Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Cleaning Out the Closet

My apartment consists of one closet.  Just one.  But its a beauty.  A giant closet with a hidden back space on one side.  It's a great place to spread out all of my winter, spring, summer, and fall clothes, jackets, and shoes.  It's also a great place to throw things when I don't have enough time to clean, sort, or put away properly.  It's a great place to keep things safe all while still being out of sight and out of mind.

This closet I once shared with Dale.  About 6 months after his death I did a deep and torturous cleaning and donated about 90% of his clothing minus a few favorites that sparked a good memory and his suits.  A suit was not work attire, so they were special, and he loved them.  I saved them because I was always unsure of whether or not his suits would be something meaningful to pass down to our son.  However, as time has passed.  I realize that I have so many other possessions that I have kept that my son may appreciate more.  One thing that I realized as time has gone on and my son has developed into his own little person, is that what I save and share with him about his father should not only give him an overall idea of who his father was, but there needs to be a connection from my son's end so that he can feel that sense of closeness to his father in the only physical way that he can. 

This past weekend, I cleaned out that closet.  I took out the suits.  I even took out papers and pictures of mine that were connected with Dale.  What is now left in my closet is all me.  All me and a big empty space.  This empty space is not intended to stay empty for long...

My New Yorker.  He spends several nights a week with us.  He comes and goes with a bag full of his "overnight" gear and clothes.   I don't know if he knew what was in my closet, but he told me not to clean it out for him.  He told me he'd buy something to put into the spare/storage room.  But that's not where he belongs.  Just last week I posted letting go and moving on in "One Last Time" and the time is now.  Dale is my past.  John, my New Yorker is my present and my future and he belongs next to me.

I have not yet gotten rid of Dale's suits.  For now, they are in the storage room.  But within the next month or so, time will come for me to tackle that room.  The hard part was taking them out from the closet.  Now they are out and exposed.  It will be a much easier task to let them go for good when the time comes.

It felt good to clean out the closet.  It was not a daunting task once I began.  I felt lighter.  I also felt happy when I hung up a few of John's things next to mine. 

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