Last Friday, I posted "Just Around the Corner" sharing my thoughts that I had about this feeling that perhaps something was indeed just around the corner for me.
On Saturday, I met a guy online whom I liked pretty much right away. He contacted me first. He complemented me. He seemed very sweet. He seemed interested. He seemed enthusiastic. He seemed open and easy to chat with. Over the past week we continued to e-mail and I liked him more and more. He remembered things that I said and asked me about them. He asked me about my son and remember things I had mentioned about him. He felt easy going and easy to share things with and I felt comfortable telling him some things about my son rather than just mentioning to him that I had one. He asked me if I'd like to meet up and we set a date for Tuesday. We moved on to texting and I was enjoying getting to know him.
I had two reservations. One is that he's a smoker. That's not a deal breaker, but a disgusting and expensive habit that I'm not very much attracted too. The other is that he's a 36 year old student who moved back home with his parents in New Jersey while getting his degree. He's in a radiology program which I have learned is quite extensive and rigorous. I understand how expensive it is to live here and how hard it would be able to work while in residency to make ends meat. So that didn't bother me so much because he was working towards a high achieving goal. However, he is unemployed. How do I date someone unemployed? I'm not even thinking materialistically. But just to go out for a cup of coffee... Dinner? That would make me feel bad and I can't afford to pay for dinners when I am paying for a sitter. But, I took a breath and let that go because I liked him.
He said he had a good feeling about this and I wanted to believe him and I did. He acted the way Jesse did and it was such a great feeling. It was that feeling that I was looking and looking for and hadn't been able to find since Jesse. I even put my dating reservations down and wanted to act like I did when I met Jesse and not feel like I had to play things rigid or safe. I just went with the flow. I told him that he made me smile and that I was excited about meeting him. We even began to almost make plans for dates beyond the first, or atleast assumptions. Again, it felt nice.
So, when he both found out that we were going to be in Manhattan this afternoon, he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. I told him I would have my son and he said he knew. Again, it was nice that having a son wasn't an issue. I had never introduced my son to anyone and I was unsure of how to do it. I said it needed to be very, very casual and he said he's a casual person. I didn't see any harm with this, so I went with it. And I met this man today.
The man that I met today and the man that I envisioned myself meeting today are two very different people. It began when he first approached us. I never would have recognized him because he looked 10 years older than his pictures. It is very hard to believe that he is only 36. He is very handsome in his cover photo (which I did learn yesterday was a "couple?" of years old). I did notice a difference in that handsomeness in all the rest of the photos, but he looked cute enough. He looks so very different than even those photos. That really threw me. However, one can up their looks by their overall appearance. The right clothes, etc... it can make such a different. He was dressed frumpy. I couldn't even talk myself into him more by finding something physcially attractive about him. He didn't help himself out at all.
What threw me even more so than his appearance was his personality. He did say that he was chatty and he did say he funny in a clownish sort of way. I didn't know what that really meant or looked like until I saw him in person. He talked loudly in a very quiet coffee shop. He was nosey and I thought he was actually going to go up to a group of people (study group?) and ask them what they were doing. He shouted across the room to the clerk to ask a question. He poured an enormous amount of sugar into his coffee and was jittery and moved and talked the whole time. He seemed somewhat arrogant in the way that he told my he didn't ever have to study because he was smart and how he was happy that he knew people who would be graduating ahead of him so that they could be the in to to get him a job after he was done. I just... ugh... I was turned off more by his personality than his appearance.
My friends thought that maybe he was just nervous. That could be it. But he did act the exact way that he described himself. My friends told me that I should give him a second chance and keep the date with him. I was planning on it. However, as the night has gone on... I'm not sure if I want to. I am having a hard time keeping an open mind. And if I can't do that, what's the point in meeting him again?
One friend did ask me what I liked about him today. I had to think a bit but... he was attentive to my son. He did buy my coffee and my son's milk. He did smile alot. He was kind. But honestly, there isn't one person that I have gone out with that I couldn't describe that way. What made him different was... I had high expectations going into this with him. Whereas with all the others, Jesse included, I didn't expect too much or didn't know what to expect.
So, if I had such high expectations and I really, really wanted this to work... why am I finding it so easy to talk myself out of him? I wanted things to work with the professor and I talked myself into him. Even when I wasn't sure, I stuck around to find answers. Do I already have my answers and I don't need to stick around? I really thought this was my "just around the corner"... why am I not trying to talk myself back into him?
There are people who look great on paper. There are people who look great in virtuality. Neither are the actual reality. Reality can bite sometimes. And I went from a nervous, excited high today to a disappointed, shallow (because you're not what I expected and not what I think I want) low.
On Saturday, I met a guy online whom I liked pretty much right away. He contacted me first. He complemented me. He seemed very sweet. He seemed interested. He seemed enthusiastic. He seemed open and easy to chat with. Over the past week we continued to e-mail and I liked him more and more. He remembered things that I said and asked me about them. He asked me about my son and remember things I had mentioned about him. He felt easy going and easy to share things with and I felt comfortable telling him some things about my son rather than just mentioning to him that I had one. He asked me if I'd like to meet up and we set a date for Tuesday. We moved on to texting and I was enjoying getting to know him.
I had two reservations. One is that he's a smoker. That's not a deal breaker, but a disgusting and expensive habit that I'm not very much attracted too. The other is that he's a 36 year old student who moved back home with his parents in New Jersey while getting his degree. He's in a radiology program which I have learned is quite extensive and rigorous. I understand how expensive it is to live here and how hard it would be able to work while in residency to make ends meat. So that didn't bother me so much because he was working towards a high achieving goal. However, he is unemployed. How do I date someone unemployed? I'm not even thinking materialistically. But just to go out for a cup of coffee... Dinner? That would make me feel bad and I can't afford to pay for dinners when I am paying for a sitter. But, I took a breath and let that go because I liked him.
He said he had a good feeling about this and I wanted to believe him and I did. He acted the way Jesse did and it was such a great feeling. It was that feeling that I was looking and looking for and hadn't been able to find since Jesse. I even put my dating reservations down and wanted to act like I did when I met Jesse and not feel like I had to play things rigid or safe. I just went with the flow. I told him that he made me smile and that I was excited about meeting him. We even began to almost make plans for dates beyond the first, or atleast assumptions. Again, it felt nice.
So, when he both found out that we were going to be in Manhattan this afternoon, he asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. I told him I would have my son and he said he knew. Again, it was nice that having a son wasn't an issue. I had never introduced my son to anyone and I was unsure of how to do it. I said it needed to be very, very casual and he said he's a casual person. I didn't see any harm with this, so I went with it. And I met this man today.
The man that I met today and the man that I envisioned myself meeting today are two very different people. It began when he first approached us. I never would have recognized him because he looked 10 years older than his pictures. It is very hard to believe that he is only 36. He is very handsome in his cover photo (which I did learn yesterday was a "couple?" of years old). I did notice a difference in that handsomeness in all the rest of the photos, but he looked cute enough. He looks so very different than even those photos. That really threw me. However, one can up their looks by their overall appearance. The right clothes, etc... it can make such a different. He was dressed frumpy. I couldn't even talk myself into him more by finding something physcially attractive about him. He didn't help himself out at all.
What threw me even more so than his appearance was his personality. He did say that he was chatty and he did say he funny in a clownish sort of way. I didn't know what that really meant or looked like until I saw him in person. He talked loudly in a very quiet coffee shop. He was nosey and I thought he was actually going to go up to a group of people (study group?) and ask them what they were doing. He shouted across the room to the clerk to ask a question. He poured an enormous amount of sugar into his coffee and was jittery and moved and talked the whole time. He seemed somewhat arrogant in the way that he told my he didn't ever have to study because he was smart and how he was happy that he knew people who would be graduating ahead of him so that they could be the in to to get him a job after he was done. I just... ugh... I was turned off more by his personality than his appearance.
My friends thought that maybe he was just nervous. That could be it. But he did act the exact way that he described himself. My friends told me that I should give him a second chance and keep the date with him. I was planning on it. However, as the night has gone on... I'm not sure if I want to. I am having a hard time keeping an open mind. And if I can't do that, what's the point in meeting him again?
One friend did ask me what I liked about him today. I had to think a bit but... he was attentive to my son. He did buy my coffee and my son's milk. He did smile alot. He was kind. But honestly, there isn't one person that I have gone out with that I couldn't describe that way. What made him different was... I had high expectations going into this with him. Whereas with all the others, Jesse included, I didn't expect too much or didn't know what to expect.
So, if I had such high expectations and I really, really wanted this to work... why am I finding it so easy to talk myself out of him? I wanted things to work with the professor and I talked myself into him. Even when I wasn't sure, I stuck around to find answers. Do I already have my answers and I don't need to stick around? I really thought this was my "just around the corner"... why am I not trying to talk myself back into him?
There are people who look great on paper. There are people who look great in virtuality. Neither are the actual reality. Reality can bite sometimes. And I went from a nervous, excited high today to a disappointed, shallow (because you're not what I expected and not what I think I want) low.
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