When I look back on our lives together, there were always red flags. From the very beginning they were there. They are easier to detect now then they were back then when I was so young and in the moment. But despite that, deep down, I knew they were there. However, in the beginning, there weren't many and Dale was an amazing person. What I got in return was worth it. What I didn't know and couldn't prepare myself for was the downward spiral that we found ourselves in. I don't know what happened or what caused it, but a pivotal point came during our last year in Virginia. We hit a point and snowballed down the hill until the very end.
Dale had started a new job that year. A new job meant new people and these new people sparked Dale to share their stories of love and lust with me. One woman had just ended a long relationship and she was taking advantage of this freedom to explore herself sexually. Dale thought that we should do the same. One man was openly gay. Dale admired him for being able to just be himself. A younger colleague had just lost her virginity. She was dating an older man and was trying all sorts of kinky things. Dale wanted to throw that into our mix. Another woman had a crush on Dale. It gave him the idea that perhaps we should let someone in and watch, during our intimate moments together. It seemed as though everyday he came home with a new story. They all revolved around sex and soon enough, things started to revolve around sex in our relationship as well.
This is when I began to notice the ingenuity of his actions. He began to keep score. He mentally tallied up the things that he did for me and what I did for him. He, of course, far outweighed me and it started off where he would joke that I owed him something. Then it turned into him being serious about it and it began to turn sexual as well.
I am all for people doing behind closed doors whatever it is that makes them happy... as long as what they are doing isn't hurting or negativity effecting someone else. At this point, we had been together for nearly 9 years. I wanted us to have a happy and healthy intimate life together. I didn't want it to become boring and infrequent. I didn't mind trying new things, but I did have boundaries. My boundaries were not respected and were under constant discussion with hopes of negotiation.
This was also the time that "The Talks" began. These talks happened about every 6 months and were about the same 3 things. 1. Dale's depression and how I am not helping enough. I was told that I needed to do more because I was actually causing it to worsen. My love was questioned. 2. Sex. I didn't initiate it enough. It was getting boring. 3. Sometimes that changed, but it usually was about my lack of domestic skills. Now, think of a convincing lawyer. That is how Dale sounded. He presented his issues with me in a caring and loving way. His words were chosen so carefully that it was hard to dispute anything. And when I did, my words were twisted and I was left feeling even worse. I felt confused. I felt like I was wrong. I didn't trust myself and my own thoughts. Those talks took a piece of my spirit away every time. It came to the point where at first I started to clam up. It was better to not say anything than to say something and have your own words twisted in a way that you didn't even know how else to explain yourself. Towards the end, I began to have mini anxiety attacks when I knew these talks were about to happen. My head would feel dizzy and my heart would palpitate. I had such a hard time breathing that I couldn't talk, even if I wanted to. I couldn't even cry anymore.
Virginia: 2006.... the red flags started to take over. I was so caught up in my own mental mess that I couldn't see it. There was so much that I couldn't see.
Dale had started a new job that year. A new job meant new people and these new people sparked Dale to share their stories of love and lust with me. One woman had just ended a long relationship and she was taking advantage of this freedom to explore herself sexually. Dale thought that we should do the same. One man was openly gay. Dale admired him for being able to just be himself. A younger colleague had just lost her virginity. She was dating an older man and was trying all sorts of kinky things. Dale wanted to throw that into our mix. Another woman had a crush on Dale. It gave him the idea that perhaps we should let someone in and watch, during our intimate moments together. It seemed as though everyday he came home with a new story. They all revolved around sex and soon enough, things started to revolve around sex in our relationship as well.
This is when I began to notice the ingenuity of his actions. He began to keep score. He mentally tallied up the things that he did for me and what I did for him. He, of course, far outweighed me and it started off where he would joke that I owed him something. Then it turned into him being serious about it and it began to turn sexual as well.
I am all for people doing behind closed doors whatever it is that makes them happy... as long as what they are doing isn't hurting or negativity effecting someone else. At this point, we had been together for nearly 9 years. I wanted us to have a happy and healthy intimate life together. I didn't want it to become boring and infrequent. I didn't mind trying new things, but I did have boundaries. My boundaries were not respected and were under constant discussion with hopes of negotiation.
This was also the time that "The Talks" began. These talks happened about every 6 months and were about the same 3 things. 1. Dale's depression and how I am not helping enough. I was told that I needed to do more because I was actually causing it to worsen. My love was questioned. 2. Sex. I didn't initiate it enough. It was getting boring. 3. Sometimes that changed, but it usually was about my lack of domestic skills. Now, think of a convincing lawyer. That is how Dale sounded. He presented his issues with me in a caring and loving way. His words were chosen so carefully that it was hard to dispute anything. And when I did, my words were twisted and I was left feeling even worse. I felt confused. I felt like I was wrong. I didn't trust myself and my own thoughts. Those talks took a piece of my spirit away every time. It came to the point where at first I started to clam up. It was better to not say anything than to say something and have your own words twisted in a way that you didn't even know how else to explain yourself. Towards the end, I began to have mini anxiety attacks when I knew these talks were about to happen. My head would feel dizzy and my heart would palpitate. I had such a hard time breathing that I couldn't talk, even if I wanted to. I couldn't even cry anymore.
Virginia: 2006.... the red flags started to take over. I was so caught up in my own mental mess that I couldn't see it. There was so much that I couldn't see.
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