What is Hope?

I Hope You Never Lose Your Sense of Wonder...

What is hope?

To want?  To desire?

To expect that what's envisioned

may indeed happen?

YES to all of the above.

Is hope that gut feeling that it's 

worth holding out

and hanging on for just a little longer?

ABSOLUTELY.

Is hope the core of the human condition?

CERTAINLY.

Can you have hope without faith and humility and wonder?

THAT'S TOUGH.

Just the thought that there's something bigger, 

something truer, something totally surprising 

out there waiting for us is...

priceless.

Hope takes never ceasing 

to be amazed...

Wearing 

your soul on your sleeve...

Holding

your breath, waiting to hear 

"I love you, too..."

Believing

that tomorrow could be better than today...

that you'll get a second chance...

that you'll make a difference...

that you matter.  

Excerpts taken from I Hope You Dance by Mark D. Sanders & Tia Sillers

I Hope You Dance

I am not a country music fan.  I couldn't tell you another song that Lee Ann Womack has sung.  But, I can tell you that this song, "I Hope You Dance" is one of my favorite songs.  It is a song that I do not have on my playlist.  It is a song that I do not listen to often.  It is a song that I often forget about.   It is a song that touches my spirit and brings me to tears every time that I hear it.

This song my husband and I chose for the bridal party dance at our wedding.  Our bridal party consisted of the people that were closest to us in our lives back then and we both felt that we wanted every word of this song for those people who were so near and dear to our hearts.

Before our son was born, we were given a book.  It is called I Hope You Dance but it is written by Mark D. Sanders and Tia Sillers.  What the authors did was that they took the lyrics to this song and added on their own poetic thoughts.  It's a very warm and heartfelt read.  I look forward to the day when I can read this to my son and tell him that this is not only what I want for him, but what his father had wanted too.

Enough said.  Just listen...

Clever Trees

“The thing about trees is that they know what to do. When a leaf loses its colour, it's not because its time is up and it's dying, it's because the tree is taking back into itself the nutrients the leaf's been holding in reserve for it, out there on the twig, and why leaves change colour in autumn is because the tree is preparing for winter, it's filling itself with its own stored health so it can withstand the season. Then, clever tree, it literally pushes the used leaf off with the growth that's coming behind it. But because that growth has to protect itself through winter too, the tree fills the little wound in its branch or twig where the leaf was with a protective corky stuff which seals it against cold and bacteria.

Otherwise every leaf lost would be an open wound on a tree and a single tree would be covered in thousands of little wounds.

Clever trees.”
― Ali Smith, Artful

Self Forgiveness

“It is only by making the past alive again for a person that a true growth in the present is facilitated. If the past is cut off, the future does not exist.”
― Alexander Lowen, Bioenergetics


There is a part of me that feels a disconnect from the person that I was only a couple of years ago. There is a part of me that very much dislikes the person that I was in the past.  The last few years with my husband were so stressful that it literally drained me.  I never acted or spoke disrespectfully to him and the choices that I made were with love.   I fought for him and for us and that is why I can sleep at night.  That is why I can be at peace with myself and live without guilt.  However, there is something missing.  Me.  I never fought for myself.  I lost myself. 

I cannot get caught in the web of thoughts as to what may be and what could have been had I fought for myself earlier on.  All that I do know is the reality and that reality is that when I finally had nothing left to give and finally, finally stood up for myself before I lost myself entirely, he crumbled.  Perhaps the same results would have occurred no matter the time, that I will never know and I must leave that thought at rest. 

Why?  Why did I lose myself?  There was alot being thrown at me.  There were very serious things, none more so than the constant knowledge that suicide was always an option.  That paralyzed me.  Completely and utterly.  The prevention of the unfathomable became more and more a practice.  A habit without thought.

My reminders about my husband from my last date that I mentioned in yesterday's post "Not So Ready.?." were very much needed.  Like I had mentioned yesterday, they were genuine.  They reminded me of exactly how I felt when I first met him and how I felt throughout the majority of my time with him.  I absolutely adored and loved the man that I called my husband.  When you love someone with that much magnitude you do whatever means necessary to help keep them healthy and happy.  Simply... that is all that I was doing.

There have been times when I have felt ashamed of myself for letting myself get lost in a relationship.  The realization that I recently happened upon is that "I'd rather..."  I'd rather be a person who risks, who loves, who hurts... than a person who is too afraid to have done any of those.  I have lived.  I have loved.  I have lost.  I have learned.  I have forgiven myself.

I have often been credited for being a strong person.  I like that acknowledgment.  Yes I do believe that I am a strong person.  However, in forgiving myself, I have also come to acknowledge that I was no less strong back then.  In many ways I was stronger.  I had to be.  I was fighting for a future for him, for me, and for our son.  I wanted that more than anything.  And I realize now how much of that was on my shoulders.  I lost myself for a future that I wanted.  There is no shame in that. 

That is not to say that I ever want to find myself in that situation again.  I don't.  I would rather be alone than to lose myself again.  I can say that all while saying once again that I have no regrets.

My first charm that truly holds a connection to him.  I think that the anger that I was holding within for the past two years had made me not want him to be a real part of my bracelet (which has come to be such a significant and sentimental piece to me).  Forgiving myself allowed me to forgive him more and how could I not want him a part of my future?  That's what I had fought so hard for all of these years.  I have to take with me what little that I can and make the most out of it. 

The Diamond Bead

The core of this bead is red.  Love.  My love.  His love.  Our love.

The gashes, or chinks in the armor, if you will, is my pain.  All of my hurt.   

The love, and the ability to continue to love again has remained untainted.  

The wounds may have left scars, but they have been been met with head on and have been filled in with diamonds... the hardest of all metals known. 

I think an excerpt from the book I Hope You Dance by Mark D. Sanders and Tia Sillers is a great way to end this post. 

"God Forbid Love Ever Leave You Empty-Handed...

But if it does,
may it leave you patient and stronger,
willing and wiser, tender and tougher."

Not So Ready.?.

I thought that I have gotten to the point where I could honestly say that I am ready to have someone join me in my life once again.  Lately I have been wondering if that is really true.  I have begun to wonder if more than anything I miss the companionship of having a significant other by my side. 

I feel that when I write I still feel an attachment to him as so much still revolves around him and me and our lives and my life.  I am not sure what that means.  So many of my thoughts and feelings are all over the place as polar opposites can coincide simultaneously.  I have learned to accept the confusion as I don't think that it will ever truly settle and disappear, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. 

Back in early April I began the journey through the stages of grief as I felt that I needed to touch each one and to work through the stage of anger.  What came out of all that was my own added on stage, the stage of forgiveness.  Since then I have felt a new peace and I think that taking that difficult journey was key to finding that.  Soon thereafter came the second passing of his death.  It was a day that I dreaded but I found it bearable to endure as time as always has been a good friend throughout all of this.  But I also felt that there was more.  The peace that I had found after finding anger and forgiveness gave me an almost subdued feeling.  I thought again that time was working.  All of that along with my many other journeys led me to believe that I truly was ready to find someone else to move on with. 

Last week I had a date with a man who, on paper, seemed wonderful.  I felt a connection to him in our initial e-mail conversations and he really did seem to stand out from the rest.  I was very excited to meet him, even a bit nervous and that hasn't happened in a very long time.  I enjoyed that date and the conversation and it was one of those dates that stirred up emotions for me and when I got home, I cried.  He was the type that you could move on with and that made me realize how much easier it is to meet a man with whom I feel no connection and have no desire to take it to even a second date.  The idea of moving on, in reality, is still very emotional for me. 

The thing about this man is that he reminded me of my husband in a way that no other has.  This man looked nothing like my husband, it was more of his character and personality.  This man practiced chivalry and when I stood up, he stood up.  This man spoke highly of his parents and of his family.  This man was very intelligent and worldly.  He had traveled quite extensively and seemed to have a curiosity and passion for nature and life.  He loved dogs.  He majored in history.  He was an attorney and spoke very well.  These were all qualities that my husband possessed as much as a 22 year old man could when I first met him almost 16 years ago. 

For reasons that I will share in a later post, I do not think that I will see or speak to this man again, but what I took from this date is something far more valuable than a second date.  I was genuinely and authentically reminded of why I was so attracted to my husband in the first place.  He was a kind, interesting, passionate, curious, and extremely intelligent man who always tried to be a good person, a gentleman.  It made me think back to our first winter of dating and it was soo cold in Rochester!  He would always take off his jacket and put it around me, no matter where to and for how long we were walking.  He would always blast the heat in the car so high that it made it hard to breath too, lol. 

Yes, I knew about his illness at that time.  But he was so much more than that.  He was worth the risk taken.  I have been very open and honest in admitting that I have never once regretted my life with him.  However, there are times when it is hard to remember the reasons why I have no regrets.  They get clouded easily by all the trauma that also took place in our lives together. 

All of this had led to me to the realization that there is something that I forgot.  Someone I forgot to think about and its important that I do.  This person needs the same forgiveness that my husband did.

Another Goodbye

This is not a grave goodbye but a goodbye nonetheless.  My babysitter is leaving at the end of the month for Florida.  She just finished her bachelor's degree and she is moving down south with her family and will pursue her master's at the University of Florida.  I am happy for her.  She is young and I am so glad that she is taking this opportunity to explore the world and try different places and things.  But...

She has become part of my support and family here in New York.  She started watching my son in October of 2011, only months after my husband passed.  I knew she was the one as soon as I met her and my son just loves her!  It is and was such a scary thing, to leave your child with a virtual stranger... in your home, but I trusted her from day one and I know that she truly cares for my son. 

Finding a sitter is probably the one of the most important things that I have done.  It allowed me the freedom to catch my breath, bond more with girlfriends, and go out on dates.  It also allowed my son to interact with someone other than myself and he looks forward to his regularly scheduled Tuesdays with her every week.

Fortunately for me, my sitter has a sister.  A sister that has watched my son on occasion when my sitter wasn't available.  I really like her too.  She is great with my son and I trust her completely.  Her sister will be staying here in NYC and she will now become my new go to gal.  I am truly grateful that I will not have to go through the process of finding another sitter and this transition should be easy for my son.  Although I know that he will miss his first sitter tremendously.  He has had to say goodbye far too many times for his young age.  In some ways its good that he doesn't understand, in other ways its not because all he knows is that there is an absence and it must be confusing.

Nothing lasts forever, so enjoy everything while it lasts... another goodbye.


On a happier note...

I had wanted to get my sitter a gift and thought that a cool piece of NYC art to remember us and the city was a nice idea.  So this is the piece that I chose for my cool, hipster sitter to take with her to Florida.  This piece was created by photographer and painter duo known as Green Jacket Art.  If anyone is interested, you can check them out and like them on Facebook (by the same name).  Just thought I'd give a shout out, they were both very nice.  :)

I like the way the flash shined on the image above, but this one shows the work more thoroughly. 

p111x

Back in March I started the p90x workout program.  What I find most rigorous about this program is that it is 6 days a week and the workouts are between 60-90 minutes long.  What is so disappointing is that I have worked so hard to commit myself to this program, oftentimes finishing a workout well after 11 pm, yet I am still 3 weeks behind.  Between getting sick a couple of times, a funeral, and visits from my parents (it's weird to workout in front of them in my small apartment!) this workout is extending out much further that I anticipated and I just want it to end!  p90x has really turned into p111x for me as long as all goes well this month and I can finish all of the sessions.  I hope, hope, hope nothing more comes up because this is going to take me up to the end of June.  Literally just in time for my vacation to Maine... not exactly a tropical getaway, but I will definitely be sporting my bikini!

So what do I think of this workout?  I actually really like it, alot!  The instructor Tony makes me laugh.  But what I like most is that there are 12 CD's that all work something different.  My favorites are yoga and kempo (kickboxing).  But there are others like shoulders, triceps, biceps, and back... things that I never worked on in the gym and I actually see the most improvement in these areas. 

What do I have to show for completing two phases/months of this program... lol. I lost 1 pound.  And 1 inch in my right bicep.... Seriously!!! My right bicep!?!  Lol!  I am not bummed about the 1 pound.  My intent was not to loose weight.  My intent was to tone.  And I feel it.  I really do.  My legs, my back, my shoulders... even the little wings (triceps) under my arms are gone!  I still hope to tone my belly even more, but overall I am happy with the results.  And I still have a whole month to go... Yay (that was kinda sarcastic). 

Last week I cancelled my gym membership.  I never thought I would be disciplined enough to do a home workout program.  I am proud of myself because I really have dedicated myself.   Once it is over, I do plan on continuing it, but just not everyday.  That is so difficult for me to do.  But I plan on working out every other day. 

It's important for me to continue to work on myself.  This has been more than just a workout.  Yes, I am going to and have started to enjoy the results that I am seeing in my body.  I do feel sexier.  It has also been important to me to prove to myself that I could dedicate myself to something that I didn't do before (I never worked out 6x a week, unless you count playing sports in high school) and don't necessarily want to do everyday, believe me!  It may end up taking a bit longer than planned, but p90x has helped me to feel better about myself both inside and out.