This trip was inspired by a tree. The tree that is Brilliant. The piece that arrived damaged and never made it out of the box. The damaged good that gave me a refund. The refund that funded this trip. The trip that allowed me to view this tree with my own lens.
Of course I went to the Japanese Gardens on my very first day in Portland. It was right next to the rose garden and it was a whole day of simplistic beauty. What I was most amazed at was the size of this tree. It was very small. I do have a picture of myself standing next to this tree, which I won't be posting, but it is just a bit bigger than I am and I am only 5'2".
I had no idea where this tree was located in the gardens and if it hadn't been for a photographer that was capturing it himself, it may have taken me all day to find it. Little did I know that I was standing right beside it! It was a moment :)
My other favorite pictures from the Japanese Garden...
Portland is known as "The City of Roses" and that is just what I saw on my very first day. The rose garden is located in Washington Park and is completely free! The day that I visited, the symphony was also playing in the adjacent amphitheater that night for free too! It was a gorgeous day and night and it was relaxing and fun to join the locals in closing out the night surrounded by great music and scenery.
I just returned this morning from my trip to the northwest. Sentimental, Poetic, Majestic, Spectacular, Amazing... that's how I'd describe this trip. It was perfect actually. I tried to capture every bit of my experience and that's what I will be sharing these next few days. My perspective through a different lens as I try to share more through photos than words.
"Sometimes you find yourself in exactly the right place at exactly the right time. And if you are paying attention, you may just stumble across something amazing." -Me :)
The wonder of my vacation actually began on the plane ride to Portland. It was a perfect day for flying and as I flew across the northern United States, I could admire the landscape. Somewhere between Cleveland and Portland (Montana?) I noticed a very large and unique cloud. It instantly caught my attention which led me to take out my camera. It wasn't until we had already passed the cloud that I decided to take a look back on it for a different perspective. And that is when I saw it... a rainbow. When I first saw it, it was much more vibrant. In only the seconds that it took me to snap a shot, the colors already began to fade. But it was amazing. I had never seen anything like it and I don't think that anyone else on the plane noticed it, atleast no one sitting near me. It was one of those moments where you know you were exactly where you were supposed to be. That set the tone for my entire trip and it was something spectacular, truly.
Tonight I am in my hometown. I am at my parent's house. I am going to have a hard time falling asleep because of the excitement and nervousness that the new day will bring.
Eleven years ago on this very night, I was also in my hometown. I was at my parent's house. I had a hard time falling asleep because of the excitement and the nervousness that the new day brought.
Tomorrow I will be boarding a plane and taking a cross country trip all by myself to Portland and Seattle. Eleven years ago on that very same day, I was married. This will now be my third anniversary without him. On the very first anniversary without him, I started the tradition of writing a card to everyone that has been so important and dear to me during that year. It is a card of thanks and of appreciation. I continued that tradition last year and I plan on doing it again tomorrow. This tradition has turned "one of those days" into something very positive. This is one of my favorite traditions that I have begun after Dale's death because it reminds me of how I felt on my wedding day. Absolutely happy. And nothing can ever change or take that away from me. So there seems to be no better day than this day to share my love with the people who mean the most to me.
However, I am now learning to embrace myself. And with that comes embracing the present. So I will not add on any more about what this date tomorrow once was. Those memories are tucked away in an easily accessible place in my mind and heart. What tomorrow brings to me in the present is another opportunity to experience something amazing. I am so excited about this trip! If I want to look at it from a poetic standpoint, it is coming at the most perfect of times. In many ways, it represents to me so much of that I have learned in the past couple of years and so many of my charms are wrapped up around it. It was just this past month that I felt that I have filled up my bracelet with enough life lessons. At the same time I felt that I was ready to move on into a new part of my life. This trip almost feels like that field trip that classes go on to celebrate the conclusion of some big unit or project. Honestly, when I started to plan this trip months and months ago, I never could have foreseen any of this.
So I am excited. I am excited about all that I have planned. I am also excited about isn't planned. My best friend has planted the seed that perhaps a profound something will happen while I am on this trip. Now wouldn't that be poetic!?!
I hesitated to title this post "Inner Goddess" in fear that what will immediately be drawn to mind is 50 Shades of Grey. As the thought of that makes me want to throw up in my mouth (yup, that bad), I assure you this post is not about that book, and for any of you fans out there, no offense ;). Actually, I did read the first book and only the first book. So basing my comparison to what this post is really about, to only the first book, Anastasia's "inner goddess" doesn't compare in my view.
Since this new phase of my life is about embracing myself I am excited that at this point I feel myself focusing on the feminine part of me. Women are amazing and I think I am going to have lots of fun exploring femininity (not feminism) but the simple beauty of being a woman. And where better to start than with our inner goddess.
And what better place to start a little research than Google (blush, blush). But I did, I Googled "Inner Goddess" and after pushing away the 50 Shades like spiderwebs, I came across an author, Anita Revel (Wikipedia) and I loved how she defined the term inner goddess... "When a woman is able to transcend inhibitive social expectations or
perceived behavioral requirements and instead act in a way that is right
for her, she is said be honoring her inner goddess. Anita defines the
inner goddess as "... the beautiful, sassy, intuitive, lovable, sacred
and authentic Self that we were born to be."
She has also wrote a list of 7 guidelines to help us all find and embrace our inner goddess. Our inner goddess...
Celebrates her physical body and her connection to Earth, family and humanity
Is comfortable with infinite abundance, emotional flow and creative freedom
Is proud of her Self and her actions in all her aspects
Fosters mutually fulfilling relationships at all levels
Speaks her truth with diplomacy and shares her learnings with grace
Clearly knows what is right for her, and acts in honour of her innate wisdom and intuition
Revels in her divine purpose/work with gratitude, dignity and generosity
I like these guidelines so much, they might just help inspire upcoming posts!
Okay, so I wanted to end this post with some kind of inspirational feminine quote or poem, but in my search, I found this...
“My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five year old.”
Guess where that came from? Really Anastasia, a five year old? Point made.!. ;)
My junior year in high school, I selected The Catcher in the Rye to do a deep thorough analysis of. I remember enjoying reading the book so much and I remember pouring my heart out in writing my thoughts and findings after reading it. I also remember what my teacher wrote on my paper after grading it... I had completely missed the point of the book.
The theme of the Catcher and the Rye was the loss of innocence. I couldn't relate to that book in that way or make connections because at the age of 16, I still had my innocence. I was very fortunate to be raised and to grow up with a family and within a community that made it easy to preserve innocence. I wouldn't argue with anyone who would say that in many ways I was raised in a bubble. That is not necessarily a good thing, but as a teacher now myself, I am exposed to far too many children whose innocence has been torn away from them at much too early of an age and between the two, I'd choose the bubble in a heartbeat.
As I grew older and went off to college, met and married my first love, moved away, lost a child, had a child and everything in between... I made many choices to expand my bubble, but never enough to make that bubble pop. First I was a professional, then I became a wife, and finally a mother... and I saw many trials and tribulations along the way, but I was always able to maintain an overall feeling of innocence. And in many ways I never felt like I truly grew up no matter how old I was and what life threw at me.
There are traits that I possess both interior and exterior that have made it easy for me to keep that bubble from popping. On the outside, I am very petite. I haven't changed or grown much since my late high school/college days. I am also "cute." On the inside, I can be very gullible. My natural instinct is to believe someone first and give them the benefit of the doubt. I also have a hard time lying. That doesn't mean I never attempt, I'm just not that good at it. Those traits allow people to treat me in a certain way, not necessarily always in a bad or negative way, but in a way that does make me feel more like a girl than a woman. Let me rephrase, I have allowed myself to be treated like a girl rather than a woman.
Even after Dale's death, I still held onto whatever shreds of innocence that were left. Fear? Perhaps I feared getting old (or feeling old). Perhaps it was for protection. Perhaps it was the fear of the unknown. I am not sure why I clung to that false illusion of innocence. But that is exactly what it was. I cannot sit here as a 34 year old woman and share the story of my life and claim innocence. I have lived too much, I have seen too much, and I have lost too much to still be able to fit under the bubble of innocence.
This was the Imagine Dragons song that I mentioned in my last post. This was the one that made me feel that part of what's next for me is to embrace my whole self. Demons... that's what Dale used to call them. I don't have demons inside of me, but I know darkness. I lived under the cloud of depression with Dale for many, many years. But I know of an even deeper darkness than that. There are many horrific things that happen to people. Unfathomably horrific. Watching the person you love above all others becoming consumed by his demons is unfathomably horrific. So, I know what hell is as I was living in my own.
Just yesterday I was in Manhattan. I was all dressed up and feeling pretty. It was gorgeous day. I couldn't help but to walk down the street with a smile as I was just... happy. At one point this song did come on my MP3 and as I walked down the street and looked at the people I passed I couldn't help but to think that not one of those people would probably have guessed that my past was my past. Just like the video shows, you never know the life that someone lives. That's a whole post in and of itself. But, my past is my past. And the reason that I can walk down the street with a genuine glow of happiness is because I have faced life head on with the strength and grace of a woman, not an innocent girl.
Perhaps its time now to reread The Catcher in the Rye... ;).
Before I begin sharing my adventures of Part VI, I thought this song would be a great way to kick it off...
It was actually this song that led me to another Imagine Dragons song that made me think more about this new phase of my life. I most definitely need to let go, relax, and have fun. I also think too that at this point in my life I need to embrace myself. I need to embrace myself and step back into the world. I was hidden for a long time. I began to come out of my shell in the past two years, but I am still very introverted. For me, having more confidence in myself and the desire to let go and have more fun is going to lead me to become more extroverted. And I need that. I need to to feel more connected and part of society. I have lots to gain... and contribute.
