*This post feeds off of yesterday's, so if you haven't read "The Post I Took Down," I encourage you to do so before reading this one.
I don't post or share much about Dale and my life with him (other than here), especially on Facebook. So when I shared my post on Facebook which mentioned him, that was a big deal. I thought about it carefully and wavered back and forth for a bit before taking the plunge and doing it. However, it took but 20 minutes for me to retract both the the blog and Facebook posts. What happened in those 20 minutes? I stumbled across this blog and post... "The Little-Known Reasons Why You Need to Leave the Narcissist ASAP!" It brought out thoughts, feelings, and trauma that I thought that I forgave and was able to move on from. It reminded me that my reality was not what I had painted in those few sentences in my post about parenting. That's why I had to take it down.
I met Dale in November of 1997. From then until March of 2011 (13.5 years), he had never seen any kind of doctor or therapist to help him with his mental stability. He told me that he had seen therapists and psychologists in the past and that he suffered from chronic depression. I was a psych major and from what I researched, it seemed to fit and I believed him.
In 2004, we were living in Virginia. We were starting to become more isolated. He was starting to put his unhappiness, his mental stability into my hands. He asked me to pay attention to his mood swings, to document them, to look for triggers and to suggest things for him to do like go exercise or walk the dogs, when I noticed a pattern coming. I couldn't do it. I tried, believe me. I just failed. Repeatedly. And I was reminded of it repeatedly. Dale was very high functioning. He got out of bed every.single.day. He was cryptic. He knew how to hide his feelings. I couldn't tell if I was coming or going with him. So I went to a therapist myself, for the very first time.
I wanted help. Not for me. I didn't think that I needed it. As far as I knew, I was mentally healthy. Dale wouldn't go himself, so I thought I would go and seek advise and knowledge on how to help me.
I wanted to focus on Dale and helping him, she wanted to focus on me. I didn't talk much and I remember her telling me that she never had such a quiet patient. I wasn't a patient. I was paying by the hour for in-person professional advise. I did talk some. I did have to give some examples and stories and background so that she could understand Dale as much as possible, so that she could help me help him.
She told me that it wasn't my job. She told me that he needed to see a professional himself so that he could get the proper treatment that he needed. She told me that I was his wife and it was too much to be both his wife and therapist. I agreed with all of that, but he wouldn't go see a doctor. We had talked about it so many times before. A bad taste had been put into his mouth in the past and he had no desire. So, my 25 year old self didn't know what else to do but to listen to the man that I loved and trusted. I wasn't about to give up on him or on us and was willing to do whatever necessary.
The therapist also told me some things that put a bad taste into my mouth and I never returned, not even for more advice. After sharing some stories about my life with Dale, she told me that he manipulated me. She told me that he was using his illness to control me and isolate me. I wasn't ready to hear that. My 25 year old self didn't know how to accept that. I was innocent and ignorant and grew up in a bubble. It was unfathomable to me that someone that you loved and trusted, someone that you called your husband could purposefully manipulate you.
Fast forward to March of 2011. (It took me seven years to finally accept the truth that doctor knew in one hour of speaking with me.) Things were bad, but I didn't want to give up and call it quits, we had a son now. I wanted to know that we had tried everything possible to save our marriage, if that was at all possible. So, we went to a couple's therapist. Dale did most of the talking, which turned out to be a blessing since that is the only time that we went, together.
Linda,our my therapist, called me the day after our first session and told me that she thought we should come two times a week. That never happened. The morning of our second session was the morning that Dale cut himself. He was hospitalized. He stayed for a couple of days and couldn't be released until he had a psychiatrist, not just a therapist. He was put onto meds.
I continued to see Linda by myself from that March all the way until June of 2013. I had found out that Dale was diagnosed by his doctor with bipolar and anxiety. Linda truly believed that he was narcissistic as well. If I could sum up my life with Dale in just a few words, they would be that I felt like I was always walking on egg shells. When I told Linda that, she encouraged me to read a book. I did and it gave me a whole new perspective.
I don't post or share much about Dale and my life with him (other than here), especially on Facebook. So when I shared my post on Facebook which mentioned him, that was a big deal. I thought about it carefully and wavered back and forth for a bit before taking the plunge and doing it. However, it took but 20 minutes for me to retract both the the blog and Facebook posts. What happened in those 20 minutes? I stumbled across this blog and post... "The Little-Known Reasons Why You Need to Leave the Narcissist ASAP!" It brought out thoughts, feelings, and trauma that I thought that I forgave and was able to move on from. It reminded me that my reality was not what I had painted in those few sentences in my post about parenting. That's why I had to take it down.
I met Dale in November of 1997. From then until March of 2011 (13.5 years), he had never seen any kind of doctor or therapist to help him with his mental stability. He told me that he had seen therapists and psychologists in the past and that he suffered from chronic depression. I was a psych major and from what I researched, it seemed to fit and I believed him.
In 2004, we were living in Virginia. We were starting to become more isolated. He was starting to put his unhappiness, his mental stability into my hands. He asked me to pay attention to his mood swings, to document them, to look for triggers and to suggest things for him to do like go exercise or walk the dogs, when I noticed a pattern coming. I couldn't do it. I tried, believe me. I just failed. Repeatedly. And I was reminded of it repeatedly. Dale was very high functioning. He got out of bed every.single.day. He was cryptic. He knew how to hide his feelings. I couldn't tell if I was coming or going with him. So I went to a therapist myself, for the very first time.
I wanted help. Not for me. I didn't think that I needed it. As far as I knew, I was mentally healthy. Dale wouldn't go himself, so I thought I would go and seek advise and knowledge on how to help me.
You know those moments, the ones where if they had gone another way, your whole life could have changed? I have a few of those. But not until just know, did I ever consider what I am about to share next as one of those moments.
I wanted to focus on Dale and helping him, she wanted to focus on me. I didn't talk much and I remember her telling me that she never had such a quiet patient. I wasn't a patient. I was paying by the hour for in-person professional advise. I did talk some. I did have to give some examples and stories and background so that she could understand Dale as much as possible, so that she could help me help him.
She told me that it wasn't my job. She told me that he needed to see a professional himself so that he could get the proper treatment that he needed. She told me that I was his wife and it was too much to be both his wife and therapist. I agreed with all of that, but he wouldn't go see a doctor. We had talked about it so many times before. A bad taste had been put into his mouth in the past and he had no desire. So, my 25 year old self didn't know what else to do but to listen to the man that I loved and trusted. I wasn't about to give up on him or on us and was willing to do whatever necessary.
The therapist also told me some things that put a bad taste into my mouth and I never returned, not even for more advice. After sharing some stories about my life with Dale, she told me that he manipulated me. She told me that he was using his illness to control me and isolate me. I wasn't ready to hear that. My 25 year old self didn't know how to accept that. I was innocent and ignorant and grew up in a bubble. It was unfathomable to me that someone that you loved and trusted, someone that you called your husband could purposefully manipulate you.
Fast forward to March of 2011. (It took me seven years to finally accept the truth that doctor knew in one hour of speaking with me.) Things were bad, but I didn't want to give up and call it quits, we had a son now. I wanted to know that we had tried everything possible to save our marriage, if that was at all possible. So, we went to a couple's therapist. Dale did most of the talking, which turned out to be a blessing since that is the only time that we went, together.
Linda,
I continued to see Linda by myself from that March all the way until June of 2013. I had found out that Dale was diagnosed by his doctor with bipolar and anxiety. Linda truly believed that he was narcissistic as well. If I could sum up my life with Dale in just a few words, they would be that I felt like I was always walking on egg shells. When I told Linda that, she encouraged me to read a book. I did and it gave me a whole new perspective.
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