Own It

This is my much delayed post.  The one that I thought would conclude the month of May.  The month that not only marked that my husband had been gone for one year, but that I had one year to heal as well.  This is a reflection of this past year as one in which I had to rediscover and find myself once again in this new chapter of my life.

As I made this journey to a more keen awareness of my self-discovery, I realized that was only half the battle.  The other half was accepting what I discovered as well as what I already knew about myself.  The theme for The Happiness Project for May was "Leisure."  But what Gretchen wrote about in finding time to do the things she really enjoys, is that she had to own what it was she truly enjoyed.  It didn't make her happy to pretend to enjoy something because it seemed sophisticated or on the flip side to pretend not to enjoy something because it was too childish or simplistic.  That was the big idea I took from THP for that month and it coincided so well with my self reflection.  I'm just a bit behind on my writing.

Me

• I'm reserved.  I always had been.  I thought that with this past year and all of my experiences and even with age, that I would have "outgrown" this.  No, this is me.  So in accepting myself for not being a cool outgoing person, I tried to understand why I am this way.  I am reserved because that is my protection.  When I meet a new person, I present to them my real self.  I, of course, put my best foot forward and tell my best stories, but I tell them as I authentically recall them.  I don't pretend to be someone else or better than I really am.  Being genuine can put you in a vulnerable position.  That is why I am reserved.  For those who stick around long enough find that I really am not reserved or anti-social.  It also depends on the person too.  My guard, can come down very quickly.  This is not even something that I even think about, it just happens.  I can't fight it either.  And in accepting this, I don't have to anymore.  
• I'm nice.  Genuinely nice.  This not always a good thing.  I know that people have and have tried to take advantage of me knowing this.  This also makes me a target for creepy people, like my neighbor, who easily mistake my politeness as a door to invite themselves into my life in a way in which I have absolutely no interest in.  But being nice is my disposition.  It makes me feel happy and optimistic.  I'm not going to change this, but in accepting this, I do have to change another area of myself, which is...
• I don't set boundaries well with others.  I do think about what other people will think and say.  I don't want to be a bitch.  What I have come to accept is that setting boundaries does not make you a bitch.  Setting boundaries shows that you respect yourself enough to take care of yourself within the purpose of that boundary.  You cannot live for what others think of you and those who know the situation and you probably wouldn't be the ones to think negatively of you.  The ones who do, do so out of ignorance and therefore their opinions shouldn't matter one bit.  
• I don't have a specific hobby or interest that I am devoted to.  I get asked this all the time, either to list it on my online dating profile or by people I am getting to know this way.  I hate this question, mainly because it makes me feel like I am lacking that I don't have one, but I don't.  I do and like many different things.  I am not an "expert" in any one area.  It's not that I can't commit or that I lack passion, it's just that I find too many things interesting to commit an abundance of time to one.  There are definitely things that I do enjoy more than others, but I don't have that one thing, I'm a hodgepodge.
• My hodgepodge?  I've been reflecting on where and what I have chosen to spend my limited time doing (outside of my son).  In this past year I have read so very little.  But I have written so very much.  I have enjoyed going to the gym either running, taking a Pilate's class, or just working out.  I have become obsessed with Dustin O'Halloran and really enjoy classical music.  I also love landscape photography and have a new appreciate for art.  I love just walking around the city and enjoying the parks and/or architecture.  I also like to shop.  I like going out for dinner with friends and I also like hosting dinner at my home as well.  These would be things that I wouldn't want to loose or give up when/if I meet someone.  Having the time to do these things are now important to me.
• I can't dance.  I wish I could.  In my mind, I can choreograph a Beyonce video.  But in reality, I have a whitest of white girls' rhythm.  
• I'm low key.  Going to clubs, sounds fun, and I'd do it, but that's not me.  I wouldn't even say that going to a bar is me, although I do that, but not that frequently.  If it were solely my choice, I'd prefer drinks with dinner.  Or a wine bar.  Or even a cigar bar.  I don't like the hustle and bustle of noisy bars.  I don't like drunk people.  I don't even like to drink all that much myself.  Drinks with dinner works for me. I used to think that made me dull, especially when everyone else was going and I didn't want to.  Or if I did go, depending on the crowd, I felt out of place.  I just have a preference for a different environment and what that environment can provoke.  
• I am a teacher.  I work in an urban school district, the largest in the nation as a matter of fact.  My salary is public knowledge.  My salary is based on steps and no, I am not rich.  I live on a budget and money is not disposable.  
• I am a single mother.  I was married for almost thirteen years before I lost my husband to suicide.  
• I am proud of myself.  I love life.  I am happy for this life that I have.  

In July I will be going to my 15 year high school reunion where I will see people that I haven't seen in... 15 years.  I did not go to my 10 year reunion and not so long ago, had absolutely no intention of going to this one either.  However, what better arena to truly own yourself when you meet up with people whom you haven't seen in 15 years and will be questioning you on the past 15 years.  I can't just talk the talk of owning it.  (However, I will not be doing this alone.  I will have my best friend by my side.)