Nothing Sweet about this Bitter

In December, I shared a post about what I referred to as my "midlife crisis."  I self diagnosed myself after doing a Google search and I even found this handy visual to show the process or steps of a midlife crisis.

In December, I was feeling down... I was in the depressed stage.  I got tired of it, and decided to take some action to help alleviate some of that anxiety.  I have visited this blog more.  I revived the blog that I left this one for, which focuses on  living a happy and healthy life (and have been posting almost daily for nearly two months now).  I have worked out 30 out of the last 35 days and my mood had started to lift.

As all of this was going on, I started to notice bits of anger come in and out from time to time, and they were directed at Dale.  I can honestly say, that throughout everything, I never became angry.  I never felt real anger towards him.  I never hated or blamed God.  I never hated or blamed society or the stigma on mental health or on the treatment that he finally began to take part in during his last few months.  I did feel some anger towards this family.  But never Dale.  I was deeply sad for him.

Not all of my memories with Dale are happy ones.  One of the things that I had have to deal with as I think back on my life with him, is that so many of my memories are tainted with his mood swings, sharp words, and the realization that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was during those moments.  But I took ownership for the choices that I made and that empowered me rather than making me feel like a victim.  And I had no regrets.  I made, what I believed to be, the best choice at any of those given times.

So now as I am going through this "midlife crisis" I can't help but to think back on my younger years of my twenties and even into my earlier thirties and the truth of the matter is that those years were very heavy and stressful.  Dale put his health and happiness into my hands.  Not his, mine.  And I was blamed when he fell into a bad cycle.  Repeatedly, over the course of our 13+ years together.  He was exhausting.  I had very few friends.  I was isolated from my family.  Life revolved around him and his illness.  I believe that there is a big part of him that wanted it that way, and I let it happen.  And after all of this time, I can see the truth and the reality of our relationship and I am angry at him for not doing anything to help himself deal with his issues other than to dump and blame it on me.  Those actions took pieces away of my life and I have so many empty, black hole, memories as it is.

Part of me is happy to have some of this anger inside and to be able to surface it and release it.  At the same time, I feel that this anger places blame on Dale and that takes away my ownership of it.  That makes me like I had less control over my life, that I let things happen, and that is leading to the beginning of feeling some amount of regret and bitterness.  Which I don't want to feel.

These emotions are not shocking to me.  They have a right to be there.  I do hope that they will come and pass.  I do not want to get stuck in any of them and I do not want to live with anger or resentment towards Dale.

Words I Was Ready For

My son goes through the ebb and flow of missing his father.  Weeks can go by with little to no mention of him.  Then, for no rhyme or reason, he can't make it through three nights in a row without crying.  It is something that I have come accustomed to.  Even though my son was only 20 months old when Dale passed, as he has gotten older, he has gotten more aware.  He knows that other children have a father and he doesn't.  He is working through all of that and is trying to make sense and accept that.  It breaks my heart to see him upset and cry, but he never really had the chance to grieve him when he did die, because he was so young.  It seems perfectly natural to me for him to go through this process.

I also readied myself for words that would be completely logical to a child and words that I finally heard two weeks ago.  "Mommy, I want to die so that I can see daddy."  If I hadn't prepared myself for this, I would have lost my sh!t.  But it seems like a reasonable request at the age of 6, when you don't quite understand what death really means.

Now if you don't think that there was a part of me inside screaming at the top of my lungs, then you're crazy!  But, since I readied myself, I told him that I missed daddy too and how wonderful it would be to see him again.  However, I told him that if he died, then that means that I would never see him again and that would break my heart.  We talked about all of the wonderful things that we do in life that he wouldn't be able to do or see again.  He seemed to understand and had to settle for feeling daddy in his heart instead.

At Peace

I have had two dreams in the past few weeks where Dale had appeared.  While I remember just bits and pieces between the two, the general feeling that I was left after waking from them was the same.

In the first, Dale had come back.  Although I have always been aware in my dreams that he is dead, his appearance has always been explained through him coming back to life or even that his death was a big hoax.  In this dream, I wasn't aware of where he came back from, only that he was there.

The magnitude of the pull and the desire to be with him, to be near him, was so strong.  It reminded me of how I felt about him in life.  If I could choose one word to describe how I felt about him, it would be adore.  I absolutely adored him.  So you can imagine my elation to be with him once again.

What I was aware of in this dream, was that there was another man in my life, John.  He didn't make an appearance, but I was fully aware of his presence and importance in my life.  I knew that he, not Dale, was the one that I belonged with.  He was the one that was right for me at the point in my life.

What I felt for Dale was a connection, not on a romantic level and far beyond a friendship level.  I don't know quite how to explain it, but to compare it to a love that you feel towards your child. It was genuine and pure.  Unconditional.  A bond that could not be broken, even with having another man in my life.  My second dream, which I remember even less details from, only reaffirmed this.

I can't help but to let my mind wander from time to time to think about what life would be like if Dale were still here.  I wonder what life would have been like if he stayed, but our marriage didn't last.  How would we have acted and felt about one another?  How hard would that have been to sever those ties?  I can't help but to think that perhaps the timeline might have been the same.  I'd like to think that in the end, we would have been able to remain friends, even if our marriage had come to an end (as it was heading that way).

Back to reality, I'd like to think that we are both at peace now.  While his mind destroyed his life, mine has worked it's way to a place where I couldn't ask for more.  A place where confusion, denial, fear, and anger have left and have been replaced with an indescribable warmth of peace and happiness to see him once again, even if only in my dreams.

I do hope that Heaven is real.

It Gets Lonely

My grandparents were married for 63 years before my grandmother passed away nearly three years ago.  With what we have become accustomed to with marriages these days, that is absolutely incredible!  If John and I were ever to reach 63 years of marriage, he would be 106 and I would be 100!  LOL  But back to my story...

You can imagine how extremely difficult it was for my grandfather to lose his love, the woman that  he spent 63 years, and 75% of his life with.  He had already become more emotional of a man as he aged and he could cry on a dime.  Watching my grandfather mourn my grandmother was just heart wrenching.  He visits her at the cemetery every day and he never misses a birthday, anniversary, or holiday to publish a small memorial write-up in the newspaper or to have a mass in her name at the church.  She was the love of his life and that is how he honors her memory and keeps her alive and close.  

This past Christmas I drove back to Western New York to spend it with my family.  I stayed for about a week and the day before I left I went to my grandfather's house to visit.  That is when he told me about his dream...

He told me how he had dreamt about going to a New Year's party at my cousin's house.  At the party was this woman that everyone was trying to set my grandfather up with.  This woman was real, the mother of a friend of the family's.  However, in this dream, she didn't like my grandpa.  It really hurt his feelings and so he came home early from the party.  

When he finished, he didn't cry!, he chuckled at himself.  Then he looked up at me and said, "It gets lonely... you know."

Yes it does g-pa, yes it does.

I could tell that he felt a little guilty for having this dream and since my mother was right there, he mentioned that perhaps he shouldn't say anything before telling us the dream.  But I am happy that he did.  As someone who has worked out so much through my dreams, I was happy to have heard his.  I think that shows that he has come a long way.  My grandpa is the cutest old man!  He's 86 years old and I don't think the he is looking for a relationship.  But I can imagine how lonely it gets for him.  Atleast I had my son at night and I such a long future to look to fulfilling with love once again.  I would be fantastic if he met a lady friend.  But just in case he doesn't, my family has done a great job of taking him out and having fun with him.  Sometimes I wonder if he has more of a social life than I do, lol.  But good for him.  He deserves to be happy and to enjoy the time that he has left here before he reunites with my grandmother once again.

Catching Up

What better way to catch up on an absent year than to reflect on the past year.  Overall, 2015 was a great year and it leaves so much to look forward to in 2016!  Ironically, that even though I declared myself in a state of a midlife crisis in my last post, I wasn't overly emotional about New Year's yesterday as I typically am.  Instead of looking back too much into the past and too far into the unknown future, I was just happy and thankful for this past year and excited and hopeful about the plans that I do have in this new year.  But just in case you missed me over the passed year, this is what I have been up too...

After saying goodbye to this blog in January, I immediately began a new blog, "A Moment's Glory."  I thought that it would be an outlet and representation of where I was at the time.  I took a photography course in January and February and was excited about showcasing my love for photography and my writing in a combined effort.  However, neither the blog nor the photography lasted long.  I loved the course.  I learned how to use my new camera and how to take some great shots!  I realized that like my personal/family photos, I just started a collection that had the potential to become a giant mass to put onto my to-do list.  I hate editing photos and for whatever reason, I hate deleting them as well.  I found it hard to write and my blog never took off.  I can't say that I was extremely disappointed about it because I ended that blog to start a new one.  Whaaaat?!?  That's right, you read it correctly.  I stopped writing in "A Moment's Glory" at the end of April because I had started a new blog, lol.  But, before getting to that I have a few more events to update on that occurred in-between.

In February, John, Ewan, and I took our first family vacation.  We went to Puerto Rico and it was fantastic!  It was great to have some uninterrupted family bonding time, especially for John and Ewan.  Ewan even began to swim on his own! thanks to John!  Besides that, Puerto Rico was just beautiful.  Flying in from NYC was so easy and being that we were still in US Territory made it such a smooth vacation.  We enjoyed it so much that we even booked a flight back in October to check out wedding venues!

In March I went to a home party for a facial line of beauty products.  I wasn't particularly interested in those products, but I wanted to help out a friend who had just signed up to sell them.  Well... I didn't come home with products, but I did come home with the idea of starting up my own business!  I had written in this blog before about wanting to do something more and different in the job field.  So, beauty products (which I have never been into, besides wearing makeup from Walgreens) seemed somehow like a good choice, lol.  I didn't sign up with my friend though.  Those products were very expensive and full of chemicals.  So I did some research.

In April, I became an official consultant with Lemongrass Spa.  A small beauty and skin care line company with natural and organic products.  The products are fantastic but even more so healthy and safe to use.  I started to pay attention more to the products that I was using, not only in my shower but in my makeup and even in what I was using to clean the house.  It's amazing what is allowed in our products!  So I was happy and proud to share a safe and affordable alternative to my family and friends and clients that I met along the way.  What I also learned along the way of this newfound business is that I am a terrible salesperson!  I still have yet to recruit anyone to join the team.  But I love the products, I believe in them, and I am doing something that is waaay outside of the box for me and my comfort zone regardless.  I was also inspired to start that new blog with the focus on being healthy and happy.   I posted about inspiring people, positive quotes, and whatever else I could find to help people to find and appreciate their own individual and unique inner beauty.  I even set up a donation page with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention in which I (publicly) shared Dale's story.  I donate 10% of my earning from Lemongrass Spa to the AFSP as well.  In April, everything seemed to come together in an unforeseen way.  However, I have to say that it has been tough to maintain.  I have not been organized with my blog and go long periods without posting.  I have also lost some intensity in my business since becoming engaged and busy planning a wedding. But they are both still there and were a big part of my 2015.

May marked the 4th anniversary since Dale's death.  My parents were visiting that weekend and I tried to go along as if it were a regular day.  That didn't come out quite right.... what I mean is that the prior 3 anniversaries, it was as if time stopped.  I put my life on hold and dedicated that day to being alone with my son.  This year, I didn't push anyone away.  I found that I wanted to, but not only were my parents visiting, I now live with someone and couldn't escape.  It proved to be a difficult day in a different way.  It was hard living "normally" on that day.  I think some built-in quite time is appropriate for that day, but I also think that continuing to live on that day is equally important too.  I learned that on this anniversary.

Ewan graduated from kindergarten in June!  He loved his teacher and he loved school and I couldn't ask for anything more.  He had a fantastic year and I was am just so incredible proud of him!  (More on him in a later post.)

Late June/early July is when I had the dream that awakened my midlife crisis.

In August, John and I vacationed in The Nordic Lands!  We started off in Stockholm, Sweden for a couple of days.  Then we flew to Copenhagen, Denmark for just a day and a half before taking an overnight ferry to Oslo, Norway.  It was on the ferry somewhere in the middle of the Black Sea that John proposed to me.  We had been taking about it and I knew that it was coming.  Although, if he hadn't slipped and accidentally (without him even knowing it) showed me the ring in Stockholm, I would have been completely surprised that he decided to do it during the vacation.  Needless to say it was an extra special and memorable vacation.  Besides that, The Nordic Lands are just beautiful.  We went hiking in Norway and OMG... the views were simply spectacular!

Ewan turned six and started first grade on the same day in September!  It also became official that John had been in Ewan's life longer than Dale had been.  It's sad to think of it that way.  However, John and Ewan have developed their own special relationship.  Ewan does not call John dad and when asked he says that his dad is dead and that he doesn't have one.  He is very comfortable and matter-of-fact in his words when he says this.  More so than I am.  John is not upset by this at all and I respect and appreciate that from him.  I have never spoke to Ewan about John and his role.  I wanted that to take its own course.  Honestly, it makes me happy that Ewan reserves that special spot for Dale.  John will get all of the rewards of being able to be an active part of Ewan's life and being able to watch him grow.  Dale won't.  More than anything, I am glad that Dale is still alive in Ewan's heart and mind.

Wedding planning, wedding planning, wedding planning.... that pretty much sums up the end of my year!  Yes, I am having a wedding.  A big one in fact.  I was perfectly fine in not remarrying.  Once engaged, I was find with a small destination wedding.  However, through a series of different events, we are having a wedding in NYC (Staten Island to be exact) and after lots of hesitation, we are all in.  John has never been married before and has lots of friends and family.  For me, my life is very different now.  My family remains the same, but my friends are completely different than 14 years ago when I married Dale.  My friend Jessica told me that I had more reason to celebrate than anyone and those words opened the door to wanting a day to celebrate and have a blast with the people who have been a part of (atleast on my end) the journey from picking up the pieces to building a whole new life in the past (almost) five years.

So there you have it!  The general gist of my 2015.  I do have so much to look forward to in 2016 and I wish all of you a very happy and healthy new year!!!

A Midlife Crisis

About 6 months ago, I woke up from an afternoon nap/dream in a sudden panic.  I never could remember the details of my dream, but the aftermath of this particular dream has haunted me ever since.  When I woke in that sudden state of angst it was because I had been hit with the realization that I will not be here forever.  I have an expiration tag.

Now, this knowledge is not something that is new to me.  I am very well aware that none of us are making it out of here alive.  But whatever occurred to me during and because of this dream, made me acutely aware of this mortal fact.  And it has effected me in such a way that I have since felt anxious, fear, and sadness.  Not constantly, but it's there.  I definitely feel it's presence.

It's weird, but Dale's death made me fear death less than at any other point in my life. Perhaps it is because Dale's death in someways defined death to me as a silence.  Dale was silent.  His memory lives on with us, but he was silenced from making any new memories and with sharing anything with us any more.  As horrible as that is, I also told myself that Dale was at peace. That helped to soften the blow.  Hell, I told myself anything and everything at that point to soften the blow, including the fact that everyone dies.  However, when I told myself that just 4 years ago, it was a comfort to my situation.  Now, it's the core for my midlife crisis.

There have been quite a few deaths in or close to my family in the past few years.  Obviously, Dale, my uncle and my grandmother hit closest to home.  However, I have seen a handful of my father's friends pass away in the past few years as well.  My father is 66 years old.  At one point, he had a lot of friends.  Now, there is just one left (besides himself) from his core group of friends that he grew up with and knew his entire life.  John's father is also 66 years old and lost two of his best friends in this past year and is coming to the same situation as my father.  Selfishly, I am happy that my father is still among the living.  But I can't help but to wonder what that does to a person.  Life is a game of chance, a Russian roulette.  And if you are lucky enough to escape sickness, an accident, or any other life ending event... at one point, you will find yourself left behind by so many that were once so near and dear to your heart.

My grandmother will be turning 90 in March.  One of my earliest posts was dedicated to her, "Inspiration."  Time when you are older, is much like time with a baby.  So much can happen is such a short amount of time.  It has been almost 4 years since I wrote "Inspiration" and since that time, my grandmother is near completely blind.  Her hearing is going as well.  Along with losing sight and sound, she has also lost her spunk.  She is still capable of living alone, but it's not so much that she is living alone (she has for over 35 years), but she feels alone.  Her inability to see and to hear well has closed her off to the world.  This summer, while she was at my son's family birthday party, I saw her break down in tears out of frustration because her body is not letting what her mind is still capable of doing.  Mentally, she is still all there.  She is amazing.  But her physical limitations are taking a toll on her mentality.  It was heartbreaking to watch this.  And it only fueled the flames of my own mortality issues that had only recently surfaced.

I have never been a numbers person as far as the number on the scale.  But I have always been a numbers person as far as age.  Two weeks ago, I turned 37.  (I know 37 is still young in the grand scheme of things, but I remember when my father was 37.)  As far as 37 goes, and looks, I am holding my own, quite well.  However, I can't help but to compare myself... to myself.  And I have noticed some changes that I feel really started about two years ago and that I have been in complete denial about.  The first one being my weight.  I've noticed a change in my body and how food effects me about two years ago.  I haven't done much about it, being in a state of denial, but I have gained about 8 pounds in the past 2 years.  That may not sound like much, but I have been a consistent weight my entire life.  And I am attributing the change in metabolism to aging.  While I don't feel like I have lots of wrinkles on my face, I am starting to see how I am going to age.  Do you know Droopy?  The Looney Tunes Dog?  I've always had "chubby" cheeks and I am quite positive they are going to droop.  I can see the very beginning stage of it, and my mother has it too.
I've also been obsessed with my teeth!  (Sounds like I'm a hot ass mess, doesn't it?)  I hate the dentist. Every time I go, I have a new cavity.  I'm at the point where I don't even think that's even possible.  But each time they find a new tooth with a new cavity.  Fortunately, I still have all of my teeth.  But I fear losing them.  I really do.  I have cut down on sugar.  I brush.  I floss. I use ACT.  But it's still the same every time I go.  It's going to be a very sad day for me with I lose my first tooth.  Unlike my six year old, I know there isn't one waiting to replace it.  Again, aging!

You know the saying, "Don't regret growing old, it's a privilege denied to many."?
There is a beauty in that saying.  It is very true.  I do hope that I am one of the lucky ones who gets to grow old.  However, I cannot deny what I am feeling at this moment.  This fear that I have stems moreso from aging than actual death itself.  So just this past weekend, I have declared myself in a state of mid-life crisis, at the age of 37, which if you ask Google, isn't so uncommon.  What may be odd is that I feel like I am going through a man's mid-life crisis (almost to a tee! ) as opposed to a woman's mid-life crisis (almost none of those!)

All I know is that whatever this is, it isn't stopping me from living my life.  Some of the fear and anxiety has crept in and has taken away some joy, I must admit.  But... I'm just hoping that  this only happens once in a lifetime.  I am paying my dues now.  I can't help but to wonder if this is hitting me at an earlier stage because I have been somewhat aged by my experiences.  

Good news for me... I think I am in the depression state.  Only 2 more to go!

Is anyone else going through something similar to this?  Please share.  Just reading that people in their 30's can go through something like this has made a huge difference... it's not just me!

Midlife Crisis Images taken from http://thedailypositive.com/30-year-olds-handle-mid-life-crisis/

Right Now

Where do you begin when you have been gone for so long, only to reappear for an instant to drop a bomb before vanishing once again?  I feel like a character in a movie.  You know the kind of movie where the troubled child leaves home and then returns only when they need something.  Only in this case, I’d prefer to think that I am not troubled nor do I need something.  I just miss writing.  I miss the structure and routine that I created when I was writing on this blog.  Since “retiring” in January, I have since created two other blogs.  Neither of which I could commit to in a way in which I had originally envisioned when I first created them.  Needless to say, they haven’t turned into much of anything and more importantly, haven’t quenched the desire to express whatever it is that is in me that I feel needs to come out.  Although I have to admit, I have had a hard time expressing myself in any sort of written way in well over a year, which is the reason why I had left this blog to begin with.  I thought it was this blog’s focus.  But it wasn’t.  It was is completely me.  I have ideas, but cannot put them into words.  A complete writer’s block.  

So now I am here.  I am back.  At least I am at this moment, so what do I want to say?  (Insert shocked-faced emoji and David Bowie’s “Under Pressure”.)  When I think back on all that has happened over the past 12 months, it seems so overwhelming to pick where to begin.  Do I start from the beginning?  Do I start with my last post, the lonesome random visit to announce my engagement?  Or do I start with the moment?  

A little over two years ago, I sat in this very same bar that I am sitting in… at this very moment.  A glass of Pinot Grigio and a pretzel accompany me, along with my laptop.  I think that I am sitting in the very same spot that I occupied while writing that post from the past.  I have not yet found this post to reread and to remind myself what was going on at that time.  I don’t have to.  I was declaring an end to online dating and was looking for different ways to meet people.  I was thinking about joining a book club.  I had wanted to join a board game “Meet-up” group, and I had just began or was about to begin a belly dancing class.  Well… that book club was canceled before I ever began.  I did go to a few belly dancing classes and loved it!  But I stopped going only after a few classes for the same reason that I never went to the board game group… I had met John.  

It’s amazing how today, as I sit in the very same seat…  Heck, in the very same shoes (well not literally) that I am here today with such a different head.  I guess that is what the future is all about, the wonder.  Two years ago, I was looking for the life that I have today.  And let me tell you, it’s a pretty damn good one.  But the details will have to wait.  This bar has become my Wednesday ritual while I wait for my son to finish his religion class.  (Whaaaat?  I know… that’s a whole story in and of itself!!!).  

**I did recall that post quite well. (Climbing Back on to The Turnip Truck)