One Year

On the one year anniversary of my husband's death, I spent the entire day alone with my son.  My son and I spent the day at the park.  I did not want to start any traditions for this day with my son.  I wanted to make it as simple as possible.  I wanted it to be a day that appreciated the simplest pleasures in life, and it was.

I don't know if it was the release of emotions for the past two weeks, pouring out my heart on this blog over the past few days, or a spiritual presence, but I felt as if I a blanket of peace had been laid upon me that day.  I still felt the hurt and sadness, but I also felt a certain quiet that seemed to slow things down and it took the edge off a bit.

My son was an absolute sweetheart on Thursday.  He is still so young and doesn't understand, but it was as if he somehow knew the significance of this day.  He had hugs for me all day long, hugs that were just random and hugs that I didn't even have to ask for.  In some ways it was bittersweet because he was so happy that day.  He had smiles all day long and laughed and laughed.  It was hard to not to become effected by this mood of his and he completely lifted my spirits.

I say I was alone on this day, but there was an out pour of love and warm thoughts that were sent our way on Thursday.  Whether it was a phone call, a text message, or a bouquet of fruits, I knew that my son and I were in other's thoughts and prayers and that we really were not alone.  <3

Although I did not start a tradition on this day with my son.  I did start one of my own.  I bought a very nice leather bound journal.  I decided that each year, I would write to my husband as if I were talking to him.  I felt that this might be a positive release for me and I also felt that years from now, when my son is older this might be a piece that will be meaningful to him.  It may answer some questions that he may have, it may help him to understand, it may bring him peace, or even a smile brought upon by a memory.  I am not sure, but this is something that I do want to do each year.

I feel as though my writing today is not very eloquent and focused.  These past few days have exhausted me mentally and today is the first day in a few that I actually feel like I have some energy.  So this is where I will end for tonight.

Year one.  The fastest and slowest year of my life.

A Treasure House

I did it again.  It's a new month and I have veered away from my Happiness Project Focus for April.  It was a good one, parenthood.  Well, I shouldn't say that I veered away from it because I didn't completely, I just didn't write more about it as I had planned.

One of the ideas for helping to create a happier home was to "be a treasure house of happy memories."  This includes creating happy moments and traditions.  As some of my more recent posts may have indicated, I am starting to feel more settled here in New York and I am starting to wonder if perhaps this is  "home."  One thing that has lead me to this thought is the acceptance of my current apartment as my home.  I have tried to make it feel more comfy, more me.  I have bought some new decor and like planned, I have spent the last two nights painting.  A little paint can go a long way and I already feel like my apartment is more welcoming, bright, and cheery.  These little changes may not be happy memories, however, the atmosphere that they help to create is part of a treasured house.   I want my son, my family, and my friends to all feel a positive aurora when they step into my home.

This apartment also holds happy and precious memories as well with my husband.  I have many photos of my son and his father in this very apartment.  I know that when it is time for me to leave this place, it will tug at my heartstrings because it does hold our last memories together as a family.  But, what my son and I have are precious photos and videos.  I do not take them out that often.  However, there are plenty of pictures scattered around the apartment for my son to see and two special family photos above his crib.  My son knows his father.

Another idea that Gretchen gives for this topic is to create and uphold family traditions.  I have paid especially close attention to traditions this past year as I have tried to find ways to keep the spirit of my husband alive for our son.  Here are some of our (my son and I) traditions...
     -Father's Day:  Plant Flowers
     -Daddy's Birthday:  Ice Cream Cake
     -Wedding Anniversary:  Send cards of love and appreciation to those people who mean so much
     -Thanksgiving:  Macy's Parade, Turkey and Pies prepared with my husband's recipe
     -Christmas:  Continue the tradition we started on our son's first Christmas with the gift of a special book and inscription inside
     -My Son's Half Birthday:  Make half-moon cookies with his father's recipe
     -Easter:  Tulips, Easter Egg Hunt, Spend day at the park

As I am writing these, I feel like there is so much more that I do on a daily/weekly basis, like mentioning something to my son about his father, etc.  Those tradition above do not include any old family traditions, I just geared them towards my husband's memory.

Those traditions lead us up to this time of the year.  The one year mark is almost here.  I think the heaviness of the anticipation of it is what's going to make it possible to get through it.  I have already started to release some of the emotions.  However, I do not know what to do on this day.  I know that I will not go to work on that day.  I also know that I won't be able to visit the cemetery because my husband is buried in his hometown.  It is too far of a drive with my son for one day back and forth.  I am not sure if I should do something special with my son and make it a tradition or if I should just make it a simple day.  A simple day to enjoy the simple joys of life and to reflect on our lives together.

Just the thought of it now brings tears to my eyes.  This is going to be a tough 16 days to get through.  But we will find a way to get through them as we have for each day of this past year.  Whatever it is that we do on this upcoming day or any day afterwards, tradition or no tradition, I will continue to work diligently to make sure that my son's childhood and beyond are filled with treasured memories of his father, with me, with other family and friends, and full of as many different and positive experiences as I can provide for him.