Since I am nearing the one year mark, I have had a lot of things on my mind lately. I can remember specific events that occurred during this time last year and the exact day that they occurred. I have been reliving getting the news and have been thinking about everything that happened immediately after. I have even been thinking about what happened in the weeks and months that followed not long after.
In the immediate before and after, there were three main people that I relied on, my sister, my best friend, and my sister-in-law. I don't know what I would have done without them. They were there for me morning, noon, and night. They listened to me talk (sometimes in circles), cry, and ask questions that had no answer. The most amazing thing about them is that not one of them lives near me. They were not physically present to give me that much needed hug, to get me out of the house, to distract me in someway, to help with my son, or just to sit with me and help take away the loneliness, especially at night after my son went to sleep. These three women are so amazing that they didn't have to be physically with me. Their love and support was so strong, I could feel it in their voices when we spoke and could see it in their words when we texted. They were my main support system and thinking back on those first few months, I am in awe that I made it through that hell as gracefully as I did.
It sounds kind of sad, at the time, I had lived in New York for almost 4 years, but I was only somewhat close with about two people. These two people were very concerned and I knew they cared, but I wasn't close enough with them to unload. I didn't know them well enough to seek them out for comfort. My parents did come and stay with me for a couple of weeks after my husband's death. But after that, I was quite alone, with my child, in this new world of ours.
One of the first considerations I had when thinking about this new life of mine was to move back closer to my family. That consideration lasted for about a day or two. I knew in my heart of hearts that was not the place for me. I love my family. I love the comfort of the small town that I grew up in. I love the grass and the fresh air and the simplicity of it. I love to visit. It hasn't been the right place for me since I left and went to college. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't envision myself living a truly happy and fulfilling life there, so I decided to stay. Even though it meant enduring so much on my own.
I am not so alone anymore. This past year, two women have come into my life and I am so grateful that they have. They were a gift from my husband. They were coworkers of his that I had never met before the day of the funeral. They have supported me and checked up on me and loved both me and my son. I don't see them as often as I would like, but when we do meet up, it's as if we had been friends our whole lives. They are truly special ladies and I am so grateful that they are a part of my life now. I have also become quite close with a few women that I work with. We meet up regularly for dinner, we go to the gym, they come to my wine and treat nights that I host at my home. We talk, we laugh, we have a good time. And there is too of course, my babysitter. Without her, I wouldn't have the same opportunities to take some time for myself to enjoy my new friendships, to relax, to heal.
My core group is growing. I am still the same person in that I don't need many people in my life. I just need good people in my life. Not only did I find good people, I found wonderful people. For the first time in a long time, I actually have people that are near me. I am starting to feel as if I have a family here in New York as well. That is so important to me. Especially if I am going to stay here, even if it is for just a little bit longer. I have to admit though that I am starting to feel like maybe New York could be my home, my son's home, our home. And I once again have some amazing women to thank for that. Because honestly, I have been searching for what feels like home for a long time, and this little tease that I am getting now, it feels good.
Like everything else in life, who knows what will happen? What I do know is that I have yet another blessing to be thankful for. Thank you to all of my lady friends. You all mean more than words can say. :')
In the immediate before and after, there were three main people that I relied on, my sister, my best friend, and my sister-in-law. I don't know what I would have done without them. They were there for me morning, noon, and night. They listened to me talk (sometimes in circles), cry, and ask questions that had no answer. The most amazing thing about them is that not one of them lives near me. They were not physically present to give me that much needed hug, to get me out of the house, to distract me in someway, to help with my son, or just to sit with me and help take away the loneliness, especially at night after my son went to sleep. These three women are so amazing that they didn't have to be physically with me. Their love and support was so strong, I could feel it in their voices when we spoke and could see it in their words when we texted. They were my main support system and thinking back on those first few months, I am in awe that I made it through that hell as gracefully as I did.
It sounds kind of sad, at the time, I had lived in New York for almost 4 years, but I was only somewhat close with about two people. These two people were very concerned and I knew they cared, but I wasn't close enough with them to unload. I didn't know them well enough to seek them out for comfort. My parents did come and stay with me for a couple of weeks after my husband's death. But after that, I was quite alone, with my child, in this new world of ours.
One of the first considerations I had when thinking about this new life of mine was to move back closer to my family. That consideration lasted for about a day or two. I knew in my heart of hearts that was not the place for me. I love my family. I love the comfort of the small town that I grew up in. I love the grass and the fresh air and the simplicity of it. I love to visit. It hasn't been the right place for me since I left and went to college. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't envision myself living a truly happy and fulfilling life there, so I decided to stay. Even though it meant enduring so much on my own.
I am not so alone anymore. This past year, two women have come into my life and I am so grateful that they have. They were a gift from my husband. They were coworkers of his that I had never met before the day of the funeral. They have supported me and checked up on me and loved both me and my son. I don't see them as often as I would like, but when we do meet up, it's as if we had been friends our whole lives. They are truly special ladies and I am so grateful that they are a part of my life now. I have also become quite close with a few women that I work with. We meet up regularly for dinner, we go to the gym, they come to my wine and treat nights that I host at my home. We talk, we laugh, we have a good time. And there is too of course, my babysitter. Without her, I wouldn't have the same opportunities to take some time for myself to enjoy my new friendships, to relax, to heal.
My core group is growing. I am still the same person in that I don't need many people in my life. I just need good people in my life. Not only did I find good people, I found wonderful people. For the first time in a long time, I actually have people that are near me. I am starting to feel as if I have a family here in New York as well. That is so important to me. Especially if I am going to stay here, even if it is for just a little bit longer. I have to admit though that I am starting to feel like maybe New York could be my home, my son's home, our home. And I once again have some amazing women to thank for that. Because honestly, I have been searching for what feels like home for a long time, and this little tease that I am getting now, it feels good.
Like everything else in life, who knows what will happen? What I do know is that I have yet another blessing to be thankful for. Thank you to all of my lady friends. You all mean more than words can say. :')
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