Fix You

In this past year, I have shared a few songs that were ones I found much comfort in as I tried to heal after the death of my husband.  One of the reasons I had found comfort with these pieces was that they contained no words.  The instrumental pieces may have helped guide my emotions, but the story that they conjured was mine, not the artists'.  

One song that did contain words that I listened to repeatedly was "Fix You" by Coldplay.  There are so many outside factors (both positive and negative) that we rely on to help us through tough times... family, friends, religion, therapy, sex, drugs, etc, etc, etc...  However, the factor that matters most, is you.  It doesn't matter how strong and positive of a support system one may have, if change is going to occur, it truly must come from within.  Unfortunately, I witnessed firsthand the devastation that can occur from one not being able to take care of himself in such a way to truly cope and heal from within.  

This song seemed most fitting for me to dedicate to myself.  Sounds a bit silly, I know.  But the only one that can truly take care of us and fix us is ourselves.  I was surrounded by the love of my family and friends and that meant everything to me.  That helped give me the courage and strength to fix myself so that I could heal and move on in a positive way.  But it was me alone who did not once not get out of bed.  It was me alone who went through my husband's personal belongings and decided what to keep and what to donate.  It was me alone who had to tell my son that his father was dead and that meant that we won't ever be able to see and talk to him again.  So it had to be me alone who had to work through all of the questions and confusion and guilt to make it to where I am today.   

I feel like I am in a very good, healthy place right now.  However, having said that, I feel like I can be in an even better place.  I feel like I have been on an adrenaline rush for the past year.  But lately, I feel like that adrenaline has been diminishing, but I am still moving at the same fast speed.  Exhaustion has started to creep in more and more and I don't like it.  There were many things that I turned to and used as therapy to help me to get to where I am today.  Some of these things I have not been as dedicated to doing as I have once been.  I won't ever be completely fixed or healed, but that doesn't mean that I should stop trying, especially since I do feel good.  No matter what state or place we are in our lives, we are all works in progress and can always continue to grow and get better.  I need to remember this and start taking better care of my core again. 

Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below  
When you're too in love to let it go  
But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
Tears stream down your face And I
Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes  
Tears stream down your face And I
Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you

~Coldplay

Always Do Your Best

It's finally here, the last agreement, "Always Do Your Best."  It sounds so simple, routine.  I even have it posted on my classroom wall as one of my class expectations.  As it is this last agreement that fuels the first three.

"Always do your best, no more and no less."  We are multidimensional human beings.  We are composed of layers and everything around us is alive and changing constantly.  Our ability to do our best changes, even from one moment to the next.  Our health, moods, and feelings can all change and when they do, they directly effect the level that our best may be at in any particular moment.  But, as long as we are doing the best we can in that moment, that is all we can ask of ourselves.

"Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely.  You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything.  But it is the actions that is going to make you feel intensely happy.  When you always do your best, you take action.  Doing your best is taking the actions because you love it, not because you expect a reward."
I found this section in this chapter thought provoking.  Way back when I wrote a few posts about finding what is right for you... as far as where you live, what you do, and who you share your life with.  If you are not living the life that is right for you, I find it hard for one to fully (wholeheartedly to the very core) commit to it.  If that is the case, how can you do your very best?  It would make it very easy to get caught up in the reward rather than doing it for the pure joy and love of it.

"When you do your best, you don't give the Judge (you are the judge) the opportunity to find you guilty or to blame you.  If you have done your best and the Judge tries to judge you according to your Book of Laws, you've got the answer, "I did my best."  There are no regrets... this agreement is really going to set you free."  This section is what really struck a chord with me.  Looking back on my life with my husband it is easy now to notice warning signs or red flags of issues that needed to be addressed.  It is so easy to get caught up in the "what ifs" and just the wonder of what could have been if only...  I made mistakes.  I can see how had I acted differently, perhaps a different result would have occurred, but perhaps maybe not.  However, that line of thinking is only beneficial to the me of the present and the future so that I don't repeat them.  That line of thinking does not change the past or help me to heal from it.  When I think of my actions, at any given moment, I am confident that they were tainted with love.  Pure love, because that is what I felt for my husband.  That knowledge leads me to believe that I did my very best for him, for me, for us, for our family.  I can honestly sit here and say that I have no regrets.  Yes, my mind does wander from time to time to those what ifs... but in those moments, knowing what I knew only then and feeling what I felt back then, I did do the best I could.  I also do not regret the love, the marriage, the life I had with my husband despite how traumatic it ended.  In those moments, I felt happy and I felt loved.  I can also accept and believe that my husband did his best too.  He was a good man.  His best was tainted with love, but it was also tainted with his sickness.  It was eventually that sickness that took over and instead of my husband being able to do his best, his best was to basically fight for mental survival.  I regret his final action for him.  But it was his decision, his action, not mine and I had to learn to accept that.

These 4 Agreements have had a profound effect on me.  When I read this book I was able to make so many connections to not only events that occurred in my life, but random thoughts that I have had throughout my life as well.  In some ways, this book helped to connect some of the dots and to help make sense of some loose ends.  When I have been successful at being impeccable with my word, with not taking things personally, in not making assumptions, and in doing my best... I do believe it if freeing.  I've felt a personal freedom that is extremely peaceful and joyous.  No, no... you will not see me on an infomercial, lol... For me and for me alone this has helped and if that sparks anyone's desire or interest, go for it!  If not... I won't take it personally, lol.

Our Story

This month of May, which holds the day that changed so many of the lives of people that I know, is a month that I felt was the time to share in more detail the story of us.  What I have shared in the past five months is the story of me.  It holds my thoughts, my perspectives, my discoveries, my pain, my fears, and my hopes.  However, as I reread all of my postings starting from December, I realized that in those words, I have already begun to share the story of us.  It is my hope that what I have shared with you so far was a story of my life that was filled with a great amount of happiness and love.

I believe that love is part of the reason why it has taken me a year, a year of questioning, a year of grieving, and a year of healing to be able to complete the story of us.  My love for my husband was always present just as it is now.  I feel that in this past year, my experiences have brought out from within me a woman who is strong, confident, and one who can speak her mind and express herself in a way that is honest, genuine, and dignified.  I needed to feel comfortable and confident in my abilities to share my story for two reasons, my love for my husband and for the love of my son.

My husband will live on forever with me, with our son, and with the many people who were touched by having him in their lives.  However, the sad truth is that his story is over.  There will be no more experiences, no more laughs, no more memories made by him or with him.  So in the next two days, I have decided to remove the armor and to share with you how our story ended.  I have decided this because of my confidence to do so in a manner that will bring to light the reality of what is now only my life.  There is more to my story to be written and I feel that if it is to be written in a way that will bring me peace and happiness, I do need to let this go.  Sharing only the beginning, only the end, or only the bits and pieces of the in between does not do justice.  I need to share the whole story so that I can move on in a healthy way.  There is one more step in my healing process that I need to reach.  I am not ready for it yet, but after the conclusion of our story, I will be that much closer.

Brilliant

This piece is in fact called Brilliant and it was taken by a photographer that I am not very familiar with and I have not yet mentioned here on this blog.  His name is William Carr.  However, this piece, Brilliant, is mine.  That's right, I purchased this piece today.

I have been contemplating for a couple of months now whether or not to actually purchase a piece of fine art photography.  I love it and it makes me happy.  It's more than just that though.  It is something that I have found solace in.  It's comforting, it's peaceful, it has eased my mind and has thus been a part of my healing.

I had been searching Peter Lik's collection, searching for that one piece that spoke to me.  I find so many of the the images to be absolutely breathtaking and beautiful that it was hard for me to make a decision.  Then just the other day, it came to me...

A tree.  I wanted a tree.  Before my husband passed away, I had been talking to him about getting a tattoo of a tree.  We had talked about our love for trees, their beauty, and how trees symbolize life.  It seemed perfect.  I never did get that tattoo and I am not sure now if I ever will.   However, trees also came up again with his mother after his death when she shared with me how my husband described trees to her during a conversation.  He viewed them as a comfort.  Their branches hanging full of leaves like arms that seemed to stretch out wanting to hug and to comfort.

I did in fact find a piece by Peter Lik called "Inner Peace."  When I saw the picture and read the name, it hit me.  That was the one.  Not only is it gorgeous, it is symbolic in so many ways.  So, this morning I went to the Peter Lik gallery to see this piece in person.  It is magnificent. While I was there, I decided to look at other pieces as well.  While all beautiful, I didn't fall in love with any of them.  However, what I did find was that I loved certain elements in each of the ones that I viewed.  I loved the refreshing emerald green grasses and leaves.  I loved the warmth of the red fall leaves.  I loved the sun glimmering through the leaves and the rays that made its way through.  I loved the focus on one tree.  What I realized was that "Inner Peace" didn't have all of those elements either, but "Brilliant" did.  I was very nervous to commit, but once I did, I didn't have a sliver of regret.

This piece is not about owning a fine piece of art.  It's not about being materialistic.  It's not about having a conversation starter when people come over.  The professionalism and quality of this work are appreciated in that it truly makes this piece come to life when it's viewed in person.  But it's so much more than that.  It's about coming home everyday to something that will make me happy and smile.  It's about simple beauty.  It's about finding a link that can connect my old life with my new.  When I look at this piece I am reminded of memories of my husband.  However, I also see what I envisioned when I started this blog and entitled it "Glimmering Through Aspen."  I see a future.  I see hope and I see optimism.  I feel that this piece puts so many of the pieces of my life that seemed to have been scattered back together again.  And it's beautiful.  Simply beautiful.