I thought that I have gotten to the point where I could honestly say that I am ready to have someone join me in my life once again. Lately I have been wondering if that is really true. I have begun to wonder if more than anything I miss the companionship of having a significant other by my side.
I feel that when I write I still feel an attachment to him as so much still revolves around him and me and our lives and my life. I am not sure what that means. So many of my thoughts and feelings are all over the place as polar opposites can coincide simultaneously. I have learned to accept the confusion as I don't think that it will ever truly settle and disappear, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier.
Back in early April I began the journey through the stages of grief as I felt that I needed to touch each one and to work through the stage of anger. What came out of all that was my own added on stage, the stage of forgiveness. Since then I have felt a new peace and I think that taking that difficult journey was key to finding that. Soon thereafter came the second passing of his death. It was a day that I dreaded but I found it bearable to endure as time as always has been a good friend throughout all of this. But I also felt that there was more. The peace that I had found after finding anger and forgiveness gave me an almost subdued feeling. I thought again that time was working. All of that along with my many other journeys led me to believe that I truly was ready to find someone else to move on with.
Last week I had a date with a man who, on paper, seemed wonderful. I felt a connection to him in our initial e-mail conversations and he really did seem to stand out from the rest. I was very excited to meet him, even a bit nervous and that hasn't happened in a very long time. I enjoyed that date and the conversation and it was one of those dates that stirred up emotions for me and when I got home, I cried. He was the type that you could move on with and that made me realize how much easier it is to meet a man with whom I feel no connection and have no desire to take it to even a second date. The idea of moving on, in reality, is still very emotional for me.
The thing about this man is that he reminded me of my husband in a way that no other has. This man looked nothing like my husband, it was more of his character and personality. This man practiced chivalry and when I stood up, he stood up. This man spoke highly of his parents and of his family. This man was very intelligent and worldly. He had traveled quite extensively and seemed to have a curiosity and passion for nature and life. He loved dogs. He majored in history. He was an attorney and spoke very well. These were all qualities that my husband possessed as much as a 22 year old man could when I first met him almost 16 years ago.
For reasons that I will share in a later post, I do not think that I will see or speak to this man again, but what I took from this date is something far more valuable than a second date. I was genuinely and authentically reminded of why I was so attracted to my husband in the first place. He was a kind, interesting, passionate, curious, and extremely intelligent man who always tried to be a good person, a gentleman. It made me think back to our first winter of dating and it was soo cold in Rochester! He would always take off his jacket and put it around me, no matter where to and for how long we were walking. He would always blast the heat in the car so high that it made it hard to breath too, lol.
Yes, I knew about his illness at that time. But he was so much more than that. He was worth the risk taken. I have been very open and honest in admitting that I have never once regretted my life with him. However, there are times when it is hard to remember the reasons why I have no regrets. They get clouded easily by all the trauma that also took place in our lives together.
All of this had led to me to the realization that there is something that I forgot. Someone I forgot to think about and its important that I do. This person needs the same forgiveness that my husband did.
I feel that when I write I still feel an attachment to him as so much still revolves around him and me and our lives and my life. I am not sure what that means. So many of my thoughts and feelings are all over the place as polar opposites can coincide simultaneously. I have learned to accept the confusion as I don't think that it will ever truly settle and disappear, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier.
Back in early April I began the journey through the stages of grief as I felt that I needed to touch each one and to work through the stage of anger. What came out of all that was my own added on stage, the stage of forgiveness. Since then I have felt a new peace and I think that taking that difficult journey was key to finding that. Soon thereafter came the second passing of his death. It was a day that I dreaded but I found it bearable to endure as time as always has been a good friend throughout all of this. But I also felt that there was more. The peace that I had found after finding anger and forgiveness gave me an almost subdued feeling. I thought again that time was working. All of that along with my many other journeys led me to believe that I truly was ready to find someone else to move on with.
Last week I had a date with a man who, on paper, seemed wonderful. I felt a connection to him in our initial e-mail conversations and he really did seem to stand out from the rest. I was very excited to meet him, even a bit nervous and that hasn't happened in a very long time. I enjoyed that date and the conversation and it was one of those dates that stirred up emotions for me and when I got home, I cried. He was the type that you could move on with and that made me realize how much easier it is to meet a man with whom I feel no connection and have no desire to take it to even a second date. The idea of moving on, in reality, is still very emotional for me.
The thing about this man is that he reminded me of my husband in a way that no other has. This man looked nothing like my husband, it was more of his character and personality. This man practiced chivalry and when I stood up, he stood up. This man spoke highly of his parents and of his family. This man was very intelligent and worldly. He had traveled quite extensively and seemed to have a curiosity and passion for nature and life. He loved dogs. He majored in history. He was an attorney and spoke very well. These were all qualities that my husband possessed as much as a 22 year old man could when I first met him almost 16 years ago.
For reasons that I will share in a later post, I do not think that I will see or speak to this man again, but what I took from this date is something far more valuable than a second date. I was genuinely and authentically reminded of why I was so attracted to my husband in the first place. He was a kind, interesting, passionate, curious, and extremely intelligent man who always tried to be a good person, a gentleman. It made me think back to our first winter of dating and it was soo cold in Rochester! He would always take off his jacket and put it around me, no matter where to and for how long we were walking. He would always blast the heat in the car so high that it made it hard to breath too, lol.
Yes, I knew about his illness at that time. But he was so much more than that. He was worth the risk taken. I have been very open and honest in admitting that I have never once regretted my life with him. However, there are times when it is hard to remember the reasons why I have no regrets. They get clouded easily by all the trauma that also took place in our lives together.
All of this had led to me to the realization that there is something that I forgot. Someone I forgot to think about and its important that I do. This person needs the same forgiveness that my husband did.
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