Thursday, November 1, 2012

Exposed

I've been having a very difficult time finding words lately as I have mentioned in my last post.  This still holds true and perhaps even more so as I continue my journey in moving on with my life.  I am now in unchartered waters as I begin to take steps in developing a real relationship with a man whom I deem to be wonderful.

Despite the amount of patience, understanding, and respect that this man has shown me and despite how comfortable I feel when I am with him, I just have not yet been able to find the words to tell him about the past.  At first, it didn't seem to matter.  It was very early and it was most important to just get to know one another at a basic level.  We are past that and as we see more and more of each other, I am starting to feel the heaviness of my story, my life weigh on me as I put it off.  I am beginning to find it difficult to share my true self with him because I feel as if I am leaving out this big chunk of my life that has so profoundly changed my perspectives, my thoughts... me.

The story is not that my husband took his own life.  That is only the tragic end to the story of us.  My story dates back almost exactly 15 years to when I first met him. I feel as if I need to start from there and share certain events and most importantly who I was and who I came to be throughout the years and how in almost some tragic poetic tale everything came together to create a perfect storm.  I want to continue to tell him what those last few months were like.  I want to share with him my thoughts and feelings so that he will understand the actions that I had to take to protect myself and my son.  I want to share the events that happened that caused me to take the actions that I did.  I want him to know my pain and heartache... I want him to know my hell so that he can both understand and appreciate what it took for me to be sitting next to him.

More than anything, I want him to know that all that I just did was share my life.  I want him to understand that I did not just dump a burden or my baggage onto him.  I want him to know that they belong to me and me only and that I have acknowledged them and dealt with them and that I carry a light load.  I have not been bogged down by the darkness of my past and I am in no way passing it on to him.

He is wonderful, but I am not sure if he is amazing, my amazing.  However, I feel that after sharing this, I can just completely let go and be me.  That wasn't something that I was able to do in the past.  It's scary to be that exposed, but I trust him.  I believe that in order to find amazing, that risk needs to be taken.  I think he is worth it too.  

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