Under pressure... that is absolutely how I have been feeling for the past, I don't know... months It's been wearing at me and I think that I finally the bottom.
What is it? What's eating at me? None other than the desire to meet someone. I've taken out any potential fun in the process. I feel like I am being strict and rigid and analyzing my naturally analytical mind. I didn't really begin to feel the pressure until I returned home from the trip to the Northwest. I felt like that was the ending of one phase and I was into a new. I felt really ready to meet someone and since I felt ready, I expected it/him to basically fall into my lap right then and there. And when he didn't... I began to press. I began to stress and obsess. I began to feel that negative tension and first the loneliness factor started to kick in, then the self pity, then the pressure began to take on a life of its own.
The pressure that I have put upon myself is much more than just that I feel I am ready. I am turning 35 next month. 35 will be the new age next to my profile on the online dating sites I am on. I can't help to feel that number will work against me or atleast, it won't help. But its even more than just that. I would like to have another child. 35 is a big year. I am officially in my mid-thirties and I don't have that much time left to have children. I am not being overly dramatic, that's just the truth. At this point, I feel as though I would take having another child off the plate when I turn 38. I know that's three years, but three years goes very quickly... I have been single now for almost that long.
Another reason that I have put so much pressure on myself is my son. He talks and talks more and more about his father and the things that they do and what he will tell him. Just the other day my son told me that "the ghost tree is going to give me a new daddy and a baby sister." I have never heard of the "ghost tree" before. I have never mentioned to him that I wanted to find a new daddy for him, ever. I don't know where this came from, but I have to admit, I wanted to believe in this ghost tree too! Nevertheless, it breaks my heart to hear my son talk about and ask questions about dads. I know he is missing out on this crucial piece in his life. I cannot fill that piece. All I can do is try to soften the edges and... find someone to fill that role for him. It is this reason, my son, the child that I do have which truly adds on the pressure for me.
I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that I cannot force things to happen. I know that I have very little to no control over when this will happen. And I think all of that contributed to all of the freaking out I did this weekend over that guy I posted about on Saturday.
I have to control the controllable and let go of the rest. It's taking away my fun and even my general happiness and it's just not worth it. Time to POP that bubble of pressure!
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