Lately I have been thinking about my life. I have been thinking about Dale more and thinking back on my life with him. In many ways it has gotten easier to think about him and our life together, but there are still many ways in which I find it very difficult to do. Besides the pain and sadness, there is the heartbreaking reality which inspired this blog post... a black hole.
Much of my life with my husband was spent with just him. I loved being with him. I loved the hikes, the kayaks, the coffee shops, the antique shops, the long walks with the dogs, the intimate Thanksgiving dinners, the cozy Christmas mornings, the quite nights in drinking tea... I remember thinking that I could move away with him, out in the middle of nowhere, live off of the land, and be completely happy. And I believed that for a long time.
What I know now is how important it is to have people in your life, other people besides your significant other. With each move we made, we had less friends. We lived farther from family. We just weren't getting lost in one another's company anymore, we were becoming isolated. Very isolated. And now I am feeling another consequence for that, my fading memories.
I met Dale almost exactly 16 years ago. We were together ever since... almost 14 years. I was only 32 when he died. So a huge chunk of my life was spent with him. And a large chunk of that time spent with him was spent with him alone. So many of my memories were not only intertwined with him, but my own individual memories were shared mainly with him. When something good, bad, funny, etc. happened to me... I shared it with him. I didn't call my parents. I didn't have many friends to not only create memories with, but to share my life experiences and stories with. For better or worse, Dale and I truly were two peas in a pod and that pod was out in the middle of the sea.
So as time passes and I have no one to recall memories with, I am forgetting many things. Not just about Dale, but about me too. It was my life. And so much of my life died with Dale. In this case, I feel that time is working against me and is sucking up my memories where they will be lost forever in a black hole.
That is why it was extra painful to lose my dogs. Just their presence was a living reminder of some of my most cherished memories with Dale. My son is too, of course. But the time we had with our son was only just a sliver of our time together. The majority of my life with him was with him and the dogs.
When I think back on my life with him as I am now, it seems incomprehensible to me how I have been able to stand. Honestly, I do not know how I have been able to get up every single day and smile. The end and the months leading to the end was traumatic. It was awful. It was excruciating. But still... there were so many years with so many happy, amazing memories created.
I had a dream last night. I couldn't see him, but I was talking to him. That's unusual since it's always the opposite. This was only the second dream that I have had where we spoke. But, last night we were having an actual conversation. I don't remember the sound of his voice in the dream. Again, I didn't see him, but I knew that it was him. In so many of my dreams, I am aware that he is dead, but in my dreams it didn't really happen. For one reason or another, the death was faked. I didn't feel that sense last night, I was just in the moment of talking to him and telling him about everything that had happened this past year. The part that I remember telling him was that my grandmother died. I remember telling him that it was my mother's mother and how our dog Skye died on the same day. He spoke back to me telling me that he thought she (the dog) may had passed since he didn't see her anywhere. And that was it. That was my dream. That was the most he had ever spoken to me in my dream.
I miss him. I miss that part of my life that is missing without him. I have done something that I have never done. I took out his wedding band and put it on a chain. I'm going to wear it tomorrow to work. I don't plan on keeping his ring with me at all times from now on. I just feel like I want to feel him close, for just a bit. It's taken a long time to feel comfortable inviting him back into my life. And we deserve it. We both do, for all great memories that time allowed for us to share and for all of those great memories that time has already began to take away.
Much of my life with my husband was spent with just him. I loved being with him. I loved the hikes, the kayaks, the coffee shops, the antique shops, the long walks with the dogs, the intimate Thanksgiving dinners, the cozy Christmas mornings, the quite nights in drinking tea... I remember thinking that I could move away with him, out in the middle of nowhere, live off of the land, and be completely happy. And I believed that for a long time.
What I know now is how important it is to have people in your life, other people besides your significant other. With each move we made, we had less friends. We lived farther from family. We just weren't getting lost in one another's company anymore, we were becoming isolated. Very isolated. And now I am feeling another consequence for that, my fading memories.
I met Dale almost exactly 16 years ago. We were together ever since... almost 14 years. I was only 32 when he died. So a huge chunk of my life was spent with him. And a large chunk of that time spent with him was spent with him alone. So many of my memories were not only intertwined with him, but my own individual memories were shared mainly with him. When something good, bad, funny, etc. happened to me... I shared it with him. I didn't call my parents. I didn't have many friends to not only create memories with, but to share my life experiences and stories with. For better or worse, Dale and I truly were two peas in a pod and that pod was out in the middle of the sea.
So as time passes and I have no one to recall memories with, I am forgetting many things. Not just about Dale, but about me too. It was my life. And so much of my life died with Dale. In this case, I feel that time is working against me and is sucking up my memories where they will be lost forever in a black hole.
That is why it was extra painful to lose my dogs. Just their presence was a living reminder of some of my most cherished memories with Dale. My son is too, of course. But the time we had with our son was only just a sliver of our time together. The majority of my life with him was with him and the dogs.
When I think back on my life with him as I am now, it seems incomprehensible to me how I have been able to stand. Honestly, I do not know how I have been able to get up every single day and smile. The end and the months leading to the end was traumatic. It was awful. It was excruciating. But still... there were so many years with so many happy, amazing memories created.
I had a dream last night. I couldn't see him, but I was talking to him. That's unusual since it's always the opposite. This was only the second dream that I have had where we spoke. But, last night we were having an actual conversation. I don't remember the sound of his voice in the dream. Again, I didn't see him, but I knew that it was him. In so many of my dreams, I am aware that he is dead, but in my dreams it didn't really happen. For one reason or another, the death was faked. I didn't feel that sense last night, I was just in the moment of talking to him and telling him about everything that had happened this past year. The part that I remember telling him was that my grandmother died. I remember telling him that it was my mother's mother and how our dog Skye died on the same day. He spoke back to me telling me that he thought she (the dog) may had passed since he didn't see her anywhere. And that was it. That was my dream. That was the most he had ever spoken to me in my dream.
I miss him. I miss that part of my life that is missing without him. I have done something that I have never done. I took out his wedding band and put it on a chain. I'm going to wear it tomorrow to work. I don't plan on keeping his ring with me at all times from now on. I just feel like I want to feel him close, for just a bit. It's taken a long time to feel comfortable inviting him back into my life. And we deserve it. We both do, for all great memories that time allowed for us to share and for all of those great memories that time has already began to take away.
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