The Doctor is In

*This post feeds off of yesterday's, so if you haven't read "The Post I Took Down," I encourage you to do so before reading this one.

I don't post or share much about Dale and my life with him (other than here), especially on Facebook.  So when I shared my post on Facebook which mentioned him, that was a big deal.  I thought about it carefully and wavered back and forth for a bit before taking the plunge and doing it.  However, it took but 20 minutes for me to retract both the the blog and Facebook posts.  What happened in those 20 minutes?  I stumbled across this blog and post... "The Little-Known Reasons Why You Need to Leave the Narcissist ASAP!"  It brought out thoughts, feelings, and trauma that I thought that I forgave and was able to move on from.  It reminded me that my reality was not what I had painted in those few sentences in my post about parenting.  That's why I had to take it down.

I met Dale in November of 1997.  From then until March of 2011 (13.5 years), he had never seen any kind of doctor or therapist to help him with his mental stability.  He told me that he had seen therapists and psychologists in the past and that he suffered from chronic depression.  I was a psych major and from what I researched, it seemed to fit and I believed him.

In 2004, we were living in Virginia.  We were starting to become more isolated.  He was starting to put his unhappiness, his mental stability into my hands.  He asked me to pay attention to his mood swings, to document them, to look for triggers and to suggest things for him to do like go exercise or walk the dogs, when I noticed a pattern coming.  I couldn't do it.  I tried, believe me.  I just failed.  Repeatedly.  And I was reminded of it repeatedly.  Dale was very high functioning.  He got out of bed every.single.day.  He was cryptic.  He knew how to hide his feelings.  I couldn't tell if I was coming or going with him.  So I went to a therapist myself, for the very first time.

I wanted help.  Not for me.  I didn't think that I needed it.  As far as I knew, I was mentally healthy.  Dale wouldn't go himself, so I thought I would go and seek advise and knowledge on how to help me.

 You know those moments, the ones where if they had gone another way, your whole life could have changed?  I have a few of those.  But not until just know, did I ever consider what I am about to share next as one of those moments.

I wanted to focus on Dale and helping him, she wanted to focus on me.  I didn't talk much and I remember her telling me that she never had such a quiet patient.  I wasn't a patient.  I was paying by the hour for in-person professional advise.  I did talk some.  I did have to give some examples and stories and background so that she could understand Dale as much as possible, so that she could help me help him.

She told me that it wasn't my job.  She told me that he needed to see a professional himself so that he could get the proper treatment that he needed.  She told me that I was his wife and it was too much to be both his wife and therapist.  I agreed with all of that, but he wouldn't go see a doctor.  We had talked about it so many times before.  A bad taste had been put into his mouth in the past and he had no desire.  So, my 25 year old self didn't know what else to do but to listen to the man that I loved and trusted.  I wasn't about to give up on him or on us and was willing to do whatever necessary.

The therapist also told me some things that put a bad taste into my mouth and I never returned, not even for more advice.  After sharing some stories about my life with Dale, she told me that he manipulated me.  She told me that he was using his illness to control me and isolate me.  I wasn't ready to hear that.  My 25 year old self didn't know how to accept that.  I was innocent and ignorant and grew up in a bubble.  It was unfathomable to me that someone that you loved and trusted, someone that you called your husband could purposefully manipulate you.

Fast forward to March of 2011.  (It took me seven years to finally accept the truth that doctor knew in one hour of speaking with me.)  Things were bad, but I didn't want to give up and call it quits, we had a son now.  I wanted to know that we had tried everything possible to save our marriage, if that was at all possible.  So, we went to a couple's therapist.  Dale did most of the talking, which turned out to be a blessing since that is the only time that we went, together.

Linda, our my therapist, called me the day after our first session and told me that she thought we should come two times a week.  That never happened.  The morning of our second session was the morning that Dale cut himself.  He was hospitalized.  He stayed for a couple of days and couldn't be released until he had a psychiatrist, not just a therapist.  He was put onto meds.

I continued to see Linda by myself from that March all the way until June of 2013.  I had found out that Dale was diagnosed by his doctor with bipolar and anxiety.  Linda truly believed that he was narcissistic as well.  If I could sum up my life with Dale in just a few words, they would be that I felt like I was always walking on egg shells.  When I told Linda that, she encouraged me to read a book. I did and it gave me a whole new perspective.

The Post I Took Down

On Saturday, I came across a blog post entitled "Dumb-Ass Stuff We Need to Stop Saying to Dads."  I agreed with it, so I shared it along with a thoughtful post of my own.  I agreed with it so much, that after careful consideration, I even shared my post on Facebook for all to see.  It wasn't more than 20 minutes, when I deeply regretted my thoughts shared and deleted both the Facebook post and my blog post.  Here are my words from that deleted post...

I have never underestimated the role of a father in a child's life, especially my own. I was a product of being raised by a loving, kind, and active father (and mother too). I have so many wonderful childhood memories filled with games, jokes, and stories that revolved around my father. He was consistently there for not only me, but my sister and brother as well throughout our entire childhood (and now into our adulthood) so I never expected anything less from the father of my own child.

Dale proved to be as loving and as active as my own father was. He was there right with me... staying up late, changing diapers, going to Dr's appointments, etc. We were equals as parents. A team.

After he died and I adjusted to parenting on my own, I realized that I could very well do this thing on my own. I could raise Ewan to be a wonderful man (even potty trained him standing!) all on my own. But... I didn't want to. As much love, support, and experiences that I could give him, there would always be a piece missing from not having a father-figure in his life.

While John's parenting approach is unique at times, lol, his influence has made a positive difference in my son's life. Ewan has changed over the past year, and for the better. His relationship with John is very different than ours and John's provides him with games, fun, perspective, and knowledge that I didn't possess to share with Ewan myself.

Never, ever underestimate the influence of a father in your child's life.

I meant every word that I wrote.  However, seven little words in paragraph two are what made me take down the entire post.  "We were equals as parents.  A team."

Yesterday I shared how so many of my memories are tainted with negativity.  I can't say that my memories parenting with Dale are tainted.  We had disagreements as we learned how to parent, but nothing out of the ordinary.  Yet, I still had to take down that post because we were not equals in our marriage.  We were not a true team.  If Dale were still here today, we would either be still married or divorced.  And to completely honest, in either scenario, I believe to my very core that those words, "We were equals as parents.  A team, " would not hold true.  That is why I had to take it down.  Even though those words were all true in context.  I couldn't share that with the word because out of context, it was quite a different story.

Nothing Sweet about this Bitter

In December, I shared a post about what I referred to as my "midlife crisis."  I self diagnosed myself after doing a Google search and I even found this handy visual to show the process or steps of a midlife crisis.

In December, I was feeling down... I was in the depressed stage.  I got tired of it, and decided to take some action to help alleviate some of that anxiety.  I have visited this blog more.  I revived the blog that I left this one for, which focuses on  living a happy and healthy life (and have been posting almost daily for nearly two months now).  I have worked out 30 out of the last 35 days and my mood had started to lift.

As all of this was going on, I started to notice bits of anger come in and out from time to time, and they were directed at Dale.  I can honestly say, that throughout everything, I never became angry.  I never felt real anger towards him.  I never hated or blamed God.  I never hated or blamed society or the stigma on mental health or on the treatment that he finally began to take part in during his last few months.  I did feel some anger towards this family.  But never Dale.  I was deeply sad for him.

Not all of my memories with Dale are happy ones.  One of the things that I had have to deal with as I think back on my life with him, is that so many of my memories are tainted with his mood swings, sharp words, and the realization that I wasn't as happy as I thought I was during those moments.  But I took ownership for the choices that I made and that empowered me rather than making me feel like a victim.  And I had no regrets.  I made, what I believed to be, the best choice at any of those given times.

So now as I am going through this "midlife crisis" I can't help but to think back on my younger years of my twenties and even into my earlier thirties and the truth of the matter is that those years were very heavy and stressful.  Dale put his health and happiness into my hands.  Not his, mine.  And I was blamed when he fell into a bad cycle.  Repeatedly, over the course of our 13+ years together.  He was exhausting.  I had very few friends.  I was isolated from my family.  Life revolved around him and his illness.  I believe that there is a big part of him that wanted it that way, and I let it happen.  And after all of this time, I can see the truth and the reality of our relationship and I am angry at him for not doing anything to help himself deal with his issues other than to dump and blame it on me.  Those actions took pieces away of my life and I have so many empty, black hole, memories as it is.

Part of me is happy to have some of this anger inside and to be able to surface it and release it.  At the same time, I feel that this anger places blame on Dale and that takes away my ownership of it.  That makes me like I had less control over my life, that I let things happen, and that is leading to the beginning of feeling some amount of regret and bitterness.  Which I don't want to feel.

These emotions are not shocking to me.  They have a right to be there.  I do hope that they will come and pass.  I do not want to get stuck in any of them and I do not want to live with anger or resentment towards Dale.

Words I Was Ready For

My son goes through the ebb and flow of missing his father.  Weeks can go by with little to no mention of him.  Then, for no rhyme or reason, he can't make it through three nights in a row without crying.  It is something that I have come accustomed to.  Even though my son was only 20 months old when Dale passed, as he has gotten older, he has gotten more aware.  He knows that other children have a father and he doesn't.  He is working through all of that and is trying to make sense and accept that.  It breaks my heart to see him upset and cry, but he never really had the chance to grieve him when he did die, because he was so young.  It seems perfectly natural to me for him to go through this process.

I also readied myself for words that would be completely logical to a child and words that I finally heard two weeks ago.  "Mommy, I want to die so that I can see daddy."  If I hadn't prepared myself for this, I would have lost my sh!t.  But it seems like a reasonable request at the age of 6, when you don't quite understand what death really means.

Now if you don't think that there was a part of me inside screaming at the top of my lungs, then you're crazy!  But, since I readied myself, I told him that I missed daddy too and how wonderful it would be to see him again.  However, I told him that if he died, then that means that I would never see him again and that would break my heart.  We talked about all of the wonderful things that we do in life that he wouldn't be able to do or see again.  He seemed to understand and had to settle for feeling daddy in his heart instead.

At Peace

I have had two dreams in the past few weeks where Dale had appeared.  While I remember just bits and pieces between the two, the general feeling that I was left after waking from them was the same.

In the first, Dale had come back.  Although I have always been aware in my dreams that he is dead, his appearance has always been explained through him coming back to life or even that his death was a big hoax.  In this dream, I wasn't aware of where he came back from, only that he was there.

The magnitude of the pull and the desire to be with him, to be near him, was so strong.  It reminded me of how I felt about him in life.  If I could choose one word to describe how I felt about him, it would be adore.  I absolutely adored him.  So you can imagine my elation to be with him once again.

What I was aware of in this dream, was that there was another man in my life, John.  He didn't make an appearance, but I was fully aware of his presence and importance in my life.  I knew that he, not Dale, was the one that I belonged with.  He was the one that was right for me at the point in my life.

What I felt for Dale was a connection, not on a romantic level and far beyond a friendship level.  I don't know quite how to explain it, but to compare it to a love that you feel towards your child. It was genuine and pure.  Unconditional.  A bond that could not be broken, even with having another man in my life.  My second dream, which I remember even less details from, only reaffirmed this.

I can't help but to let my mind wander from time to time to think about what life would be like if Dale were still here.  I wonder what life would have been like if he stayed, but our marriage didn't last.  How would we have acted and felt about one another?  How hard would that have been to sever those ties?  I can't help but to think that perhaps the timeline might have been the same.  I'd like to think that in the end, we would have been able to remain friends, even if our marriage had come to an end (as it was heading that way).

Back to reality, I'd like to think that we are both at peace now.  While his mind destroyed his life, mine has worked it's way to a place where I couldn't ask for more.  A place where confusion, denial, fear, and anger have left and have been replaced with an indescribable warmth of peace and happiness to see him once again, even if only in my dreams.

I do hope that Heaven is real.

It Gets Lonely

My grandparents were married for 63 years before my grandmother passed away nearly three years ago.  With what we have become accustomed to with marriages these days, that is absolutely incredible!  If John and I were ever to reach 63 years of marriage, he would be 106 and I would be 100!  LOL  But back to my story...

You can imagine how extremely difficult it was for my grandfather to lose his love, the woman that  he spent 63 years, and 75% of his life with.  He had already become more emotional of a man as he aged and he could cry on a dime.  Watching my grandfather mourn my grandmother was just heart wrenching.  He visits her at the cemetery every day and he never misses a birthday, anniversary, or holiday to publish a small memorial write-up in the newspaper or to have a mass in her name at the church.  She was the love of his life and that is how he honors her memory and keeps her alive and close.  

This past Christmas I drove back to Western New York to spend it with my family.  I stayed for about a week and the day before I left I went to my grandfather's house to visit.  That is when he told me about his dream...

He told me how he had dreamt about going to a New Year's party at my cousin's house.  At the party was this woman that everyone was trying to set my grandfather up with.  This woman was real, the mother of a friend of the family's.  However, in this dream, she didn't like my grandpa.  It really hurt his feelings and so he came home early from the party.  

When he finished, he didn't cry!, he chuckled at himself.  Then he looked up at me and said, "It gets lonely... you know."

Yes it does g-pa, yes it does.

I could tell that he felt a little guilty for having this dream and since my mother was right there, he mentioned that perhaps he shouldn't say anything before telling us the dream.  But I am happy that he did.  As someone who has worked out so much through my dreams, I was happy to have heard his.  I think that shows that he has come a long way.  My grandpa is the cutest old man!  He's 86 years old and I don't think the he is looking for a relationship.  But I can imagine how lonely it gets for him.  Atleast I had my son at night and I such a long future to look to fulfilling with love once again.  I would be fantastic if he met a lady friend.  But just in case he doesn't, my family has done a great job of taking him out and having fun with him.  Sometimes I wonder if he has more of a social life than I do, lol.  But good for him.  He deserves to be happy and to enjoy the time that he has left here before he reunites with my grandmother once again.

Catching Up

What better way to catch up on an absent year than to reflect on the past year.  Overall, 2015 was a great year and it leaves so much to look forward to in 2016!  Ironically, that even though I declared myself in a state of a midlife crisis in my last post, I wasn't overly emotional about New Year's yesterday as I typically am.  Instead of looking back too much into the past and too far into the unknown future, I was just happy and thankful for this past year and excited and hopeful about the plans that I do have in this new year.  But just in case you missed me over the passed year, this is what I have been up too...

After saying goodbye to this blog in January, I immediately began a new blog, "A Moment's Glory."  I thought that it would be an outlet and representation of where I was at the time.  I took a photography course in January and February and was excited about showcasing my love for photography and my writing in a combined effort.  However, neither the blog nor the photography lasted long.  I loved the course.  I learned how to use my new camera and how to take some great shots!  I realized that like my personal/family photos, I just started a collection that had the potential to become a giant mass to put onto my to-do list.  I hate editing photos and for whatever reason, I hate deleting them as well.  I found it hard to write and my blog never took off.  I can't say that I was extremely disappointed about it because I ended that blog to start a new one.  Whaaaat?!?  That's right, you read it correctly.  I stopped writing in "A Moment's Glory" at the end of April because I had started a new blog, lol.  But, before getting to that I have a few more events to update on that occurred in-between.

In February, John, Ewan, and I took our first family vacation.  We went to Puerto Rico and it was fantastic!  It was great to have some uninterrupted family bonding time, especially for John and Ewan.  Ewan even began to swim on his own! thanks to John!  Besides that, Puerto Rico was just beautiful.  Flying in from NYC was so easy and being that we were still in US Territory made it such a smooth vacation.  We enjoyed it so much that we even booked a flight back in October to check out wedding venues!

In March I went to a home party for a facial line of beauty products.  I wasn't particularly interested in those products, but I wanted to help out a friend who had just signed up to sell them.  Well... I didn't come home with products, but I did come home with the idea of starting up my own business!  I had written in this blog before about wanting to do something more and different in the job field.  So, beauty products (which I have never been into, besides wearing makeup from Walgreens) seemed somehow like a good choice, lol.  I didn't sign up with my friend though.  Those products were very expensive and full of chemicals.  So I did some research.

In April, I became an official consultant with Lemongrass Spa.  A small beauty and skin care line company with natural and organic products.  The products are fantastic but even more so healthy and safe to use.  I started to pay attention more to the products that I was using, not only in my shower but in my makeup and even in what I was using to clean the house.  It's amazing what is allowed in our products!  So I was happy and proud to share a safe and affordable alternative to my family and friends and clients that I met along the way.  What I also learned along the way of this newfound business is that I am a terrible salesperson!  I still have yet to recruit anyone to join the team.  But I love the products, I believe in them, and I am doing something that is waaay outside of the box for me and my comfort zone regardless.  I was also inspired to start that new blog with the focus on being healthy and happy.   I posted about inspiring people, positive quotes, and whatever else I could find to help people to find and appreciate their own individual and unique inner beauty.  I even set up a donation page with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention in which I (publicly) shared Dale's story.  I donate 10% of my earning from Lemongrass Spa to the AFSP as well.  In April, everything seemed to come together in an unforeseen way.  However, I have to say that it has been tough to maintain.  I have not been organized with my blog and go long periods without posting.  I have also lost some intensity in my business since becoming engaged and busy planning a wedding. But they are both still there and were a big part of my 2015.

May marked the 4th anniversary since Dale's death.  My parents were visiting that weekend and I tried to go along as if it were a regular day.  That didn't come out quite right.... what I mean is that the prior 3 anniversaries, it was as if time stopped.  I put my life on hold and dedicated that day to being alone with my son.  This year, I didn't push anyone away.  I found that I wanted to, but not only were my parents visiting, I now live with someone and couldn't escape.  It proved to be a difficult day in a different way.  It was hard living "normally" on that day.  I think some built-in quite time is appropriate for that day, but I also think that continuing to live on that day is equally important too.  I learned that on this anniversary.

Ewan graduated from kindergarten in June!  He loved his teacher and he loved school and I couldn't ask for anything more.  He had a fantastic year and I was am just so incredible proud of him!  (More on him in a later post.)

Late June/early July is when I had the dream that awakened my midlife crisis.

In August, John and I vacationed in The Nordic Lands!  We started off in Stockholm, Sweden for a couple of days.  Then we flew to Copenhagen, Denmark for just a day and a half before taking an overnight ferry to Oslo, Norway.  It was on the ferry somewhere in the middle of the Black Sea that John proposed to me.  We had been taking about it and I knew that it was coming.  Although, if he hadn't slipped and accidentally (without him even knowing it) showed me the ring in Stockholm, I would have been completely surprised that he decided to do it during the vacation.  Needless to say it was an extra special and memorable vacation.  Besides that, The Nordic Lands are just beautiful.  We went hiking in Norway and OMG... the views were simply spectacular!

Ewan turned six and started first grade on the same day in September!  It also became official that John had been in Ewan's life longer than Dale had been.  It's sad to think of it that way.  However, John and Ewan have developed their own special relationship.  Ewan does not call John dad and when asked he says that his dad is dead and that he doesn't have one.  He is very comfortable and matter-of-fact in his words when he says this.  More so than I am.  John is not upset by this at all and I respect and appreciate that from him.  I have never spoke to Ewan about John and his role.  I wanted that to take its own course.  Honestly, it makes me happy that Ewan reserves that special spot for Dale.  John will get all of the rewards of being able to be an active part of Ewan's life and being able to watch him grow.  Dale won't.  More than anything, I am glad that Dale is still alive in Ewan's heart and mind.

Wedding planning, wedding planning, wedding planning.... that pretty much sums up the end of my year!  Yes, I am having a wedding.  A big one in fact.  I was perfectly fine in not remarrying.  Once engaged, I was find with a small destination wedding.  However, through a series of different events, we are having a wedding in NYC (Staten Island to be exact) and after lots of hesitation, we are all in.  John has never been married before and has lots of friends and family.  For me, my life is very different now.  My family remains the same, but my friends are completely different than 14 years ago when I married Dale.  My friend Jessica told me that I had more reason to celebrate than anyone and those words opened the door to wanting a day to celebrate and have a blast with the people who have been a part of (atleast on my end) the journey from picking up the pieces to building a whole new life in the past (almost) five years.

So there you have it!  The general gist of my 2015.  I do have so much to look forward to in 2016 and I wish all of you a very happy and healthy new year!!!