Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Self Forgiveness

“It is only by making the past alive again for a person that a true growth in the present is facilitated. If the past is cut off, the future does not exist.”
Alexander Lowen, Bioenergetics


There is a part of me that feels a disconnect from the person that I was only a couple of years ago. There is a part of me that very much dislikes the person that I was in the past.  The last few years with my husband were so stressful that it literally drained me.  I never acted or spoke disrespectfully to him and the choices that I made were with love.   I fought for him and for us and that is why I can sleep at night.  That is why I can be at peace with myself and live without guilt.  However, there is something missing.  Me.  I never fought for myself.  I lost myself. 

I cannot get caught in the web of thoughts as to what may be and what could have been had I fought for myself earlier on.  All that I do know is the reality and that reality is that when I finally had nothing left to give and finally, finally stood up for myself before I lost myself entirely, he crumbled.  Perhaps the same results would have occurred no matter the time, that I will never know and I must leave that thought at rest. 

Why?  Why did I lose myself?  There was alot being thrown at me.  There were very serious things, none more so than the constant knowledge that suicide was always an option.  That paralyzed me.  Completely and utterly.  The prevention of the unfathomable became more and more a practice.  A habit without thought.

My reminders about my husband from my last date that I mentioned in yesterday's post "Not So Ready.?." were very much needed.  Like I had mentioned yesterday, they were genuine.  They reminded me of exactly how I felt when I first met him and how I felt throughout the majority of my time with him.  I absolutely adored and loved the man that I called my husband.  When you love someone with that much magnitude you do whatever means necessary to help keep them healthy and happy.  Simply... that is all that I was doing.

There have been times when I have felt ashamed of myself for letting myself get lost in a relationship.  The realization that I recently happened upon is that "I'd rather..."  I'd rather be a person who risks, who loves, who hurts... than a person who is too afraid to have done any of those.  I have lived.  I have loved.  I have lost.  I have learned.  I have forgiven myself.

I have often been credited for being a strong person.  I like that acknowledgment.  Yes I do believe that I am a strong person.  However, in forgiving myself, I have also come to acknowledge that I was no less strong back then.  In many ways I was stronger.  I had to be.  I was fighting for a future for him, for me, and for our son.  I wanted that more than anything.  And I realize now how much of that was on my shoulders.  I lost myself for a future that I wanted.  There is no shame in that. 

That is not to say that I ever want to find myself in that situation again.  I don't.  I would rather be alone than to lose myself again.  I can say that all while saying once again that I have no regrets.

My first charm that truly holds a connection to him.  I think that the anger that I was holding within for the past two years had made me not want him to be a real part of my bracelet (which has come to be such a significant and sentimental piece to me).  Forgiving myself allowed me to forgive him more and how could I not want him a part of my future?  That's what I had fought so hard for all of these years.  I have to take with me what little that I can and make the most out of it. 

The Diamond Bead
The core of this bead is red.  Love.  My love.  His love.  Our love.
The gashes, or chinks in the armor, if you will, is my pain.  All of my hurt.   
The love, and the ability to continue to love again has remained untainted.  
The wounds may have left scars, but they have been been met with head on and have been filled in with diamonds... the hardest of all metals known. 


I think an excerpt from the book I Hope You Dance by Mark D. Sanders and Tia Sillers is a great way to end this post. 

"God Forbid Love Ever Leave You Empty-Handed...

But if it does,
may it leave you patient and stronger,
willing and wiser, tender and tougher."

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