Minimizing

I am going to take advantage this (almost) last day of February, aka the month of love according to The Happiness Project  to write again about (or more accurately, lack there of) it...

I have been a hypocrite.  I write all the time about the little things and how they mean so much and I truly do believe that.  However... I feel as if I have overlooked some events that have happened recently and have downplayed them because they weren't "big" enough and by doing that, I wasn't being fair to myself.

"Big" events... There are those moments, those events that will always stand out and be remembered no matter how long time has passed... wedding days, birth of a child, death of a loved one... Fortunately and unfortunately, these events don't happen very often and that is part of the reason why they hold such significance.  It's hard to compare "regular" days with days such as these and perhaps there is a reason why.

My husband passing is obviously one of those significant events that has happened to me.  It was so overwhelmingly traumatic that the emotions felt outweighed all of the happiness that I felt on my wedding day and do I even dare say all of the joy I felt on the day my son was born?  Probably so despite the enormous and genuine happiness and joy I felt on those two days.  That's just to put into perspective how painful his death was.  So how can I compare other events to one such as that?  I shouldn't, but I have.

When things did not work out with the guy that I had been seeing for the past few months, I minimized its importance by comparing it to the pain felt when I lost my husband.  Comparing other events to those big ones would make most events seem trivial.  However, this break up is still bothering me.  I am still hung up.  So, it's not trivial.  There were many little things that happened in this relationship and they do mean something.  I think that I have finally realized this and that is why I now just realized how much I truly liked this guy and how hurt I really am in this present moment.

Because I minimized his importance, I immediately jumped back out into the dating world.  Literally, just a day or two later.  And in these past three weeks, ugh... it's been brutal out there.  I've been hellbent in getting back out there so quickly, but it hasn't helped at all in moving on.  It actually has made me feel worse.  And it only has been... three weeks!

This man truly played a significant role.  In the beginning, he was absolutely wonderful.  With him, I was able to feel again.  It happened so easily and quickly with him and  I felt an indescribable amount of appreciation because it was he who provided the safety and comfort to allow that for me.  That's about as big of a deal as I could have experienced at that time in my life only four months ago.  And I loved who he was for that. I know that I needed to say good bye to him, but the more significant and influential a person is in your life, the deeper it hurts and I again am enduring (in its own right) another loss. 

So, I will no longer compare happinesses or pain to those "big" events.  They are in a class by themselves for a reason and that is where they need to stay.  I want to find complete bliss in those little things and I want to appreciate and grow from pain and hurt that I know I can never escape from.  But I must feel them for what they are truly worth and in order to do that, they just cannot be minimized. 

Finding that "Perfect Home"

I am sure at some point I have mentioned my love for HGTV.  I used to be addicted to the house buying shows like House Hunters and Property Virgins.  I loved, loved, loved them.  When I bought my own house, I ended up with the first one that I looked at and I have to admit, I felt a bit jipped.  Good thing HGTV allowed me to live vicariously through others as I tagged along on their journey to finding their perfect house. 

No, no way am I looking to purchase a house right now.   My thought however is this... Is finding that "perfect" home like finding that "perfect" partner?

When buying a home, there are some big things that almost everyone considers like location and price.  Also, there is that feeling that people are looking for when they walk into a house.  That indescribable feeling that assures them that this is just the place for them... home.

When looking for a long term partner we have our own list of personal needs and wants, just like one would have in searching for a home.  There may be some unexpected and pleasant surprises that pop up and some things that we may have to compromise and give up in order to get as close to what we want as possible.... wait, was that last statement geared towards house hunting or partner hunting?  ;)


But what about that feeling?  Well, on HGTV, if a person isn't feeling it and it is a great house, the relator or perhaps the significant other tries to persuade the hesitant one by showcasing all of its great features.  And many times, it works!  I have yet to find a new home owner admit that they purchased the wrong home (at the end of a 30 minute show).  I do wonder how many do end up regretting their decision.  But I do agree that sometimes it does take the perspective of another and a kick in the a$$ to make us see something that we should, but for some reason may be blinded too... wait, was that last statement geared towards house hunting or partner hunting?  ;)

As I am writing this, I am also texting one of my very insightful friends who incidentally just bought a house a few months ago.  She told me that they actually found a home they loved, but lost it.  Oh, the one that got away.  :(   The house that they did buy has a lot of potential and since moving in, she says it really has grown on her.  Hmmm....

When I met and married my husband, I have to admit that I didn't think much about it.  I went with my feelings and I was in love.  Despite all that has happened, I have no regrets as my feelings were genuine and I was happy.  I feel that I was meant to marry him.  Now, I have experience and wisdom that are not going to allow me to solely follow my feelings this next time around.  However, I do not want to become mechanical in finding a partner though either.  I don't want to be consumed in thoughts and analysis of the people that I date because I think that takes away from that pure excitement and joy in meeting someone that makes you feel something magnificent.  Because unlike a home... you cannot change someone to fit your needs, wants, and desires. 

I think there needs to be a balance.  You need both, or atleast I do.  With the man that I have posted so much about in the past month or so, I definitely had that feeling (in fact I still do :() and at one point he seemed to be nearly all that I needed and wanted with both compromise and pleasant surprises.  As time went on and communication broke down,  many of those great qualities that I need in a man seemed to disappear.  Last week, I went out with another man.  I had a great time.  He was a gentleman.  He was interesting.  He was cute.  I didn't feel a thing.  I just couldn't imagine myself touching him or being touched by him.  I don't know why I felt this as he was not an unattractive man.  I wondered if I should go out with him again (and again) to see if that spark appears, but perhaps he was feeling the same towards me as we texted a few times after the date, but then we both seemed to disappear. 

I write all the time about finding that someone amazing... to me that amazing person will fulfill my needs and my wants... although I'm sure will be altered through both compromise and pleasant surprises.  And I will have that indescribable feeling that he is just... home. 

Although I am a big fan of the song "Home" by Philip Phillips, there is another song called "Home" that I have been waiting for over a year to find the perfect post to share it with.  This version of "Home" is by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and its sweet and fun, and I am so glad to finally be sharing it.

What a Difference...

What a difference time can make.  Last year at this time, I was in Las Vegas vacationing... alone.  I was just beginning to be able to look ahead to the future as I still was grieving and trying to understand all that had happened only months before.  I had just started to dip (just the very tip) of my toes into the world of dating.  Although I wasn't ready, it was just the beginning baby steps which were intended to help me to get comfortable with the idea of starting all over again with someone new. 

Two years ago, my husband and I were visiting my family as we both had President's week off.  This was the week that essentially changed everything.  It was during this week that I truly opened my eyes and saw all of the issues and problems in my marriage for what they really were.  This was the week that after years of silence, I spoke.  I spoke with love and kindness as I wanted for us to be together, but I knew we couldn't go on the way we were.  We needed to fix ourselves, both individually and as a couple.  What I didn't know at the time was that with each word I spoke, those words untied the knots that my husband had spent years creating.  When those knots unraveled, so did his state of mind.  Looking back on it now, I feel as though once things were set in motion, they were set in stone.  :(

This week, today, right now... I can sit here and smile and truly feel the positive energy that it creates.  I don't think that I will ever forget what happened from this time of year each year until May 17, the date in which he died.  However, I am confident that with each passing year, the haunting memories will be lessened little by little.  And when I think back to what was going on exactly two years ago, it seems like a lifetime ago.  It does.  So much has happened.  So much has changed.  I have changed.  It is hard to believe that so much can happen and change in such a short amount of time.  But it does.  And that can be both a blessing and a curse.

But since this blog is intended to keep me guided in the direction towards the light... I do wonder what next year will bring at this time.  I look forward to it as I still remain hopeful.  I also still remain appreciative of the moment as well as I know that there is also so much to look forward to between then and now as well.  What a difference time can make...

My Turkish Tom Cruise

My Tom Cruise can do that with scissors!

Now I'm talking classic Tom Cruise. the one we all fell in love with in the 80's.  I would even go so far as to compare my Turkish TC to Top Gun TC, however, my TC is my hair stylist and the way he flips and works those scissors, it's more like Tom Cruise making a dirty martini in Cocktail!

Typically, I let my hair grow way out in between cuts not because it looks good, but because I try to stretch out my hair styling between visits to my home town.  Why would I go to a teeny tiny city in the corner of western NY to get a haircut and highlights when I live in NYC!?!  Easy... $$$!  I do like my hometown hair stylist, she does good work.  But, what I love more is that I can get a cut and coloring both for the price of just a haircut in NYC.  But, sometimes the time is just too far between and I have to get it done here. 

So today I visited my TTC.  This is only the second time that I have gone to him and the last time was about a year ago.  But, he remembered me!  And he convinced me to go super short with a full bang.  Not only that, this style... "European" he says is cut unevenly.   Boy, am I living on the edge!  I love symmetry and the last time my hair was cut uneven was not intentional... it was done by me in college when I had very curly hair and no one could tell, lol.  But about the cut... I like it.  It's fun, flirty, and classy all at the same time.  I just hope it doesn't make me look too classy or aka... old.  I am also worried that it may stray some potential dates away (I'm having a hard enough time as it is!) as men seem to love long hair.  But, we shall see as I officially reveal it to the public tomorrow at work.

But anyways, back to the headliner, my Turkish Tom Cruise... he obviously is very good looking.  The weird thing is that both times I was there, there was NO one else at the salon.  No customers... no other stylists.  Both times I did go in the evening closer to closing time, but still, a little weird.  Let me tell you... both times I was there I did let my mind wander as I was being taken care of he worked on my hair.  I tried to channel my inner Samantha Jones and I didn't even need to question WWSD (What would Samantha do?)?  But how would you even... what to say... where to begin...?!?

It was fun to imagine I must admit.  It was even more fun to hear him tell me how great I look with this cut.  And how great he told me I looked for having had a child (our small talk was very limited... I'd like to think we were both daydreaming... Although he probably concentrating on my hair, the sharp scissors, those sorts of things, huh?) However, I did make him really smile and maybe even blush a bit when I said I think I need to take him home so that he can do my hair every morning (I kinda really meant that, lol).  

As I departed he told me to give. him. a. call. if. I. had. any. questions. about. the. cut...?  Lol... did he really mean that?  Anyways, I may not have found my inner Samantha Jones.  I will not call him with questions about my cut.  But, I did leave with a smile as he is just so sweet (and hot) and I want him to stay like that.  So that is the thought that kept me company on the subway ride home... Have I been disappointed (and have heard so many disappointing stories from others) to the point where I would rather keep an ideal of a person than to risk the chance that someone can be both sweet and hot at the same time?  In this case I will... but I am still holding out hope.  (And hopefully this new hair style will help me along the way!!)

Though she be but little, she is fierce!

-William Shakespeare

February = Remember Love

Yes, I am attempting The Happiness Project for the second time.  This time, I am hoping to make it past the third month.  And February brings no other than the topic of... love. 

Here are some interesting tidbits that have happened to me in this department since last February when I was first testing out THP...

1.  It was one year ago that I first stepped back out into the dating world by putting myself out there using online dating sites.  In one year, I have met and gone out on a date(s) with 5 men, 5!

2.  Out of those 5 men, only one truly captured my attention and made me feel something.

3.  Four days ago, yup... Valentine's Day, I was "dumped."  Okay, not really dumped, but I had a (first) date set up for this Saturday, but was told on Valentine's Day morning that he changed his mind.  

4.  I did end up going out on a date yesterday!  It was nice.  ;/

5.  I just joined Match.com tonight.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!


Okay, Gretchen Rubin... How am I doing?

I do think that one thing that I can do besides Love the Ones You're With, is to remember all of the things that I miss most in having a relationship and hold those thoughts close so that I never take them for granted when I do finally have them again. 

Love the Ones You're With

I know that someday I will again find love.  I know that with that will bring much joy and happiness.  I know that now I feel like I am truly ready and I very much cannot wait to find it.  However...

I know that the dynamics of what is now my family (my son and I) will change.  Welcoming a man, a new father into my son's world will be so wonderful for him.  However, despite the positive changes what will eventually happen one day, they are still changes. 

Right now, it is just me and my son.  Yes, we have other people in our lives but on a day to day basis, it's just the two of us.  My son is fully aware of this and I can honestly say that I feel appreciated by him.  He is so loving and caring and he is always wanting to help me whether its with cleaning, laundry, cooking, or taking care of the garbage, I feel as if he knows he is the man of the house.  There is no doubt in my mind that there is going to be a battle for alpha male once that time comes, lol.  My son and I have a very special bond.  It is one that I never would have had with him had we not had to endure what we did because (even though he was so young and little) we did it together. 

One day I know that I will look back on these days and there will be a part of me that will miss them.  Although I would never again want to experience and walk down the path that my life had taken nearly two years ago, I know that there has been something precious, something sacred in them.  I will forever be grateful that I had my son because he was a constant reminder of all that is good in the world and all the beauty that life has to offer.  All I have to do is look into his innocent blue eyes that are just filled with joy and wonder. 

So on this Valentine's Day, I am not going to focus on who I do not have in my life, but who I do have in my life.  There is a tremendous amount of love in my home and for that I am truly blessed and I do not take one bit of that for granted.  These truly are days to remember. 

Touched

It may appear that I have been a bit hung up on all of my dating drama and subsequent breakup as it has captured my blogging focus now for quite some time.  Truth is, I have been hung up.  I didn't think I would be as I wrote in an earlier post that I had not fallen in love and I know a far deeper hurt than one such as this.

However, it took a text from a friend last night to make me realize why this has been so difficult.  She had told me that I was brave for putting my heart out there.  And I truly did.  I may not have fallen in love, but I wanted to, with him.  That is such a big deal for me.  I once had an unbearable amount of pain, hurt, and confusion. I was afraid of disappointing, to be myself, to share my thoughts and feelings, to let someone in.  In the past four months, I had to walk through all of that to get to where I am right now.  That is not to say that I have left behind all of my fears, doubts, and pain, but I have been able to face them and move on despite what lingers.  And it wasn't as scary and as difficult as I imagined it would be.  He just happened to be the person that I did this with and there is a part of me that loves him for that. 

So this is my "This is what I learned" post so that I can now move on from him.

• I will no longer ever feel guilty about any happiness that I find.  It is never too early nor too easy to find happiness.  Embrace that happiness because you never know how long it is going to last. 
•  Life happens to everyone.  We all have our own issues and battles to fight.  Just because I am a young widow with a child doesn't mean I carry drama with me.  It's all in how we accept and handle what life has thrown at us that counts most.
• Dating is often called a game.  You play by your own rules and the ones that you create with your partner.  Share what you want when you feel it is right.   Ask for what you need when you need it.  And if you don't play by the same rules... game over.  
• Your gut is not psychic nor is it immediate.  I can still trust mine.
• I miss being in a relationship.  I miss having that someone special in my life.  I only got a taste of it in this one.  I truly miss it and I am ready to find someone with whom I can develop and create a meaningful relationship with.
• Communication, whether its a lack of it altogether or not given honestly, it breaks down so many other aspects in a relationship like trust, reliability, respect, and your ability to believe in someone.  
• It does take courage to reveal yourself to another.  We keep our true inner selves well protected.  But as comfort sets in and the petals begin to fall off, be honest and true... to yourself and to your partner so that when that last petal falls and all you are left with is your core, let it be the real you, as is.  This you cannot fear, because if you do, you fear finding something amazing.   

White Petals

Dazed and Confused!?!

So if you have been reading my blog over the course of the past two weeks or so, you know that there has been quite a bit of... drama? going on in my world of dating.  I left off on Saturday with my moment of putting myself, my beliefs, and him all on the spot.  I did get an answer back from him... 2 days later and it didn't come out easily either.

Although I did not get any detailed apology or explanation, he did finally tell me that he shut down because he became scared and confused about what he wants.  My response was that I felt the same way.  It didn't excuse his behaviors and the way that he treated me.  I told him that all I wanted from him this entire time was for him to be honest with me and he did open up just a tad more and told me that he enjoying seeing and being with me and that made it harder and added on pressure for him.  (Let me just say that was he added that pressure, I gave him so much space too much in fact.)  As I started to hear more and the fact that  he wanted to meet me and explain more, but still couldn't commit to a date and time he just started to really frustrate and upset me.  All I could think about was Justin Long's line from "He's Just Not That Into You" when he says "If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what."  And that is basically what I told him.  I told him that we already know what we need to know, we just need to be true to ourselves and that there was no need to be confused.  He just didn't want me and I already knew it.  And I said good bye. 

When I went back and reread what I posted on Saturday about assuming what he really could be thinking about committing to a relationship with me, there were some things that he said that fit my "theory."  He just couldn't explain enough to make me understand.  And I had lost trust in him from his failure to communicate with me, so I didn't know if he was purposely not saying much in hopes of continuing to string me along or if he really has that hard of a time (balling up) communicating his inner thoughts.

Since I never dated anyone in high school and I ended up marring the first real boyfriend that I had, this really is my first breakup.  So I spent this past week telling my story to any friend that would listen.  Part of it was to vent, part was to get advice, and part was to help ensure that if I were to get a text or a phone call... I wouldn't go back. 

Interesting, that everyone that I told all agreed on the same conclusion... men.  Guys, you really do have a bad rap.  I still don't want to believe it.  I still believe in the individual.  But there is an overwhelming amount of stories, evidence, patterns in men who do say they are confused and scared and don't know what they want... I know, I Googled it!  Yes, I have this overpowering desire to understand... everything that I can.  So I read and read and read.  They all seemed to say the same thing... he's not into you, he's keeping you on the side in case nothing better comes along, he's not man enough to break up with you himself...  But I did come across one article that was different than the others.  In many ways in did remind me of the book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" and it threw in a different perspective.  Read "Why Men Go Hot and Cold" if interested.

So the question is, where do you draw the line?  How much time do you give and wait?  For me, my time with him is up.  Perhaps it is a good thing that he shut down and left me in the dark.  It made it easier for me to say good bye. 

I have learned so much from this first venture out into the dating world.  It is so much different now then when I was 18.  However, even though I have learned a great deal, I still feel like I am full of questions. 

Let's Assume...

I know, after all of my spiel about not making assumptions, here I go.  I am going to assume.  Truth is, I think that I have already assumed, so why not assume a bit more.  And yes, this is about that guy and its about communication.  Just bear with me.

I had two conversations with two different people today and they really made me think.  The first one was with a female friend.  She is my age, single (never married and no children), and lives a very active and social life, very much like him.  I asked her if she feels that the freedom of her lifestyle makes it easy to become self focused.  She understood what I really meant by the question and admitted it would be a tough transition entering into a relationship with someone like me who already has a child because our lifestyles are very different.  It's not a gradual change as a couple would go through together having their first child together and in my case, the father role is open, perhaps putting on even more pressure.  So she said that even for someone like her who loves children and even wants them one day, it would be difficult to transition. 

This conversation also led to women "like us."  She shared how she had been told by boyfriends of her past that she is a tough woman to date.  She is very independent, intelligent and knows what she wants.  She went on to say that even though most men like to say they want an independent woman, they still want a woman to take care of as well.  It's also easier to take care of someone who is financial dependent and who is materialistically needy as well.  Needs such as I desire, can be intimidating.  You're asking someone to give part of themselves.  That requires effort, constant effort.  It also requires you to put yourself out there and to possibly disappoint or be rejected.  Being single into your mid-thirties can lead to quite a different perspective even if you have only dated a handful of people.  The people of our pasts have all left a mark, good or bad, whether we want it there or not.  The more people you have dated, the more influenced you could possibly be.  And if they ended... the influence is more than likely not all positive. 

My second conversation came from a friend with whom I haven't heard from in a while.  I actually didn't think to much of it, so I was a bit surprised to hear that there was an actual reason.  This friend assumed that we were on a different level of friendship and was disappointed in me that I didn't share things going on in my life as openly as he had expected me to.  Yes, a male friend.  A friend that I actually care alot about.  Not so sure I would text "I love you" to him, but I would give him a kidney if needed.  And no, I never mentioned him.  Anyways... this conversation made me realize even more that the breakdown with my guy (not the friend) was in communication and that I could have said more to make my thoughts, intentions, needs, and wants known.  I did not blatantly ignore any questions or requests from him as he did to me.  But, I left a lot open too.  I left a lot of space for assumptions.  (And not everyone has read The Four Agreements, lol).  Does that mean I am taking his blame?  No way!  He never asked.  But there were many questions that I didn't ask either. 

So let's assume... you are in the shoes of someone starting off a new relationship with me.  Your last relationship ended badly and you were with someone who was financially dependent and let's just say... emotional.  You meet someone like me and let's assume at first it's like a breath of fresh air and you really like and appreciate me.  As you get to know me more you not only realize but are told by me yourself that I am both financially and emotionally stable and independent and never are told nor do you ask what I need and want in a relationship and what I am looking for in this one.  What you do know is that I seem to appreciate life in a more simplistic form like enjoying the moment and the presence of somebody rather than presents from somebody.  You know that I have a child and am very active with him and so you constantly talk about your niece and nephews and show off more pictures of them than I do of my son.  You also know that I am a widow and this is the first real relationship that I have been in since my husband.  As you get to know me more, you also realize that I am a person who does not have a very outgoing and active social life.  I have a more intimate social life.  When I do go out, I come home early because I have a child and therefore have to rely on a babysitter in order to go out.  This is very different than your own and its one that you enjoy.  Would it be safe to assume that this is a lot to take in?  And if we assume that you really liked me, would it be possible that puts the pressure on.  Maybe it even makes you want to take this slow because it could potentially lead to a very different change in life and you wonder if you are really ready for that.  But if you are thinking that way, you're thinking ahead, so you must really like me.  So let's assume a bit more and say that the women in your past have been more involved in your life.  Meaning, they asked more questions of you like where you have been, what have you been doing, and who have you been with.  They also demanded more attention.  You have also noticed that I seem more reserved after getting back together.  Perhaps you assume that you don't know what it means that I don't ask those probing questions about your whereabouts and my reservation makes you a bit nervous.  Perhaps you assume that I am not so much into you.  So you begin to back off a bit.  Distancing yourself is your way of protecting yourself from getting hurt and you also need the time to think about all of this. 

Did I assume that I was being played because if I were in fact the other woman, it made the puzzle appear to be complete and that's what I wanted, to just know... something!? 

My need to not repeat mistakes is definitely something in my mind constantly.  One mistake that I do not want to repeat is to deny what is in front of me.  I do not want to excuse behaviors that effect me in a negative way because I know I deserve so much more than that.  Is it possible though that I assumed worst case scenario because of my desire to protect myself and to prove to myself that I really have learned from my mistakes, so if it looks like a duck and it acts like a duck... Even though he says its not a duck, I don't want overlook what the overwhelming amount of evidence points and I assume that it is a duck. I don't want to be a fool and I don't want to be burned.  This is a sure way to keep myself as safe as I can now.

But, there is another part of me.  There is the part of me that has really come to believe in "The Four Agreements" and have felt the power when following them.  What I am assuming of him, makes him disgusting to me.  There is still the innocent in me who wants to believe in the goodness of people and in him.  Could I have been that off in who I thought he was?  There is also the part of me who has emerged in this past year as a strong and confident woman.  I feel like I know what is important in life.  I know what I want for both myself and my son.  I know what I deserve.  I know what I lost.  Having said that, I trust in myself that I will make the best decisions without compromise as I am focused on finding my amazing and creating an amazing life together.  I am in no rush and I certainly am not going to force it to happen with just anyone. 

But for just a minute, let's assume.   Let's assume the best case scenario and everything added up in a different way.  A way I never could have imagined because there is a whole part of the story that I do not know.  It seems unlikely, I know.  Life doesn't work in a fantasy, fairy tale like way.  But what if it did.  Don't we all want that fairy tale happy ending?  It sounds irrational... but, "If you always chose the rational, you may miss out on the extraordinary." 

There are some people that just get to us.  For some reason, he is one of them. That does not excuse him from any of his actions and behaviors.  However, I want to truly see the power of an open communication, so I need to open the door.  I am going to respond to his last text in which he said its not what it seems and that he does want to talk to me about it.  Even though it had been 3 days already and I told myself I wouldn't,  I am going to do this for me, not for him.  I want to stand by my beliefs and I am confident that I can do this and stay true to myself. 

So let's assume... nothing.  And see what happens.