What is "lost"?

The dictionary definition of lost is, "unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts."  

When I use the term lost, my meaning is "the inability to find one's way due to the inability to recognize one's true self."  

I have looked at myself and my life as a giant puzzle.  All of the pieces were there, I just didn't quite know how to put them all together.  Which is absurd, right?  Puzzle pieces are designed to fit.  You just have to take the time to align them.  I didn't view my puzzle pieces as fitting though.  That's where the confusion set in.  What belonged?  What didn't?  Why didn't they fit?  And just when I felt like I had figured it all out, because I had felt complete and peaceful at different times in my life, something new entered my life and I felt like I had to take the puzzle apart and start over, instead of building upon what was already there.

You know what that is?  A weak foundation.  

(I actually do know now that I have a strong foundation.  It is a very strong foundation that has weathered many storms.  However, when you don't have a strong sense of self, you lack the ability to recognize what is sitting right in front of you, just like I lacked the ability to put the puzzle pieces together.  They were all there.  They have always been there.  Perception is key.  Identity is power.  Authenticity is bravery.

Not having a strong sense of self is not an attractive quality.  I am not going to beat myself up here, I am aware that I do possess many attractive qualities, but that just isn't wasn't one of them.  I can also imagine how frustrating it could be to be with and love someone who is unsure of themselves. I am positive that played a significantly negative role in my relationships.  Being wishy-washy with my identity made it easier to be a people pleaser because it is a breeding ground for a lack of boundaries.  I can now also see the type of people who are attracted to people like me like I used to be.)

Props that I do need to give to myself is that despite feeling "lost" for so much of my life, part of the reason I felt lost was because I was searching.  You don't feel lost if you don't go anywhere.  I have always been moving, learning, and growing.  But you don't know what you don't know.  There was so much that I didn't know about myself and who I was am and why I was am the way that I am.  It does make sense now.  The puzzle pieces fit and it is such a satisfying and empowering place to finally be.  But what a wild ride to get there!

Let's Back Up a Bit

After rereading my last post, I wanted to go back and clarify my position on feeling "lost."  Truth be told, I had felt "lost" for quite a long time, it wasn't just after my mom passed that it emerged.  This blog was essentially birthed from my desire to find myself after the death of my first husband. 

 In the first two years of this blog, I posted over 260 times and during that time I was also seeing a therapist.  I was working on myself.  I was spilling my thoughts.  I was trying to make sense of things.  I was trying to figure out who I was at that time.  In the summer of 2013, I stopped seeing my therapist.  I felt that I was in a position where I outgrew her.  Perhaps I should have continued therapy with a new therapist, but I was feeling good.  Stronger.  More secure.  I put so much to rest and felt so much more at peace and while I was not completely healed (is that even possible?) I believed that I was in a good enough place to move on, and I still believe that.  I met John in November of that year and I moved on.

However, it didn't take long for that "lost" feeling to reemerge.  In January of 2016, I said goodbye to this blog and began a new one.  Looking back at those posts from that new blog,  it was about living and loving life.  I was positive.  I was engaged and planning a wedding.  I was happy.  

It was just after the wedding, in October of 2016, that it was confirmed what my siblings and I thought about my mom, early onset Alzheimer's.  She was only 62 and had just retired that summer.  It was an excruciating diagnosis.  That same fall, my son began to have problems in school.  He was having a tough go with his emotions.  He had been sent to the guidance counselor a few times, one time I had to pick him up early because he had scratched his own face so badly (yep... he was turning his emotions inward and I cannot even begin to tell you how terrifying that was).  He started to see an outside therapist. Oh, and my best friend was diagnosed with cancer.  

It was not an easy time. I actually found meditation in the spring of 2017.  I took an 8-week weekly (in-person) workshop.  (This will become more significant as I catch up more with more up-to-date posts.)  I was recently married to my amazing (as I had so often referred to the person that I would eventually end up with here on this blog) and felt that I was OKAY, just everyone around me seemed to be falling apart (hadn't that happened before?).

In December of 2018 (weeks after turning 40, which was difficult for me) I started yet another blog.  This one was titled, "Discovering Your WAY" where WAY stood for "Who Are You."  YEP... I was lost.  I had lost myself again.  I knew that I had, yet I didn't really know that I had.  

That blog focused on running, traveling, maintaining friendships, living in NYC, yoga, meditation, healthy living... all of the things that were important to me then (they still are today) but I think what I was searching for was a way to combine all of these things that I loved, that were important to me and make some sort of sense of them.  They all seemed so random and disconnected.  I think now that it was just me.   I just felt disconnected... from myself, from others, from everything.    

(So to say that I felt "lost" began in 2021 is not completely accurate.  It was knocking at my door in 2018.  It just busted the door in 2021.

Ironically, the last post before this most recent resurrection was dated May 16, 2018.  I reread it and the significant events of 2017-2018 are what I just posted in this post and then some.  I have documentation that I was in a tough place and ultimately by the end of the year, when I started that new blog, I felt lost.)   

Fix You

In this past year, I have shared a few songs that were ones I found much comfort in as I tried to heal after the death of my husband.  One of the reasons I had found comfort with these pieces was that they contained no words.  The instrumental pieces may have helped guide my emotions, but the story that they conjured was mine, not the artists'.  

One song that did contain words that I listened to repeatedly was "Fix You" by Coldplay.  There are so many outside factors (both positive and negative) that we rely on to help us through tough times... family, friends, religion, therapy, sex, drugs, etc, etc, etc...  However, the factor that matters most, is you.  It doesn't matter how strong and positive of a support system one may have, if change is going to occur, it truly must come from within.  Unfortunately, I witnessed firsthand the devastation that can occur from one not being able to take care of himself in such a way to truly cope and heal from within.  

This song seemed most fitting for me to dedicate to myself.  Sounds a bit silly, I know.  But the only one that can truly take care of us and fix us is ourselves.  I was surrounded by the love of my family and friends and that meant everything to me.  That helped give me the courage and strength to fix myself so that I could heal and move on in a positive way.  But it was me alone who did not once not get out of bed.  It was me alone who went through my husband's personal belongings and decided what to keep and what to donate.  It was me alone who had to tell my son that his father was dead and that meant that we won't ever be able to see and talk to him again.  So it had to be me alone who had to work through all of the questions and confusion and guilt to make it to where I am today.   

I feel like I am in a very good, healthy place right now.  However, having said that, I feel like I can be in an even better place.  I feel like I have been on an adrenaline rush for the past year.  But lately, I feel like that adrenaline has been diminishing, but I am still moving at the same fast speed.  Exhaustion has started to creep in more and more and I don't like it.  There were many things that I turned to and used as therapy to help me to get to where I am today.  Some of these things I have not been as dedicated to doing as I have once been.  I won't ever be completely fixed or healed, but that doesn't mean that I should stop trying, especially since I do feel good.  No matter what state or place we are in our lives, we are all works in progress and can always continue to grow and get better.  I need to remember this and start taking better care of my core again. 

Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
Tears stream down your face And I
Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down your face And I
Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you

~Coldplay