Completely Ordinary

I absolutely love this quote.  It sums up exactly how I think and feel when I speak of happiness and amazement.  There is nothing "extraordinary" about me and my life.  I am however trying to live it a way in which I personally feel fulfilled and that does make me feel extraordinarily happy and constantly amazed.  

So Much Joy

So much joy... that is what my summer vacation has been so far.  And so far, my summer vacation has been very simple.  What has been bringing me so much joy is my son.  I am having such an amazing time doing the simplest of things with him.  There have been no grand adventures.  So far, all that we have done is visit my parents, go to a few pool parties, spend a couple of mornings at the beach, and  ride bikes to the neighborhood playground.  That's it.  Our biggest day out was today, we took the subway to the Central Park Zoo, ate ice cream, climbed the "mountains" in the park, and played at a playground.  It was a blast!

Since day one of my summer vacation, which has almost been a month, my son has been such a sweetheart!   So much so it reminds me of how he consistently used to be before the terrible threes and what has turned into the sassy fours.  Not that I haven't seen any sweetness in the past two years, lol, but not so as much without the other stuff thrown in between.  And, it has been awesome!

The sassy mouth started around December.  I have to admit, this phase has been my least favorite and the hardest for me.  I hated the threes when he got angry and would throw things.  But my already vocal child now vocalizing his opinion on e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Everything!  And not always in a pleasant or appropriate tone, ugh... tested my patience to the very core. 

My little boy is growing up.  He is going to be starting kindergarten in September and in these past few weeks, I've noticed some other changes in him as well.  He looks older.  He's losing more of that baby look to him.  His vocabulary has also changed alot as well.  The words that he uses and the expressions that he uses, lol... they make me laugh!  So yes, I have really been enjoying the extra time that I am fortunate to have with him while I am on summer vacation.  (The perks of being a teacher!)

He is still keeping me on my toes, but even when he is, I can see that light in his eyes.  He's trying to play me.  But deep down he's every bit the sweetheart that I have had a hard time parting with (Only sent him to day care once so far, once!  That's how great it's been!).  And that has brought me so much joy and happiness.  So much I almost don't know what to do with it, but to just enjoy and appreciate every drop of it. 

:)

Not always an easy task, but when you make a conscious effort it becomes easier and more habitual.  The reward is... genuinely feeling the truth in this quote.   

My Truth

For over the past two and a half years, I have used this blog as an outlet to help me to not only release my thoughts, but to help sort them as well.  This blog was also my way of owning those thoughts and feelings because once they became published, they were out there in the world.  It didn't matter if 100 people viewed my blog, 10, or 0... I wrote them just the same because this was as it still is, for me.  As I think back on the posts that I have written, I realize that there were certain topics or points that I brought up repeatedly.  When I think of them now, I understand why they came up so frequently, and they did because I needed to remind myself of them.  I needed to hear myself say them over and over again because they were topics that I had questioned and even doubted in and about myself. 

Two and a half years ago, when I first began writing, I was still in the beginning stages of healing after the death of my husband, which happened by his own choice.  Suicide.  My life was shattered and not only was the life that I had once known gone, but there so were so many questions.  So many questions, so many doubts, so many uncertainties that completely overwhelmed me.  But I took a deep breath and ever so slowly and ever so carefully, put one foot in front of the other and moved forward the best and only way that I knew how. 

I have always shared my thoughts, my feelings... my life, honestly.  Some things were easy to share and reveal, some took some time.  Two and half years later, I can finally reveal more of my truth.

My truth... I was given a second chance.  You do not need to search long and hard to find a tragic story about a family with one of its members having a mental illness.  Even in the early moments of shock and utter sadness, I was grateful for my own life.  Perhaps that was the driving force behind all that I have tried to accomplish and create in these past few years... my appreciation for life. 

Life is not perfect.  There are tough times, sad times, crazy times, and hard to understand times.  But rarely do I complain.  What do I have to complain about?  The things that I can control, I do.  One of the best feelings is taking ownership of your own life and the decisions that you make.  And I do.  I am creating the best life that I can and there is no freer feeling than to know that you have the power to make that happen.  There are many things that I nor anyone else can control, but that is when you have to let go, as hard as it is, and have faith.  It doesn't need to even be a Godly faith, just something that you can believe in to help you to get through the challenges that life brings to us all.   And I have found that as well.  I cannot say that I feel closer to God or that my beliefs have been strengthened.  But I can say that I have grown spiritually as has my faith in the human spirit.  I do believe that there is more beyond the physical vessels that roam this earth.

My greatest truth... I am happy.  I am happy and I can now say that openly without feeling the need to justify it or to explain how I can be despite what has happened.  That's it, plain and simple, I am happy and I love my life.  Deep down, I always have.  It just took a long time to get to the point where I could drop the guilt and let myself embrace that happiness. 

Another's Treasure

 

So here it is.  My ugly bracelet.  Yes, I admit it.  It's rather ugly.  There's no rhyme or reason... the beads are random.  But in actuality, that was the purpose.  I made up my mind in the very beginning that I would go with what I felt and I did and this is what I got, a very expensive piece of jewelry that looks, well... lol.  But it is completely sentimental.  It was worth every penny.  I love it and I will treasure it always.  

This will probably be the last time I will ever mention it in my blog (atleast with any detail).  But as with every other post on this blog, it is entirely for my benefit and I am going to do one last rundown of each bead (because frankly, sometimes I forget :/).  So, starting from the left...

1.  The Koi Clasp:  I've never mentioned having this before, but it was actually the first piece that I had on this bracelet.  I figured that it couldn't help to have a little bit of luck with me.  We all need it from time to time.  

2.  Rose Quartz:  The only bead that I have that didn't represent something that I had learned.  Even though it wasn't the last bead that I bought, it did take the last empty space that I had.  I bought it shortly after meeting John.  Rose quartz is believed to heal the broken heart from the past and to invite love in.  All I knew in the beginning with John was that something felt different and that I wanted a solid and genuine shot to see where it could go.  I didn't want my past (my past relationships or past self) to get in the way of that.  

3.   Purple Passion:  My very first bead which symbolized to me the choices that we have in life.  Live the live that you want.  Sometimes it may be hard to see, but there are always choices.  Choose the life that you want and do so with passion.  

4.  Amazonite Bead:  This is a stone of courage and hope.  To me, this is my bead that represents the tough job of maintaining... to maintain (not to become stagnant) all that I have learned and what has become important to me.  

5.  White Petals:  Truth.  Honesty.  Be yourself.  

6.  "Wherever your heart is, that is where you will find your treasure."  A quote from The Alchemist that is engraved onto this bead. 

7.  Blue Desert:  The bead I got after I took my first solo trip to Las Vegas.  The bead that represents independence.  The ability and more important the knowledge and belief that you can do it!

8.  Green Mosiac:  I got this one about a year ago when I felt that I had healed enough where the pieces were able to be put back together.  There's only so much that you can do and there comes a point where you have to let go and let what you started, what you created play out.  And of course, have a little faith that everything will happen the way in which it was meant to .

9.  Lime Prism:  This one represents our inner light.  We all have one.  Let it shine!

10.  Pink Diamonds:  This one represents the war wounds that life can leave upon us.  But if we choose to, we can overcome what life throws at us and become stronger than we ever thought we could be... like a diamond.  

11.  Caring Light:  Ironic that the only bead that I did not buy for myself was the one that was lost the day that my son took my bracelet apart.  What I lost was a leaf, it represented this blog... to speak your truth without fear and with dignity and poise.  I chose this one to replace it because inside of this heart is a tree and it's name is caring light.  It reminded me of this blog's title and so I chose this one to replace what I once had.  

12.  Blue Swirl:  I chose this one to represent forgiveness. 

13.  Black Flower:  I got this one after my dog Argyle died.  To me, it represents the darkness, the tough times that we encounter in life.  However, even the dark times are surrounded by a light.  It may take awhile to find it, but it is always there.  

14.  White Flower:  The opposite which will always be placed next to the black flower bead because I bought this one after my dog Skye died.  This one is about the past.  The past is just that, in the past and it can be a very tough goodbye.  But there is hope, there is a light, and there is much to look forward to.  

15.  Chakra:  My last and final bead which represents the process.  Don't wish it away, don't rush it.  It's hard, I know that I have.  But it is the process that so much learning and beauty in life is had.  

16.  Blue Swirls:  This bead represents balance and how important balance in every aspect of your life is.  I think one of the keys to happiness, atleast my own, is to live a balanced life.

17.  Orange Swirl:  My second bead, I bought this when I was in Las Vegas.  I had made a mistake in doing so and this became my "don't settle" bead.  Don't settle, be patient, be passionate, and do everything that you can to get what you want.  Don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

18.  Simple Beauty:  It is the simple things in life that mean the most.  Take the time to appreciate the beauty in the simplest of things.  

It took my two years and three months to complete my bracelet. This way in which I chose to represent my learning and growth is over and it is a bit sad that there is no room left on my bracelet.  However, I had fun creating it and I appreciate it for what it means to me.  I have enjoyed the process and what led me to the beads that I have, but I also realize that it ended at a perfect time.  It was in February when I finished filling my bracelet.  A perfect time for this ending because there was so much new and exciting things just beginning in my life.  

So this is it... what may seem meaningless and ugly to one may be an other's treasure.  This is mine. 

Chakras

I'm not quite sure how and why I stumbled on chakras on the Internet not so very long ago, but when I did, I knew.  I knew that I had found the last piece that I was looking for.  But before I tell you what that last piece was, let me tell you a bit about chakras, just in case you don't know.  

There are 7 main chakras or energy points in the body as seen above.  Each point represents a different aspect of our being and from these points, the energies flow within our bodies and they are all connected.   It is important to keep them open so that they can flow for if there are any blockages, it can lead to illness.  But if they are opened too much, it can also lead to an unhealthy state of mind.  It's all about balance.  So what are these 7 energy points?

1.  The Root Chakra (red):  This represents our foundation or feeling of being grounded.

2.  The Sacral Chakra (orange):  This represents our ability to accept others and new experiences.

3.  The Solar Plexis (yellow):  This represents our ability to be self-confident and in-control of our lives.

4.  The Heart Chakra (green):  This represents our ability to love.

5.  The Throat Chakra (blue):  This represents our ability to communicate.

6.  The Third Eye Chakra (indigo):  This represents our ability to see the big picture.

7.  The Crown (violet):  This represents our ability to be fully connected spiritually.


I have not delved deeper into chakras, but I do enjoy yoga which is connected deeply with the beliefs of the chakras.  So, it was interesting to learn a bit more about them.  And even though it was only at the surface level, there were many connections that I could make myself in my own journey and how I have grown in the past few years.  It was that discovery which led to me finally find the last piece, a bead for the last space that I had left on my charm bracelet.

I had known for quite some time that I had wanted a bead to represent "The Process."  I even bought a bead last fall that was supposed to have the colors of the rainbow, but when I received it, it wasn't even close and I returned it.  When I saw this one, it was even better.  The Process... It is a journey that cannot be avoided.  You never know what life is going to throw along the way, it varies just like the colors of the rainbow.  And just like the chakras... it is fluid.  There are connections and lessons to be learned.  And when you get the chance to step out for just a moment, hopefully you will find that it is within the process that you are creating the masterpiece of which it is your life.  

Thoughts at Bay

Two months ago, when I last posted, my mind was racing.  There were so many new and exciting things going on in my life, yet at the same time, they were causing my mind to race and I felt overwhelmed with both my thoughts and my feelings.  This blog, which sole's purpose is to be a therapeutic release for me, seemed to instigate rather than soothe my racing mind and I felt like my content lost its intent, it's purpose. 

So much of what was going on in my mind at the time revolved around what was coming.  May 17th is the date on the death certificate and it is the date that is etched into the tombstone.  However, for me, May 16th is the hardest day.  That is the day that the act was done.  That is the day that holds the last and final moments of a life.  This year, May 16th was especially hard.  I cried more than I had the year before.  Life was different now.

The events that had taken place, the dreams that I had been having, the significance of what these days meant... they all coincided.  On May 16th I cried for the loss of a life.  Not just any life, but the life of my husband and the life of my son's father.  I cried as I had in the previous years for this loss.  What was different this year and what made it harder than last was that I was crying because I was saying goodbye.  A real and genuine goodbye that I don't think I ever really had done.  Three years.  It was time to truly let go, to let go of everything and to just be.

Everything has been said and done.  There has been an ending.  And my way of saying that goodbye was to post the Eskimo Proverb out to the universe.  If I could say anything to Dale, I would tell him that I hope that he is now at peace and has found that light within him, his happiness.  I have forgiven him.  I have forgiven myself.  I have accepted his life, our life together, and my life now.  And, that was my goodbye.

I woke up the morning of May 17th to find it much like the day after a terrible storm.  It's always sunny.  There is a deafening silence.  There is the horrific sight of all the damage caused.  But it always seems to be sunny.  And that is how I felt.  It was a new day.  A day that wouldn't let you forget what happened, but a new day regardless.  A day to appreciate and to be happy that you were able to open your eyes too.  A new day filled with hope.

So, I took a deep breath and I felt lighter.  All of those thoughts and feelings that had been overwhelming me didn't seem so significant.  I had made my peace and those thoughts were at bay.  I took a break from blogging because I just wanted to make sure that I kept them there.  And I have.
There are so many wonderful things going on in my life right now.  And what's even better, is that I can now feel and appreciate them wholeheartedly without any type of reservation.