The Scientist

The other day someone told me that they thought that I was becoming more introspective.  They thought that I was too busy analyzing instead of "getting out there" and thus becoming more reclusive.  This came from someone whose opinion and advise I appreciate.  But I should also mention that this came from someone whom does not live near me.  They do not see nor speak to me on a daily basis and it is because of that I was a bit put off by that comment. 

Introspective... I cannot deny that.  This blog is over a year and half's worth of evidence to prove that point.  Although I would never deny that I am someone who thinks probably way too much and someone who does analyze, even over analyze at times.  I have always been this way.  After many, many years of not sharing, I am finally releasing most of my thoughts, mainly through this blog, and it is truly is a great release for me.  That is one of the main reasons why I have chosen to turn this journal of mine into a blog.  My thoughts are given life with just the possibility that someone may read them.  In a paper journal, they are only one step away from being a thought that only swims in my head.  That's when things get over analyzed, when they have no where else to go but to remain regurgitated in one's mind. 

I cannot help that I have an overwhelming desire to understand.  I have been left with so many questions, questions that will never be answered.  That has left me confused and unsettled and I have had to do and am doing all that I can to make sense with what I have, with what I know and to try my best to let go of the rest.  There is nothing else that I can do to alleviate myself from the past in that aspect.  But, I can use what I have learned to help me to be more knowledgeable in the present so that I won't ever find myself feeling this way in the future again. 

That's all I have been trying to do... is to make sense of life, my life and all that has happened and to try to learn from my past so that I can appreciate the moment and to find happiness in the future.  And its not because I think I deserve it or am entitled to it because of what happened, it is because I earned it by thinking and noticing little things and learning and growing and making good decisions based on my gut... yes feelings, intelligent feelings that I have learned to trust.

Above all, I have desired to not live in vain or bitterness.  I do not consider myself a survivor or a victim for that matter and I don't want to live like one.  I have but one life to live and I know that it can end in an instant.  I also know the pure hell that people endure right here on earth.  I once read in a book, "if people can live in and create their own hell, why can't we live in and create our own heaven here on earth?"  I've seen hell, I've seen it through my husband's eyes and I'll be damned if I ever see that look in my son's eyes.  I'm choosing to create a heaven for my son and myself.  And if it takes some extra time and effort to think about things for me to do just that, than so be it.  


Logic, analysis, reasoning... call me a scientist.  I'd love to be an Einstein in my own right.  But I'm not all thoughts... I do feel.  And I want more than anything to feel more.  When I meet someone who does make me feel more and think less, that's when I know for sure.  I have posted more times this past June than I usually do in three months combined.  I like to think of it as a growth spurt.  I was "regrouping."  And what I do know now is that I feel that I have learned enough and have healed enough to find that someone who will put my mind at ease.   I have left my charm bracelet with hope and that is a great place to end with enough room for all the wonder and amazement that can be brought by love.  And I do want that.  I am ready now.  

The Scientist... Coldplay
It just seemed to fit. 

13 Hours

13 Hours... on average that is the amount of time that my son will be up each day during the summer.  That is the amount of time that needs to be occupied each day.  Thinking of it as a whole, especially when you multiply that by the number of days in the summer... phew!

My son... the early bird.  It does not matter what time he goes to bed.  It could be 6:30 pm or 9:30 pm and he'll still wake up at about 6:00 am give or take about 20 minutes, lol.  So our day starts at 6:00, actually his day does, lol.  Since he is older now, he is capable of playing or watching t.v. on his own for about an hour or so while I "snooze."  As long as he has strawberry milk and a "snack" he's good to go (checking in on me about every 15 minutes or so, lol).

I like to break up my typical days by meals.  So the first chunk of time is about 4 hours or so between breakfast and lunch.  Everyday depending on the day, there is something.   Whether its the library activity day, laundry day, grocery day, or a quick trip to the playground, park, beach, zoo, or gardens (yup, I live that close to all of them) I can do any one of them and can find atleast an hour or so of "unfilled time."

Between lunch and dinner we have about 4 hours again.  My son doesn't nap anymore, atleast not with me.  That was a battle I decided not worth fighting when I realized he could go a full day without getting crabby.  I do miss that break time though.   This is the time that can get to be tricky if there's nothing planned.  Again, I could do some of the things that I listed for the morning.  But if I've done something "big" in the morning, then the afternoon would be something "small" like going to the playground.  But that still leaves about 2 hours of "unfilled" time.  About an hour of that time I take to clean up and make dinner.  During that time he'll play independently and/or watch tv.  But if he acts up at all during the day, its usually this time.  He gets bored, I get bored.  Puzzles, books, crafts, playing school, baking and his leap pad are helpful during this time, but it can still get a little daunting.  

Finally, the homestretch!  After dinner we have about an hour and a half until bath time and bed.  Since it's summer now, we'll go outside.  Sidewalk chalk, water balloons, scooter, bike or a quick trip to the park to play tee ball are some of our options.  This time isn't so bad. 

My biggest concern is the amount of television that he watches.  I have to admit my son is a big nerd and likes to watch educational shows, many which are nonfiction.  But still... I'd rather him not, atleast not so much.  Being able to spend time outside is a big, big help.  But there are still those "unfilled" times that need to be filled (blowing my nose, brushing my teeth, taking  a shower, and using the bathroom are all necessities that I have).  If anyone has anymore "downtime" filler ideas, please share. 

For anyone who is not a parent, perhaps you can see now why (as I posted yesterday) I like to keep busy and plan some bigger activities.  Otherwise, that 13 hour day, feels like a 13 hour day.  That's a long time!  My workday is from 8:30-3:30, 7 hours.  My time with my son is almost double that!  Again that's why I posted my views on summertime exhaustion and upmost respect for stay at home moms (and dads).  It's a tough, tough job.  Rewarding.  Very Rewarding, but tough.

Summer... Summer... Summertime...

(You have to read the post title in a sing song tone... think Will Smith's song "Summertime.")   :)

Okay, so now that school is officially over, it is officially summer!!  The best way for me to spend summer is to keep busy, busy, busy.  Funny that the busier I keep, the easier it is.  Why?  Well... first off, I love my son.  I do, more than anything.  And I am so appreciative that I have two months off to spend with him.   I am also fully aware that the majority of jobs out there wouldn't allow me this most wonderful time of the year and in no way am I complaining.  Buuuut... lol, it is hard.  This is the exact reason that I could never be a stay at home mom.  It is nonstop and it is exhausting.  And since I am doing this myself, it makes it all the more.  I found this out last year and was completely exhausted by the end of August and was so ready to go back to work.


I have made some adjustments this year after my first summer alone last year and I am hoping that it helps.  Like... I have waited to take my solo vacation until the summer.  From August 3-9 I will be in Portland and Seattle, yay! and my son will be playing in the dirt and with his cousins as he spends that time with my parents.  It has been a long stretch as there has not been one single day since  February '12 where we have not seen each other.  I may not have always been the one to put him to sleep or to have woken up with him, but we have spent time together every single day.  It's not that I am looking forward to not seeing him, but I am looking forward to some separation... It's good for the both of us. 

In one week from today, my son and I will be up in Maine for a week.  We rented a house with my sister and her family.  I have no idea what we are going to be doing.  Lol... I'm not even sure where exactly I'm going, my sister made all the reservations.  All I know is that there will be sand, water, and three boy cousins for my son to play with.  And for me, my sister and brother-in-law... adult conversations and company on a daily/nightly basis for 7 days.  Yippee!

All in all, half of my 8 weeks off will be here in New York City, the other half will be divided among Maine, The Northwest, and Buffalo.  So in my 4 weeks here in New York, this is how I hope to keep busy...

With My Son

• Botanic Gardens
• Zoos
• Aquarium
• Central Park/Prospect Park
• The Beach
• Playdates
• My touristy attractions for this summer:  The Empire State Building and Governor's Island
• Pre-K Story and Art Program at the library
• Music and puppet shows in the neighborhood

Without My Son

• Botanic Gardens
• Dinner/Going Out with Girlfriends
• A Date (or a few :))
• Wandering aimlessly through city, lol
• Attend an outdoor concert

I also have a few big goals to accomplish over the summer.  The first one is to complete and order photo albums.  I have a few started, but I must, must, must finish them.  I also need to organize my financials.  When I am 90 and can finally retire, will I remember that I was part of the Virginia Retirement System?  I think not, lol.  Finally, I need to read up on how to create a professional website for my "business."

Busy is good.  But there is a lot of down time in between that needs to be filled when you have a toddler.  That is what can be difficult.  But hey, it's summer and there's nothing to complain about.

Happy Summer!

The Boxer

I remember watching this concert with my father when I was a little girl.  No, I wasn't there at the Central Park Concert back in 1981!  My father taped it on the VCR when it was replayed probably on a station like PBS, lol.  I was mesmerized by Art Garfunkel (and not in a good way, lol) at first and even remember his little mistake made in this song, but then I listened to the music and thus began my love for Simon and Garfunkel.  But that's not what this post is really about...

Today was my first day of summer vacation (woo hoo!).  Because my sitter has been out of town and I won't have her again until mid-July! I took my son to school today so I could have a carefree day to relax by myself and I knew exactly where I was going!  Pier 25 in Manhattan... I went there just this Sunday with my son and played miniature golf, he ran around on a mini soccer field, and then through the sprinklers at a cool playground, all on this pier!  What I noticed was at the end of this pier, there were trees and lounge chairs that overlooked the Hudson River and it looked perfect.  So this morning I put on a cute summer dress (this is Tribeca!  Lots of suits and cute guys... you never know, lol), packed a couple magazines, and my earphones and was off!

Look back towards Manhattan... This is the Freedom Tower!

As I was lounging, listening to music, and looking across the river from Statue of Liberty to New Jersey I was thinking to myself how content I really was at that moment.  I thought about how my rent could afford me a mini mansion in my hometown.  I thought about how instead my tiny apartment has no laundry, no yard, and an occasional water roach and yes, even mouse (ugh, I know).  It takes me 40 minutes to travel 5 miles, I just spent $30 on a brunch today consisting of bacon, toast, and a yummy peach rum drink, and sometimes this place is just plain loud, dirty, and rude.  But there is no other place that I want to be right now.  It is so much more than all of the above.  And most importantly, I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

So as I was listening to my playlist which I courageously set to shuffle and told myself I would not change the song that came on, "The Boxer" began to play.  And for the first time I listened to the words, like really listened and they spoke to me.  I understood.

In my own right I had to fight to make staying and living in NYC work.  My initial thought was that I would move back to my hometown after my husband passed.  But almost as quickly as that thought came, the thought that I didn't want to followed.  I didn't want to, so I didn't.   And I had to build a life here, pretty much from the bottom because I didn't have a whole heck of a lot except for a job and a home that I could still afford to live in. I didn't have anyone telling me that I couldn't do this, that I couldn't make it here on my own.  I had tons of support and that has made a world of difference.  I needed it for sure and sometimes I do wonder how I could feel so right here when essentially this is the place where everything went all wrong.  But in actuality, I know it is not NYC that caused any of the sadness that has occurred in my life to take place.  Instead, I actually feel as if NYC embraced me.  It has turned out to be as much as a support system as my family and friends.  Crazy, huh? 

So as I sat at the end of Pier 25 and listened to "The Boxer" I couldn't help but to think that because I truly feel as if I am exactly where I am supposed to be that everything else will fall into place here... eventually and when it is meant to, for I didn't always believe that this was the place for me either. 

And since this is Throwback Thursday #2... you can check out Home which was posted in March of 2012.  I have come a long way since then.  :)

Emotionally Unavailable

This is not a post about any of my recent dates or even that guy.  This one is about me.  Yup, I think I am (or have been) that person.  Emotionally unavailable.  They say actions speak louder than words, here's what I've been doing...

• When I think back on all of the men that I set up a date with (this includes dates that actually occurred and those that ended up getting canceled, some even by me) and let's just say that number is around 20, I would say that I was genuinely excited and nervous about maybe 4.  
• I've only been on 3 second dates (only once had I hoped for a second but didn't get it).
• Out of all of my dates, there was only one that I felt an immediate attraction towards and knew I wanted to see him again and not just out of curiosity (and I don't even consider him one of the ones I was initially excited and nervous about meeting).
•  When I was in a "relationship" it was never defined.  And I can't blame him.  I never asked.  I never brought it up.  The only thing that was mentioned was being exclusive, but it didn't go any further than that and I never pushed or questioned the issue.  It wasn't out of my fear of upsetting him.  Looking back, I didn't want to know.  I was living in the moment and was happy and at that time, that was good enough for me.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, I still want that, but I was okay with not looking too far down into the future with him and not knowing what it might hold.
• When I was in this "relationship" it took me by surprise because I did feel so many wonderful things and he did just prance right in despite all of my emotionally guarded walls.  But even despite that (and all of the other wonderful posts I wrote about him, lol) there was a part of me that thought I met him too soon.  This was my first "relationship" and I didn't think or want to feel so strongly so quickly or so soon.  I even felt a bit relieved when we took a break in December and I immediately went right back out there looking for more dates.  Honestly, I wanted to get more in before we got back together.  I didn't end up going on any dates and we did get back together less than a month later. But, even when we ended it for good in February, I thought that at some point we would get back together again, so again I went back out immediately and made dates with as many men as I could.  
• I have admitted that it is easier to go on bad dates (as in dates with no future) than it is to go on good dates (dates with hope).
• I have a "pen pal" from Florida.  Met him online.  Have been texting regularly.  
• I'm sure there's more, but this is a good enough list as is.  :(

The bright side...

• I feel as if I have been responsible in not giving anyone any false hopes.  I have not dragged anyone on in any way. 
• I acknowledge this.  And this "dating break" or "regrouping" phase that I am in is definitely a good thing for me right now.  
• I recognize the difference between being physically alone and emotionally alone.  My desire to not be alone anymore stems more from the emotional side rather than the physical.
• This one may not make much sense until after you read the why, but... I know that I am fully capable of creating and maintaining an emotionally available relationship.  I have others.  I have friendships.  I have the most amazing and rewarding relationship with my son.  Where everyday I get back tenfold what I put in.  And I do not fear to give and to give and to give.  
• I am starting to feel more comfortable with wanting this kind of relationship with a man now. 

The why...

• I think I can give myself a break here.  I have been through so much.  There is the obvious pain and hurt that comes from losing a person that you love.  But my situation was so much more than that.  My marriage was complicated.  There was pain and hurt too in what became our toxic relationship.  Everything combined, it was very traumatic.  
• To be honest, overall I am guarded with my emotions.  Although I was raised by good parents and felt loved, my family was not one that fostered the sharing of inner emotions and feelings.  That made it easy for me to fit right in with my husband who was very guarded with his depression and never was able to truly open up to me.  He also never truly let me open up to him as he became defensive and unaccepting of my feeble (painfully so) attempts to open up and share my true emotional side with him as well.  But I don't want that.  Not at all.  And when I found myself in that "relationship" and was given the platform and the acceptance of sharing myself it was completely scary and completely amazing at the same time.  

The questions...

•  What I do wonder though is if that guy could feel this unavailability vibe from me?  He definitely has it himself, but I wonder (since he was only one I got close to) if he could sense that from me.  (And no, not looking for excuses for him, this time, this post is all about me).
• I also wonder how I could have gotten so emotionally attached to someone when I wasn't emotionally available.  Hmmm..... and I just ended therapy last week.  Google!?!  ;)

 I've had a lot to think about lately regarding dating and I think that this little break is definitely a good thing.  I do feel like I am in a transitional phase and it takes time to move on.  I just need to remind myself to be patient with myself and to not get frustrated.  Two years really isn't that long when you think about all of the healing that needed to take place.  It's a process, just like everything else. 

Attitude

Throwback Thursday # 1

As I posted yesterday, today was my last session with my therapist.  These throwback posts were inspired by my assignment of coming in today, to my last session, ready to share what I have learned and how I have changed over the course of the past two years. 

When I came to my session today and was asked what I came up with, I told her that I have changed the most in that I have found myself.  I know who I am, I can define myself, and I am happy with who I am.  That is not something that I could have said two years ago.  Although these past two years have been tough, it has been very enlightening and profound finding my true self and knowing that I am and will always be a work in progress.  I am not stagnant.  I will change and grow for as long as I live, but I know my foundation.  And it is strong. 

As I became stronger and more confident in myself I began to look back at my old self and had a difficult time dealing with what was now my new perspective.  I came to the point where I needed to address these issues and feelings that I had and thus the post Self Forgiveness was born. 

All of my posts hold value to me as they are my thoughts genuine and true as they are to me in that moment.  Some posts hold a more significant value for various reasons.  Self forgiveness is one of them.  As I shared with my therapist today much of the same things that I wrote in the post, my emotions surprisingly got the best of me.  I found the words difficult to make their way out as they were given a new life as a spoken word. 

Her reply, one of her last few thoughts and words that she shared with me today was this...

"Perhaps you have nothing to forgive yourself for."

When I reread Self Forgiveness I can see that without my knowledge at that time, only weeks ago, that was my same conclusion.  Live in the moment.  Do your best. If that is what you have done, what is there to forgive?  What is there to regret? 

She is right, nothing.