Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem... Seize the Day.  I don't know if I speak for anyone other than myself, but when I used to hear this, I used to think that "seize the day" meant that you had to do something spectacular or extraordinary with it.  Now, I see it completely different...

I am a teacher.  Sad to say, but we teachers like to countdown.  By Monday morning, we are counting down the days to the next weekend.  We countdown the weeks until the next three day weekend, or better yet, the next long break.  We even have a 100th Day of School Celebration which really just makes it easier to countdown until summer vacation.  I was never very extreme, but I have been guilty in counting down.  The unfortunate thing is, I love my job.

In May, things changed.  After my husband's death, it became extremely difficult to look into the future, a future that didn't include him.  It's hard to accept the loss of a loved one, especially one that was so much a part of your everyday life.  Especially one that at one time, you believed and envisioned yourself growing old with.  The best way for me to cope, was to take each day one at a time.

That was seven months ago.  Time can be a great friend.  I can look into the future, not without heartache, but I can look ahead.  I have to admit that there are so many unknowns that it makes it hard to envision my future.  But I have made some plans in the future that I am looking forward to and as for everything else that my future holds, while I don't see specifics, I do see a light... hope and happiness.

I said that time can be a great friend.  People can also make great friends too.  There are some great friends, no... great people in my life that have also helped me to see that living in the moment shouldn't just be a coping mechanism.  Being able to live in the moment is a gift.

It has been seven months and I have not counted down or written off a single day.  I still take it one day at a time.  It's not because I have to in order to make it through the day.  It is no longer a way for me to cope.  It's my new perspective, my new found knowledge that I hope I never lose and that I hope I can pass down to my son.

Today was not an "extraordinary" day.  I did not fly to some foreign country, eat exquisite food, drink expensive wine, tell profound stories or the funniest of jokes.  Today I was greeted first thing in the morning with the warmest of smiles, walked hand in hand with my son to day care, proudly said goodbye to him because he no longer cries when I leave him, chatted with some friends, taught students new skills and celebrated other accomplishments,  benefited from two different people going out of their way to help me out, had my heart burst with love just like it does everyday, my favorite time of day... picking my son up from day care, and then listening to him babble and sing the ABC's on the ride home.

An extraordinary day?  No.  This is pretty much a typical day for me.  Carpe Diem?  Yes.  Why? Because I took the time to appreciate and enjoy all those moments.  Were there some bad moments today?  A few, but not worth mentioning and especially not worth counting this day away.  I wonder what moments I would have missed if I had?

I know that life is not always butterflies and roses and there are events in my days that I don't look forward to.  I just look at them as an experience and that helps me to get through them.   Days will come and go, good and bad.  But each day is precious and we have to make the most of it with whatever it is that we have.  To me, that is seizing the day.