Viva Las Vegas!

Well, I did it!  I just got back from Las Vegas and we both survived.  All things considered, everything was perfect. :)

First off, let me just say that I hate flying.  I do.  I hate it.  It just feels... unnatural.  However, I would never let this hate (okay, it's more of a fear) stop me from going anywhere.  But, all of my flights were very smooth and I don't think I had that worried look on my face (you know the one like a deer caught in headlights) not once.  I was also very lucky in that I returned back to New York just before some pretty bad weather with very high winds, phew.

Now for Vegas... I arrived late Monday night and have to admit that I crashed in my room as soon as I arrived.  I stayed in the Stratosphere.  I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but I also wouldn't not recommend it either.  It was on the north end, but what bothered me most was how isolated it was.  However, my room was very nice and I got to go up to the top for free!

Looking down at The Strip from the top of my hotel.

Tuesday.  Ahhh, Tuesday.  I had a date with a day spa where I received a mud wrap, massage, and facial.  It was wonderful.  It was expensive.  It was worth every penny.  Some people may feel that spending money on such things as spas is about vanity.  Let me tell you, it's about sanity.  It is therapeutic and it is so very sensual.  My skin felt so soft and I just felt very sexy.  Feeling sexy leads to feeling confident and you need that when you are vacationing by yourself.  Seriously. 

After my spa date, I decided to trek down to "The Strip."  I decided to walk because first, I didn't think it was that far and second because walking is just so much more personal.  I really did enjoy it.  I walked in and out of many of the hotels and casinos.  They really are amazing!  However, that was the first and only time I walked to or from my hotel to where all the action was, lol.  My favorites from Tuesday...

The Bellagio from the top of the Eiffel Tower!
The water show was pretty cool too.  

One of my favorites was this glass "ceiling" inside of The Bellagio.

I also indulged culinarily Tuesday (actually every day).  Yum!

Wednesday I took a tour bus to the Grand Canyon.  I highly recommend visiting the Grand Canyon if you are ever in the area.  I can't quite describe it.  It's rock.  It wasn't beautiful.  It was magnificent.  It was breathtaking.  I also did the sky walk which allowed me to walk out over the canyon in a glass enclosed walkway (including glass floor).  Unfortunately, you can't bring a camera so I don't have any pictures to show of that experience.

Pictures just don't do it justice.

I climbed to the top of this one... the views were amazing!

I did meet two people on this bus excursion.  I met a woman named Jennifer.  She happened to be alone because her husband was in Vegas for business and we got along great!  We spent the whole day together and it was so much fun.  The other was Chris.  He did a helicopter tour (which according to him was beyond words) so we didn't spend too much time together at the Grand Canyon, but we did chat on the bus.  He actually asked me if I wanted to join him that night to go out clubbing.  He seemed really nice and it was Vegas, so naturally, I said...no.  Lol, I can't be reckless or stupid.  I had my own kind of fun later that night!

I almost forgot... The Hoover Dam, very cool as well!

Technology is really an amazing thing.  I'm talking about a specific type of technology, the smart phone.  Or more specifically, because I am biased, my iPhone.  Throughout this trip, even though I was physically alone, I never really felt truly alone.  Between texting, talking, and Facebook, a friend was never far away.  So Wednesday night, I got dressed up and went out for a fabulous dinner at the MGM Grand.  Afterwards, I walked around and found a few galleries and fell in love (with the photography) and ended the night by watching The Bellagio's water show at night.  It would have been nice to share this night with someone, but I didn't feel alone either.  

These are actually seats, I don't know why, I just love this photo.

Finally Thursday, my last day.  I really didn't do too much.  I made my way down to Caesar's Palace, which I had not yet been in, and found yet another gallery which I thoroughly enjoyed.  Then I went back to my hotel and just laid out by the pool.  It was nice to just sit and do nothing!  I went out for another nice dinner and then hopped the red eye flight back home.  My vacation was over.

I am so glad that I decided to take this vacation.  Las Vegas had never really been on my list of places to go, but it was actually a great place for me to go.  There was plenty to do and yet I didn't feel like 3 days wasn't enough time there either.  I didn't feel uncomfortable being by myself, not once.  It was a wonderful getaway that I truly needed.

My son... how I love him.  He stayed with my parents (whom I am so grateful towards for watching him) and he was just wonderful.  I was really worried about him sleeping at night, but he did great!  I am just so proud of him.  I am writing this with tears in my eyes... he has been through so much this year.  Even though he is very young and doesn't fully realize all that happened, he knows that his father is no longer here and he must feel that loss.  My husband's death brought about many changes in both my life and my son's and he has adjusted so well.  I knew that he would be well taken of with my parents, but just knowing that he is secure enough to be happy in a new situation, just made me happy.  I was able to relax and enjoy myself all the more.  

Proofs of Love

I've been a mucho slacker on this lately.  I've been extremely busy which has made me extremely tired which led me to feel like my writing would be dull and I don't want to post anything half baked.  I've got lots to write about, my venture into the dating world, Maine, and The Happiness Project and I am so happy to have the time tonight to sit and write.

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I would take this quote that I happened to find in The Happiness Project and share it with you.  "There is no love; there are only proofs of love" (Pierre Reverdy).

Love is such a funny thing.  We love our children, our significant others, our parents, our siblings, our other family members, our friends, and our pets.  But we also love movies, songs, food, books, etc, etc, etc.  Such a random gathering all falling under the same word, love.

I want to explore the type of love that doesn't need a label.  The type of love that you know exists because you can feel it.  It is warm and it is genuine and it is happiness inside and out.  It is a place where you want to go when you are up or down or anything in between because you know that you will be received in the same manner no matter how you present yourself.  It's a place where you are truly accepted and because of that, you feel comfortable with yourself and you want to share yourself completely because you know that it is safe to.  You also know that the more that you put in, you will receive back tenfold.

You don't have hear the words "I love you," because you are given instead these proofs of love.  These proofs are in the way you are looked at.  The way in which you are spoken to and listened to.  The way in which you are touched.  The way in which you are made to laugh. The way in which you learn and grow.  And the way in which you never cease to be amazed.

I love... proofs of love.  <3

Oh, the Comfort!

"But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely.  Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person- having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."
~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

I love this quote.  It's more than communication, it's about genuine and true acceptance.  It is intimacy to the very core.  I think it would take a very strong, open and loving spirit to to give you this comfort.  A soulmate.

Maine

Wow, look at that, I already have story to tell.  This one actually began almost five months ago.  It all started on my mini-vacation to Maine...

This summer, as I was getting my hair done, I was reading a magazine and came across an article about a quaint little town in Maine.  It sounded absolutely wonderful and it was only about five hours away from New York City. So, when a long weekend came around at the end of September, guess where I was?  You got it, Maine! 

I didn't go alone, I took my son with me.  I figured as long as there is a park to run around and a beach to play at, we'd be good to go.  However, that wasn't so much the case.  My son has a hard time sleeping outside of our home.  This weekend was no different, except for the fact that he wouldn't take a typically given nap in his stroller.  My weekend of relaxation turned more into one of exhaustion. 

On the last day of our visit, my son had finally fallen asleep after what felt like miles and miles of my walking around this tiny town.  I found a bench near the ocean and just sat.  It was sunny, it was warm, it was gorgeous.  That's all that I had wanted from this trip. 

I was enjoying my time of serenity when I heard someone walk up behind me and then found a seat at the other end of my bench!  What made it worse was that he started talking to me, about the weather!?!  I was so annoyed and all I could think to myself was, "Don't you dare wake up that baby!!"

Then I turned and looked.  OMG, he was really good looking, hot!  Good thing for him, because it earned him a pass and we chatted for 30-45 minutes (I'm not quite sure).  He had recently moved to this town, but was from the general area.  He was an ER nurse.  He was an avid swimmer and it was I who was actually in his spot.  He came to this point to swim laps in the ocean (who does that?), but sat when he noticed me instead.  He did talk alot about himself, but he didnt' seem arrogant.  He seemed kind and he did ask me questions too.

I was not prepared for him.  (I just shared with you in my last post my lack of experience in dating and all that flirtation and whatever else goes with the territory.)  Afterwards, I felt like an idiot for stumbling with my answers, asking rigid questions, and just being... awkward.  Also, it had only been 4 months since my husband passed and getting hit on was just not on my list of things to do.  I could've done with out.  However, despite all of that, he asked me for my e-mail and he got it.  So as he hopped on his motorcycle (why didn't I hear it before?), and drove off (shirtless), I was left with two questions... 1.  McDreamy?  and 2.  WTF just happened? 

About a week later I did receive an e-mail.  It was very friendly and he had remembered some things that I had told him, which I thought was nice.  So, I responded and... that was it.  I heard no more of this motorcycle riding, dreamy nurse.  Even though I wasn't looking for anything, I was still disappointed.  I wondered why he bothered to write me to begin with.  After about two months, I was feeling saucy one day and I decided to write him out of the blue and basically tell him that it was too bad he never bothered to write me back because I would've been worth it.  Sure enough, I received a response later that day.  I had decided before my saucy exchange that he wasn't into me and that I wouldn't respond to him under no circumstances, and I didn't.

So today I was looking through my e-mail account and I noticed that I received an e-mail from Maine.  I opened it and he had sent me some photos of the ocean taken from the spot where we had met.  Now this e-mail was from early January and our last exchange had been in November.  Hmm...?  Funny how the day after I pronounce my toe dipping I should come across this.  I am not saying its a sign, but I decided that enough time had past to start over perhaps?  I decided to respond.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.  Until then, I will continue to move on in my own way and in my own time and see where that leads me.  

Dipping My Toes

This new month may begin a new chapter in my life and a new chapter of entertainment for all of you "Glimmering..." blog readers.  I had really felt that with the opening of this new year, I might be ready to get out there again.  So although I had given myself "permission," when it came down to it, I just didn't feel ready in January.  However, even though it's only the second day of February, I now feel ready.  I don't really know why now, but I think it has to do with all of the things I had worked so hard at in January.  I was busy tying up loose ends, organizing my apartment, crossing things off of my "to-do" list, and what all of those accomplishments created was a sense of peace in my life.  I feel like I have my life in order.  I am confident in who I am and what I want and I am now willing to dip my toes into the dating pool.

I have only told the people I am closest with that I am about to take this plunge.  It's not necessarily that I want to keep it a secret, it's just that I am not sure if I am truly ready and I won't know until I actually get out there.  If I feel that I am not, I know that I can always pull out and wait until I feel more comfortable.  However, despite feeling like I am ready now, the thought of dating again has brought about a variety of emotions.

My mood right now is a good one, so I am going to focus on just one of these emotions, and that is plain and simple, I'm nervous.  I say this with somewhat of a chuckle however.  I am 33 years old and the only person that I have ever dated was the man I ended up marrying.  I met him when I was just shy of 19, my first semester in college, and I was with him ever since.  I had never dated anyone in high school.  I had been out of a couple of dates, but that was about it.  I'm not really sure why that was, it seems so long ago.  From my recollection, I think that the guys that I liked didn't like me and the guys that liked me, I didn't like, so I didn't date.  Looking back on it now, I wish that I had dated more back then.  I wish I had taken advantage of getting to know different people and having more experiences.  However, at the same time, it was high school.  I grew up in a small town and I am not sure exactly how much I missed out on.

So I am nervous because this is all such unfamiliar territory for me.  I am sure to have many awkward moments, but if nothing else, I will have some funny stories to share on my blog, lol.  I am not going to pressure myself in any way, but one of my other emotions is excitement.  I am hopeful and optimistic and for now, positive feelings are good and I am going to go with it.

January

Despite there being a few days left in this month, I've decided to take today to look back at this month through the eyes of The Happiness Project.  I have to admit that I am really proud of myself for all that I accomplished this month and I'd like to share that with you.

This month's focus was vitality and to help achieve this, there were five main suggestions given by the author, whom I will from now on refer to as just 'Gretchen.'  They were go to sleep earlier, exercise better, organize, tackle nagging tasks, and act more energetic.  Now, I'll give you the rundown on how and what I did.

Go to Sleep Earlier
Lol... I think I went to sleep later this past month.  My son goes to sleep around 7:30 which is a great because it gives me a good amount of "free time" each night.  However, between cleaning, picking up, doing other household chores, chatting with friends/family, blogging, and sometimes just relaxing, that time goes by soo fast.  I added go to sleep before 11:00 on my list of things to do, but I rarely check it off.  This is one area that I do want to strive to achieve because I have noticed that it effects me in the morning and prevents me from checking off things that I want to achieve in the morning to start off my day on the right foot.  Like, I would really like to sit down and eat breakfast each day with my son.  Most days I skip breakfast, so I want to actually eat breakfast for health reasons and I would like to do it with my son just for that extra time together.  However, I have a bad habit of snoozing too much.  If I went to bed earlier, I wouldn't have to snooze, I'd have more time to eat breakfast with my son, and I would have time to quick pick up before (not rushing) to work!  That would make me so much happier!!

Exercise Better
Yay!  This one I actually was successful at and I have incorporated it into my weekly routines.  I'm talking about going to they gym exercise, ugh.  Atleast that's how I used to feel.  I am taking two classes at the gym, Pilate's and Yoga Stretch.  I find both of them to be very relaxing.  I love the core and lengthening work of Pilate's and I end my week with a Yoga Stretch which just feels unbelievable. Yup, it's that good.  I also do some lighter cardio on those two days and on the third day that I go, it's straight running.  Thanks to babysitting, I am able to make it to the gym three times a week, and I feel more energetic, more confident, and even a bit more sexy.

Organize
I am not going to say too much about this one since I have already dedicated a whole posting to it.  I'll just say that organizing has helped me to feel more relaxed and comfortable in my home.  I feel that being uncluttered has helped me to spend less time picking up, which is great because it gives me more time to do other things!

Nagging Tasks
I started this month off with about 10 nagging tasks and I am going to end it with about three.  Being able to cross off seven of these tasks has been such a big relief.  Many of these tasks had been some loose ends that I needed to take care of since my husband's passing and it feels good to not have to worry about them anymore.
I won't go into details on all of my tasks, but one in particular that brought me a great amount of relief was the making of my will.  My husband and I didn't have one and it would have helped make things much easier for me when I had to take care of personal matters.  Now, making out a will was all about my son.  I wanted to make sure he is taken care of physically, emotionally, and financially and I am assured now that he will be.  It's weird, hand choosing the people you want to raise your child in your absence.  In some ways it was a difficult decision, in some ways it was very easy.  This was an area that my husband and I did discuss and I have decided to leave my son to the people that we had decided on together.  Despite having siblings, we had decided to leave our son to my best friend from high school and her husband.  All things considered, I believe at this time, they are the best people to raise my son.  I am comfortable with this decision.  I am happy with this decision.  I just hope that it will never have to come to this.  But should it, I know I will be able to rest peacefully.

Act More Energetic
I didn't really do anything specifically to tackle this one.  I figured that if I was spending so much time and energy exercising, organizing, and running around taking care of my nagging tasks then that in itself was acting more energetic.  And since I feel like this month was a success and that Gretchen would have given me a pat on the back, I would say I did good here too.

All in all, I feel like I accomplished most of what I set out to do this month.  There are a few things that will just have to roll over into the next month and there will always be a list of things to do.  However, I do feel like I am happier and I am looking forward to becoming even more happy as I continue on with this book in the remaining 11 months of the year.

Words

I have been lacking in words as it has been nearly a week since I last posted.  This past week had just been a tough one, and I needed to just be.  One thing that I learned is that you need to feel your feelings so that they don't get trapped within, especially the bad ones, and can then be released.  Enough time has passed so that most of my feelings come quickly and go quickly and I am able to move on with my day without any real disturbance.  This past week, the feelings came, but didn't go quickly, and I have to admit that I got a little stuck in them.  I was able to still function and carry on with my day, but there were thoughts in the back of my head that were distracting me from doing things, such a blog, that have helped me to move on in a positive way.

Words... Words are very powerful.  Call me old-fashioned, but I find such a romantic element to little notes and letters that come from someone's mind rather than a mass produced card or a text message that's read in between checking a Facebook status, driving, and talking to a BFF. 

My treasure that I found while rummaging through all of our "stuff" were words.  My husband had saved letters, notes, and cards (with personal notes inside) that I had given to him from the very beginning of us.  I also have my share of the same that I saved as well and those were just the things that I had been searching for.  Words are powerful.  I found that reading these exchanges brought back a genuine memory, even more so than a picture.  The words described how we were feeling and our thoughts in that moment and nothing is more authentic than that. 

I also came across journals.  Journals from years ago, both mine and his.  Neither one of us was into journaling so much, so most of the books were left blank, but there were some intimate thoughts that were shared from time to time.  These journals were what got me stuck.  My journals posted back from 1999 and I had written about both good and bad things that were happening in our relationship at the time.  It's funny what can be a trigger and what emotions that trigger can release. The journals released in me, an enormous amount of confusion.  Why? Why? Why? 

These are questions that can never be completely answered.  People are always looking for answers and for closure when they lose someone that they love.  I don't think we are able to completely and absolutely accept their loss so to some extent these thoughts are never completely settled.  However, they do need to be addressed and they do need to be put at bay in order to move on in a healthy way.  Right now, I am learning how to accept my confusion and my unanswered questions and to move on with the things that I do know.  This is what I know... I loved my husband and he loved me and I am happy for the time in this life that I had with him.  I am blessed that I have our son to love and to carry on with into a future that is ours.