After rereading my last post, I wanted to go back and clarify my position on feeling "lost." Truth be told, I had felt "lost" for quite a long time, it wasn't just after my mom passed that it emerged. This blog was essentially birthed from my desire to find myself after the death of my first husband.
In the first two years of this blog, I posted over 260 times and during that time I was also seeing a therapist. I was working on myself. I was spilling my thoughts. I was trying to make sense of things. I was trying to figure out who I was at that time. In the summer of 2013, I stopped seeing my therapist. I felt that I was in a position where I outgrew her. Perhaps I should have continued therapy with a new therapist, but I was feeling good. Stronger. More secure. I put so much to rest and felt so much more at peace and while I was not completely healed (is that even possible?) I believed that I was in a good enough place to move on, and I still believe that. I met John in November of that year and I moved on.
However, it didn't take long for that "lost" feeling to reemerge. In January of 2016, I said goodbye to this blog and began a new one. Looking back at those posts from that new blog, it was about living and loving life. I was positive. I was engaged and planning a wedding. I was happy.
It was just after the wedding, in October of 2016, that it was confirmed what my siblings and I thought about my mom, early onset Alzheimer's. She was only 62 and had just retired that summer. It was an excruciating diagnosis. That same fall, my son began to have problems in school. He was having a tough go with his emotions. He had been sent to the guidance counselor a few times, one time I had to pick him up early because he had scratched his own face so badly (yep... he was turning his emotions inward and I cannot even begin to tell you how terrifying that was). He started to see an outside therapist. Oh, and my best friend was diagnosed with cancer.
It was not an easy time. I actually found meditation in the spring of 2017. I took an 8-week weekly (in-person) workshop. (This will become more significant as I catch up more with more up-to-date posts.) I was recently married to my amazing (as I had so often referred to the person that I would eventually end up with here on this blog) and felt that I was OKAY, just everyone around me seemed to be falling apart (hadn't that happened before?).
In December of 2018 (weeks after turning 40, which was difficult for me) I started yet another blog. This one was titled, "Discovering Your WAY" where WAY stood for "Who Are You." YEP... I was lost. I had lost myself again. I knew that I had, yet I didn't really know that I had.
That blog focused on running, traveling, maintaining friendships, living in NYC, yoga, meditation, healthy living... all of the things that were important to me then (they still are today) but I think what I was searching for was a way to combine all of these things that I loved, that were important to me and make some sort of sense of them. They all seemed so random and disconnected. I think now that it was just me. I just felt disconnected... from myself, from others, from everything.
(So to say that I felt "lost" began in 2021 is not completely accurate. It was knocking at my door in 2018. It just busted the door in 2021.
Ironically, the last post before this most recent resurrection was dated May 16, 2018. I reread it and the significant events of 2017-2018 are what I just posted in this post and then some. I have documentation that I was in a tough place and ultimately by the end of the year, when I started that new blog, I felt lost.)
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