on the door, I can't help to feel like it is going to happen soon. 

About a month ago, I booked a vacation to Walt Disney World.  It's going to be just my son and myself. Honestly, I couldn't be happier that it's just the two of us.  There's a part of me that feels like it is going to be our last big hoo-ha.  And I want that moment (those 6 days actually) with my son.  It's going to be magical and I deserve to have and to hold that time with my son all to myself. 

So... I'm just putting it out there.  For no reason other than my mother told me so, I kinda do believe that he is just "around the corner."