It has been 6 months since I stepped foot into Prospect Park for a run. Six months! I stopped mid-October because for the first time ever I had fall allergies that kicked my butt! By the time I felt better, it was getting dark super early and then it has just been so wicked cold for so long. But today... today was the day.
I am not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. I hate it. Every. Single. Step. But that's partly why I do it. The sense of accomplishment when I finish feels great and so I was actually looking forward to this first of the year run.
Let me reiterate how terrible of a runner I am by mentioning that I hit my wall about 200 yards in. Seriously, lol. In some ways that was a good thing because after I broke that, I actually felt pretty good. And that, allowed me to do some thinking.
Six months ago... it was October, smack in the middle of my most favorite of all seasons, fall. The leaves had changed colors by then and were in the middle of losing their leaves. The park was beautiful and I enjoyed the changes that I noticed from September when I started until October.
I thought about what was going on in my life back in the fall. The Professor. That's who I was talking with at the time. He was a marathon runner. And I remember thinking about how awful it would be to run with him... how he'd probably do two or three laps to my one, lol. But it also helped motivate me too, in a way. Even though I was talking to the professor and had gone on a few dates with him, we weren't a couple. Heck, I didn't even know what and how I really felt about him. But I do know that last fall I couldn't help but to think of Jesse. He lived right across the street from the park and I couldn't help but to think about him every time I passed by his building. Hoping and not hoping to see him, even though I know he didn't run, wouldn't be able to see me from his building, and would have been at work anyways. He was still on my mind back then.
Today... I thought about those things only as reflections of where I was six months ago. Today, I am in a relationship with a man whom I believe is my amazing! Friday will mark our 5 month anniversary. But even more than that, we have become so much in just 5 short months that we are planning on moving in together in August. Yep... you read that right. We are moving in!
I left my last post by saying that emotions are running high. Indeed they are. For many reasons... the main one being that I am in this amazing relationship with this amazing man and we are taking it to the next level in a rather short amount of time. It is not being rushed. There is no pressure. It's just... right. But that doesn't mean that there aren't an enormous amount of emotions that go along with it.
One being fear. Funny that this post was interrupted by a 90 minute heartfelt telephone conversation about this very topic with said man. We have many of the same feelings, but they stem from very different places. For me, the idea and future reality of moving is exciting. However, they have stirred up thoughts of Dale which has taken away some of that excitement admittedly.
When I first met my New Yorker, he showed me what a healthy relationship was. And it was amazing! I remember how it made me sad though that I wasn't able to feel that refreshing and alive feeling of being part of such a healthy relationship with Dale. It even woke up feelings of guilt because I was able to experience these things with the New Yorker when there always seemed to be something not quite right with Dale. However, recently, the good feelings I have with my New Yorker have been reminding me of the good feelings that I had with Dale. And to be completely honest, I have really missed Dale lately.
Things did not end well. Obviously. But I mean more than his death. We did not end well. To call the last four months a nightmare would be an understatement. But even before that, things were not good for awhile and when he left, I was left with the more recent unhappy memories rather than the happy ones. The happy ones seemed tainted through all of my confusion about what was real and what wasn't. Even now, there are still so many questions that I don't and will never have the answers to.
But I loved him. So very much. And I had wondered how and why I was able to cope as well as I had when I lost someone that I truly loved with all of my heart, despite all that had happened. It has taken nearly three years and finding someone that I find to be truly amazing to remind me of what Dale's love felt like. Sounds completely bizarre doesn't it? But it's true. My New Yorker loves me completely and genuinely. That I know for certain. And it was during some recent quiet times where a look and a hug that showed that true affection towards me took me back to my past. A past that I can never ever go back to. A past that I have accepted and have worked so hard not to get stuck in. However, my New Yorker gave me a little piece of it and it was a gift. It was a reminder that I could actually feel to my very core that everything that I have gone through with Dale, was worth it. His love was different than my New Yorkers, but it was genuine just the same.
That reminder is what has raised the level of emotions. That, and this is that time of year... that dreadful time where I can think back to what was going on three years ago. The countdown to the end. This too has to be a contributing factor into all of these emotions that I have been having.
But this tangent has a point, a connection to running. Today was a super windy day. Of course it hit me head on as I was running up the hill. As if the 6 month break didn't make it difficult enough for me. The wind was relentless. It made it hard to move forward. It made it hard to breathe. It tightened my chest just as my muscles themselves were tightening up. As this was happening, I couldn't help but to think that is how I feel in my life right now. I want to keep moving forward. I know what is waiting for me at the end, and I want it. I have no doubts about that. But there are some things holding me back like the wind and they hurt.
I never stopped and I finished today only two minutes behind my fastest time on this route. I'm proud of that. I know that I just need to push through these emotions too. In actuality, they are not a bad thing. It's just that they have been the good reminders that are coming at the time when I need to let go of more. The seasons have changed... the trees now have buds. The magnolias and tulips are now out. Time has moved on and I need to keep doing the same.
There is so much for me to look forward to.
I am not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. I hate it. Every. Single. Step. But that's partly why I do it. The sense of accomplishment when I finish feels great and so I was actually looking forward to this first of the year run.
Let me reiterate how terrible of a runner I am by mentioning that I hit my wall about 200 yards in. Seriously, lol. In some ways that was a good thing because after I broke that, I actually felt pretty good. And that, allowed me to do some thinking.
Six months ago... it was October, smack in the middle of my most favorite of all seasons, fall. The leaves had changed colors by then and were in the middle of losing their leaves. The park was beautiful and I enjoyed the changes that I noticed from September when I started until October.
I thought about what was going on in my life back in the fall. The Professor. That's who I was talking with at the time. He was a marathon runner. And I remember thinking about how awful it would be to run with him... how he'd probably do two or three laps to my one, lol. But it also helped motivate me too, in a way. Even though I was talking to the professor and had gone on a few dates with him, we weren't a couple. Heck, I didn't even know what and how I really felt about him. But I do know that last fall I couldn't help but to think of Jesse. He lived right across the street from the park and I couldn't help but to think about him every time I passed by his building. Hoping and not hoping to see him, even though I know he didn't run, wouldn't be able to see me from his building, and would have been at work anyways. He was still on my mind back then.
Today... I thought about those things only as reflections of where I was six months ago. Today, I am in a relationship with a man whom I believe is my amazing! Friday will mark our 5 month anniversary. But even more than that, we have become so much in just 5 short months that we are planning on moving in together in August. Yep... you read that right. We are moving in!
I left my last post by saying that emotions are running high. Indeed they are. For many reasons... the main one being that I am in this amazing relationship with this amazing man and we are taking it to the next level in a rather short amount of time. It is not being rushed. There is no pressure. It's just... right. But that doesn't mean that there aren't an enormous amount of emotions that go along with it.
One being fear. Funny that this post was interrupted by a 90 minute heartfelt telephone conversation about this very topic with said man. We have many of the same feelings, but they stem from very different places. For me, the idea and future reality of moving is exciting. However, they have stirred up thoughts of Dale which has taken away some of that excitement admittedly.
When I first met my New Yorker, he showed me what a healthy relationship was. And it was amazing! I remember how it made me sad though that I wasn't able to feel that refreshing and alive feeling of being part of such a healthy relationship with Dale. It even woke up feelings of guilt because I was able to experience these things with the New Yorker when there always seemed to be something not quite right with Dale. However, recently, the good feelings I have with my New Yorker have been reminding me of the good feelings that I had with Dale. And to be completely honest, I have really missed Dale lately.
Things did not end well. Obviously. But I mean more than his death. We did not end well. To call the last four months a nightmare would be an understatement. But even before that, things were not good for awhile and when he left, I was left with the more recent unhappy memories rather than the happy ones. The happy ones seemed tainted through all of my confusion about what was real and what wasn't. Even now, there are still so many questions that I don't and will never have the answers to.
But I loved him. So very much. And I had wondered how and why I was able to cope as well as I had when I lost someone that I truly loved with all of my heart, despite all that had happened. It has taken nearly three years and finding someone that I find to be truly amazing to remind me of what Dale's love felt like. Sounds completely bizarre doesn't it? But it's true. My New Yorker loves me completely and genuinely. That I know for certain. And it was during some recent quiet times where a look and a hug that showed that true affection towards me took me back to my past. A past that I can never ever go back to. A past that I have accepted and have worked so hard not to get stuck in. However, my New Yorker gave me a little piece of it and it was a gift. It was a reminder that I could actually feel to my very core that everything that I have gone through with Dale, was worth it. His love was different than my New Yorkers, but it was genuine just the same.
That reminder is what has raised the level of emotions. That, and this is that time of year... that dreadful time where I can think back to what was going on three years ago. The countdown to the end. This too has to be a contributing factor into all of these emotions that I have been having.
But this tangent has a point, a connection to running. Today was a super windy day. Of course it hit me head on as I was running up the hill. As if the 6 month break didn't make it difficult enough for me. The wind was relentless. It made it hard to move forward. It made it hard to breathe. It tightened my chest just as my muscles themselves were tightening up. As this was happening, I couldn't help but to think that is how I feel in my life right now. I want to keep moving forward. I know what is waiting for me at the end, and I want it. I have no doubts about that. But there are some things holding me back like the wind and they hurt.
I never stopped and I finished today only two minutes behind my fastest time on this route. I'm proud of that. I know that I just need to push through these emotions too. In actuality, they are not a bad thing. It's just that they have been the good reminders that are coming at the time when I need to let go of more. The seasons have changed... the trees now have buds. The magnolias and tulips are now out. Time has moved on and I need to keep doing the same.
There is so much for me to look forward to.
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