Cold, Cold Maine

I have been on a roll with the living the right life postings and I was looking forward to the next one; however, after recent events and yesterday's posting, the timing was just too perfect to let this one pass by.

So today I am going to update you on a recent post, Maine.  That cold, cold (figuratively and probably literally at this time of year) state of Maine.  I had posted how I had received an e-mail and photos out of the blue from the guy that I met while visiting Maine back in September.  Well, I waited about a week after responding very nicely to his gesture and got that "why did he bother to do it... again?" feeling.  After talking to some girlfriends, they suggested that I just come out and ask him what his intentions were.  So, I decided to do just that.  Why not?  He had mentioned Facebook before and I decided to contact him through Facebook and before I knew it, we were Facebook friends.  

Facebook has its positives and negatives.  In this case, it gave me a glimpse into the life of this strange guy and my first "discovery" was that he had a girlfriend, or so I thought.  They certainly spent alot of time together and they had some innocent yet suggestive postings.  That made me really mad.  I didn't care if he had a girlfriend or not, I disregarded him months ago.  I was mad that he felt the need to pop back in, not respond, and then potentially have a girlfriend on top of that.  So I wrote him.  I basically told him that.  Actually, this is what I wrote...

     "So as the pictures you sent last month grabbed my attention, I hope being your FB "friend" will grab yours.  The question is, why?  Yes, it was nice, but really unnecessary.  It's been months and we never really established any kind of friendship through the few email exchanges we had.  The thing is, is that I don't want empty relationships of any kind.  You're not an old friend that can pop in every few months and all is well.  I find it to be boring and dull despite how interesting I think you really are.  If you want to get to know me, then show up.  If you don't, then there's no need for random out of the blue emails.  And if you have a girlfriend, then leave me alone.  I'm actually being quite genuine here.  I don't want people in my life for the sake of having people.  So you got my attention, why did you want it?"

What do you think?  I had one of my girlfriends laughing hysterically, although she got the first draft which was a bit more intense.  Well, needless to say, I received no response to this.  I planned to keep  him as a Facebook friend just for a week or two just so that if he did respond, I would be able to receive it.  The thing with that is that all of his "news" was plastered all over my wall (or my page for you non-Facebook users).  He had climbed a mountain this past week and actually the pictures were amazing, so I swallowed a bit a pride to take one last stab at this and this morning wrote, "You are all over my wall... But the pictures are absolutely amazing.  I'm sure the experience was even more so. :)"  And... I got dumped, as a Facebook friend!  

I have to admit that I felt crappy after that.  It actually put me in a bad mood.  This guy, whom I met only once, whom I have no ties to, whom I completely accepted as not being into me months ago and let go, did that to me.  I guess like Summer (500 Days of Summer) he did me a favor, I got his answer.  The thing is, I knew it back in November and was completely okay with that.  Why did I need to go through all of that again? 

After work today, I talked to the same girlfriends who suggested that I ask him what his intentions were to begin with and told them this story.  The one friend who is single had a similar story happen to her.  She said that guys like to play games.  Boo...  I have been so optimistic about this.  My game plan is to be completely honest and just put it all out there so that we both know what we are dealing with and can then decided what step to take next (well not all of the first date, lol).  Brrrrrr, baby it's cold out there (my online dating stories are no better)!

500 Days of Summer

One of my favorite movies is 500 Days of Summer (the movie and soundtrack are equally great!) and it also just happens to fit in with my "theme" of living the life that is just right for you.  Yesterday I focused on the just right job.  Today, I want to focus on that just right person.

Not too long ago, I had a conversation with my best friend about soul mates.  I wouldn't consider this friend to be a hopeless romantic, rather a rational and level-headed person.  Funny that we never had this conversation before, but I have to admit that I was a little bit surprised when she told me that she did in fact believe in them and that she happened to be married to hers (yay!).  However, what was even more interesting was the story she told me about another man...

Mike.  I remembered him very well.  We all went camping together.  My friend dated Mike when we were in college.  Mike was a bit older than us.  He lived in New York City, had a great job in Manhattan, flew my friend out on numerous occasions to visit him, he was very good looking, and overall a very nice guy.  My friend said that on paper, he was perfect.  She realized that he wasn't "the one" in the middle of Times Square on New Year's.  At the stroke of midnight, while everyone cheered and kissed, my friend looked around and noticed the way that the couple they were with embraced one another.  My friend realized that she didn't have that... spark with Mike.  Not too long later, they broke up.  My friend told me how easy it would have been to get caught up with him and to have stayed with him even though there was something lacking.  I think that happens to many people.  They get caught in a moment and before they know it, that moment has turned into years, perhaps maybe even a marriage.  They get caught in a life that may not necessarily be a bad life, but just not the right life or more specifically a life with the right person.

That happened to my sister whom I had the same conversation with just tonight.  My sister divorced after ten years of marriage about two years ago.  Last year at about this time, she met a man on an online dating site and 8 months later married him.  She too said that she just knew with him.  She knew with him what she didn't know with her first husband.  She said that in her first marriage she didn't believe in soul mates because she knew that she didn't marry hers so she just told herself that they just really don't exist.  My sister now believes that she has found that person who is just right for her.

So what's the connection with this movie?  Well if you have watched the video, it appears that this couple is happy and that they are right together.  Nope, not the case.  I have seen this movie many times, and I have always sided with Tom.  Besides the fact that I think he is adorable, he is a hopeless romantic and he just appeals to me.  So naturally, I always viewed Summer as a bitch.  Not any more.  I just watched this movie again this weekend, but with a different perspective, hers.  I think that on paper, Tom, like Mike, was perfect.  But just not the one.  In the movie, Summer recognized this and she left him.  She broke his heart in the process but in the long run, she did him (and herself) a favor by being so self aware and brave.

So where does that leave me you may be wondering...  I absolutely loved my husband and I envisioned myself growing old together with him.  I believe with all of my heart that I was meant to marry him.  However, I don't believe that he was my soul mate.  Like my sister, I didn't really believe in them because I felt happiness with someone that I didn't feel would be my soul mate if they did in fact exist.  I guess now, I would like to believe in them because it just helps to move forward into a future with that much more to look forward too.  I just want to be careful so that I don't get caught up in any moments with someone who may knock my socks off, but really isn't Mr. Right.  Again, trust your gut, own your own truth, and be strong.

Feeling Right

February is nearly over and I have yet to mention The Happiness Project for this month.  After having such a successful January with this project, I did kind of take this month off in a way.  The focus for this month is "remembering love" and "marriage," so you can see why.

However, I did take some things away from THP this month as I definitely read some food for thought in this book.  Tonight I want to share with you this quote from the author herself, "To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth."  There's a lot to pick apart from this sentence, but my focus now is on feeling right.

Feeling right as Gretchen puts it, is living the life that is right for you in terms of your job, your marital status, where you live, your standard of living, etc.  I think that it takes an incredibly brave person to to fully live the life that is meant for you.

I have so much to say about this topic, so tonight I am only going to get into the right occupation.  I think I have mentioned that I am a teacher.  I love being a teacher and I am happy with being a teacher.  However, I do feel like there is something more out there that I could be doing.  What exactly that is, I don't know.  About a month ago, I was thinking about how education is changing and how teachers are now made to teach and how students are now made to learn and in many ways it sickens me.  This thought caused me to think about what else I could do (in the realm of education).

What I have always loved about my job was writing lessons.  In my current position, I actually create the curriculum that I teach and I absolutely love that aspect.  So I actually looked up jobs in this area and found a freelance curriculum writing position in the area of technology.  That's what I do!  It sounded perfect and I applied. Well... I never heard anything back, which is okay, I didn't really expect to.  I applied very quickly; didn't update my resume too much and didn't put too much thought into the cover letter.  But it planted an idea in my mind.  I wasn't exactly qualified for that position entirely either and now I am thinking about what I could do to enhance my skills so that I actually could venture out beyond the classroom.  That is very scary.  As a teacher, I get paid decently, I have great health insurance, and I have a retirement pension.  I would be a big liar if I wouldn't admit that those factors wouldn't weigh heavily if I ever came across another opportunity.  I'd have to be very brave.

One of my beliefs that I posted earlier before I even began this happiness project was, "Trust your gut."  I think that we all know our own truths.  We just have to be brave enough to face them, which is not always easy.  I think that if an opportunity ever did approach me, I would be willing to risk the benefits of being a teacher if it truly felt right.  At the same time, I don't think that opportunities always fall into our laps.  We also need to be open and willing to put ourselves out their and keep our eyes and mind open so that maybe we can perhaps find that piece which will make us even happier.

Viva Las Vegas!

Well, I did it!  I just got back from Las Vegas and we both survived.  All things considered, everything was perfect. :)

First off, let me just say that I hate flying.  I do.  I hate it.  It just feels... unnatural.  However, I would never let this hate (okay, it's more of a fear) stop me from going anywhere.  But, all of my flights were very smooth and I don't think I had that worried look on my face (you know the one like a deer caught in headlights) not once.  I was also very lucky in that I returned back to New York just before some pretty bad weather with very high winds, phew.

Now for Vegas... I arrived late Monday night and have to admit that I crashed in my room as soon as I arrived.  I stayed in the Stratosphere.  I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but I also wouldn't not recommend it either.  It was on the north end, but what bothered me most was how isolated it was.  However, my room was very nice and I got to go up to the top for free!

Looking down at The Strip from the top of my hotel.

Tuesday.  Ahhh, Tuesday.  I had a date with a day spa where I received a mud wrap, massage, and facial.  It was wonderful.  It was expensive.  It was worth every penny.  Some people may feel that spending money on such things as spas is about vanity.  Let me tell you, it's about sanity.  It is therapeutic and it is so very sensual.  My skin felt so soft and I just felt very sexy.  Feeling sexy leads to feeling confident and you need that when you are vacationing by yourself.  Seriously. 

After my spa date, I decided to trek down to "The Strip."  I decided to walk because first, I didn't think it was that far and second because walking is just so much more personal.  I really did enjoy it.  I walked in and out of many of the hotels and casinos.  They really are amazing!  However, that was the first and only time I walked to or from my hotel to where all the action was, lol.  My favorites from Tuesday...

The Bellagio from the top of the Eiffel Tower!
The water show was pretty cool too.  

One of my favorites was this glass "ceiling" inside of The Bellagio.

I also indulged culinarily Tuesday (actually every day).  Yum!

Wednesday I took a tour bus to the Grand Canyon.  I highly recommend visiting the Grand Canyon if you are ever in the area.  I can't quite describe it.  It's rock.  It wasn't beautiful.  It was magnificent.  It was breathtaking.  I also did the sky walk which allowed me to walk out over the canyon in a glass enclosed walkway (including glass floor).  Unfortunately, you can't bring a camera so I don't have any pictures to show of that experience.

Pictures just don't do it justice.

I climbed to the top of this one... the views were amazing!

I did meet two people on this bus excursion.  I met a woman named Jennifer.  She happened to be alone because her husband was in Vegas for business and we got along great!  We spent the whole day together and it was so much fun.  The other was Chris.  He did a helicopter tour (which according to him was beyond words) so we didn't spend too much time together at the Grand Canyon, but we did chat on the bus.  He actually asked me if I wanted to join him that night to go out clubbing.  He seemed really nice and it was Vegas, so naturally, I said...no.  Lol, I can't be reckless or stupid.  I had my own kind of fun later that night!

I almost forgot... The Hoover Dam, very cool as well!

Technology is really an amazing thing.  I'm talking about a specific type of technology, the smart phone.  Or more specifically, because I am biased, my iPhone.  Throughout this trip, even though I was physically alone, I never really felt truly alone.  Between texting, talking, and Facebook, a friend was never far away.  So Wednesday night, I got dressed up and went out for a fabulous dinner at the MGM Grand.  Afterwards, I walked around and found a few galleries and fell in love (with the photography) and ended the night by watching The Bellagio's water show at night.  It would have been nice to share this night with someone, but I didn't feel alone either.  

These are actually seats, I don't know why, I just love this photo.

Finally Thursday, my last day.  I really didn't do too much.  I made my way down to Caesar's Palace, which I had not yet been in, and found yet another gallery which I thoroughly enjoyed.  Then I went back to my hotel and just laid out by the pool.  It was nice to just sit and do nothing!  I went out for another nice dinner and then hopped the red eye flight back home.  My vacation was over.

I am so glad that I decided to take this vacation.  Las Vegas had never really been on my list of places to go, but it was actually a great place for me to go.  There was plenty to do and yet I didn't feel like 3 days wasn't enough time there either.  I didn't feel uncomfortable being by myself, not once.  It was a wonderful getaway that I truly needed.

My son... how I love him.  He stayed with my parents (whom I am so grateful towards for watching him) and he was just wonderful.  I was really worried about him sleeping at night, but he did great!  I am just so proud of him.  I am writing this with tears in my eyes... he has been through so much this year.  Even though he is very young and doesn't fully realize all that happened, he knows that his father is no longer here and he must feel that loss.  My husband's death brought about many changes in both my life and my son's and he has adjusted so well.  I knew that he would be well taken of with my parents, but just knowing that he is secure enough to be happy in a new situation, just made me happy.  I was able to relax and enjoy myself all the more.  

Proofs of Love

I've been a mucho slacker on this lately.  I've been extremely busy which has made me extremely tired which led me to feel like my writing would be dull and I don't want to post anything half baked.  I've got lots to write about, my venture into the dating world, Maine, and The Happiness Project and I am so happy to have the time tonight to sit and write.

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I would take this quote that I happened to find in The Happiness Project and share it with you.  "There is no love; there are only proofs of love" (Pierre Reverdy).

Love is such a funny thing.  We love our children, our significant others, our parents, our siblings, our other family members, our friends, and our pets.  But we also love movies, songs, food, books, etc, etc, etc.  Such a random gathering all falling under the same word, love.

I want to explore the type of love that doesn't need a label.  The type of love that you know exists because you can feel it.  It is warm and it is genuine and it is happiness inside and out.  It is a place where you want to go when you are up or down or anything in between because you know that you will be received in the same manner no matter how you present yourself.  It's a place where you are truly accepted and because of that, you feel comfortable with yourself and you want to share yourself completely because you know that it is safe to.  You also know that the more that you put in, you will receive back tenfold.

You don't have hear the words "I love you," because you are given instead these proofs of love.  These proofs are in the way you are looked at.  The way in which you are spoken to and listened to.  The way in which you are touched.  The way in which you are made to laugh. The way in which you learn and grow.  And the way in which you never cease to be amazed.

I love... proofs of love.  <3

Oh, the Comfort!

"But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely.  Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person- having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."
~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

I love this quote.  It's more than communication, it's about genuine and true acceptance.  It is intimacy to the very core.  I think it would take a very strong, open and loving spirit to to give you this comfort.  A soulmate.

Maine

Wow, look at that, I already have story to tell.  This one actually began almost five months ago.  It all started on my mini-vacation to Maine...

This summer, as I was getting my hair done, I was reading a magazine and came across an article about a quaint little town in Maine.  It sounded absolutely wonderful and it was only about five hours away from New York City. So, when a long weekend came around at the end of September, guess where I was?  You got it, Maine! 

I didn't go alone, I took my son with me.  I figured as long as there is a park to run around and a beach to play at, we'd be good to go.  However, that wasn't so much the case.  My son has a hard time sleeping outside of our home.  This weekend was no different, except for the fact that he wouldn't take a typically given nap in his stroller.  My weekend of relaxation turned more into one of exhaustion. 

On the last day of our visit, my son had finally fallen asleep after what felt like miles and miles of my walking around this tiny town.  I found a bench near the ocean and just sat.  It was sunny, it was warm, it was gorgeous.  That's all that I had wanted from this trip. 

I was enjoying my time of serenity when I heard someone walk up behind me and then found a seat at the other end of my bench!  What made it worse was that he started talking to me, about the weather!?!  I was so annoyed and all I could think to myself was, "Don't you dare wake up that baby!!"

Then I turned and looked.  OMG, he was really good looking, hot!  Good thing for him, because it earned him a pass and we chatted for 30-45 minutes (I'm not quite sure).  He had recently moved to this town, but was from the general area.  He was an ER nurse.  He was an avid swimmer and it was I who was actually in his spot.  He came to this point to swim laps in the ocean (who does that?), but sat when he noticed me instead.  He did talk alot about himself, but he didnt' seem arrogant.  He seemed kind and he did ask me questions too.

I was not prepared for him.  (I just shared with you in my last post my lack of experience in dating and all that flirtation and whatever else goes with the territory.)  Afterwards, I felt like an idiot for stumbling with my answers, asking rigid questions, and just being... awkward.  Also, it had only been 4 months since my husband passed and getting hit on was just not on my list of things to do.  I could've done with out.  However, despite all of that, he asked me for my e-mail and he got it.  So as he hopped on his motorcycle (why didn't I hear it before?), and drove off (shirtless), I was left with two questions... 1.  McDreamy?  and 2.  WTF just happened? 

About a week later I did receive an e-mail.  It was very friendly and he had remembered some things that I had told him, which I thought was nice.  So, I responded and... that was it.  I heard no more of this motorcycle riding, dreamy nurse.  Even though I wasn't looking for anything, I was still disappointed.  I wondered why he bothered to write me to begin with.  After about two months, I was feeling saucy one day and I decided to write him out of the blue and basically tell him that it was too bad he never bothered to write me back because I would've been worth it.  Sure enough, I received a response later that day.  I had decided before my saucy exchange that he wasn't into me and that I wouldn't respond to him under no circumstances, and I didn't.

So today I was looking through my e-mail account and I noticed that I received an e-mail from Maine.  I opened it and he had sent me some photos of the ocean taken from the spot where we had met.  Now this e-mail was from early January and our last exchange had been in November.  Hmm...?  Funny how the day after I pronounce my toe dipping I should come across this.  I am not saying its a sign, but I decided that enough time had past to start over perhaps?  I decided to respond.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.  Until then, I will continue to move on in my own way and in my own time and see where that leads me.  

Dipping My Toes

This new month may begin a new chapter in my life and a new chapter of entertainment for all of you "Glimmering..." blog readers.  I had really felt that with the opening of this new year, I might be ready to get out there again.  So although I had given myself "permission," when it came down to it, I just didn't feel ready in January.  However, even though it's only the second day of February, I now feel ready.  I don't really know why now, but I think it has to do with all of the things I had worked so hard at in January.  I was busy tying up loose ends, organizing my apartment, crossing things off of my "to-do" list, and what all of those accomplishments created was a sense of peace in my life.  I feel like I have my life in order.  I am confident in who I am and what I want and I am now willing to dip my toes into the dating pool.

I have only told the people I am closest with that I am about to take this plunge.  It's not necessarily that I want to keep it a secret, it's just that I am not sure if I am truly ready and I won't know until I actually get out there.  If I feel that I am not, I know that I can always pull out and wait until I feel more comfortable.  However, despite feeling like I am ready now, the thought of dating again has brought about a variety of emotions.

My mood right now is a good one, so I am going to focus on just one of these emotions, and that is plain and simple, I'm nervous.  I say this with somewhat of a chuckle however.  I am 33 years old and the only person that I have ever dated was the man I ended up marrying.  I met him when I was just shy of 19, my first semester in college, and I was with him ever since.  I had never dated anyone in high school.  I had been out of a couple of dates, but that was about it.  I'm not really sure why that was, it seems so long ago.  From my recollection, I think that the guys that I liked didn't like me and the guys that liked me, I didn't like, so I didn't date.  Looking back on it now, I wish that I had dated more back then.  I wish I had taken advantage of getting to know different people and having more experiences.  However, at the same time, it was high school.  I grew up in a small town and I am not sure exactly how much I missed out on.

So I am nervous because this is all such unfamiliar territory for me.  I am sure to have many awkward moments, but if nothing else, I will have some funny stories to share on my blog, lol.  I am not going to pressure myself in any way, but one of my other emotions is excitement.  I am hopeful and optimistic and for now, positive feelings are good and I am going to go with it.