In January, I wrote about a reoccurring theme in my dreams at that time which happened to be houses. At that time, I found that the meaning behind dreaming about houses and what was happening in my life at the time (I had just met John) seemed to coincide. It made sense.
Fast forward to late spring. I had never posted about these dreams. I wish now that I had since I don't remember all of them. My dreams were becoming more intense. Dale was now appearing in most, if not all of these dreams that still revolved around homes, however the house itself was not the focus as it was in the past. One that I remember was that I was moving. Dale was somehow in my life and in this dream, I wasn't aware that he was dead as I usually am. Dale had wanted to move with me. It was expected by him that he would be. I had to tell him that he couldn't. I remember his mother being there when I told him. I don't remember being fearful in or of this dream. I just remember how difficult it was to tell him this and how awful it made me feel.
A second dream that I had was one in which I was living with John. Dale was upset. He was annoyed. He didn't want to come into our home, but did so grudgingly because of our son. We sat on an enclosed porch in the front of a house and that is as far as he came in. I don't remember conversations, but this dream wasn't heated. Dale kept it together. It did feel awkward being with both him and John. But that is all that I remember.
A final dream that I "remember" was one that really got to me. At the time, I remembered more details. But not recording them at the time has left me with none. All that I remember was that I was screaming at Dale to leave me alone. I wanted him out of my life.
All of these dreams occurred during the time when John and I were truly starting to build and plan a future together. We decided we were going to move in together. We were talking about our future together. This was all happening around the 3rd anniversary of Dale's death, which was a difficult one... I was going through the process consciously and subconsciously of saying goodbye all over again. And then my mind was quiet...
Until France. Since my return I have been dreaming again. I have had a couple of dreams where Dale was present and I was happy for him to be there. I even think we spoke, which rarely ever happens in any of my dreams with him. I don't remember details of these dreams either. I did at the time and I regret not writing any of it down. It's amazing how quickly a dream can fade.
I had a very disturbing dream last week that I do remember many details of. In this dream Dale was dead. He had been dead for quite some time, 2 years I think I recall. For some reason his body was in a room, which at the time I thought was a living room, but I only recall a sofa and nothing else. He looked himself, just still. We (others were in the dream, but didn't recognize anyone) decided it was finally time to bury him. When he were getting ready to take his body away, a child (not my son or any that I recognize) fell onto his chest. It hit with such force that it jump started Dale's heart. It was almost as if he had been frozen. When he first woke his eyes were absent and he responded to very little. As time progressed, so did he. He started to awaken. I never did get to see him fully back to himself. But there was a point where he looked at me and I could tell that he really did see me. This dream was one that was hard to shake. I had been missing him very much these past few weeks and I wanted him back, back to life.
My last dream was one that I woke to just this morning. Dale was again in my dream and he had found us a new place to live. He did it without neither my input or consent. But he found a home that he was pumped about showing to me. In the dream I was annoyed with him as he showed me this place. I was annoyed because he didn't ask me about it, I didn't like it, and I didn't want to live with him. John was in my head in this dream and I had wanted to live with him. It wasn't until I woke that I thought more about this home that Dale had picked. In real life, it was one that he never would have picked out. This home was run down and patched up. It had many big empty rooms, but both the floors and walls were made of a wood that looked like it had been in a fire. It home itself didn't appear to have been in a fire, but there were pieces of wood patching holes in the walls. The kitchen didn't really exist. There was an oven that was in pieces. And there was an older man working on it, trying to put it back together and to get the house/apt? ready.
When I started to miss Dale when I was in Paris, I kept thinking about all of the wonderful times and memories that we shared. Enough time had passed so that I had really come to peace with Dale. I accepted, I forgave, and the bad memories began to fade. That opened up room to really miss him. This last dream that I just recalled, I think this was my wake up call. My reminder. Even if things had turned out differently and Dale was still here, more than likely we would not have been together as a married couple. This home that was in my dream I think was a representation of what our relationship would have been like today. There was a lot of damage done, but it was all patched up. It makes me happy that it was patched up. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way and there's a sense of peace with that too. However, it wasn't livable. That is not where were supposed to be and life made sure of it. I know this, but apparently my brain thinks I need a harsh reminder of this. I know that John is whom I am supposed to be with now. I love him immensely and I am happy and thankful that he is in my life. I am excited about having a present and future with him. But that doesn't and never will change the fact that I do wish that Dale was still here, and that is something that will never change.
Fast forward to late spring. I had never posted about these dreams. I wish now that I had since I don't remember all of them. My dreams were becoming more intense. Dale was now appearing in most, if not all of these dreams that still revolved around homes, however the house itself was not the focus as it was in the past. One that I remember was that I was moving. Dale was somehow in my life and in this dream, I wasn't aware that he was dead as I usually am. Dale had wanted to move with me. It was expected by him that he would be. I had to tell him that he couldn't. I remember his mother being there when I told him. I don't remember being fearful in or of this dream. I just remember how difficult it was to tell him this and how awful it made me feel.
A second dream that I had was one in which I was living with John. Dale was upset. He was annoyed. He didn't want to come into our home, but did so grudgingly because of our son. We sat on an enclosed porch in the front of a house and that is as far as he came in. I don't remember conversations, but this dream wasn't heated. Dale kept it together. It did feel awkward being with both him and John. But that is all that I remember.
A final dream that I "remember" was one that really got to me. At the time, I remembered more details. But not recording them at the time has left me with none. All that I remember was that I was screaming at Dale to leave me alone. I wanted him out of my life.
All of these dreams occurred during the time when John and I were truly starting to build and plan a future together. We decided we were going to move in together. We were talking about our future together. This was all happening around the 3rd anniversary of Dale's death, which was a difficult one... I was going through the process consciously and subconsciously of saying goodbye all over again. And then my mind was quiet...
Until France. Since my return I have been dreaming again. I have had a couple of dreams where Dale was present and I was happy for him to be there. I even think we spoke, which rarely ever happens in any of my dreams with him. I don't remember details of these dreams either. I did at the time and I regret not writing any of it down. It's amazing how quickly a dream can fade.
I had a very disturbing dream last week that I do remember many details of. In this dream Dale was dead. He had been dead for quite some time, 2 years I think I recall. For some reason his body was in a room, which at the time I thought was a living room, but I only recall a sofa and nothing else. He looked himself, just still. We (others were in the dream, but didn't recognize anyone) decided it was finally time to bury him. When he were getting ready to take his body away, a child (not my son or any that I recognize) fell onto his chest. It hit with such force that it jump started Dale's heart. It was almost as if he had been frozen. When he first woke his eyes were absent and he responded to very little. As time progressed, so did he. He started to awaken. I never did get to see him fully back to himself. But there was a point where he looked at me and I could tell that he really did see me. This dream was one that was hard to shake. I had been missing him very much these past few weeks and I wanted him back, back to life.
My last dream was one that I woke to just this morning. Dale was again in my dream and he had found us a new place to live. He did it without neither my input or consent. But he found a home that he was pumped about showing to me. In the dream I was annoyed with him as he showed me this place. I was annoyed because he didn't ask me about it, I didn't like it, and I didn't want to live with him. John was in my head in this dream and I had wanted to live with him. It wasn't until I woke that I thought more about this home that Dale had picked. In real life, it was one that he never would have picked out. This home was run down and patched up. It had many big empty rooms, but both the floors and walls were made of a wood that looked like it had been in a fire. It home itself didn't appear to have been in a fire, but there were pieces of wood patching holes in the walls. The kitchen didn't really exist. There was an oven that was in pieces. And there was an older man working on it, trying to put it back together and to get the house/apt? ready.
When I started to miss Dale when I was in Paris, I kept thinking about all of the wonderful times and memories that we shared. Enough time had passed so that I had really come to peace with Dale. I accepted, I forgave, and the bad memories began to fade. That opened up room to really miss him. This last dream that I just recalled, I think this was my wake up call. My reminder. Even if things had turned out differently and Dale was still here, more than likely we would not have been together as a married couple. This home that was in my dream I think was a representation of what our relationship would have been like today. There was a lot of damage done, but it was all patched up. It makes me happy that it was patched up. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way and there's a sense of peace with that too. However, it wasn't livable. That is not where were supposed to be and life made sure of it. I know this, but apparently my brain thinks I need a harsh reminder of this. I know that John is whom I am supposed to be with now. I love him immensely and I am happy and thankful that he is in my life. I am excited about having a present and future with him. But that doesn't and never will change the fact that I do wish that Dale was still here, and that is something that will never change.
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