It was almost exactly three years ago when something began to feel not right. I wasn't sure what it meant or even where it came from but it was a feeling that emerged from deep within and became impossible to ignore.
It was in April of that same year, only months prior, that my mother passed away. By June, I couldn't help but think, "This is it. This is my life?" I had no idea where this was coming from. I had never thought or even felt that way before my mother's passing. So in the beginning I tried to push those feelings back down telling myself it was some sort of mid-life crisis awakening due to the reality of losing a parent.
I didn't tell my husband these feelings that I was having. I couldn't explain them. I didn't know where they were coming from and I knew even then that I couldn't just say those words to him. He would have taken them very personally and I didn't want to hurt him. At that time, I didn't think it had anything to do with my marriage.
Other than the heartache of losing my mom, life was good. Very good. My husband was my best friend. We got along. We laughed. We went out on dates. We took awesome vacations as a family and just as a couple. My relationship with my family was good. We became even closer during the sickness that overtook my mom. I had friends. My son... he was healthy and doing well. I didn't have much to complain about.
When those feelings would not stay buried, I turned them against myself. "What is wrong with me?" I have always been on a quest for self-growth through self-help books, quotes, and practices (this blog) but this seemed different. It became more of an obsession. I was too old to feel so "lost" and unsure of myself and my inability to identify what was bothering me so much and why.
This was the beginning of my truest and most authentic journey to self-discovery... and it was also the beginning to the end of my marriage.
(This is a prime example of me being a people pleaser. I put his feelings above my own. I have no doubt that he would not have reacted in a supportive way, but what I have also learned is that I controlled the situation by not expressing myself. I didn't give him a chance to react either way. Essentially I manipulated the situation. That is such a hard truth to swallow. It never occurred to me that what I was doing was wrong. It was a natural reaction for me to keep the peace and it was never done with bad intention. I didn't realize that my intention didn't necessarily matter, the impact that it made was not positive and it took me 45 years of life to learn that.)
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