Perspective. I have always tried to see the two sides of any situation. I did so almost to a fault. Some people see black or white. I always saw gray. I pulled from both ends and what I ended up with was a muddled perspective in which I found myself stuck in. I was stuck because I wasn't able to make a decision and take a stance one way or another.
I acknowledge that there are times and situations in which a definitive stand is both necessary and appropriate. However, that is not always the case. I think it is more often the case for those who see through lenses of either black or white to limit themselves to a vast variety of possibilities.
People, situations, life... it is all multi-dimensional. We are so interconnected with one another that it is difficult to say that there are only two sides. We all have so many layers and dimensions... that is what makes us all so unique, yet potentially complicated at the same time. We rely so heavily on our own experiences and despite how different each of our experiences and the mindsets we all have in those experiences, we use that knowledge to help us chose a side and make a decision on how we choose to look at a person or a situation.
I now look through completely different lenses and no longer see a muddled gray. It has taken me a great amount of time and patience, acceptance, self discovery, and therapy to look through the lenses and see both black and white individually and simultaneously.
In one of my very first posts, which happened to be almost exactly one year ago, I wrote "The Comfort to Just Be." It was in this post that I shared a piano piece, "The Promise" that seemed to capture what I was feeling at that time... a deep sadness, peace, and hope. I remember feeling unsettled in feeling such sadness and at the same time having feelings that seemed to be on the other side of the spectrum in peace and hope. It is interesting for me to be able to look back at that post and see the beginning steps in this transformation, if you will, that may actually be the most important element in my healing.
A suicide is a death far different than any other. It is a complicated death. It leaves those left behind with an endless amount of questions, what-ifs, and even guilt. I am no stranger to those thoughts. However, they must be confronted and addressed to move on, even if there are no answers, redoes, or second chances. For me, when I looked back on our years together it is not hard to find happy memories. At the same time, it is not hard to find even some of those same happy times somehow tainted, tainted by which I can now see as severe side effects of a mental illness left untreated for far too long. Sometimes looking back on it, it makes me feel sad for me, for us. But what I have to remind myself is how I felt in that moment. And for the majority of those moments, that spanned for over 13 years, I was truly happy and I adored him. I loved him endlessly, even as I had to step away hoping that he would focus on himself and his health.
I see black and white as an intricate weave. Sometimes there is more black than white, and vice versa. Sometimes they are so intricately woven that it is hard to decipher, however, they are still both there as separate entities.
I don't think that I am any "better" at picking one side over the other. However, I am no longer stuck either. I can accept that polar opposites can coexist. It doesn't necessarily make things more settled, but it is the acceptance that is the key. Choosing to accept... that settles the desire to choose one way over the other.
I acknowledge that there are times and situations in which a definitive stand is both necessary and appropriate. However, that is not always the case. I think it is more often the case for those who see through lenses of either black or white to limit themselves to a vast variety of possibilities.
People, situations, life... it is all multi-dimensional. We are so interconnected with one another that it is difficult to say that there are only two sides. We all have so many layers and dimensions... that is what makes us all so unique, yet potentially complicated at the same time. We rely so heavily on our own experiences and despite how different each of our experiences and the mindsets we all have in those experiences, we use that knowledge to help us chose a side and make a decision on how we choose to look at a person or a situation.
I now look through completely different lenses and no longer see a muddled gray. It has taken me a great amount of time and patience, acceptance, self discovery, and therapy to look through the lenses and see both black and white individually and simultaneously.
In one of my very first posts, which happened to be almost exactly one year ago, I wrote "The Comfort to Just Be." It was in this post that I shared a piano piece, "The Promise" that seemed to capture what I was feeling at that time... a deep sadness, peace, and hope. I remember feeling unsettled in feeling such sadness and at the same time having feelings that seemed to be on the other side of the spectrum in peace and hope. It is interesting for me to be able to look back at that post and see the beginning steps in this transformation, if you will, that may actually be the most important element in my healing.
A suicide is a death far different than any other. It is a complicated death. It leaves those left behind with an endless amount of questions, what-ifs, and even guilt. I am no stranger to those thoughts. However, they must be confronted and addressed to move on, even if there are no answers, redoes, or second chances. For me, when I looked back on our years together it is not hard to find happy memories. At the same time, it is not hard to find even some of those same happy times somehow tainted, tainted by which I can now see as severe side effects of a mental illness left untreated for far too long. Sometimes looking back on it, it makes me feel sad for me, for us. But what I have to remind myself is how I felt in that moment. And for the majority of those moments, that spanned for over 13 years, I was truly happy and I adored him. I loved him endlessly, even as I had to step away hoping that he would focus on himself and his health.
I see black and white as an intricate weave. Sometimes there is more black than white, and vice versa. Sometimes they are so intricately woven that it is hard to decipher, however, they are still both there as separate entities.
I don't think that I am any "better" at picking one side over the other. However, I am no longer stuck either. I can accept that polar opposites can coexist. It doesn't necessarily make things more settled, but it is the acceptance that is the key. Choosing to accept... that settles the desire to choose one way over the other.
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