Emotionally Unavailable

This is not a post about any of my recent dates or even that guy.  This one is about me.  Yup, I think I am (or have been) that person.  Emotionally unavailable.  They say actions speak louder than words, here's what I've been doing...

• When I think back on all of the men that I set up a date with (this includes dates that actually occurred and those that ended up getting canceled, some even by me) and let's just say that number is around 20, I would say that I was genuinely excited and nervous about maybe 4.  
• I've only been on 3 second dates (only once had I hoped for a second but didn't get it).
• Out of all of my dates, there was only one that I felt an immediate attraction towards and knew I wanted to see him again and not just out of curiosity (and I don't even consider him one of the ones I was initially excited and nervous about meeting).
•  When I was in a "relationship" it was never defined.  And I can't blame him.  I never asked.  I never brought it up.  The only thing that was mentioned was being exclusive, but it didn't go any further than that and I never pushed or questioned the issue.  It wasn't out of my fear of upsetting him.  Looking back, I didn't want to know.  I was living in the moment and was happy and at that time, that was good enough for me.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, I still want that, but I was okay with not looking too far down into the future with him and not knowing what it might hold.
• When I was in this "relationship" it took me by surprise because I did feel so many wonderful things and he did just prance right in despite all of my emotionally guarded walls.  But even despite that (and all of the other wonderful posts I wrote about him, lol) there was a part of me that thought I met him too soon.  This was my first "relationship" and I didn't think or want to feel so strongly so quickly or so soon.  I even felt a bit relieved when we took a break in December and I immediately went right back out there looking for more dates.  Honestly, I wanted to get more in before we got back together.  I didn't end up going on any dates and we did get back together less than a month later. But, even when we ended it for good in February, I thought that at some point we would get back together again, so again I went back out immediately and made dates with as many men as I could.  
• I have admitted that it is easier to go on bad dates (as in dates with no future) than it is to go on good dates (dates with hope).
• I have a "pen pal" from Florida.  Met him online.  Have been texting regularly.  
• I'm sure there's more, but this is a good enough list as is.  :(

The bright side...

• I feel as if I have been responsible in not giving anyone any false hopes.  I have not dragged anyone on in any way. 
• I acknowledge this.  And this "dating break" or "regrouping" phase that I am in is definitely a good thing for me right now.  
• I recognize the difference between being physically alone and emotionally alone.  My desire to not be alone anymore stems more from the emotional side rather than the physical.
• This one may not make much sense until after you read the why, but... I know that I am fully capable of creating and maintaining an emotionally available relationship.  I have others.  I have friendships.  I have the most amazing and rewarding relationship with my son.  Where everyday I get back tenfold what I put in.  And I do not fear to give and to give and to give.  
• I am starting to feel more comfortable with wanting this kind of relationship with a man now. 

The why...

• I think I can give myself a break here.  I have been through so much.  There is the obvious pain and hurt that comes from losing a person that you love.  But my situation was so much more than that.  My marriage was complicated.  There was pain and hurt too in what became our toxic relationship.  Everything combined, it was very traumatic.  
• To be honest, overall I am guarded with my emotions.  Although I was raised by good parents and felt loved, my family was not one that fostered the sharing of inner emotions and feelings.  That made it easy for me to fit right in with my husband who was very guarded with his depression and never was able to truly open up to me.  He also never truly let me open up to him as he became defensive and unaccepting of my feeble (painfully so) attempts to open up and share my true emotional side with him as well.  But I don't want that.  Not at all.  And when I found myself in that "relationship" and was given the platform and the acceptance of sharing myself it was completely scary and completely amazing at the same time.  

The questions...

•  What I do wonder though is if that guy could feel this unavailability vibe from me?  He definitely has it himself, but I wonder (since he was only one I got close to) if he could sense that from me.  (And no, not looking for excuses for him, this time, this post is all about me).
• I also wonder how I could have gotten so emotionally attached to someone when I wasn't emotionally available.  Hmmm..... and I just ended therapy last week.  Google!?!  ;)

 I've had a lot to think about lately regarding dating and I think that this little break is definitely a good thing.  I do feel like I am in a transitional phase and it takes time to move on.  I just need to remind myself to be patient with myself and to not get frustrated.  Two years really isn't that long when you think about all of the healing that needed to take place.  It's a process, just like everything else.