Another Kind of Cancer

On May 17, 2011, my husband lost his long battle with depression.  Like a cancer, my husband's illness consumed him.  It's progression was like any other illness except that it was his mind that was effected. Although his body was perfectly healthy, in just a few short months, his illness changed him physically.  He lost weight.  He aged.  He was not himself.  He acted in ways and spoke in ways that were not like him.  The illness completely took over and in the last couple of months, I believe that all we saw were pieces of the real him that came in and out.  My beautiful husband...

This was the day that I had feared for the past thirteen years.  This was the day that caused me to think and speak and act in ways so that I would never have to live it.  This was the day that I had entrusted to pure faith and hoped that it would never arrive.  This was the day that a father, a husband, a son, a brother, and a friend was lost.  This was the day that my husband took his own life.

For the past year, I have kept this story very close to me.  It is a story in which I do believe the whole story needs to be told.  When people have asked me how my husband died, I have answered by telling them that he had been sick, which is absolutely true.  However, it is more complicated than that.  My fear in telling people that my husband died by suicide is that he will be defined by this one act.  As unfathomable and as powerful and as heartbreaking as this one act was, there was a man who had lived a life of 35 years before this final act.  That is why I feel that I need to tell more.  I feel the need to share his life... He had a wonderful life, a life full of experiences that added to his uniqueness and character.  He was a good man, he was a generous person, he was kind and caring, he was dedicated and loyal, he was smart and witty.  He had also been a wonderful and loving husband and father.  He was such a wonderful father.  He lit up my son just as much as my son lit up his world.  To watch them together was my bliss.  They were my family, my everything.

I am not bitter.  I am not angry.  I am deeply saddened.  More than anything, I am aware of how blessed I have been.  This is all because I could look at him and see him for the true man that he was without the sickness, and that man was remarkable.

Our Story

This month of May, which holds the day that changed so many of the lives of people that I know, is a month that I felt was the time to share in more detail the story of us.  What I have shared in the past five months is the story of me.  It holds my thoughts, my perspectives, my discoveries, my pain, my fears, and my hopes.  However, as I reread all of my postings starting from December, I realized that in those words, I have already begun to share the story of us.  It is my hope that what I have shared with you so far was a story of my life that was filled with a great amount of happiness and love.

I believe that love is part of the reason why it has taken me a year, a year of questioning, a year of grieving, and a year of healing to be able to complete the story of us.  My love for my husband was always present just as it is now.  I feel that in this past year, my experiences have brought out from within me a woman who is strong, confident, and one who can speak her mind and express herself in a way that is honest, genuine, and dignified.  I needed to feel comfortable and confident in my abilities to share my story for two reasons, my love for my husband and for the love of my son.

My husband will live on forever with me, with our son, and with the many people who were touched by having him in their lives.  However, the sad truth is that his story is over.  There will be no more experiences, no more laughs, no more memories made by him or with him.  So in the next two days, I have decided to remove the armor and to share with you how our story ended.  I have decided this because of my confidence to do so in a manner that will bring to light the reality of what is now only my life.  There is more to my story to be written and I feel that if it is to be written in a way that will bring me peace and happiness, I do need to let this go.  Sharing only the beginning, only the end, or only the bits and pieces of the in between does not do justice.  I need to share the whole story so that I can move on in a healthy way.  There is one more step in my healing process that I need to reach.  I am not ready for it yet, but after the conclusion of our story, I will be that much closer.

The 4 Agreements

In my quest to find myself, I had to let go and be completely honest with myself about who I am and what I value most to emulate in my everyday life.  In January, when I began The Happiness Project, I listed some words of wisdom and of encouragement as to what I believed was important.  This list came from who I was to a degree, but more than that, the type of person that I wanted to strive to be.

Not too long ago, I came across "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz who wrote his book based on "ancient Toltec wisdom".    These four agreements are meant to help one to live with more integrity, self awareness, and peace.  You may understand why this caught my attention.  I do not plan on making these four agreements my motto to live by.  However, I do see value in them and can see how attempting to live by them could potentially make one's life happier.

So without further ado,

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

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I do not plan on giving updates on how I am doing with each of these agreements.  However, I may mention them from time to time.  Right now, I would like to write about the first agreement and its importance to me in this moment.  

One of my own "commandments" is share your thoughts with tact and dignity.  This has been something that I have tried very hard to do in these past few months.  I have always been an very private person.  I have always been a very shy person as well.  I have seen first hand how important it is to share your thoughts whether they be personal, work related, happy, or sad.  Everyone's thoughts hold value.  How one presents themselves shows their worth.  So, I have stepped out of my box and have begun to share both my inner deep thoughts and more trivial ones as well.  However, no matter the thought, I have truly tried to share them in a classy way, with tact and dignity.  

It is my hope to continue to do just that.  It is also my hope that I present myself in that manner on this blog.  It is important to me to be impeccable with my words during the next couple of weeks as I reflect back and relive the life and the loss with my husband.  I hope that what I do share will be said with such grace so that it will only honor his memory.