The other day someone told me that they thought that I was becoming more introspective. They thought that I was too busy analyzing instead of "getting out there" and thus becoming more reclusive. This came from someone whose opinion and advise I appreciate. But I should also mention that this came from someone whom does not live near me. They do not see nor speak to me on a daily basis and it is because of that I was a bit put off by that comment.
Introspective... I cannot deny that. This blog is over a year and half's worth of evidence to prove that point. Although I would never deny that I am someone who thinks probably way too much and someone who does analyze, even over analyze at times. I have always been this way. After many, many years of not sharing, I am finally releasing most of my thoughts, mainly through this blog, and it is truly is a great release for me. That is one of the main reasons why I have chosen to turn this journal of mine into a blog. My thoughts are given life with just the possibility that someone may read them. In a paper journal, they are only one step away from being a thought that only swims in my head. That's when things get over analyzed, when they have no where else to go but to remain regurgitated in one's mind.
I cannot help that I have an overwhelming desire to understand. I have been left with so many questions, questions that will never be answered. That has left me confused and unsettled and I have had to do and am doing all that I can to make sense with what I have, with what I know and to try my best to let go of the rest. There is nothing else that I can do to alleviate myself from the past in that aspect. But, I can use what I have learned to help me to be more knowledgeable in the present so that I won't ever find myself feeling this way in the future again.
That's all I have been trying to do... is to make sense of life, my life and all that has happened and to try to learn from my past so that I can appreciate the moment and to find happiness in the future. And its not because I think I deserve it or am entitled to it because of what happened, it is because I earned it by thinking and noticing little things and learning and growing and making good decisions based on my gut... yes feelings, intelligent feelings that I have learned to trust.
Above all, I have desired to not live in vain or bitterness. I do not consider myself a survivor or a victim for that matter and I don't want to live like one. I have but one life to live and I know that it can end in an instant. I also know the pure hell that people endure right here on earth. I once read in a book, "if people can live in and create their own hell, why can't we live in and create our own heaven here on earth?" I've seen hell, I've seen it through my husband's eyes and I'll be damned if I ever see that look in my son's eyes. I'm choosing to create a heaven for my son and myself. And if it takes some extra time and effort to think about things for me to do just that, than so be it.
Logic, analysis, reasoning... call me a scientist. I'd love to be an Einstein in my own right. But I'm not all thoughts... I do feel. And I want more than anything to feel more. When I meet someone who does make me feel more and think less, that's when I know for sure. I have posted more times this past June than I usually do in three months combined. I like to think of it as a growth spurt. I was "regrouping." And what I do know now is that I feel that I have learned enough and have healed enough to find that someone who will put my mind at ease. I have left my charm bracelet with hope and that is a great place to end with enough room for all the wonder and amazement that can be brought by love. And I do want that. I am ready now.
The Scientist... Coldplay
It just seemed to fit.
Introspective... I cannot deny that. This blog is over a year and half's worth of evidence to prove that point. Although I would never deny that I am someone who thinks probably way too much and someone who does analyze, even over analyze at times. I have always been this way. After many, many years of not sharing, I am finally releasing most of my thoughts, mainly through this blog, and it is truly is a great release for me. That is one of the main reasons why I have chosen to turn this journal of mine into a blog. My thoughts are given life with just the possibility that someone may read them. In a paper journal, they are only one step away from being a thought that only swims in my head. That's when things get over analyzed, when they have no where else to go but to remain regurgitated in one's mind.
I cannot help that I have an overwhelming desire to understand. I have been left with so many questions, questions that will never be answered. That has left me confused and unsettled and I have had to do and am doing all that I can to make sense with what I have, with what I know and to try my best to let go of the rest. There is nothing else that I can do to alleviate myself from the past in that aspect. But, I can use what I have learned to help me to be more knowledgeable in the present so that I won't ever find myself feeling this way in the future again.
That's all I have been trying to do... is to make sense of life, my life and all that has happened and to try to learn from my past so that I can appreciate the moment and to find happiness in the future. And its not because I think I deserve it or am entitled to it because of what happened, it is because I earned it by thinking and noticing little things and learning and growing and making good decisions based on my gut... yes feelings, intelligent feelings that I have learned to trust.
Above all, I have desired to not live in vain or bitterness. I do not consider myself a survivor or a victim for that matter and I don't want to live like one. I have but one life to live and I know that it can end in an instant. I also know the pure hell that people endure right here on earth. I once read in a book, "if people can live in and create their own hell, why can't we live in and create our own heaven here on earth?" I've seen hell, I've seen it through my husband's eyes and I'll be damned if I ever see that look in my son's eyes. I'm choosing to create a heaven for my son and myself. And if it takes some extra time and effort to think about things for me to do just that, than so be it.
Logic, analysis, reasoning... call me a scientist. I'd love to be an Einstein in my own right. But I'm not all thoughts... I do feel. And I want more than anything to feel more. When I meet someone who does make me feel more and think less, that's when I know for sure. I have posted more times this past June than I usually do in three months combined. I like to think of it as a growth spurt. I was "regrouping." And what I do know now is that I feel that I have learned enough and have healed enough to find that someone who will put my mind at ease. I have left my charm bracelet with hope and that is a great place to end with enough room for all the wonder and amazement that can be brought by love. And I do want that. I am ready now.
The Scientist... Coldplay
It just seemed to fit.
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