My posts have been pouring out like molasses lately, so I think that this recap is more for me than any readers, but I did recently post about a spiritual journey that I have decided to take. Part of this journey was inspired by some books that I read over the summer including The Four Agreements. In my last post, I wrote about the first agreement, "Be Impeccable with Your Word" and its this agreement that the other three stem from. However, it is the second agreement that hooked me.
Losing a loved one is difficult enough. Losing a loved one to suicide adds an additional layer of difficulties and complexities. Immediately following my husband's death, my main support system immediately took action to make sure that I didn't fall into a pit of guilt. Although sympathetic, these people were actually able to put what had happened to the side so that I could become the main focus. At the time, it was difficult to endure and it almost seemed as if they weren't being sympathetic enough. But looking back at it now, it was pretty amazing of them as my husband had been a part of (some of) their lives as well. I was constantly being reminded that it was his decision and his alone... that my actions and decisions were made out of love and with the best of intentions and simply put, it was not my fault.
I did look down into that dark pit of guilt. I had moments of "what ifs" but I never got too close for fear of falling into that hole. That is not to say that resisting the temptation was easy. It was difficult to face realities and to admit truths, but in the end, it was by doing so that I saved myself from falling into that hole, a hole that would have been extremely difficult to climb out of.
The second agreement is "Don't Take Things Personally." We have to let go of the idea that its "all about me" and that people make decisions because of us. This is true no matter what your relationship is with that person and despite the actions you may have taken towards them. We are all responsible for our own actions and decisions. And we base our actions and decisions based on how we see the world, our own waking dream. My husband was living in his own hell. It didn't matter how much I loved him, how beautiful our son was, or the what could have been a happy life that we created. His sickness made it impossible for him to see all of that. His decision wasn't about me in that it wasn't my fault and that he didn't do it to hurt me. It is not always easy to focus on this agreement and at times my mind does want to wander to the what ifs. It is a conscious effort to think this way but it was a necessity for me to survive. It's also one that is getting easier as time goes on.
It is said that it is during the hardest of times that one's true colors are shown. I have spoken often about those wonderful people who stepped up for me and were there for me in ways that I cannot thank enough for. However, that's not the case with everyone. There are some people who fell into a pit of their own hell. There are some people that you can cut out of your life and there are some people that you cannot. I have to admit that I felt the pull of the darkness by being around those who linger there. As time passed, the pull became so strong that I became so stressed and anxious that I physically became ill when felt that darkness. After all that I had been through I realized that that was my baggage and I had to deal with it. That was my main reason for exploring this book and taking this journey. This chapter, this agreement, helped. Tremendously. Actions and words made towards me by others has more to do with their own mentalities and perspectives than me. I have to admit that in the last couple of weeks, those actions and words didn't touch me. I didn't have to put my guard up, because my mindset wasn't going to allow the darkness to lead to an unwanted place, so I could just be me. And the situation seemed... as good as it could be. Which is all I could ask for and want.
It's amazing what the mind can do...
Losing a loved one is difficult enough. Losing a loved one to suicide adds an additional layer of difficulties and complexities. Immediately following my husband's death, my main support system immediately took action to make sure that I didn't fall into a pit of guilt. Although sympathetic, these people were actually able to put what had happened to the side so that I could become the main focus. At the time, it was difficult to endure and it almost seemed as if they weren't being sympathetic enough. But looking back at it now, it was pretty amazing of them as my husband had been a part of (some of) their lives as well. I was constantly being reminded that it was his decision and his alone... that my actions and decisions were made out of love and with the best of intentions and simply put, it was not my fault.
I did look down into that dark pit of guilt. I had moments of "what ifs" but I never got too close for fear of falling into that hole. That is not to say that resisting the temptation was easy. It was difficult to face realities and to admit truths, but in the end, it was by doing so that I saved myself from falling into that hole, a hole that would have been extremely difficult to climb out of.
The second agreement is "Don't Take Things Personally." We have to let go of the idea that its "all about me" and that people make decisions because of us. This is true no matter what your relationship is with that person and despite the actions you may have taken towards them. We are all responsible for our own actions and decisions. And we base our actions and decisions based on how we see the world, our own waking dream. My husband was living in his own hell. It didn't matter how much I loved him, how beautiful our son was, or the what could have been a happy life that we created. His sickness made it impossible for him to see all of that. His decision wasn't about me in that it wasn't my fault and that he didn't do it to hurt me. It is not always easy to focus on this agreement and at times my mind does want to wander to the what ifs. It is a conscious effort to think this way but it was a necessity for me to survive. It's also one that is getting easier as time goes on.
It is said that it is during the hardest of times that one's true colors are shown. I have spoken often about those wonderful people who stepped up for me and were there for me in ways that I cannot thank enough for. However, that's not the case with everyone. There are some people who fell into a pit of their own hell. There are some people that you can cut out of your life and there are some people that you cannot. I have to admit that I felt the pull of the darkness by being around those who linger there. As time passed, the pull became so strong that I became so stressed and anxious that I physically became ill when felt that darkness. After all that I had been through I realized that that was my baggage and I had to deal with it. That was my main reason for exploring this book and taking this journey. This chapter, this agreement, helped. Tremendously. Actions and words made towards me by others has more to do with their own mentalities and perspectives than me. I have to admit that in the last couple of weeks, those actions and words didn't touch me. I didn't have to put my guard up, because my mindset wasn't going to allow the darkness to lead to an unwanted place, so I could just be me. And the situation seemed... as good as it could be. Which is all I could ask for and want.
It's amazing what the mind can do...
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