A Long December

December of 2010 is remembered as being grey.  I don't have many memories or details of that month, only the color grey to describe it best.  Perhaps that is because it was the silent month.  It was the month that Dale ignored me, as much as he could, for a two people who were raising a child together and doing so in an 800 square foot home.  This was the month of my forgotten birthday.   The month that I was told that he loved our son so much that he didn't have any extra love for me.  The month that once it ended, I was told that he purposefully silenced our month so that I would know how it felt.  He said that was how I made him feel.  

He had my love, trust, loyalty, attention, friendship... mind, heart, and body.  He had it all, including my spirit and he had crushed it so much that there was very little left of it.  I was one step above being a zombie.  

I never thought that I could cure Dale and his illness.  I knew that wasn't possible.  I wanted to be a part of the happiness in his life though.  At one point there was a lot of laughter and fun times.  I thought that we could build on that.  I thought that if we built a strong life together filled with wonderful memories, that he could use that to help him face the dark times.  That's what I thought my role was.  That's what I wanted my gift to Dale to be.  I knew that I couldn't fight his battle for him, but I had hoped that I could add on to his supply of ammunition to keep on fighting.  

That December... it changed things.  It may have been dark and grey but it was my moment of clarity.  Dale was a master at hiding his illness.  That month, he did just that and made me believe that it was me, not his illness.   He wasn't happy with  me.  

I was never good enough which is why he was always trying to change it.  He tried to improve me to what he envisioned happiness or perfection or whatever word you want to throw in there, looked like to him.  It didn't matter what I was wearing, what color my hair was, what words I said, what actions I took... nothing was good enough.  I realized that I literally had nothing left to give.